Author: Matthew Leigh

My dad is one of the strongest men I have ever met. He grew up in the 60’s and has been a hard working man his entire life. Right out of High School he followed in his older brothers footsteps and joined the Marine Corps. After spending his four years serving his country he was recruited by the U.S. Marshal service where he worked for about 25 years until he retired. Now, that description to me sounds like a manly man, going from the military to working in the Federal government, what could define a man more?

With the sort of career he chose comes a stigma. Most would expect a man like him to be very firm, direct, poised, and somewhat emotionless. The phrase “men don't cry” I feel would some up that stigma. On top of that, most son’s who are raised by men like that would probably have some issues sharing their feelings and would feel like wimps if they were to cry over something. 

That’s not how my dad is though and that’s not how he raised me. Growing up I can count on one hand how many times he has cried, so I definitely would not call him a crier by any stretch of the imagination. However, he let me cry. I have always been a fairly emotional guy. I was bullied all throughout elementary and middle school and many nights would come home and cry as I tried to fall asleep. All he would do would be to look at me with such empathetic eyes and tell me that kids are cruel and that things would get better. He never put me down for crying or made me feel like less of a man for it. 

10 years later and I am just as emotional, but I am not a crier anymore. I wish I could be though. In high school I began to think that men shouldn't cry(I was trying to be a hard ass), and so between that and the antidepressants I was prescribed I eventually lost the ability to cry. I feel like Cameron Diaz from the Holiday. 

There is something so therapeutic about crying. It is an outward expression on how you’re truly feeling on the inside. It can also act as a gauge to know if you have truly healed or not. Not being able to cry anymore has made healing from emotional wounds very confusing. I could feel fine one day and assume that I’m over whatever it was that hurt me just to be reminded of it the following day and fall right back into the hurt. 

As a man I have discovered that it is more important to be true to who you are at the core, than to attempt to fit into a pre-established mold. Just because I classify myself as emotional does not mean that I am any less of a man. I will fight when I have to, I will stand up for what is right, I will protect my family, and never let the little people be walked over. But I will also feel and I will feel with everything inside me. My backbone is not made weaker with emotion but stronger in fact, because I am functioning as my true self. Be a man and cry a little.

The way us guys cope with a breakup is very different than girls. And honestly, it hurts a whole lot more and it seems like most people just ignore the fact that we’re suffering too. Obviously, we’re not the type to call our bro’s crying, but we sure as hell are going to express our emotions in one way or another… 

Stage 1: Confusion

We as guys tend to be a little more oblivious to some hints that girls may assume we catch. They could be trying to tell us for weeks that they are trying to end things and we could have no clue. We could even be pushing them away and we wouldn’t even realize.  So when girls finally muster the courage to bluntly tell us it’s over, it feels as though the rug has been yanked out from under us. Every. Single. Time.  

Stage 2: Self-Destructive Habits

This could come in a plethora of ways but it usually manifests in that one thing we’ve been trying to beat. For me it was smoking. I had been doing pretty well with quitting until she ended things. The moment I got off work that night I bolted to the gas station for a pack of smokes. But for other guys it could include overeating, making thoughtless decisions, or going out way too much.  

Stage 3: The Underpants Radius/ Homebody Syndrome 

Every man has tested the limits of their radius at some point in their lives, but few times are ever more trying than during breakups. Urban dictionary defines the underwear radius like this.

“The distance a man is able to comfortably travel (from his bed) without pants; the average radius being just the distance to the shower. It is theorized that a man's underpants radius is inversely proportional to his confidence; that is, the farther a man travels from his bed in just his underwear, the less he believes in himself.”

The distance we might travel depends on the amount of self-loathing and our lack of confidence. We might be testing the boundaries by grabbing the mail in our underwear or even going all the way to the bank. 

Stage 4: Sadness Induced Heavy Drinking 

By this time in the breakup, our friends will have taken us out for a drink in an attempt to clear our heads. But alas, all that happens is emotional drinking. Talking about all of the good things about her and wishing we could have her back. It just all floods us at once and suddenly we’re caught with tears in our eyes in the middle of the bar so we isolate ourselves until we’re calm. It hurts us even more because we allowed someone to see us vulnerable like that. 

Stage 5: Excessive Masturbation

I believe this number is self-explanatory. 

Stage 6: Anger Induced Heavy Drinking 

It could be a few days after the first night out or even weeks, but our friends will attempt to take us out again, hoping for a better outcome. No such luck, this night involves getting just as sloshed. But instead of wanting her back we’re bringing up all the things we hate about her and how we think she’s stupid. 

