Author: Manpreet Kaur

I wish you were the Jess in my life.

I want you this silence, this running away to end with you randomly showing up in town and saying “I love you” after I yell at you. I never understood what Rory went through until now, but she is luckier than me in one aspect, she got Jess back. Even if it was temporary.

You just left. Jess did the same. He had reason to. What’s your reason? Will I ever get to know? You didn’t even wish me a happy birthday. It was the only thing going through my mind the last few days. Where’s my missed calls? Unfortunately, the answer to all these questions is: life isn’t a Gilmore Girls episode. And you aren’t Jess, and I’m no where near Rory. 

So maybe one day, you’ll just be Manny. I don’t know what Manny is like when he leaves unexpectedly but I sure do hope he comes back like Jess does. And unlike Rory, I won’t let you leave again. I’ll grab your hand tight, and tell you “I love you, too.”

I never even knew this term existed, until it actually happened to me. The sad part is that it's been done enough by individuals, that a term had to be created.

Why can't people just be sensitive and aware of how their actions will affect others? 

You see I was ghosted for the first time at 25 years old. It wasn't by just some random stranger but rather by boyfriend. A man who told me he was ready to adopt a puppy with me and buy me a ring to signify how serious he was about me. 

Yet suddenly, you decide to disappear? No more answers to my texts or calls. I was the one who gave silent treatments to people when I'm angry but never to you. I never gave you one because I was aware of the fact that it would cause you pain and anxiety if I didn’t answer you or explain that I am upset. 

But when the tables turned, you didn’t care. I still don’t know what I did to upset you so badly that we didn’t even argue or discuss it. You wanted space, but never expressed it. How was I supposed to know what is going in your mind? I shared the most personal of thoughts with you because you told me to treat you as a friend first, then partner. 

The thing that haunts me to this day is, what happened? I still have no idea. You said you don’t want to explain. You wouldn’t even let me hold your hand or kiss you on the cheek. 

I lose sleep every night wondering what happened. And when I do manage to sleep, all I do is dream of you. I wonder if I’ll ever get past this. The only advice I have to give to any one reading this is, please don’t “ghost” people. It truly isn’t fun being on the receiving end. It’s painful and mind boggling to say the least.

I’m sitting here trying to remember the last message I ever received from you.. but I can’t remember. 

I simply can’t remember.

I do know it must’ve been something harsh and rude. That’s probably why my subconscious refuses to recall it. I guess in a way I’m glad I forgot it. 

Why couldn’t we be like other couples? 

Where is my conversation full of loving words of closure? 

I truly wish I could have gotten some sense of what you feel and how things are going to be if we ever do cross paths again. But, I’ll never know.

All I can assume is that you hate my guts, maybe even more now that we’re not together. 

So yeah, I don’t remember the last message I received. And it’s mind boggling trying to figure it all out.

I hate myself for it but I still think of you all the time.

I still find myself wishing to bump into you when I find out you’re around.

I still wonder if you make it to work on time.

I still wonder if you washed the stack of dishes in the sink.

I still wonder if you wear the sunglasses I got you.

I still wonder if you go pray even though you don’t believe in doing so.

I still wonder if you call your parents.

I still miss your smile.

Most of all, I still love you.

It scares me.
It genuinely scares me.

I am starting to forget the little details of some memories.

I randomly remember moments that occurred and realize I had forgotten them for so long. I had pushed you and everything pertaining to you to the very back of my mind. Because at the time, it was necessary. It was the only way I could move on and attempt to get over you. But now, now I’m realizing that it was a failed attempt. Not only did I not move on, but the memories have faded and I hate it.

I used to be able to feel you and hear your voice even if you weren’t with me. Now I just hear everything in my own voice and I shudder at remembering the feeling of your hand. 

It scares me.
It scares me that I’m losing what little I had left of you. 

It’s becoming foggy and harder for me to figure out who you were. 

The timeline of our relationship is definitely one for the books. It was fairytale perfect and just as fast, became horror film ugly. My problem is that I don’t know which memories to try to hold onto. If I hold onto you from the beginning, I may always remain in love with you and prevent myself from fully moving on. On the other hand, if I hold onto the you from the final days, I’ll live my life hating you and regretting my decisions when it comes to choosing a life partner. 

So you see, this is why I’m so confused.

I have a puzzle to put together but most of the pieces are damaged and some missing. So how will I know what the final picture is?

Note: This was written a while ago but I decided it’s time I can share this with the world.

The worst part after a break up is the long lonely nights. You try and reach out to people but it’s when you need someone the most, that no one seems to be available.

I find myself finding loop holes to see what Sonu’s up to. The thing is, he’s fine. That’s what hurts the most. Today I found he’s in San Franscisco and it simply just hurt. We were supposed to do these things together. We had planned to travel together. The worst was seeing a picture in which he was posing like I used to ask him to when I took pictures for him. 

I find myself yearning to speak to him but I know it won’t do me any good. I stare at pictures of him and my heart just shatters. How could this man who looks so damn sweet and caring and sincere hurt me? It makes absolutely no sense that we didn’t work out. He should have been here with me tonight on FaceTime snoring away peacefully. 

A year ago I didn’t know if we were going to work out but every nerve in my body wanted him to be the one regardless. Today I’m just wondering, what the hell Preeti? Why couldn’t we resolve this issue? It wasn’t a big issue in my eyes and still isn’t. Yet we failed. We failed to keep the promise we made to our families and God to become husband and wife one day. We failed to love each other through the good and bad. 

