Author: Maggie

Let me start out by saying I never thought this would become what it is. This is surprising, now that I think about it..

Because I did not like you whatsoever at first. 

Why? Because I was petty and immature and young. I didn’t trust anyone, which wasn’t completely insane, as we later discovered. But you were the new girl in the house, the new “roomie” as we would’ve called it. I thought you were like most girls, trying to climb your way into my love life and into my perfectly pictured future. Which truthfully, I kind wish you would have.. would’ve saved me a bunch of shit.

But you didn’t. You had your own thing & your own life. You didn’t have a hidden agenda or bad intentions on the surface. You were kind and sweet, which made me more suspicious. (Did I ever mention some of the other girls were extremely nice too?)

I later came to find out you’re a good person. And eventually, I gave in. I let my guard down & let you see who I really was. I wasn’t nice to you at first, and I sincerely apologize for that. But now, a little over three years later, I don’t think either of us even remember that part very well. Life works in mysterious ways doesn’t it?

You became my best friend, my other half. Throughout the past three years, you’ve come to be one of the most loyal, understanding, caring, loving, and sweet individuals I’ve ever met. I am so grateful for you.

You have been by my side day in and day out. You have been a realistic and straight up girl. You have been my go-to, my late night calls, my early morning pancakes, my car rides & music sessions. You’ve been sweet as a peach but as sharp as a pineapple when need be. You’re my true ride or die – the only one who hasn’t left, no matter how hard life has gotten for us.

I want to thank you for putting up with me. For letting me cuddle your arm. For letting me cry in your bed. For holding me as I have panic attacks for much longer than I should have. For driving me around when I need to calm down. For letting me borrow clothes. For letting me use your make up. For letting me play with your hair.

Thank you for telling me when I’m being ridiculous and for telling me when I’m not being harsh enough. For having my back no matter what’s going on. For finishing my sentences. For feeding me and napping with me. For letting me watch whatever I want on tv before we go to bed.

Thank you for Sunday night sleepovers and every day phone calls. For random funny pictures and pick up lines. For picking me up when I’m down. For making me smile when I’m sad. For being a goofy and rad mf. For playing iMessage games with me. For staying up to absurd hours to listen to me. For rubbing my back every time I was hyperventilating. 

I have so much to thank you for, so much I am truly grateful for.. but this is what I am most thankful for:

I’m thankful that every single day I know I can always count on my best friend to be there for me no matter what the situation is. I’m thankful that when I call I don’t have to wait 6 days to hear back from you. I’m thankful that I can call you and tell you I’m on my way and you’ll be waiting for me to get a sweet tea. I’m thankful you are an amazing person, because you give me someone to look up to; someone to aspire to be like. I’m thankful that every day I can 110% call you my absolute best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my rock & my strength. You have never let me down.

I wish I could express how grateful I am to have you in my life. But this will just have to do.

I hope you know I feel so lucky to have you in my life and you are appreciated, loved, and your efforts are never overlooked.

I want you to know that even if the world falls apart, you will always have me. You will always have my love & support.

You will always be my ginger best friend. 

You’re my forever chick.

I am so blessed to have you. Thank you.

Hey there, sweet thing.

I want to start off by saying you have no idea how hard it is for me to actually trust someone. It’s almost as if I’m suffocating with fear when I start to do so, and considering you’re actually reading this, that means you see a future with me.  Chances are I know you beyond outside, and I probably trust that you are a decent human being if you see a future here. So congrats, you’re already a step above most.

Thank you for taking the time to read this mumbling article I tend to write at my most intricate moments in life. Thank you for not rolling your eyes at how “sensitive,” or “girly” it must seem to be reading this. Thank you, honestly, for taking the time out of your day to actually care enough to read this.

There are a few things you must know about me before you start to really fall deeply for me. I’m not a serial killer nor do I have any strange addictions, other than sweet tea. But I’m not the average girlfriend, and I like it that way. So here’s a vague outlook on a few things you need to know.

I will not lose myself for you. I have played that game time and time again. I will not lose my heart searching for yours. I like who I am, I take high pride in who I have become over the years. What I believe and what I do will not change for anyone, not even you. Take it or leave it, I wont change. I come first, as you should be your first priority as well. 

