After Losing Someone, I Had To Learn How To Live Again

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been the happy girl. There has rarely ever been a day when I didn’t try to make someone else happy or spread a little joy around.

But when my world completely shattered, that girl just didn’t exist anymore.

I had dealt with tough situations before so I thought I knew what I was up against when I lost my Dad. But nothing could have ever prepared me for how much of myself I would lose.

Once the funeral was over and my family left, I waited for things to go back to normal and for the hole in my heart to heal. But it didn’t.

Instead I was a completely different person. The happiness I had felt before didn’t come back, and I was more miserable than I had ever been before. 

Somehow I still put a smile on my face anyway, even though it wasn’t a genuine one. What that was a mask that I learned how to wear extremely well.

And soon, that mask became my best friend.

I wore it whenever I was out because I was only half there. I wanted to laugh and smile when I was with a huge group of people but I just didn’t have it in me. It felt like I had become a shell of the person I used to be and it wasn’t getting any better.

Instead of seeing my friends I holed myself up in my apartment. I didn’t feel like going out on the weekends so I didn’t. And even eating became difficult because I was never hungry.

Every morning I didn’t feel like getting out of bed so I stayed under the covers for hours. And I never used to cry, but now that was my new normal.

At any given moment I felt like I would burst into tears and not the pretty kind. Instead, it was gut wrenching sobs I buried into my pillows so my neighbors wouldn’t hear me along with full body tremors that left me feeling weak and delirious afterwards.

And what bothered me the most was I couldn’t do anything about it.

I remembered what it was like to be happy, I knew how to do it, but I just didn’t feel like it. I had no energy to pull myself out of this funk I was in so I stayed miserable. And I knew I should be talking about what I was going through too but I didn’t want to bother anyone so I stayed quiet.

And by doing that, I forgot how to live.

Then one day I had had just about enough of being depressed, angry and emotional all the time. I missed the feeling of being alive and I realized the only person holding me back from that was me.

I had to take a step back to see that I would never be the same person I was before I lost my Dad, and that was okay.

Losing someone changes you in so many ways that there is no way you can get back to your old normal. But you can pick yourself up and begin again.

And once I realized that, everything changed.

Once I stopped trying to make myself be my old self again I learned how to live with who I am now. 

Bit by bit, I started really laughing again instead of faking it. I started wanting to do things again instead of staying in bed. And I found things that made me happy again.

It didn’t happen over night, but now I don’t feel like breaking down at any given moment. 

I still have times where missing my Dad completely breaks me but it’s not consuming me anymore.

Instead I’ve learned that you can live with the sadness as long as you remember to live too.

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To the Guy Who Showed Me What I Wasn't Looking For

I’ve met a lot of people in my life so I know when I’ve met someone I like. And I liked you from the very beginning. But then you showed your true colors and it all went downhill.

You taught me something very important though. Once we were done, I realized I don’t want a scrawny boy who’s scared of his own shadow, I want someone who knows who they are and isn’t afraid to be vulnerable. And on top of that, they shouldn’t ever be afraid to talk to me about anything, unlike you.

When I cared about you, you ran away. When I tried to help, you didn’t want it. And when I tried talking to you, you ignored me.

I’ve been with people since you and now I know that that’s not how this works at all. Sometimes this love game is hell on earth but the real thing is not even close to whatever we had.

And looking back now, I don’t even know what we had. I don’t even know what started it either but I know I never ever want it again.

I never want to feel as confused as I was when I was around you. You were like a cement wall I couldn’t break down even though I tried, but that didn’t work. And as much as I wanted it to, it took me too long to realize you weren’t worth it.

When I first met you, I thought you were. You were funny, you were kind, and you paid attention to me. It didn’t last very long and I thought I could bring it back.

But after trying to, I learned that that’s not how it goes. You shouldn’t have to bring feelings back, they should stay when they’re real. It’s not always easy and you may have to fight for it, but the real thing is worth it and you just weren’t.

You weren’t ready for what I was. I was looking to take care of someone, be someone’s partner in crime, and most of all, someone’s best friend. What you wanted was just a quick thing. You didn’t have the time for me I thought you did because when I fit you in, you weren’t interested.

And it hurt back then but not actually having something happen with you was one of the best things that could’ve happened. If we had had something, it would’ve been awful, depressing, and totally one-sided since that’s how selfish you were.

You didn’t care about me and probably would’ve put me through a lot more heartache than I was ready for.