We might question our friends for letting us date her and make ultimatums like, “I’m never dating someone like her again.” But remember, this anger stems from a very broken heart and yeah, we’ll admit this isn’t the healthiest stage but it happens. We just have to ride it out. 

Stage 7: “I Can Do Anything” 

Ah, the last stage. If you have made it to this stage congratulations, you’re almost over her! However, don’t assume that this is a good stage, it can get us in just as much trouble as the others. Another name for this stage could be “The Barney Stinson” stage. This is the part where we somehow take on a bunch of false confidence and assume that we can do anything in the world. 

Some results of this stage could be: Getting into another relationship too quickly, getting married in Vegas to a stripper, starting a random business, hitting on the hottest girl at the bar, and attempting to literally jump onto a train. 

Moral of the story is guys suffer just as much as girls. And honestly, if we’re not good with our emotions this isn’t going to be easy for us. So when you see us out and pretending to be totally okay, know that on the inside we’re just sad upset, if not more, as you are.

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Most of us, even if unmarried have been in every stage of dating.

Flirting, Talking, Dating, Exclusive Dating, and Relationship. 

Most of us have probably been through breakups as well and if you haven’t you’re part of an elite group my friend. 

Everyone knows how awkward it can be when two people from the same friend group breakup. It’s like a real family going through a divorce. They talk about what friends can stay with the guy and what friends can stay with the girl. The friends act like children, planning out what days they can go to dads house and where they’ll spend holidays. Sometimes they even hide the fact that they are still spending time with the other “parent”!

It doesn’t have to be like that however. What if we as a generation knew how to date our friends without tearing our friend groups to pieces? What if we knew how to be… (dum dum dum) ADULTS!

Our friend groups would stay together.

There is an art to breaking up with someone. Normally you both know its about to end and so its somewhat expected. But even still, many times it ends in a huge fight, someone says some things they don’t mean, someone throws a fish bowl, and they go on their way to vent to their respective sides of the group. That fight acts as a knife, cutting the group in half.

You already know your friends

We’ve all had crushes on our friends before. The most prevalent scenario is a male best friend falls over time for his female best friend, he finally spills his guts hoping for her to reciprocate, and she says she see’s him as a brother. Now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes people just aren’t interested and thats not what I’m talking about. In this scenario the female is too afraid of losing her friend because all of her past relationships have failed. So, because of a fear of failure and a lack of confidence that the two could stay friends if a breakup occurred, they never even try. “Well Sandy, stop complaining about not finding a good man, you already friend zoned the one you knew wouldn’t hurt you.”

Most people want to marry their best-friend.

I am very aware that this is not all people, some see a very distinct line between friend and lover, which is okay! But for many out there, the thought of marrying their best-friend is the stuff of dreams. They don’t want to meet their spouse years down the road after they’ve experienced a huge portion of life, being forced to simply tell stories to their spouse. They want to make those stories with their spouse!

Sometimes things get messy.

There are moments in life that no matter how hard you try to keep things nice and neat, tornadoes show up. They have no regard for your attempts to friend date wisely. They don’t care if your friend group disperses. You can be the most mature, loving, pure-intentioned person in the world but sometimes fights still happen. 

So try and date your friends, I implore you. But be wise in doing so. Do your best to handle things in a mature manner that will allow your friend group to survive should your relationship not. However, never forget that sometimes you’ll still get a fish bowl thrown at your head. 

Many people wish that they had the determination to be a minimalist but few actually choose to head down that road. They watch a documentary or read a blog about how freeing it is to live a minimalistic life, get hyped up, and then decide that they could never live like those select few capable of doing so. These people might even get as far as selling a bunch of their clothes or getting a smaller more fuel efficient car. But in the end, they get overwhelmed with the difficulty of being like the famous minimalists and unfortunately give up. 

Hi, I’m Matthew, and that paragraph above is describing me. I watched a documentary about Minimalism, had a few too many discussions with my friends about it, and decided to jump on in.

By no means am I a true minimalist, I still have way too much stuff and am in the process of getting rid of a large portion of it. However, after getting rid of half the clothes in my closet, I realized that I am not cut out to play in the minimalistic big league. I am not able to get rid of everything I have and live on my own in a tiny house in the middle of nowhere. I can’t live completely off the grid without indoor plumbing or a car all while wearing only one pair of clothes. 

Good thing that those things don’t make you a minimalist huh?

According to the gods of Minimalism themselves the definition of the word goes something like this.