I need space. Don’t get me wrong, I probably love being around you. I bet I actually like time with you more than with anyone else, but that isn’t my full time commitment. I am completely committed to myself and my own mental health. I need my friends, family, and even some solitude sometimes. I don’t mind alone time. Don’t take it personally, I’m just a very independent person.

I have my own life, too. I completely care about your problems and shitty days. I am beyond happy you feel as if you can come to me when you are feeling down. However, remember I, too, have some shit to deal with. Some days are much harder than others for me in multiple ways, ways in which you will find out sometime. I care about you, your issues, and your horrible nights… But don’t forget I have them too. And like I said, I come first.

I have amazing friends that I am NOT willing to get rid of for you. No, I don’t have 100 friends all around, though I do have a few that are absolute dimes. They are 10/10 in my heart. The girls may not be a problem, but I have amazing guy friends as well. I don’t care what your prior issue is with them — get over it or go. I won’t give up my male friends because of some petty bullshit you’ll make up over jealousy. Get. Over. It.

I don’t need fancy things. I’m pretty easy to please. Don’t hand me $100 or a Michael Kors purse “just because I wanted it.” I have my own money. I work hard each day in order to make that money so I can afford the luxuries I want. If you want to do something nice, be thoughtful. A note, a nice text, a random phone call just to see how my day is — those things will get you much further than buying my smiles. I absolutely promise you, the little things matter the most to me.

If I come to you upset — know I am beyond upset. I don’t ask for help. It’s not usual for me to show when I am feeling down. I don’t cry often at all, I don’t throw a tantrum. I won’t tell you I’m sad. I keep those emotions to myself for the most part, so when they come out, please know in that moment in time — I really really need your support.

I give what I receive. The more effort you put in, the more effort you get back. If I see you slipping, I will also do the same. 

If you have an issue, talk to me. Don’t you dare sit behind a screen and text me about a problem. Don’t even try it. Not only will I not respond but I will immediately get pissed off. If you have something bothering you, call me. Meet me somewhere. Come over. I will talk to you about absolutely anything, but I will not text you about serious matters. Our relationship is worth more to me than a conversation via electronics. It should be to you as well.

Become my bestfriend, and you will become my life long partner. I see a relationship as a friendship beyond limits. I make it a point to become extremely close with the person I am with. I feel like if I can’t talk to my significant other about anything, if I have to worry about judgement, or if I can’t openly have a conversation about certain things with you, why am I with you? Be my best friend and boyfriend, I promise we will have a much better relationship.

I talked to you last night, still not even knowing your name. The irrelevancy is quite high, and I don't care enough to know. You responded to a text I sent to him hoping by the grace of God I would get some final closure. Though you were kind, sweet, and a little unknowledgeable, I don't have much to say about you. I really hope you didn't get in trouble for taking his phone, he really doesn't like that. 

I don't know you, you definitely don't know me. As you were "trying to help" with a case you barely have even heard of, I got little impression of you from your misspelled words and quick judgement. I don't have a problem with you, I actually think it's sweet you reached out to me. But there are a few things you should know about what happened before you came along before you start to judge me as you did last night. 

I am completely over what you called a "good guy." I am not jealous or envious, I don't have any hate for you or bad feelings. I honestly hope you understand that what I have been through with your "boyfriend," is something you couldn't possibly comprehend. Not because you're "dumb" or "stupid," but because he will never tell you the full amount, and I will never leak those stories. 

Because that chapter of my life is over. I have never been so thankful to be able to speak those words. There are things that happened in which nobody knows about, not my friends or family, nor his. Just him and I — nobody else. Though the things he put me through were so heartless it made me a bit bitter for some time, I’m over that toxic life.

I may have sounded crazy last night, maybe a little insane. You must understand, my anxiety attacks are insane. I sat in my car for three hours as I hysterically cried so hard I couldn't speak. I was shaking so bad that I couldn't drive. I have mascara stains on my seats now because I couldn't quite control what my body was doing. I am extremely hurt and frustrated, however I am not "tied up," or "obsessed" with the little boy you are dating. I am stuck on the fact that someone can be so heartless and convince me otherwise. 