What’s funny now is that I’ve found everything I was looking for in someone else. Where you didn’t talk to me, he tells me everything. Where you ran away, he stayed. And when you didn’t make time for me, he actually wants to see me.

He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a person, and he’s everything you’re not. So thank you for treating me like I didn’t deserve to be because I found what I was looking for, and it definitely wasn’t you.

We're Allowed to Have Our Batshit Crazy Girlfriend Moments

I’m not really sure where it came from, but there’s something out there in the universe that’s made girls believe they can’t be a little nuts when they’re dating someone. It’s like if they ever let the crazy out, the guy will high tale it outta there!

But as much as all of us try, there’re just some moments that require us to be the batshit crazy girlfriend.

You know when those moments are. Your boyfriend isn’t texting you back. He doesn’t understand your problems. Or, God forbid, he forgot an anniversary.

And most guys try so hard to please their girlfriends which we all love! But when something’s wrong, we’re allowed to get a little pissed off.

We know our emotions are all over the place sometimes. We can’t help it and we don’t like it when it happens, but it does. And the only way to get through it is to ride out the freak outs, as ugly as they may be.

Acting like a crazy person isn’t pretty but it’s the only way we know how to get your attention when they’re not listening. We really want you to understand us too, so while we’re freaking out, please try and hear what we’re saying, especially if something’s bothering us.

Healthy relationships mean you can share anything and everything. Being sad or pissed off won’t change that. Emotions are actually pretty good things and should be expressed when they need to be.

But even people in happy relationships have their moments.

At some everyone goes a little nuts. And this isn’t a sign of weakness either. It’s a good thing to let everything out!

So many of us are afraid of being the “needy” girl because we ask for something or show any sign of emotion. There’s a huge difference between being needy and asking for what you need though. And if we want to make our relationships work, the crazy moments should actually be a thing more often.

That’s because if you’re with someone, it doesn’t do anyone any good to bottle feelings up. The only thing that’ll happen when you do is you’ll have two very confused and hurt people who don’t know what the other wants.

And for some reason, girls are told to stay quiet about their feelings because guys can’t handle them. This couldn’t be a bigger lie though.

If you’re with a guy who truly cares about you, he wants to know if something’s up because he wants to take care of you.

He’ll understand when you need to take a minute and scream. He won’t care when you get emotional. And he definitely won’t mind if you tell him what’s bugging you.

And if he doesn’t get it, he’s not worth your time anyway.

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This Is How You Love Someone Who's Grieving

“Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back” Mitch Albom

You’re the person who’s there. 

Having someone by your side is always a comforting feeling, but you know walking through grieving with them means everything. Watching them deal with it is difficult because they’re just not the same person they were before. The hole they have in their heart now is visible, and trying to figure out who they are now is their new reality.

But being their rock makes all the difference. When they need you the most, you’re there and it’s the most comfortable feeling in the world. They don’t even need to ask you either, you just show up because you care.

Letting them get emotional is part of it.

You don’t care how not pretty grieving is, even the strongest people will have their days where they feel like they want to crawl into bed and cry all day. Letting those emotions out may seem like a sign of weakness, but to you it’s a release you know needs to happen.

You let your person let go of every feeling they have. You’re there while they cry their eyes out until they can’t move a muscle. Or you know instinctively when they’ve had a rough day and you give them the biggest hug you can when you see them.

And you never question any of it. You never tell them it’s time to pick up the pieces or get back to living. You know that it will take some time for them to get back to their normal selves, and even then, they won’t be truly normal. A piece of them is missing and it may never come back.

So you do the little things they never would notice otherwise.

You could ask to watch your television show, but you’ll let them keep watching theirs for tonight. And you know their favorite type of music and stations, so you switch it immediately when you’re in the car. They may not notice, and you really don’t care if they do, but it’s your way of showing you care. They have enough to worry about right now and this is the least you can do.

And you don’t make them talk if they don’t want to.

You know they will come around when they want to. There’s no need to force the conversations or constantly ask how they’re doing. You know them well enough to know that when they’re ready they’ll let you know.

It’s hard to let them walk this road by themselves, but there’s not much you can do. You have to let them walk a little bit by themselves while you patiently wait behind them so you can pick them up when they need you.

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We Don't Have to Share Our World With the World

If you look on Instagram right now, one of the most popular hashtags is #relationshipgoals. Sappy pictures of cute couples are all over the place just to get a few likes, as if that’s what makes a relationship. Thank goodness you and I don’t need all that to prove we’re real though.