“What is minimalism? If we had to sum it up in a single sentence, we would say, Minimalism is a tool to rid yourself of life’s excess in favor of focusing on what’s important—so you can find happiness, fulfillment, and freedom.” -theminimalists.com

Make Space

To be a minimalist you simply need to have a desire to make space in your life, to slow it down, make time to smell the roses if you will, and act on it. That can be in whatever capacity makes you comfortable. You could go all the way and move your family into a tiny home, each with one pair of clothes and a wooden stick to play with. If that seems to extreme, you can just give some old clothes to Goodwill. Both options are equally valid, depending on your capacity for change.

Be Willing To Sacrifice.

I’m not sure if you have heard this saying before but it is one of my favorites and I try my best to live by it. Every yes you say is a no to every other option. Saying yes to any form of minimalism means saying no to the clutter of life. Saying yes to a more fuel efficient car means saying no to a giant truck. Saying yes to organic food means saying no to fast food, and so on. 

It’s Worth It.

At the end of the day, whatever you do to allow yourself more room to breathe, is beneficial to the soul. The less cluttered your life feels, the more energy you will have to pursue more important endeavors. Whether you realize it or not, your stuff draws energy out of you. Energy you could be using to work towards what everyone on planet earth is working towards. That one thing we all wish to posses, Contentment.

Do you ever think so much about something it feels like you might be on the brink of insanity?  Well, that's us. 

We're emotional people but when it comes to certain things we just shut down. We'll over think every word, every syllable, every pause until there's no more analyzing to do.

But let's be real, there's always more to do.

1. Our minds need to be stimulated before we drown in our thoughts.

We're not the type to sit in a cubicle all day calmly. Quiet moments like that are tolerable only for a few for us before our minds start running.

We need to do something distracting with our time so we have something in front of us to keep our minds busy. 

2. We feel to an extreme, there is no mediocrity.

We're the kind of friend who if someone mentions skydiving once we go out and buy a parachute to keep in our car, just in case.

There is no low-key for us, we get uber excited about anything that interests us. However, it is equally easy for us to be fed up with an idea. Once we don’t want to do something, it's not happening. Period.

3. Indecision will be the death of us.

We'll be in college for four years. Enrolled in four different schools and studied four different Majors. 

Life is too exciting to sit down and commit to only one life path.

4. Overthinking + us = zero chance at dating.

We basically break up with ourselves before we even ask a person for coffee. 

If we even get one bad vibe, we have already thought of every single outcome and have already psyched ourselves out. 

5. We get wrapped up in what's right in front of us.

It's so easy for us to get too into a Netflix series. It's like we can feel everything the characters are going through on another level.

We get lost in our own minds way too easily.  But the thing about us is when we love, we love with every ounce of our hearts. 

We'll love the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Matt,

I hope this letter finds you well. Today is your first day of high school and I just wanted to write to you and share a few of my own experiences that will hopefully make the next few years a little easier, productive, and pleasant. 

First of all I have attached all of the lottery numbers for the next eight years on the backside of this letter, please give them to mom. Also, use the money to invest in things like Netflix, Hulu, and Spotify, just trust me. 

Now, on to the imports things. 

You are in for a very interesting ride. Over the next few years you will experience love, hate, sadness, loss, joy, depression, and contentment. You will find happiness and you will find pain. You will do things that cause immense joy in others lives and you will do things that tear people apart. 

Later this year you will have the opportunity to lose your virginity, wait, it’s not worth the pain it causes. Keep it in your damn pants.

Be honest with your parents, don’t lie to them as often. I promise, they are more understanding then you think. 

Pay more attention to your friendships. These relationships you have with girls will fade and leave you more lonely then before. Do not neglect the amazing people around you who are wanting to be your friends.

If you ever have a close friend whose actions make you have to choose between them and your entire friend group, choose your friends. Turning your back on them can be a hard road to come back from.

Learn your boundaries soon. Do not allow people to walk all over you but always stay kind and loving, it’s your greatest gift.

You will never stop hanging out at the Daily Grind, make yourself at home. 

Practice your music everyday. You only fall more in love with it as the years go on. 

One day your two closest friends will also be named Matt. Yes it does get as confusing as you think. 

Did I say already to keep it in your pants? Cool, just checking.

Be more diligent with your money, save whenever you can and don’t buy useless crap. 

Don’t you dare ever bully a single person, you know how it feels, don’t put that on someone else.

Don’t gauge your ears, they don’t grow back like everyone says.

