Author: Melanie Ly

When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but you have to stay strong. No one should have the ability to make you feel inferior. 

You will never know what people's’ intentions are. All you can do is take a leap of faith and hope for the best. 

I was in a relationship where I was not being treated fairly, where I was giving more love than I was receiving. It took me so long to realize that there is a difference between someone telling you they love you and them actually loving you. 

I’m the type of girl who chooses to always see the good in people, but I always get hurt in the end. I feel like that’s a mistake on my part because I never learn. I want to be hopeful and believe there is good in everyone. 

I was putting in so much effort in a relationship that really didn’t have a chance, but I wanted it to.  I’ve already spent so much of my time on him, I didn’t want it to go to waste. I wanted him but I also wanted to get over him, and neither was happening. 

My friends called it me being hopeful, but was it really? Was I just too stubborn to let go of something that I wanted so badly? 

Thing started to change and we started talking less and less. He became distant, and I started chasing him. He didn’t care and here I am wondering where things went wrong. 

I found myself missing him so much but it never seem like he missed me, and I guess because of it I stopped missing him. 

Just because I love him, doesn’t give him the right to hurt me. It hurts me because I feel like I tried so hard for us, but he didn’t try at all. Sometimes the best way to be happy is to let go of things you tried so hard to hold onto that are no longer good for you. 

Life goes to shit sometimes and it doesn’t matter what you’ve done. Shit happens, people leave. 

What I’ve learned is that him not being able to love you the right way has nothing to do with you. Yet when it ends, let it end. Don’t break your own heart for someone who isn’t doing the same for you. 

It’s not worth it. Any guy that comes around that doesn’t treat you like the princess you are deserves no part of you. You will one day experience joy as intense as this pain.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it’s going to launch you into something great. So stay focus, and keep aiming. 

I’ve always heard the saying there’s ‘good’ in ‘goodbye,’ but I never really believed it until it happened with you.

Because the thing is, there was a point in time where I genuinely thought I couldn’t live without you. 

Don’t think this just happened over night though, because your goodbye hurt me more than you could even imagine.  No one will ever know how much I cried that night. 

It left me feeling empty and lost. 

It felt like a crucial part of my life was just ripped from me. You were the one person I thought I knew better than anyone else, who I thought knew me better than anyone else.

We learned the details from the first thing we could remember as kids, to dreams of anything and everything we could want in the future. 

Unconditionally, we were there listening to every detail on an everyday basis, always wanting to know more. It felt like we never ran out of things to talk about. 

I’ve never experience emotions as deep as I did for him. I was head over heels for this boy. It’s hard to explain what we had, and honestly I don’t want to. It’s something that I would want to keep for myself because when you feel it, you’ll know. 

But all good things must come to an end, unfortunately for me. All the hours of talking on the phone and facetiming, through every promise, every laugh, every cry was gone with just a text. 

“Baby girl. You are everything that I could ever ask for in a girl. You’re so unbelievably perfect that it fucking kills me that I have to do this… I’m getting on a plane in the morning to go to California for the summer and it’s for that reason that I’m letting you go. You deserve a guy that won’t be busy to talk to you and give you what you need. With you it’s different, I have never felt this way about a girl ever. My feelings for you are so deep. I’ve been unfair to you and for that I am sorry. I can’t ask you to wait for me… I can’t be selfish. I don’t want you to go a day not thinking you have made me the happiest guy on earth and I’ve truly been blessed to have gotten the chance to know you. You’re corny, outgoing, smart, funny, absolutely beautiful. I’m so sorry and hopefully, you’ll understand. Trust me my heart is broken too. Forever in my heart baby girl.” 

Imagine thinking you’ve found this person you’ll spend forever with, all come to an end with a stupid text. Talk about heartbreaking. My heart dropped to the floor as a teardrop ran down my face. 

I didn’t understand at first. Why was he doing this to us, to me? But day by day I’m starting to realize that maybe this is going to be a good thing.

Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. 

Say what you want but I’m a firm believer that if two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.