We’re not an Instagram couple, we don’t post cute things on each other’s walls, and we haven’t hearted each other on Snapchat. You and I don’t need to share things with the world to know we’re together because we know we are, and we really don’t want anyone else’s opinion about it.

People can try and judge us by our pictures and posts but they really wouldn’t know us. They wouldn’t know the inside jokes we have, the topics we’ve talked about, or what we’ve gone through together. All those things are what make us us and can’t exactly be captured on any social media.

What we have isn’t just about what we post about. It’s the crazy adventures we take, the games we’ve gone to, and the friends we hang out with. We live in the real world where we like making real memories that don’t need to be shared because they’ll be sweeter than the likes.

And I love the fact that you and I get out and do things instead of sit around and stalk each other on Facebook.  That’s not living, and it would be so incredibly boring if that was the only thing we had in common.

That’s why our world exists anyway. We have so many things in common that we’ve built our own little space out of it. It’s like our safe haven, and it’s okay that we keep it that way.

We share things with people but we don’t do it to show off. We do it because we know it would make them happy instead of just ourselves.

The attention from our friends and family is nice ever once and awhile, but it’s not what we live for. We’d rather make each other happy doing things we get excited about.

And we know what really matters is what we’re thinking, feeling, and doing with each other. Basically the things that are important to us are what you can’t see on Facebook, Snapchat, or Instagram.

We don’t need to be a #realtionshipgoals couple, we just need to be the best person we can for each other. And if we can do that, then that’s better than any sappy post we could ever write.

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I Shouldn't Give You a Second Chance, But I Am

I’m that girl who sees the glass half full. Usually nothing bothers me unless you screw me over.

Once you do that, you’re done.

That’s why this second chance is such a big deal for me. I always try to trust people but it’s hard for me to do sometimes.

And I did trust you, but you kind of broke that. 

At first I wasn’t even sure if I should give you another chance because I’m afraid of getting hurt all over again. The first time was bad enough so you really need to understand why I don’t know if I want to do this again.

I think what changed my mind is knowing you really want to fix things though.

I’ve been through a lot and it’s extremely hard for me to tell people about it. You would never be able to tell either, I’ve learned pretty well how to keep things in. You could basically look at me and not be able to tell that anything was wrong.

But there’s something about you that makes me want to spill my guts. That actually scares me a little bit because I’m so afraid that if this doesn’t work out, again, I’ll be hurt even more than the first time. I’m willing to take that chance though.

I’m willing to do a “do-over” with you, but only if we do this the right way. That means that you’ll see a new side of me, maybe even a happier one. And that’s not just because I’m actually happier in general, it’s really because you make me happy.

Even after all the crap we’ve put each other through I can still say that. Like even when I’m having the worst day, talking to you about it makes me feel so much better.

And there really aren’t that many people who can do that for me either. That’s almost what scares me most is how easily you’ve changed me. We’ve done a lot wrong but I want to see what we can actually do the right way.

That’s really what this second chance is all about. I’m kind of looking at this as a clean slate, like some of the things we did still exist and the others just don’t anymore. We could focus on the bad things but I’d rather start all over again.

I’m not ready to fully trust you again, but I’m ready to see how things go. Just be patient with me and go slowly this time.

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I Kinda Love You

From the first day we started talking, I thought this might be different. I’ve never talked to anyone the way I talked to you.

And since day one I’ve felt like I’ve known you forever even though we haven’t.

That’s the funny thing. Beginnings are always kinda awkward, but ours wasn’t. We never felt uncomfortable being around each other or ran out of things to say. That’s not really a bad thing either since you’ve slowly become the person who I want to tell everything to.

I have a hard time completely opening up to people I’ve just met. It literally takes me forever to get to close to someone, even friends I’ve known for a long time But you made this process as simple as it could be.

That’s why I kinda love you.

I’m not ready to say those three little words yet, but I feel like I will soon. Before I say them though, I want to be sure I mean them first. And if we keep doing what we’re doing, I’ll get there.

There’s already been too much for me to turn back now anyway. I can already feel our connection even when we’re not together. I know that sounds absolutely crazy, and it is, but I can’t pretend it’s not there.

Maybe I’m feeling like this because of how fast we’ve moved. We’ve moved at the speed of light which usually isn’t my style. Most of the time I actually take forever and a day with this stuff.