I have been you, and I have been in your place. I understand right now he is an amazing guy, one you could never imagine breaking your heart. The other ones and I felt the same way, I know this because I have reached out to them as you did to me. I understand he wakes up every morning and tells you that you're beautiful, tells you that you are gorgeous, and sends you sweet messages throughout the day saying that he misses you and he's never fallen so hard for anyone so fast. Those were the highlight of my day for almost a year. Until I found out he would say the same stuff to multiple people from the past, present, and now future. 

He's a good guy, when he has his mask on. He's an awesome boyfriend when you fully trust him, that way you don't look for any signs nor do you wonder why he has his phone so far away at times. I've been there — I trusted him. I just thought he was… Different. 

As he had a panic attack at 2am, I left my best friend at my house and rushed to him. I pulled into his driveway just to find out about girl #1, who happened to blow him off for another guy whom I knew, and he spilled everything. Poor girl didn't know about me, and I don't think he thought I would ever question him considering he never deleted the texts. But it happened, and of course, I forgave him. 

Then girl #2, 3, 4, 5…. 15 came along.

One sent me screenshots of his texts on my birthday saying, "I'm so sorry." I didn't even know this girl. That's the first time he told me he was in love with me, in my car, crying as I told him to stay away from me. So I forgave him. 

Another one told my best friend she's been talking to a guy who is so sweet, it happened to be him, and she had no idea about me either. That's when he bought me my princess ring, saying I will always be his princess no matter what. I forgave him. 

Three of the girls' screenshots popped up on my computer as I was downloading music onto his phone for him, along with a few nudes he had from them. Guess what? I forgave him. 

I straight up asked two girls, because I was suspicious. They both told me they didn't know about me, yes he's been pursuing them, and apologized. And again, I forgave him. 

Please, take it seriously when I say this — don't let him treat you like shit. He won't stop. 

I am so sorry you are playing my old role. I am so so sorry. I lost my cool sometimes, I followed my heart instead of my mind. I was not perfect, however I did everything I could to make him happy. Though I got out of that toxic life and have never been so proud of that, I still don't want others hurting. Nothing will ever be enough for boys like him.

I have no bad feelings when it comes to you, I honestly only feel bad FOR you. I have been you, girl. I have been innocent, sweet, kind, caring… I have been the one to "save" him. I have been the understanding and loving partner in crime. The shotgun rider, the best friend, the “bad bitch,” the other half. The one to help clean his truck, the one who always went on adventures, met the family and friends. I have been the one he went to sleep with and woke up beside, the one who he's "always wanted." I have been you. I understand where you are right now. I was so in love with that kid. But I repeat, I was in love with a kid. 

I hope you know your limits, I hope you know what you deserve. I hope you know when enough is enough. I hope you don't fall for the manipulation. I hope you take the high route. I hope you know you are worthy of more than what some people can give. 

I hope you know that when I say I am sorry, I know your position, and I feel awful you have to play the games I was addicted to at one point — you know I am serious. 

I am so sorry you probably have heard terrible things about me due to the lack of knowledge he has on respect and relationships. I am so sorry you probably think I am crazy and his friends will tell you the same. A few of them actually are a reason he gets girls, they hide the others from one another, so we didn’t get along very well. I’m sorry you have to hear all of this from a stranger.

I hope you do the right thing. I hope you hold your standards high. I hope you know the difference between "I'm sorry," and "I got caught." I hope you take care of yourself. I hope you know when to forgive, when to stop, and when to walk away. I honest to God hope you have an amazing life, which is why I am telling you again, do not let him disrespect you. 

I am so sorry for what you're about to experience. But please remember — there are a ton of us who have been through it, some worse than others. We have received the same texts, the same calls, the same pictures, the same "I love you so much *insert name*," the same "I want to marry you." We have all heard the “but you're different” speech, we have all heard the “you’re amazing bub." Some nights you may feel like you can’t make it, like it is killing you. We have all went through it, and we all repeatedly find a way to get over it. You will too. 

This is going to sound so crazy to you at the time, but one day you'll understand. 

I promise you will find peace in yourself after some time. You will be okay in the end. However, you must take the initiative to get out of the grave he will soon bury your heart in. 

Good luck, girlfriend.

Lots of hope & love being sent your way,

His “Forever Princess”

I was “head over boots” for you, and you took that to your advantage.

