Author: Mar-li Pitcher

Mar-li can't decide whether or not she's a native New Yorker; she was born in San Francisco and is very proud of that. She has also spent the last 10 years living there, however, she was raised right here in the Big Apple. When not trying to decide which coast to claim (or deny) Mar-li is usually writing; (short stories mostly) or or thinking about her cat (Frosty), or actively working on her plan to fix her life by age 40... Twitter handle: Facebook URL:

The Phrase Every Retail Worker Hates…And How They Want to Reply to It

If you’ve ever worked retail you know the type and you can spot them a mile away. They’re frowning at the price tags, taking mental notes, and looking around for someone to complain to. They are the Bargainers. The Hagglers. The “What’s the price for me?”‘ers.

They know every product in your store ’cause they are literally there every day, so naturally the rules (or, more accurately, the prices), don’t apply to them. They strut through the store, checking every item for the “just for them” discount.

And for those of us who have ever had to deal with delightful people, you know that as soon as you hear them utter the words “I come here all the time” you’re bound to think:

  1. “And?” Do you honestly think there’s a discount for people who bother us every single day? There isn’t. In fact, if we can find a way to charge you extra, we will.
  2. “Then you should know what the price of that item is.” If you’re here all the time, you should know that the price of pens is $3.99. No coupons. No discounts. $3.99. That’ll be $3.99 please.
  3. “Would you like a medal?” Or, better yet, a Job application?
  4. “Why?” Why in the world do you need so much cold medicine? Are you building a meth lab?
  5. “I know, you’re here more than I am.” And I get paid for being here. You, on the other hand, are losing money on the deal.
  6. “Really? Don’t you have better things to do?” Than troll for discounts at CVS? Really? There’s nothing better you could be doing with your time? Wow.
  7. “The motto is ‘service with a smile, not with a discount.'” No, not even for you, in fact, especially not for you.
  8. “Here’s a suggestion: Instead of wasting time looking for special pricing, just buy the damn shirt and get on with your life.” Or at least let me get on with mine.
  9. “I know you’re here all the time because you say that every day.” And there won’t be any special discounts just for you tomorrow, either.
  10. “Let me ask my manager.” That’s code for ‘go in the break room and complain about you for 10 minutes.’
  11. “There’s been a change in company policy; Customers are only allowed to visit the store three times per week.” So I’m going to need you to leave. Now.
  12. “I didn’t realize it was possible to major in “bargaining.”” Where did you go to school? Jerk University?
  13. “There’s nothing in this store that wasn’t here yesterday.” Or the day before. Or the day before that.
  14. “This this the 10th time I’ve seen you this week, should I be concerned?” Seriously dude, you need a life.
  15. “I think you’re confusing this store with your mom’s house.” She may care how special you are but I don’t.

Girl Code Exposed!

All you did was ask him if he planned to see the new Will Smith movie and now he’s texting you 10 times a day. And when you ask him what’s up with that, he’s declaring his love. Huh? What gives?

Why is it that men interpret everything we do as flirting?  And I mean EVERYTHING:

You say: “Hi.”

He thinks: She’s so into me.

You say: “I’m going to grab a coffee, anybody want one?”

He thinks: Coffee huh? I know what that means…

You say: “How was your weekend?”                                                   

He thinks: She’s wondering if I’m single.

You say: “Want to study for the Chem final together?”

He thinks: “study” huh? 

You say: “Can I borrow a pencil?”

He thinks: I wonder if by ‘pencil’ she means…..

You say: “Great shirt!”

He thinks: She thinks I’m hot.

You: Like his Facebook post.

He thinks: She totally wants me.

You: Forward him the latest cat video making the rounds.

He: Responds with a not-so-subtle text about liking pussies.

 

Sigh. Men, even when you are thinking about the laundry, they assume you are thinking about them.

Clever Sayings as Seen on T-shirts!

Were you saying something? I was thinking about my cat again….. I saw this on a t-shirt and immediately added it to my wish list! It seems t-shirts, like song lyrics, are capable of expressing exactly what we are thinking. Check out companies like The Spunky Stork for some fun kids tees.

 

For the fun at heart, here are a few examples:

1. Don’t Grow up, It’s a Trap.

Trust me,  it is.

2. I could be a morning person, if morning happened around noon.

Exactly.

3. But first, coffee.

Always.

4. I am silently correcting your grammar.

All. The. Time.