Not with you though.

And as nuts as it’s been, I’m almost glad we didn’t give ourselves room to think about how quick we were moving. I think if we had, we both would have scared ourselves so much we would’ve jumped off this crazy train we’re on.

I don’t want to do that though. I want to stay right here and figure out why I’ve got such strong feelings for you. If I don’t, then I’ll be left thinking about it for the rest of my life and that’s something I definitely don’t want to happen!

Or maybe these emotions from me finding someone who finally gets me. Everyone wants that but it’s so incredibly hard to find. That’s why I really don’t know how I got so lucky with you.

In such a short amount of time you’ve been able to memorize me like a book. It’s like you can look at me and know what I’m thinking which I have to say isn’t easy. And the other crazy part is we’re so eerily similar!

We have the same sense of humor, same weird fears, even same favorite ice cream flavor. I’m sorry but that’s just weird! No wonder I look at you sometimes and think you just might be my other half.

That’s so cliché and cheesy, but I mean it. There’ve been moments where you’re inside of my head and you know what I’m thinking or I can totally tell what’s on your mind.

And there are so many incredible things about you too. I won’t list them all, but know that I’m not falling for the superficial things. I’m falling for the person that you are.

I’m not sure how to describe my feelings right now but something is telling me not to be scared of them or of us. I don’t think I would have these feelings if they weren’t supposed to mean something.

So for now, I’m past just liking you but not quite at the three significant words yet.  I do kinda love you though.

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I Mean It's the End of an Era

Wasn’t it just yesterday that you and I were talking about boys and how badly we wanted our first kisses? That seems like forever ago! We definitely got our first kisses (and a few other firsts), and this is just another one.

I know, neither one of us likes to admit how different it is having another member to our special club. Especially since he’s a guy. A fantastic guy, but still a guy.

We used to hate guys. And maybe we still do. We each had our fair share who broke our hearts and sent us into spiraling binge watching sessions and eating way too much pizza.

And we were each other’s partners in crime through all of it.

Now we don’t really have time for all the sleepovers we used to have or hours long phone calls. And it’s okay. It really is.

It kinda hurt in the beginning, but that was only because I was jealous you found someone. Plus, he had to pass my test which isn’t easy. I mean, I take my job seriously as your best friend.

No guy gets to you without going through me!

But this, one? Yeah, he’s okay. I’m not going to give him any high praises yet because he has a ways to go but I can put up with him. That is as long as he follows my rules.

And those are pretty simple. All he has to do is promise to treat you the way you should be treated which is like the beautiful person you are. I see that in you all the time and I hope he can to.

You’ve been one of my best friends for so long. All of my crazy memories are with you, you’re literally my ride or die.

And we’ve been through the ringer once or twice too. I don’t know how we did it but we’re still here! After all of that, you’re still one of the most important people in my life.

The thing is though, you will never lose me. Guys may come and go through our lives but I’ll always be here. And just because you have someone now and I don’t doesn’t mean we’re going to never see each other again.

We’ve been through too much to let that happen!

I know that you’ll have your date nights now so I won’t get to see as much of you during the week. He’ll also PROBABLY get priority for doing things with you too. But I’m okay with that since I know I’ll hear about it all later anyway when you call me and fill me in.

And I promise not to be too jealous, but you know me. I’ll probably get there. That’s only because I miss you though, not because I hate him.

If he makes you happy, there’s no way in hell I could ever hate him.

And that’s the only thing I want as your best friend too. You of all people deserve to be happy missy!

This whole having a guy in your life thing has thrown me off, but I’m so glad that you actually found one of the good ones! I really think you have something here, and I promise I’ll be by your side (or on the end of the phone) through all of it.

We’ll still have our wine and movie nights, our long conversations about our escapades, and eat WAY too much junk food. Little things will change but we won’t, we’re basically stuck with each other for the rest of our lives and no guy will ever change that!

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It's Not a "Netflix and Chill" Night Until These 7 Steps

At it’s most basic, the concept behind a Netflix and Chill night is pretty simple: rather than having to get dressed up and go out, you and your (boyfriend, girlfriend, fuck buddy, whatever), simply stay in, lounge out on the couch, and watch a movie. In reality, though, it’s really more of a metaphor for staying in and hooking up – Netflix is probably way less important than a pack of condoms (re-engineered or not).

