To the father who didn’t have to stay

Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for choosing to be my dad. You didn’t have to be and I definitely didn’t make it easy.

I was about five years old when you came into my life. Not really ever having any other father figures besides my uncle and my grandpa. My real father really screwed that one up for me. I never let people around me know how upset it really made me feel not having my dad in my life. I think that is a normal thing to be upset about, but it was always just way easier to shrug it off.

 

I would go to those daddy swim things with my cousin’s dad and other than that I would just try to put it out of my mind. Being five you don’t think you would really be able to recall how you felt, but it makes sense because you are missing a whole half of what is suppose to be there.

 

If the Shoe Fits

Lets face it relationships are hard. They take love, dedication and so much effort and that’s for a lifetime, not just when it’s convenient. Every single day you have to choose if this is something you want to continue to work for. 

Sometimes it is in the best interest to just walk away for the sole purpose of saving your soul. While sometimes it has nothing to do with lack of love, but simply fails due to bad timing.

So these days, it is so common for couples to go their separate ways. It doesn’t really seem to matter anymore whether you have been dating for a few weeks or married for 10+ years. More and more people are realizing that they are allowed to walk away.

But, can you imagine having a life long tie with your ex? I know some of you know just what that’s like and I give you mad props.

I think I can calmly talk to maybe two of my exes without wanting to run into traffic. So the thought of having to communicate with one of them forever makes me cringe.

Honestly I don’t think it would be possible.  So for those of you who are lucky enough to experience this and make the best of it… Good for you!

When you have a child with someone, that changes the whole dynamic of not only your relationship but of your life.  You are now responsible for another life, whether you planned it or not. 

So I just wanted to do a shout out to all of those parents who are making it work for the sake of your child. But don’t get confused when I say, “making it work”.

I am not necessarily just referring to the parents who are still trying to stay together for the sake of their child. But also to those who knew it was time to walk away and parent together, but separately.

Your children will someday grow up thanking you! Thanking you for making the best of a crappy situation. They will appreciate you so much for giving them a family regardless if it’s broken or together.

As long as they know that together the both of you will do what is necessary to give them all they need, it won’t matter if you are together or apart.

If they get to love both of you without feeling like they have to choose between the two of you, it will be enough.

So continue pushing forward because you are doing great despite what you may think!

Okay So Maybe I Am Not Mother of the Year

My daughter was asking for True this morning, which right now is the only thing on Netflix that she wants to watch. But hey, I am not complaining because at least unlike Finding Dory, Zootopia,Trolls and Sing, I cannot recite every word.

I am getting the show ready and she starts singing, “I’m happy” in her high pitch singing voice that she has not mastered. I responded with” you’re happy”? Which prompted an “I love you” followed by a meaningful hug.

Now every parent knows just how great it feels when your child finally can repeat the words I love you because lets face it, this is the phrase we say the most. But the feeling it brought me today was just so much better than the usual I love you moments we share.

This moment was so genuine. It wasn’t rehearsed or forced; it just came so naturally to her. So in that very moment I knew that I was succeeding as a parent. At least to her expectation and that is all that matters.

Being a parent is by far the most rewarding, controversial, demanding thing you will do in your life. There are all these expectations formed around you on what is right and what is wrong. Some people form those expectations for you and some you form yourself.

Before I was a mom I totally planned out exactly what type of mom I was going to be. I was going to: document everything, breastfeed, allow no technology, no pacifier, no bottle past one years old, have play dates all the time, potty trained no later than two. I was going to avoid fast food, limit the sugary juice, getting them vaccinated and the big one was no swearing. But in reality I am not even close to that mom and here is why.

When it comes to documenting her entire life… I have failed miserably. I do a great job with pictures and I do a great job with capturing her first moments then sharing them with social media, but that is as far as it goes.

When people ask, “oh when did she first crawl, roll over, or stand”…Yeah I have no idea. Hold on while I scroll back two years on my Facebook page…

Now I always wanted to be that mom because I see other moms that are like that and it is awesome what they can do with all of that information. Make cute little boards with their children’s achievements, shadow boxes, etc. I wish!! I’m lucky if I get time to shower during the day let alone take the time to write down everything in the baby book.

And then there’s breastfeeding. AHHHHH! This is basically one of the biggest controversies of motherhood, outside of vaccines, which I’m not going to discuss because I vaccinated, and I can’t take that back now.

But I had every intention of breastfeeding. It just did not work for me. Right from the beginning there were issues but I continued to try. I gave her what I could and then I supplemented it with organic baby formula. And guess what… my daughter is incredibly intelligent for her age, and has succeeded in all of her level of development charts.