Finally, love people radically. Love everyone you meet. Love your teacher in math class. Love that weird kid in band. Love the kid that calls you fat. Love the homeless man on the street. Love your parents. Love all. 

I want to leave you with this quote from a book you haven’t read yet, because you think you hate reading. 

“I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.” -Henry David Thoreau

So Matt, as I leave you, listen to Henry and suck out all the marrow of life. 

Elegir La Vida,

Matthew

I can guarantee that you’ve met him. He’s the one who smiles at everyone at the coffee shop you stop by every morning. He’s two cubicles down from you at your office who always makes sure you've had lunch. He’s in your class at college and is always happy to share his notes. In actuality, he’s everywhere. 

He doesn’t have some bright red t-shirt to find him in a crowd, nor does he have some extreme personality that sets off alarms during the first conversation. He’s quite normal really, he just looks at life a little differently. 

He's the nice guy.

Maybe it's because he's creative. Most men who are into something creative like art or music are more sensitive and tuned into their emotions. Or maybe it's because he's a “dreamer.” He spends most of his time dreaming of how to make things better. Maybe he read a few too many fairytales growing up, and always wanted to be a gorgeous girl's Prince Charming. 

He wants to treat the right girl like a princess.

Unfortunately, the stigma of “nice guys finish last” is true in many areas of life. It’s true, most girls go for the more mysterious guys and the “bad boys.” They're edgy, cool, and don't care about anything. But it all comes crashing down when she realizes that includes her.

So why do nice guys finish last? 

It's not the kind compassionate side of the nice guy that turns people off. It’s the lack of confidence and the fear of rejection that comes from his hopeless romanticism. This is not simply in the realm of relationships, it’s in every area of life. 

He just cares too much, and that makes him get lost in the crowd.

Despite all of this, it’s a gift. But like any gift, if you don’t know how to use is correctly it becomes useless. A nice guy without confidence is the equivalent to a doormat, serving a purpose for someone but always being walked on and never lifted up and given the love he needs.

So continue to be the nice guy, but do so with confidence. Continue to hold the door open for women, buy her flowers, help old people cross the street, and spread whatever kindness you feel compelled to. But just make sure you remember to be assertive and tell people how it is. 

When nice guys find their confidence, they can do anything.

With all of the technological progression over the last few decades it isn’t surprising that the gap between generations seems to be bigger than ever. For the Millennial generation, Razor phones, Nintendo 64, and MTV music videos were their childhood in a nutshell. Even though it feels like yesterday, the 90’s were 20 years ago and a new generation is coming into high school with their own set of normalities. Here is a list of 10 things Generation Z Will never understand.

#1 Blowing on the cartridge when the game stopped working.

Anyone who ever owned a Nintendo 64 knows exactly what I’m talking about. You’d be in the middle of playing Mario and boom your screen would freeze. Even though they have now debunked the myth of this solving anything it is safe to say that kids won’t be facing this dilemma with their consoles any time soon.

#2 Owning a Motorola Razr.

This phone was the first “thin” cell phone to hit the market and as a millennial child it seemed as though everyone had one of these at one point or another. Gen Z wasn’t missing out on much with this one, just some nostalgia for you.

#3 When MTV Actually Played Music Videos.

I remember when I was little, sneaking into the living room at night to watch the newest music videos play on MTV. I guess this also doesn’t matter to the Gen Zers seeing as every music video imaginable can be found on youtube.

#4 Silly Putty

Every Millennial knows the struggle of spending hours picking the pieces of hair out of their silly putty. Or better yet, picking the silly putty out of their siblings hair at the request of mother dearest.

#5 Passing Notes

This isn’t really a Millennial thing, but it’s definitely not a part of Gen Z. I mean really, who needs to pass a note when you have iMessage?

#6 Programmed TV

Oh the struggle of only having one chance during the week to watch your favorite show. Gen Z will never have to live without dvr and will probably never know what a TV guide looks like.

#7 Rock paper Scissors

This would settle even the harshest of arguments. 

#8 Black and White Gameboy

Luckily Gen Z will never have to know what its like to only have one game for your gameboy, and its donkey kong, in black and white. I’m not bitter. 

#9 The game of M.A.S.H.

The millennial version of arranged marriages. Seriously, what do kids do in study hall now? Angry Birds?

#10 Dial-up

I guarantee when you read that the sound of the dial tones flooded back into your mind. This was a sound millennial’s had to get used top if they wanted to go online. It would take about 5 minutes just to go on myspace and if you needed to call someone while online, not in your dreams.