That doesn’t mean that you’re simply going to jump each other's bones the second you’re alone and the lights are out. You still need to of through the motions, as part of the popularity of the Netflix and Chill night is setting the right mood. Which means you’ll need to be prepared:

1. Pick a Movie to Set the Mood

Before he or she comes over, pick a movie that will set the mood. Sappy rom-coms are fine, maybe even a horror movie – whatever will get you cuddled up and close. But make the selection in advance, rather than doing it together and risk them making a bad choice – the last thing you want is to find out that your partner gets aroused by watching The Human Centipede Part 2

2. Put Condoms by the Couch

If the movie is going to be watched in a living room, make sure you have a few condoms by the couch, so as one things eventually leads to another, you don’t have to ruin the mood by getting up, going to the bedroom and rummaging through your nightstand draws at the worst possible time. Keep an opened box of LELO HEX™, the condom that just set the internet on fire last week, somewhere within arms reach of where you’ll be on the couch, so you keep the excitement going.

3. Get Alcohol

Any adult beverage is fair game for a night in, with wine being the most popular choice among the Netflix and chill crowd. Just make sure to pace yourself – dimmed light, a comfy couch, massage oil (see tips for perfect partner massage technique), big fluffy blankets…you don’t want to fall asleep before the real fun begins. Make sure you’ve prepared the second thing we mentioned and then you can relax with your drink of choice, cause afterwards your mind fizzles.

4. Order Food to Be Delivered

Dinner in is a must, but don’t go to the trouble of cooking – this is supposed to be a relaxing night. Order in.

5. Put Condoms by the Bed

Long after you’ve hit the pause button on the movie and have gotten busy on the couch, you’ll likely move to the bedroom for round two. You’re not going to want to race back to the living room for protection – keep another opened box of these condoms that don’t slip, don’t break and don’t reduce pleasure near the bed as well. It looks cool (never thought we'd say that about condoms, to be honest). Because safe sex is something you don’t compromise with.

6. Come Up With a Great Excuse to Get Rid of Them

Once the sex is over and you’re satisfied, you may not really want the other person to hang around much longer (especially if he or she is just a fuck buddy). So make sure you have a great excuse ready – an early tennis, your roommate’s coming back any second – it really doesn’t what you come up with, just as long as they get out, fast.

7. Have a Pint of Ice Cream and the Rest of the Wine.

You’ve had your orgasm(s), he or she is long gone, and you’ve got the place to yourself – time to grab a pint of ice cream, pour yourself another glass of wine, camp back out on the couch and actually enjoy the rest of the movie you started watching.

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You're My Escape From Reality

In this crazy world there aren’t many ways that help me get out of my head. I need it every once and awhile but it’s not easy. There’s so much going on at all hours of the day I can barely shut my mind off for a second.

When I’m with you though, it all falls away.

That sounds like I’m putting you up on a pedestal but I’m not. The fact is when I’m with you, it’s so incredibly easy to forget about whatever is going on and just relax. You help me focus on the important things and not think about the rest.

Even when I freak out, you calm me down like no one else can. You talk me through things and you’re always there when I need you. And the funny thing is you act like that’s nothing when it’s actually everything!

That’s because like too many people I think too much. I always over-think and make up scenarios in my head and for some reason, I believe they’re true. Once that happens, I can literally drive myself crazy.

I’ll be the first to admit when that happens it’s not exactly pretty. I don’t let the crazy out too much because of that, but every once and awhile, it just has to happen. And unlike so many other people, you actually get that.

You’ve done a pretty damn good job about understanding me in general too. You’ve done so well actually that when I’m with you, I’m not afraid to be the goofball I don’t show many people. And I’m definitely not afraid to be myself around you either which can be pretty hard for me sometimes.

On the inside I know I can be pretty frickin’ complicated but I’m really a no frills girl. The only thing I really want is your time and you’ve given me that over and over again. And every time, it’s like an escape from reality in the best way possible.

That’s the best thing about us. We can do absolutely nothing and it’s enough for me. We can just chill at home and watch movies all day and that’s okay. I don’t need fancy dinner dates or a night on the town, I just need you.

That’s it, just you. You’re enough because you help me be the best version of myself. No wonder I never want you to leave! And as soon as you do, it’s like I snap back to the real world which is always a rude wakeup call.

I really wish we could stay in the little spaces we’ve created where we can talk and laugh about anything. We actually have lives though so we can never stay there too long. Maybe some day we will, but it can’t be right now.

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