Believe it or not those are actual arguments I have to have. “Breast milk is best”, “It makes them smarter”, “It helps fight off bacteria”…Yes, No, Yes. I tried and I was so upset, but I had to move on because I am a mom and well I can’t stress over things I can’t change. There is no time for that.

So that brings me to my no technology rule. That is a huge failure on my end. Today we live in a world that is technology. Literally almost everything I do technology is involved in. If I need an answer for a question I use the Internet. If I need to talk to friends or family I use my phone.  Hell they even have an app for delivering your groceries.

Seriously and your expected to keep all this away from a toddler who watches you on a daily basis use it? Hmmm… well I don’t. I don’t have a time limit on when she can or cannot watch TV, if she grabs my phone and she uses it to watch videos of puppies on YouTube that is okay by me.

I also swear all the time. Damn it! This is a huge parent fail for me. All I can say to this is, sorry not sorry. The world expresses themselves the way they want and well swearing just happens to be the way my family and I explain most everything we talk about.

However, I absolutely will not tolerate my child to swear in public or even at home. Like everything else you say, you have to be able to understand how people are going to interpret what you are saying, obviously my two year old cannot do that.

But hey guess what?! My child didn’t use a pacifier (because she didn’t like it) and her bottle was gone at one!

So I am here to tell you it doesn’t really matter what type of parent you are. It doesn’t matter if you don’t live up to the expectations you gave yourself or others have made you feel you have to achieve. As long as you love them and put them before yourself, they are clothed, fed and have a safe place to sleep; YOU are doing great! And I am sure you don’t hear it as much as you deserve too.

What We Had Wasn't a Relationship, It Was a Mind Game

When you’re young you never want to be told what to do or what you deserve, at least I didn’t. I wanted to go against everything my parents and friends told me and date the guy with a track record of breaking hearts. 

I was just getting out of a relationship where I genuinely thought he was the one, so coming out of that I was devastated. I needed someone completely opposite of him… and that’s where you come in. 

The way you were so nonchalant and gave zero fucks about anything was so attractive to me. I wanted to be the one thing you stopped dead in your tracks for, the one girl who actually makes it as your girlfriend. 

Maybe it was the challenge that got me, but I was head over heels for you (or so I thought what ‘love’ was). 

Without even realizing it I let you walk all over me, allowing you to just come and go as you pleased. I became the girl who does everything under the sun to get your attention without actually talking to you. What we had wasn’t a relationship, it was a mind game. 

I was watching myself turn down good guy after good guy because I wanted you to want me. I would witness you flirting with other girls and I’d stand in the sidelines waiting for my turn. 

Honestly, I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I was becoming a girl I never, in a million years, thought I’d become. And I’d say “love makes you do crazy things” but I wasn’t in love with you… I was in love with the idea of you. 

Eventually, I moved forward… I had to. I was never going to be enough for a guy like you, not only could I not change who you were but I shouldn’t have wanted to.

One day there was going to be a girl who would come along who would change your world. She would be everything you needed and you would finally be happy enough to stay. But that girl isn’t me and it never will be. 

You see, from this whole “thing” that we had I learned a lot of things. You always need to put yourself first. Be as happy as you can be in every situation, otherwise there just is no point in it. There’s no point in trying to force something that isn’t there. There are so many people out there in this world that would love to get the chance to know you.

You should find someone who makes you laugh no matter what you are feeling. Someone who makes you wants to become a better person. That pushes you to achieve everything you have always wanted and more. Find a person who makes you feel safe and at home no matter where you are in the world.

Love is always going to be something that takes effort, there’s no way around that. But you need to find a person that is worth that effort. Someone who wants to put forth that same amount of effort.

It turns out my greatest love story was there from the beginning. All I had to do was let go of that idea I got in my head of what love was suppose to be.

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Why You Shouldn't Feel Guilty About Not Seeing Your Loved Ones During the Holidays

From the end of October to the beginning of January I feel like I am basically a chicken with my head cut off and if you have a big family, I know you can relate.

I strongly believe holidays spent with family are full of love and no regret and I wouldn’t want to spend them any other way.

However, I don’t want the desire to be with my family on holidays being confused with me being required to be with them because that simply is not the case.  

Holiday tensions are already running high enough as it is because you are together with an entire group of people that may or may not get along.

So it is important that people understand the difference between want to and need to, because it can really help keep people in that “holiday spirit” we all love so much.

Sometimes we have to understand that there is not enough hours in the day to make it to everyone we want to see. As unfortunate as missing holidays with some may be, it is okay and we don’t have to feel guilty about it!

This is something I ask everyone to put some thought into this coming up holiday season.  Take a step back and remove all the expectations that you may be holding your love ones too.

Please remember that just because it’s the holiday does not mean every person that you love is going to be able to see you. And I promise that does not mean they love you any less than the people they are going to see.