Who knows maybe it was a case of bad timing on both of our parts. 

I can’t say that I don’t want us to still be together, I wish we were still together. 

But now that I’ve had time to think about it I’m slowly starting to understand. Some days are going to be harder than others. However, being apart gave us time to find who we are outside of what we had. 

Being apart made me realize I don’t need you. I really don’t. But that hasn’t stopped me from wanting you.

So how can I move on from this? The answer? It’s time. It’s letting go of your things. It’s deleting your number so I don’t drunk text you or even sober text you. It’s not allowing myself to be the one to beg for you back. 

I am so much stronger than you think I am. 

It’s not worth holding on to someone who doesn’t want to hold onto me. 

It’s time to say goodbye.

“Goodbyes are not forever, are not the end; it simply means I’ll miss you until we meet again.” 

On September 15, 2016, I lost my grandma. I remember hearing the news like it was yesterday. I got a text from my parents asking me to call them when I was done with all of my classes, I didn’t know what to expect. So there I was, sitting outside of my room not ready for what I was going to hear. 

“Grandma died in her sleep last night.”

In that moment right there, my heart actually shattered. I feel to the floor sobbing. I felt a pain throughout my whole body that I wouldn’t want to wish on anyone. 

 I’ve never experienced a death of someone so close to my heart. She was the most loving, vibrant, most caring human being that unfortunately had leukemia. She fought a long and hard battle hiding away because she didn’t like what it did to her. I knew she was struggling, but she never showed it. She missed events like my graduation, and my birthday/grad party. I know it’s stupid, but she’s my grandma. I wanted to share these events with her.

In the past couple of months, I have learned that you can’t just “get over” the death of someone. Instead, you find a comfort in them passing. It comforts me to know that she isn’t suffering anymore. That she doesn’t have to spend weeks at a time at a hospital hooked up to machines and drips. 

I truly believe I’ve gained a guardian angel. My grandma was my best friend. I’ve never seen her mad, she was there from the very start. She watched me grow up for 18 years. She sneakily gave my siblings and I money way too often, but it was much appreciated. She’s one of the people who turned me into the person I am today and for her, I’m eternally grateful. She deserved more time. From time to time, I find myself crying about her. Thinking she should be here. 

I miss her so much. 

The loss of a loved one affects people in different ways. Everyone grieves a different way. I cried. Alot. I’m not afraid to admit that. I didn’t know how else to handle it. It’s okay to be sad. You’re sad because you lost someone who has had a huge impact on your life and the person you became.  

I feel she will always be by my side leading me through this crazy thing we call life. 

Until we meet again, love you forever. 

Her anxiety hits her out absolutely nowhere, and hard. When it comes, it overtakes her. 

Without warning it consumes her mind and sends her heart racing for what ends up being no reason at all. 

It makes her think crazy things like she unwanted, unloved, that she’s not good enough.

Because of her anxiety she feels powerless and small, and when it hits she doesn't even know what to do sometimes.  

So she stays frozen, hands clammy, breath shaky, legs jittering just praying that it’ll pass.  

It gets so bad sometimes that she’s stuck in bed, paralyzed by the fear that something is wrong, just staring at the ceiling doing everything she can to calm herself down. 

The thing is, she could be having a perfectly good day and it can all be washed away by this feeling of panic and doubt. It’s like she’s on pause while everything is still in motion. 

It’s a hard battle to fight on her own. 

She doesn’t want to, but she feels like a burden when it comes to telling people. She’s terrified that it’ll give them a reason to walk away or feel sorry for her. 

She doesn’t expect everyone to understand it, it’s a hard pill to swallow that her brain is making her feel this way when in reality everything is perfect fine. 

Honestly, she doesn’t fully understand it herself so she usually veers away from explaining it to anyone who doesn’t have it. 

But behind the strong front she tries to keep up, she’s begging you, please don’t push her away. Don’t be so unsure of what to say to her that you say nothing at all. Because being alone is the worst thing for her, especially in the middle of one of her attacks. 