Yet my stupid heart still chooses to love him. Every single day. I see our memories everywhere I travel. Every day I remember the conversations from the past year. Despite deleting all evidence of us, I still find something. One day it was the Dallas key chain on my keys. The next day it was the gym sneakers I lent him still stashed in the trunk of my car. Even the watch I wear reminds me of him every time someone compliments it. 

I’ve honestly never been more lost in life. I’ve never been so confused and hopeless. The worst of it is that everyone around me thinks I’m doing great. I mean I spend the entire day laughing and smiling. No one knows the pain I grow every time I’m alone. I spend all my drives wiping away tears. My pillows gotten so used to being soaked from the river of tears spilled every night. 

Kyun ki tum hi ho
Ab tum hi ho
Zindagi ab tum hi ho
Chain bhi, mera dard bhi
Meri aashiqui ab tum hi ho

Yes, that’s right. At this point, it’s just you that I’ll always define as the one for me. It hurts because I finally realized that tonight. You are the one who taught me how to live and love life, you are the one who taught me hurt, yet you are the one who I love. I love you. It’s that simple. I’ll always love you. Loving doesn’t mean I have to aspire to be with you. Loving you doesn’t mean you have to love me back. I just simply love you and want the best for you. My love for you is what keeps me away from you every single day of my life. You think it’s easy to not call or text you? You think it’s easy to hang up when I hear your voice say “hello?” No, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. But I know in order for you to be who you want to be and get to where you want to get, I have to not be a part of your life. So I’ll continue to love you from afar. I’ll continue to live through all the memories we’d made. Because, I love you. You are the one. You are my life, my happiness, my sorrow, and my one true love.

I mean it.

Thank you so very much. 

If it weren't for you, I would not be the woman I am today. You hurt me so much and in such a significant way, I never thought it possible to ever recover. Fortunately for me, and somewhat unfortunately for you, I am recovering just fine.

I am beginning to finally love myself despite my flaws. You tried so damn hard to break me and even succeeded at one point but now I know better. Thank you for teaching me that I don't have to mold myself into this stereotypical "desi wife material." Seriously, all thanks to you, I was able to brush off the next man who gave me the same nonsense you had for the all those months. Thanks to your constant insecurities, now when a man is insecure, I know he just isn't good enough for me. 

Even a bigger thank you goes to you for helping me to be closer to my family than I have ever been before. I am finally able to express my feelings and emotions to my brothers because I am not longer afraid of them judging me either. They love me for getting past all the brutality that you consisted of. Most of all, I am finally able to get through introductions without having to explain my relationship status or why I'm always anxious and fearful because I am not longer any of those things. I am just me and proud of it. I am not your failure of a fiancé. I don't have to pretend to be someone you are proud of. Rather I am simply proud of me. So thank you.

I truly, genuinely, and wholeheartedly thank you for creating the biggest rut in my life. Now that I've surpassed it, it feels great knowing I have so much strength within me.

Behind every smile is a story. 

But not every story is a positive one.

You see, you never looked past the smile. You didn't notice her fidgeting hands, the wrinkles that shouldn't have emerged for another ten years, the puffiness in her eyes from all the tearful nights. You only saw what you wanted to see, a girl who only smiles and laughs and knows no sorrow. You wanted a girl who would believe everything you said without question. 

That's the problem though. We want to believe so badly that people are actually happy and doing great in life. It's easier to just get on with our day and our lives if we don't dig deeper. 

Dig deeper. If you past the smile, you'll notice that she's just trying to hide her pain behind the winged eyeliner and plumpy pink lips. Now go even deeper. You'll find a sense of reluctance in her in allowing you to be a part of her life. She treads very carefully these days with whom she opens up to. She decides to trust you though. Her gut tells her, it's about time to let go of the doubts created by the past. 

I’ve always been great with dates and thought of it as a positive aspect of my personality. Today, I beg to differ. I wish I didn’t remember this date. I wish I didn’t remember April 17th. I wish I didn’t spend the entire week dreading today and giving it so much importance. But you see this one date impacted my life in a way no other has. 

April 17th. April 17th is the night I heard his voice for the very first time. It’s the night our paths crossed. It’s the night that started this insane rollercoaster of a year full of intense emotions started. But you see, I wish I never picked up that phone that day so I wouldn’t give a damn about this date today. 

April 17 ruined my life. I mean how could I have even anticipated that it would lead to such drastic events in my life? 

You see on April 17th, I allowed this man to enter my life and my family’s. The guy who hurt us the most, and most of all hurt me in ways I never thought I would have to ever recall. A year ago, I was an independent, confident, maybe even slightly arrogant, woman who respected herself even despite the many mistakes she made in life. Now a year later, I deal with low self-esteem, fear of rejection, confusion, and most of all, I’ve become the girl I always read about. A year ago, I allowed the man who would end up abusing me, physically and emotionally, to enter my life. Again, there’s no way I could’ve foreseen it but that doesn’t make me wish any less that it hadn’t happened. I used to celebrate each and every 17th as if it was great milestone in my life since last April but slowly they become markers of how long I’d been imprisoned inside a life I don’t want. 

April 17th. I don’t think I’ll ever forget this date for as long as I’ll live but I do hope the pain of it fades away with better memories each passing year.