5. In alcohol’s defense, I’ve done some pretty stupid things sober too.

Sadly.

6. I speak fluent sarcasm.

All the best people do.

7. Shoe Addict.

No, but I know a couple…..

8. Cleverly disguised as an adult.

Actually, I’m not sure how well the disguise is working……

9. I don’t like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.

Amen.

10. Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I give myself good advice but I rarely follow it.

11. I can’t solve problems with cupcakes but they make me feel better.

That and ice cream.

12. Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped as Gods, they have never forgotten this.

Tell me about it.

13. I put the pro in procrastination.

I’ll think of something clever for this later……

14. You want a perfect girl? Go buy yourself a Barbie doll.

The Gospel according to Meghan Trainor.

15. Sleep…..Big fan.

Indeed I am.

16. I’m unreliable, disorganized, inefficient, unmotivated, and immature….but I’m fun!

In a word…..

17. Are these people really my relatives?

Sometimes I wonder…..

18. I wish my life had the undo button.

Don’t we all?

19. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…..floor.

And that goes double for Jager.

20. A good friend helps you move, a best friend helps you move a body….

And provides you with an alibi.

Over It: 10 Facebook Statuses That Must Be Stopped

Thanks so much for that riveting update about your super busy life. Nobody has ever gone to work, the gym, AND made dinner all in one day! How DO you do it???

There are many things wrong with society today but chief among them is Facebook statuses that herald the mundane. Or the stupid. Or the cruel. News flash people; Facebook is not free therapy. Nor is it the proper vehicle for arguments or inflating your ego. For those of you that don’t know what I’m talking about (and judging by frequent news feeds, there are a lot of you) I have composed a guide. If you are planning to post any of the following Facebook statuses do the world a favor and don’t.

1. “Let’s see who reads this.”

If you need to create a captcha to find out who your friends are, you need new friends.

2. Check-ins everywhere.

You went to Starbucks. Then work. Followed by the gym and the grocery store. Stop checking in everywhere. Documenting your every move is your stalker’s job.

3. “Days like this make me so depressed……”

Sigh. Okay drama queen, what’s wrong now?

4. Workflow!

It’s great that you found time for this post. I’m usually too busy working to post about work…..

5. “B***** be fake. If you got something to say, step to me and say it to my face B!”

I’m pretty sure my IQ dropped 3 points from writing that. And if I am forced to keep reading statuses like this I’m afraid it’s going to drop to match the IQ of the person who wrote it.

6. #Winning.#Blessed#Sorrynotsorry#Yea#Ican’t#nomnom…….

This is not a Facebook status; this is a keyboard malfunction. Have your computer checked for bugs. #Stopit.

7. ‘Bout to get twisted. Holla!

Don’t tell anybody that. Especially if you make this behavior a habit.

8. “Too blessed too be stressed”.

The occasional quote is fine. Witty even. But to those of you whose Facebook statuses read like this everyday: Log off of BrainyQuotes already and attempt to think for yourself.

9. Insert overused pic that supposedly applies to every situation here…..

Pictures of Katt Williams with a stupid look on his face does not accurately illustrate every moment in your life. And if it does…..

10. “Don’t mess with the crazy!”

And any other status that is supposed to make us afraid of you. You want to scare us? Tell us your stupidity is contagious.

Lifehacks: 10 Lesser Known Tips for Success at Work

Wear conservative make up: Of course.

Dress appropriately; Duh. 

Be punctual; Obviously, but what about the things that nobody tells you? Here are 10 tips for success you’ve never heard.

1. Live in a cold climate?

If you have to travel in rain/snow boots invest in one of those re-usable bags. They look much nicer than a plastic bag!

2. Eat smart.

Save the loud chips and smelly egg salad for a picnic.

3. JFGI

Just F***** Google it. Not sure about the company’s policy on casual Friday? Ask. Not sure how to upload files to Dropbox? JFGI. No need to make yourself look less competent than you are!

4. “If it falls to your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures, sweep streets like Beethoven composed music …” 

Do EVERYTHING well. The smallest task may make the biggest difference.

5. Write things down!

The bathroom code? Cafeteria operating hours? Asking the same questions over and over again will drive you (and everyone else) crazy! Take notes, after all what are Smartphones for? (Besides cat videos of course).

6. Don’t leave exactly at 5 but don’t stay till 10 either.

You know those people who are in the office till 10 on a Friday night? All they’re doing is demonstrating that they don’t believe in boundaries and that they are easily exploited. Being the last to leave doesn’t make you a better employee but neither does running for the door at 4:58.