It’s disappointing to know that I, once again, overestimated someone’s character. I was very uneasy about you, and I should have taken that as a sign to stay away. However, I like to give everyone a chance. I like to get to know people rather than take everyone's word for it. I dont like to judge the book by it's cover, or for your sake, the boy by his truck. So I took a leap of faith. I trusted you before I knew you. I saw your act, not your show. I tried really hard to make this work, to make you happy. All to find out, that was my mistake.

At first, we were great. We agreed on most things, and respected each other’s opinions on the rest. We spent quality time together, had deep conversations, and learned so much in such little time. We seemed to be on the same page, and I had every intention to treat you like the prince I thought you were. 

But soon enough, the tables started to turn, and I began to slowly see your true colors. I may not be completely correct, and there may be a few things that I don’t fully understand due to your lack of communication with me, as you would say. But I have seen people like you before, and who you are, is not who I deserve.

I have been through this a few times, so needless to say I know the routine. We fight, make up, and fight again. You came and went like clockwork, never missing a tick. Whatever I do is wrong, and we are never on a constant. I must always be the one to fix things, and whatever I do is never enough. You only wanted to hang out when nobody else is around, and even then, I felt like a burden to you.

Let me say, I have learned a lot. You have helped me build my guard higher than it was before, and my mind is no longer so open. You have taught me to trust nobody, even when it seems like they’re on your side. You have taught me masks will come off with time, and to not trust the words “I’m sorry.” You have taught me to stay independent, stay true to myself, and to never believe hurting others is an accident. I have learned not to give in, not to be weak, and to never let anyone see my heart before they have proved their intentions.

Thank you for helping me see through the mask. Thank you for giving me the chance to see past your beautiful blue eyes. Thank you for showing me that there are more games than I have time to play. Thank you for showing me how deep my feelings can be for someone, because given my past, I never thought I would care again. Thank you for giving me heart ache, throwing my feelings around, and playing with my mind— without that I could not walk away with confidence. Thank you for leaving me with no other choice but to leave, I now see how toxic of an experience this was.

I will not say I understand, because I do not. I am very confused and extremely hurt. You made me believe you were someone whom you are not, and that alone has made me petrified to trust anyone. I am not going to say I don’t care about you, though. Nor am I going to say I don’t care about your well-being. The impact you have made on my heart is very deep and sore. I will still think about you every now and then, and be disappointed every once in awhile that I don’t get to wake up to your voice. 

But, like I said, you have left me with no other choice. I apologize for the lack of personal time you get, for the lack of independence and self confidence— which forces you to prey on girls like me. Apparently, I wasn’t enough for you, or at least that’s what you saw. I apologize that you’re going to read this and be angry with me, for calling you out, because you’re not used to people seeing past your handsome appearance. I apologize you have to go on without me, that is worse than any karma I could put on you.

I’m now understanding why you were thrown into my life, you have taught me a lot and reminded me why I have my guard so high. You taught me that sometimes people aren't meant to stay, but to break you until you see the light.  I’m thankful I got to experience something as twisted as this, because without it, I may not have been able to keep my confidence and independence. Without this I may not have been able to learn such fucked up actions are not excusable. 

So this is my way of having closure, since you refused to give me it in any other way. I hope you learn 3 things from this: 

1.Everyone’s feelings are important.

2.Don’t do something you wouldn’t want someone else to do.

3.Treat people with kindness, respect, and love.

Thank you for your time, bub. I will still be thinking about you now and then, and wonder how you’re doing. But your new victim can now take care of you. 

Like I have said time and time again, I can live without you. And I have been for some time now, believe it or not, walking away was the best thing I've ever done.

Take it as you may, but I hope you live every bit of the life you deserve.

Love always,

Princess Mags.

They say that time heals everything….

But that’s a damn lie.

They should say, “time heals most things,” because that is true. It does heal most things: broken bones, sore tooth, heartbreak, mental break downs, ect. But let me assure you, time most definitely does not heal everything.

Because when you lose a close friend, that kind of messes you up. No, I don’t mean arguing with your friend over a guy. I don’t mean losing your boyfriend over him some petty disagreement. I don’t mean losing contact with someone. I mean actually losing a close friend. Never being able to see them again. Never being able to hear their voice or feel their hugs. Never being able to laugh at their jokes or say things only they would understand. Never being able to cry on their shoulder or let them lean on you. No, none of those things. When I say losing a close friend, I mean waking up one day and they are gone. They’re not here anymore. They’re in a much better place, leaving you in a much worse state of mind.