Try to put yourself in their shoes… and remember you are probably not seeing everyone that wants to see you, either.

So put your focus on who is there and make the best of what you have!

Growing up Without a Father Made Me the Best Mom That I Am Today

I never got to grow up with a father. I never heard bedtime stories or got to hug my father goodnight. I never got to say goodbye before he went to work. I never got to do any of those things and it used to make me angry as hell. But now I strongly believe that growing up without a father made me the best mom that I am today. 

As I grow up, I appreciate the life that I did have and the people that were there. I understand that family doesn’t always mean blood and that you don’t have to be a victim of your past. 

You can only let something weigh on your mind for so long before it consumes you. You can’t change time. You can’t go back and make things different. You can’t make someone else see your worth or make him want to change their worth. 

What you can do is move on. Say your peace and let your disappointment be known. Focus on being the best version of yourself and understand that you are probably a better person because of all of it. And that’s exactly what I did, I became the best mother I can be. 

I am able to love another human being more than I ever thought was humanly possible. I have gotten to experience first hand just how important I am to someone other than myself.

It can be overwhelming and it can be tiring. Day in and day out I have to make sure that I put this child before myself and make sure she has everything she needs. 

I used to go to the bathroom alone and take long showers with no fear of hearing little footsteps on the bathroom floor coming right for me.

There have been countless times I have stepped on toys in the dark or cleaned up messes that could have been avoided.

And boy oh boy, those damn temper tantrums that come with a toddler are intense and can drive anyone to their breaking point.

Even though all the late nights and early mornings, I would not trade my life for anything. I created the most beautiful little human and she is my greatest accomplishment. 

So knowing what I know and loving my child like I do, I simply will never understand how someone could choose a life without his or her kids. 

I don’t understand how they can go weeks or even days without seeing their faces. How they can say sorry and let it be so empty. 

I will never understand how my father chose to miss out on moments with someone he helped create. I’ll never understand that. 

But what I do understand now is that you can learn from other people’s mistakes and make better decisions and life’s choices for yourself.  I choose to be the best mom that I can be even when I never had the love of a father in my life. 

I Wish Growing Up Didn't Mean Growing Apart from Family

Growing up, I had the kind of childhood you see in the movies, the kind kids dream of. I spent each day running around with my cousins and siblings, always surrounded by good food and even better family. But now, looking back, I wish growing up didn't mean growing apart from family.

To all of us, family was our #1 priority, even when tensions ran high, we always had each other’s backs. Not many people can say this, but I was truly lucky to call my cousins my best friends. 

No matter how much time we spent together we never got sick of each other. In fact, we hated being too far away from each other for too long. We could barely go a week without spending at least a few days together.  

And I can chalk that up to my grandparents who, since day one, were a rock for each and every one of us. Our lives were built around them, they were the glue that held us all together. No matter where we were, as long as they were around, it felt like home.

They lived for traditions and Sunday meals and especially quality time. Our family dinners were insane, delicious, and maybe a little bit chaotic. Passing around plates of food, telling stories, hearing about everyone's day. 

In these moments I truly felt like I belonged. I could feel it in my heart this is where I was supposed to be, surrounded by the ones I love most.

After dinner, the adults would stay inside and the kids would run around the neighborhood until dark if not longer playing manhunt and occasionally ding-dong-ditch. My childhood was a dream and I literally could not have asked for a better one.  

But boy, how things have changed.

Over the years we have all been through hell and back more times than we can count. From divorce to falling outs to petty family drama that couldn’t be let go of, we were forced to grow up

Some went on to college, some went straight into work, and some became mothers and fathers and moved to a different city. Suddenly, the relationships that used to be so tight and loving started to fade. 

When I look back at how things were when I was little, it literally breaks my heart knowing my future kids aren’t going to have a childhood like that.

They aren’t going to grow up surrounded by cousins their age and aunts and uncles who love them unconditionally. It’s not anyone’s fault, but I can’t imagine a life where I didn’t have mine. 

They are going to grow up in a world that honestly scares me. A world where iPads and video games are more important than outside activities and family is only a priority to some

There are so many things that I see on a daily basis that make me what to build a shelter and never come out. 

I want my future children to grow up feeling like they belong, feeling like their extended family is always going to be there for them no matter what. But after all these years, I don’t know if that will be the case.  

I wish time didn’t change us. I wish we could’ve grown old together and raised our kids to grow up just like us. I wish family was still a #1 priority to all of us.  

But sometimes, growing up means growing apart and as hard as that is for me to accept, I know I have to. 

I vow to give my future children the best childhood they could ever wish for– before the chaos of the real world sets in and they learn about the days that aren’t going to be so bright. 

Because to me, those days, the days of innocence and pure happiness, the most important part of their little lives and they deserve as many of those as possible.

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