7. Personal music should be just that….personal.

If you’re going to listen to music at work, invest in headphones. No one else wants to hear Iggy Azalea.

8. And while we’re at it, vibrate your cell phone.

You are the only one who wants to hear ‘Let it go’ every 20 minutes.

9. It is far more important to decide what you are not going to do than what you are going to do.

Knowing in advance how you’re going to handle certain situations is part of the foundation of success.

10. Do not Facebook/blog/etc about how much you hate your boss.

Remember, in the information age, everything is a matter of public record. The last thing you want is to be fired by your jerk boss for calling him a jerk on Twitter. Complain about him over a Jack & Coke like an adult.

Also: “When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.” – Robert Fulghum

15 Situations That People With Anxiety Hate (and How We React to Them)

Worrying is normal. We all do it. It’s a natural response to a distressing situation. But for the 40 million of us living with anxiety EVERYTHING’S a distressing situation.

Here are a few examples of the extraordinary responses to ordinary situations every anxiety sufferer has had:

The situation: Getting dressed.

“Should I wear this? I bet everyone will think I look ridiculous. I should change. Ugh! All of my clothes are ridiculous! Maybe I should stop at the mall on my way to work and buy a new outfit……”

The situation: The bus is 10 minutes late.

“Where is this $#%@! bus!!” They know I have somewhere to be. Why are they doing this to me?!”

The situation: Starbucks is out of bagels.

“No no no no no! Bagels are part of my routine. If I don’t have a bagel I can’t go to work, if I don’t go to work i’ll get fired, then I’ll have no money and end up living in a van by the river. I MUST have my bagel!”

The situation: Being late to work.

“I’m 10 minutes late, I shouldn’t even bother going since they are defiantly going to fire me. Oh well, back to job searching on Craigslist……”

The situation: Seeing a co-workers being called into the boss’s office.

“Are they in trouble? What did they do? Are they getting fired? No, they’re awesome, i’ll bet they’re getting a promotion. A big promotion. Oh, I wish I was them!”

The situation: YOU getting called into the boss’s office.

“Oh no! What did I do? Does he know that I was crusin ebay during our staff meeting? I am defiantly getting fired! How am I going to pay rent? I’m going to end up living in a van by the river…..”

The situation: You computer crashes.

“Noooo! This can NOT be happening! What am I going to do? My whole life is on that computer! Can I afford to fix it? What if it can’t be fixed? There is no way I can afford another one. Why do things like this always happen? aggh!” 

The situation: Not receiving a reply to a text/e-mail/etc.

“I sent that text/e-mail 10 minutes ago, why haven’t they responded? Are they mad at me? What did I do? How do I fix this?”

The situation: Other people laughing (and you don’t know why).

“Are they laughing at me? I’m sure they are…..”

The situation: The end of a successful first date.

“Where is this going? Would he make a good life partner? How long should I wait till I introduce him to my parents.”

The situation: Unsolicited advice.

“Why are they telling me this? They must think i’m a moron who is incapable of running my life. Wait, CAN I run my life?”

The situation: Receiving a compliment.

“How nice. Too bad they didn’t really mean it….”

The situation: Receiving an insult.

“Really? That’s what they think? Are they right? They’re probably right……”

The situation: Receiving a call from a family member.

“What’s wrong?”

The situation: Forgetting your lunch (or anything) at home.

“I can’t believe I left it at home! I’m such a moron! Now I won’t be able to do anything…..”

Basically, living with anxiety is like living in a bomb shelter; you’re constantly waiting for the world to end……

26 Words That are Basically the Equivalent of Ugg Boots

Swag; as a noun: awesome. As a verb: Irritating. Cray cray? Love it. ’bout that life? Yup. But there are some catch phrases that need to go……Now. Here are 25, feel free to add your own.