There’s so much I wish I could have told you before you left. 

It’s hard to talk about. Really, I haven’t really talked to anyone about your absence. It’s easier to not let people know I’m upset. It seems much more logical to just toughen up and be “strong.” Because that’s what everyone really thinks is happening. Everyone just thinks everything is okay. It’s much easier to bottle it up rather than let anyone know how bad it really hurts, and trust me, it fucking hurts. Talking about it is much more painful than bottling it up, so that’s what I do. Some people have even forgotten that I lost you not too long ago. I mean, I understand. They didn’t know you, they never met you, you probably wouldn’t recognize them either. Just like I wouldn’t know some of their friends. But what people tend to forget, is just because it doesn’t affect them, doesn’t mean it wont forever affect me.

Most days when I think of you — I smile. I laugh a lot, look through our pictures, and in the back of my mind I can hear you saying “Maaaaaaggggsss!” I tend to hear your laugh throughout my days, and sometimes I swear you’re walking with me. Every time I wear my black wedges I think of you. Christmas is coming up and the closer it gets, the more I see you dancing on the Wii. It’s really amazing to have such good memories of you. I can honestly say I don’t have one bad memory with you, and that’s wonderful to me.

But other days, it’s really bad. I replay the memory of hearing about you passing, and I can feel myself losing it. I can feel myself ready to burst. I replay the words over, and over, and over. I can feel everything I felt the day I found out. I honestly think it hurts more each and every time I think about it. I replay the people I saw, the tears I lost, the rapid shaking while holding onto my best friend. I feel it all repeatedly, more intense with each time that memory comes back.

I remember it all so vividly. I remember people telling me, “It’ll be okay, time heals everything.”

Now it’s about six months later and I’m begging God to let me see you again. To let me hear your voice and hug you. To just let me grab onto you so tight and make you remember how loved you are. I’m begging for you to just show up in my dreams and play with my hair and lean close to me and whisper something funny to me. To be able to have a heart to heart one last time, and tell you how much I love you.

Turns out, nothing will ever brighten the tunnel it left in me. Nothing will mend the broken pieces that shattered inside of me. Nothing will repair the dents and cracks. Nothing will heal the loss of a friend from such an event. Nothing, absolutely nothing, will heal the broken heart and unanswered questions we all still have.

It’s been enough time where I should have healed at least the tiniest bit, yet nothing has gotten easier. Nothing has gotten better.

It seems to be crashing down worse, to be honest. I feel the same amount of pain today that I did three and a half months ago, if not more. 

So trust me when I say, time does not heal everything.

So.. Let me just give you a little perspective on how it is to have horrible anxiety. To start off, there IS a huge difference from just being anxious, and actually having an anxiety disorder. Everybody gets anxious from time to time, but having an anxiety disorder is much less common, and much more aggressive. When dealing with people who have an anxiety disorder, here are a few things to remember.

• In our minds, what can go wrong, will go wrong. Once the idea of something being unacceptable pops into our head it is difficult to convince ourselves otherwise, even if we know we are being unrealistic and absurd. 

• We know we are sometimes insane and pessimistic, which bothers us even more. One of the worst things about having anxiety is knowing there is no reason to be freaking out, but being unable to shut down the emotions and thoughts going through us.

• It is difficult to be around a lot of people because we worry much more than the ones surrounding us. It’s difficult to keep up with the side affects we have to deal with (such as random panic attacks, emotional break downs, ect.) and still be able to keep up with the ones who surround us. So don’t get offended when we aren’t up to being around others, sometimes it’s just too much of a challenge.

• We tend to be hard on ourselves, much harder than we should be, and most of the time end up being our own worst enemy. Most of the time, we find some kind of insecurity in the things we choose to do, and question our decisions.

• We don’t choose to have an anxiety disorder, though sometimes we may wish we didn’t have them. But without the infuriating and frustrating experiences we have had due to it, we would not be the same. It is a part of who we are.

• It is a mental illness, it is not controllable, and it does not mean we are weak. Some people tend to think people who have anxiety disorders are weak-minded and make it seem a lot worse than it is. But I promise you, it’s not something you can just “shut off.”