I graduated High School in 2013 and like every other Senior, spent most of my final year planning for college. Between applying to different schools and researching degree programs I was convinced I would fall into line with the majority of my graduating class. Go to college, get a degree, and get a job. This seems to be the formula most go by in my generation. But come September, I was not enrolled in school. I chose to take a semester off in between High School and College, working a full-time job as well as taking on an internship at a music studio. 

Then, come January I was enrolled in my first semester of College at KSU, a local university. Unfortunately, between all of my other responsibilities, I quickly placed my schooling in last place and focused on “more important things”. This led to me failing every single class that semester, which is at this point, my only regret when it comes to school, only because I wasted my parents money. The next semester quickly became another one taken off due to my growing disdain for organized education and my increasing wanderlust spirit. I began to plan excursions in my mind. I would be sitting at work imagining that I was traveling to distant countries, learning languages I had never heard of, and learning about what really made people tick. Not from some teacher, but from real individuals. Then, as though it was a God-send(I believe it was) a chain of events burst down the front door of my life and invited me outside. Next thing I knew I was on a plane to Australia, planning on studying songwriting for a year at a fairly well-known worship school. But what I learned was so much more than songwriting. I learned about life, the world, and people more than I had in my entire life. While there I traveled to New Zealand for a week, experiencing the city of Auckland with a few friends and a heard of Englishmen. I learned that week what other countries thought about America, and it surprised me. They don’t hate us, they don’t love us, they just see us as another country in a world of hundreds. Which made me wonder if I should review my worldview. That entire year made me do that, and it was wonderful. 

During 2016 I traveled across the U.S./Canada with some friends while taking online classes. I saw parts of the country I had never known about and met people in the strangest of ways. Some of which included hippies, hitch-hikers, and cyclists. Once again, this time was spent on self-reflection and the doctoring of my worldview, things that would have never happened had I gone the traditional route. 

Finally, I welcome you to 2017 where I am still an online student. However, that is not all that I am. I am an Artist manager, a musician/songwriter, and a business owner. 

So, four years later, I am still a freshman in college. But complain is the last thing I’ll do. While I may be behind in the world’s eyes, I have things going for me that others in my demographic who did take the traditional route dream of at night. I have been to multiple foreign countries, driven about 9,000 miles around the U.S., lived out of tent on the edge of a cliff, high-fived in both hemispheres at once, slept on the side of a volcano, and can say that I have friends in about a hundred different countries around the globe. My life is not something that works for everyone, I will be self-sufficient later on in life than my piers who took the traditional route. They will probably have higher salaries than me at first and will probably start families sooner. You see, every yes that you say means a no somewhere else in your life. You can’t have everything, but you can find joy in the road you chose. After all I have experienced I cannot imagine trading it all for a piece of paper to hang on my wall. I wouldn’t trade my life so far for the world. I am a fourth year freshman and I am proud of the life I’ve led. I would be a tenth year freshman if only my experiences mirror those of the last four years.

Elegir La Vida

I’m a runner. I always have been. 

When I was a child I was the type who would stay home from school to avoid bullies. The kind who would much rather cry in silence then confront his adversaries. I have never been the type to face my fears by choice. 

When I got a little older, I began to run in a more metaphorical sort of way.

Bad week at school? 

Fight with the parents? 

Got dumped? 

Lets smoke or lets drink would be my solution. Which seemed to work as long as I stayed faded. But you don’t have to be an addict or an alcoholic to know that substances cannot solve anything, only prolong and worsen the issue. 

Then, around age 19 something shifted. I began to disdain myself for the things I had done and the people I had hurt in my attempts to run. This shift not only caused a radical change in how I felt towards myself but it also changed what I was running from. No longer was I running away from drama or conflict, but from intimacy. I felt as though I, at my current state, was not worthy to share a relationship with another person. My inner voice started to say things like, “all you’re good for is a meaningless hookup, you think this girl wants the real you? That you is disgusting.” Unfortunately, I gave into that voice for a long time and that was a horrid mistake. It took me years, hours venting to my inner circle, a move across the world, and even some therapy to realize all of this. 

And now I am running in a different direction. I’m running towards my issues, so that I can fix them, once and for all. No longer medicating on a metaphorical marathon in the wrong direction but soberly fighting a duel with myself long overdue. 

So, if you are like me, a runner, then take a moment right now and stop. Turn around and start running back the other way, because the further you run in the wrong direction the further you are from a solution.

Elegir La Vida