  1. Turn up/Turn down for what: Every time I hear this I want to channel my inner old lady and shout “get off my lawn!”
  2. Ratchet: A ratchet is a tool. So is everyone who insists on using this word.
  3. Twerk: When I typed this word, the computer tried to correct me. As I am trying to correct those of you who think this word/behavior is okay. It’s not. 
  4. Basic: Basic? Really? Come on, now you’re not even trying.
  5. Amazeballs: Actually, this is fine. If you’re 11.
  6. YOLO: Not only is this acronym tired and irritating, it’s insensitive to people who believe in reincarnation.
  7. Totes: Unless, you work at Target and are unloading a shipment of reusable bags using this word makes you sound like a moron. And we are judging you.
  8. Wonky: Unless you are abbreviating Wonka then……no, never mind, don’t do that either.
  9. Surreal: People use this in an attempt to sound smart. And if you have to try to sound smart, you’re not. Sorry.
  10. Chillax: Ugh! It’s chill or relax and I can do neither until this word goes away.
  11. Shut up: Exactly.
  12. K.K: Meaning Okay. Are we seriously this lazy as a society? 
  13. Slippery slope: The next person who says this is getting pushed down one.
  14. As Such: This is an attempt at business speak, which is a whole other category of annoying.
  15. Deets: I don’t even know what this one means. And I don’t want to.
  16. Sitch: Again with the laziness. Isn’t sloth one of the seven deadly sins.
  17. 2 in place to too (or to, or two): Don’t make me kill you.
  18. Sesh: As in short for session. Who uses session in everyday convo? Which brings me to
  19. Convo: Seriously?
  20. Bestie: This only works if you’re Amy Farrah Fowler. As for the rest of you? Not so much.
  21. Mad (as in “mad hard”): This makes me……..well, you know.
  22. Wifey: Grounds for divorce, if you ask me.
  23. Frenemy: Is anyone still using this one? If so, please stop.
  24. Uber: This word is uber-annoying.
  25. Keep calm and_____on: Like so many other things, this one has run its course.
  26. Also, Confusion of They’re, there, and their: What is wrong with you people? 

Of course this is just my opinion, I could be wrong. (but i’m not).

10 Things to Know Before Diving into Online Dating

You’ve been texting with this guy you met on OkCupid for two weeks and things are getting interesting. You’ve friended each other on Facebook (And he totally liked your pic of you and your girls rocking it at karaoke!), swapped stories about your fam, and you let it slip that you do a lot of shopping at Victoria’s Secret (wink. wink). But then…….nothing. You don’t hear from him at all the next day. Or the day after. Or the day after that.

Now you’re stuck in virtual insanity: Do you text him? Poke him on Facebook? Post a sexy pic of yourself on Instagram to remind him what he’s about to lose?

Of course not, that would make you look desperate. So, you do the only thing you can do: watch your fantasies of horse-drawn perfection drift back into the fairy dusted neverland from which they came and vow that this will not happen to you again! But it will happen again. So the next time a witty message appears in your inbox from your next potential match (or mistake!) be ready:

  1. Have realistic expectations: This guy is not Prince Charming and you are not Snow White. Leave Once Upon a Time to ABC.
  2. Profile the profile: You know what you want. You know what you need, so go get it! Does it feel shallow to rule a guy out based on looks or profession? Do it anyway. More than likely there are certain attributes that complement you and convincing yourself otherwise is setting yourself up for failure.
  3. Judge a book by its cover: Let’s face facts: the less clothing a guy is wearing in his profile pic the less likely he’s looking for a relationship that’s going to last longer than five minutes.
  4. Two’s a crowd: My advice? If a guy’s profile pic is of him and three guys……or him and three girls, or him and anyone really, take a pass. Maybe that pic of him and his mom shows he has strong family ties. But, then again, so did the Mason family. Do you really want to take that chance?
  5. What’s in a name?: In a word: everything. If a guy’s username is anything even close to DirtyDiaper08 or ButtThunder (yes, those are actual examples) RUN!
  6. Read between the texts: Once the texting starts, keep score. Does he respond to your carefully thought out communications with cheap one-liners. That’s code for “he’s just not that into you.”
  7. Make a game plan: And stick to it! How often would you like to hear from him? Do you want him to “check in” with you? How long after initial contact would you like go on an actual date? Decide on these things beforehand and don’t settle for less than you deserve.
  8. Sup? can i get u #?: Nope. Odds are, if this is his idea of communication, his other skills will leave a lot to be desired.
  9. Willing to lie about how you met: This tells you that he is embarrassed about online dating which can be due to a couple of things; none of these things are good things and all should be avoided if at all possible. Willing to lie about how you met? What else is he willing to lie about??
  10. You remind me of a girl I once knew…You want to be this guy’s future, not his past. That’s fairly difficult to achieve if he keeps harping on how much you remind him of his ex. After all, if she was so wonderful, he’d still be with her.
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