• Lastly, we know we are difficult to handle at times. We know how challenging it must be to continually try to help someone with something you just don’t quite understand, no matter how hard you try. We see your effort, and appreciate it more than you will ever know. We are more thankful for you than you will ever know.

Be patient with those around you suffering from an anxiety disorder, it’s much more difficult than you could imagine.

you know what i dont understand

“boys will be boys” is so often used

along with “be a lady with class”

but if boys will be boys.. why should girls be ladies

why should we be held to standards

if boys will be boys?

why are we expected to be

everything society has put in our

frame but…

boys will be boys?

why is it that “boys will be boys”

and are not responsible for their actions

yet if i do something such as

wear a skirt too short

or a shirt too low

i am fully responsible for

my actions and get labeled for years?

no.

“boys will be boys” is not acceptable

boys are also human beings

boys also age

boys are 100% capable of being men

boys are 100% capable of

understanding their actions

boys are 100% responsible for their actions

so if boys will be boys

then girls can be girls

dont tell me to be a lady until

you tell them to be men

don’t mark my words but

if more boys would stand up and be men

i think more girls would sit down and be ladies

You know exactly who you are,

First I want to apologize, I may have been a little too protective, worried, and nervous, and I am deeply sorry for that. I’m sorry I may have looked too deeply into your eyes while conversing with you late at night, that must have been intimidating. I’m sorry I tried to help you too much and I was ALWAYS there in the middle of the night when you needed a friend, I know that made you less independent. I’m sorry I expected too much from you some days, after all, you are just one boy. I’m sorry I had such a big heart for you. I apologize for the few times I raised my voice at you, for getting angry, for being mean and upset. I now understand the actions I expected from you could only come from a man, and you are only boy.

I’m sorry you have will never be able to carry a deep-minded conversation with anyone due to your lack of emotions, truly, those conversations are what keeps people connected. I’m sorry you were not given all of my attention at all times, being in college full time and working afterwards sometimes distracted my attention away from you. I’m sorry you felt the need to lie to me consistently. I’m sorry you have to remember all the things you have said that differ from the things you have done, that must be exhausting. I’m sorry you have to work all the time. I’m sorry you have no time for yourself. I’m sorry you have to be an adult much earlier than you planned to. I’m sorry you have a hard time focussing, except on other girls, of course.

I’m sorry you left me standing in the rain with tears pouring down my face. I’m sorry you had to see me in such condition. I’m sorry you gave up the one person who did everything possible for you. I apologize you felt the need to leave me in the dust without an explanation. I’m sorry you and I kept coming back to each other, playing little mind games. I’m sorry I didn’t leave you earlier, I only had 1,000+ reasons to do so. I’m sorry you have to let the most loyal and respectable girl you have ever met behind. I apologize for the huge mistake you have made. Honestly, I’m so sorry. I could never put the sympathy I have for you into words.

You left me in such a vulnerable state, without any question as to if I was okay. My phone didn’t stop ringing for weeks upon weeks, what would I do without my amazing friends? You would not give me any reason, you just walked away and did not question your decision. Out of all the things that have ran through my mind to say to you, I have concluded there is only one you should hear— Thank you.

Thank you for leading me on, eventually forcing me reevaluate my life. Thank you for giving me the chance to find myself without you. Thank you for letting me live freely, and happily. Thank you for showing me how toxic people mangle their way into big-hearted people’s lives. Thank you for pointing out all my imperfections, and letting me realize, by myself, I am imperfectly beautiful. Thank you for taking advantage of my big heart, I now understand not everyone deserves to see it. Thank you for making my self-love sky rocket. Thank you for introducing me to my courage and strength I forgot I had. Thank you for letting me love myself, way more than I could ever love you. Thank you for leaving me and coming back, for without that, I would have never been able to walk away by myself.

I want you to know I am not spiteful. I am not angry. I am not upset or frustrated. Though I am still a little confused, I have no bad feelings for you. However, I do not believe you are a genuinely good person. But without people like you, there would be no people like me. People who will always understand, always get back up, always keep going. People who learn to love themselves regardless of the bullshit others have put them through, or led them to believe for a little period of time. People who have such a big heart, they will always forgive. Just know, you got lucky. Because people like you, don’t deserve people like me. Now I know better.

This is my final goodbye. So take it as you may, but I hope you have the life you deserve.

Xoxo,

Princess