Stay with her, hold her. Please know that knowing you’re there for her even if you don’t quite understand means more to her than you know. 

It can be the best of times. It can be the worst of time. Either way, there will never been a boring moment with your college roommate. You tell everything to each other and are together all of the time. So by the time the first year is over, you’ve pretty much crossed every friendship test there is. You aren’t afraid to say whatever is on your mind no matter how crazy or dumb it may be. Through every mental breakdown, friend & family problems, date nights, to an all around best friend. They’re with you through it all. If you are anything like my roommate and I, here are some commonly said things between us. Enjoy! 

1. What’s for dinner? (which if you were in my situation, usually became takeout)

2. Does this outfit look cute?

3. I’m taking a shower and I’m not taking my key. Are you still going to be here? 

4. Do I really need to go to class?

5. I’m taking a nap.

6. If I fail out of college, will you still love me?

7. Is it bad that I’ve laid in bed all day watching netflix?

8. I don’t know why I’m even taking this class. 

9. I was just with *insert name* in the elevator. (now either it was a good thing, or bad) 

10. Should I just give up on studying and take the L? 

11. We should get a *insert some animal* as a pet. The RA’s wouldn’t care. 

12. OMG, my order shipped!

13. I’m taking an L on this whole college thing, I give up.

14. Want to get your nails done with me?

15. When are we getting food?

16. How should I answer this text? 

17. Want to go on an adventure?

18. When will you be back? 

19. Want to take a walk to the trash room with me?

20. ROOMMATE GOALS! 

Your love hit me like a ton of bricks. 

But you leaving hit harder. It was complete hell, you left me completely broken. Nothing can compare to the whirlwind that was this relationship, from start to finish.

Except it never ended, not completely at least. There was no clean break, no neatly tied ends. 

You walked away, but you never went far. 

“I love you. I messed up. I need you.” Those are the words that kept me coming back every single time. It was a never ending cycle. 

I thought you changed, that you were ready to work on us. But every single time, you proved me wrong. 

I know I have to put an end to it, but when I think about it, given the choice between not having you in my life at all and letting you come and go as you please, I'll always choose the second. 

Because I don't want to be without you. And as much as it hurts to want all of someone who only wants a part of me, it's worth it.

It’s not as simple as 'give me your all or give me nothing,' because honestly, neither of those are valid options. You can't give me all of you and I don't want none of you. 

So here I am, settling for less, because less is better than nothing at all.

Letting go hurts like hell. And it's not a hurt that she feels for a day or two then she forgets it about. 

It's a hurt that stays with her for way longer than she'd ever admit. The kind that pops back up at the most unexpected times.

Because when she let go of you, she lost hope that one day you'd be able to get it right or one day you'd end up back together. 

She stopped wondering 'what if' and cut herself off from thinking about the past and reliving her favorite memories. 

She forced herself to realize you weren't meant to be together, no matter how badly she wanted to be. 

You couldn't give her the love she deserved so she had to walk away. And walking away sounds like an easy thing to do on paper, but in reality, it killed her.

Losing you hit her hard, it knocked the wind right out of her lungs.

She didn't want to leave you. She didn't want it to end this way. But she couldn't keep up with this rollercoaster of a relationship, sacrificing her own happiness for yours. 

You were hands-down the most important part of her life. She loved you with her entire being. But it wasn't reciprocated. It never was. And you knew that.

She just couldn't risk putting her heart on the line for someone so toxic and so selfish for another minute.

Just know, by letting you go, she forgave you, too.

She forgave you for not loving her back. For shattering her heart. For hurting her worse than any other human being ever has. 

And she also forgave herself for allowing you to make her feel so low, so meaningless. For holding on longer than she should've. For giving her fragile heart to someone who never deserved it. 

It's going to take some time, but she'll move on from this.

Of course, some days will be better than others, but one day she'll realize she's back on her feet, no thanks to you or anyone else. 

Because flowers grow back even after they’ve been stepped on and so will she.