I Thought You’d Be Different, Turns out You’re Just Like Every Other Guy

“So that’s it, we’re breaking up. Except we can’t break up because we’re nothing.” — Gilmore Girls

 

It’s been a while since you last looked me in the eyes. I kissed you goodbye in the morning as I had many times before with the notion that I’d see you later. I had no idea the pain that would ensue in the next month.

 

It’s funny to think back about how truly blindsided I was. 

 

To think about how oblivious I was to what you were capable of doing to me. I was already vulnerable from day one; smothered by another relationship that had torn my self-worth down and made me feel small and worthless. Then you came along and somehow made that all disappear.

 

Even though I wasn’t your number one priority, you gave me the time of day. Slowly, you made me feel like I did have a place in your life. Though we kept what was going on strictly between us, you brought me happiness and made me feel like maybe I was worth it….maybe I was capable of letting someone into my heart again.

 

Right Now, I'm a Crazy Mess Because of The Abuse He Put Me Through

My crazy was built through years of dysfunction.

I don’t like to use the word abuse to describe what I went through; it doesn’t feel fair to him because I believe abuse is intentional and he didn’t intend to abuse me.

I was the perfect victim. I was willing to change and be molded into whatever he wanted to see because I needed him to want me. I needed to be needed. 

There’s a pretty big fist mark on my bathroom door that reminds me of everything that could have gone wrong but somehow I was lucky.

His blind rage was passion filled. His love for me overwhelming and he saw red when it came to me. I was everything to him.

He would never dare lay a hand on me, but the worlds that came spiraling out of his mouth broke me in a way that will never fully heal like a broken bone would have.

I loved him but I was not able to dedicate my entire being to just being his.

A drink after a long day of work with a male coworker had to be disguised as a shopping excursion with a girlfriend because his jealousy was too much.

I walked on eggshells permanently. I was constantly fearful of setting him off by saying something jokingly that was taken too seriously.

I fought everyday to try to be perfect for someone that loved me so much but hated so many things about me that he always wanted to change; My body was never just right, my hair needed to be cut and I didn’t wear things that were sexy enough for his taste.

My every move was scrutinized and always included a snide comment.

Leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did; not because I needed him but because it forced me to find out who I really was without feeling as if my existence was just for another person. 

I am fumbling because for years I needed someone else’s approval for every decision and yes, some days I am a little impulsive. 

But when we joke that I’m crazy just remember that I was also abused and brainwashed. Much of the crazy is years of being held back from being a real carefree person and I am trying to find myself.

I've Got Endless Options, But I Still Choose You

In a hot second of swiping through Tinder, I can get a handful of matches. Tall guys with icy blue eyes that want nothing more than to just get a chance to weasel their way into my life aka my bed.

You probably don’t even realize how many people linger a little too long just talk to me for a few more seconds.

I watch guys look for a ring on my finger and then wait to see if I flirt back and when I wish them a friendly farewell, it ends.

I’m cute. I’m sweet. I’m a catch.

And it’s not just these randos who think they can sneak their way into my future. It’s people in my life who’ve been in my life for years but are always wishing I’d waver from my monogamous ways.

So now, for the first time in what feels like forever, I find myself single and yet, despite my endless options, I choose you.

I choose someone who is unavailable to me. I choose to spend my nights alone over being out and trying to move forward to find someone new.

I choose someone who only slightly picked me and now won't let me go but also cannot commit to being with me.

I spend my late nights texting you when you get a second away from your girlfriend that you did choose for the second time.

I fell in love with you. I knew it was going to be bad news but it happened and now every day I get to live with knowing that I didn’t fight.

Some part of me chose you knowing that it could be painful and it has been.

I somehow hold onto the hope that maybe it will be me. That dies a little more every day as time passes and you do not choose me.  

Its funny that you don't realize just how much one person can mean to you until the idea of them not being part of your life becomes a possibility. 

I need you to choose me now and please do it soon.

What Your Panera Order Really Says About You

If you say ‘Panera Bread,’ you don’t belong here. 

It’s Panera and it’s the home for all basic girls, aside from Starbucks and the Ugg store.

Chicken Cesar Salad

You’re predictable but in a good way. 

You are the reliable friend that everyone wants around. You don’t go out and do crazy things on the weekends. Your bra is definitely skin tone and your relationship with your parents can’t be beaten. 

You’re laid back, but never boring. You can have a good time doing just about anything… as long as there are snacks.  

Chicken Noodle Soup

Your life is basically falling apart at the seams but you are trying to hold it together by faking it through each day. 

You cry in your car when sad songs come on, you can’t watch an NSPCA commercial without going into a full blown depression. Leggings are your go-to wardrobe staple and oversized t-shirts adorn your closet. 

There is probably cat hair all over your LuLaRoe leggings. And be honest, you own at least one coloring book that was sold to you as a stress reliever.  

Seasonal Watermelon/Strawberry/Pumpkin/Pear Salad

You are sooo trendy. SoulCycle LITERALLY changed your entire life. Your Lululemon collection trumps your denim collection. Your style is somewhere between wearing chokers ironically and Lilly Pulitzer. 

Sometimes you’re too moody for your own good but you make up for it with your sweetness when you’re in a good mood.

Mac and Cheese

You are carefree but not hippie carefree. You honestly just don’t give a fuck about what you eat but somehow still have a banging body. 

You’re the girl with the messy ponytail who jokes about skipping showers but isn’t joking. Seriously, why can’t we be you? 

Guys chase you and you have zero interest in their constant desire to give you attention. We all hate you but simultaneously need your validation so we know we aren’t total losers.   

Mediterranean Veggie Sandwich 

You might be a vegetarian but you don’t care to share it with the world. Healthy is somewhat a part of your vocab but let’s be real, giving up bread is actually crazy. 

You’re sassy, but not in your face about it. You are edgier than your friends realize, but you like to keep that to yourself. 

You might be persuaded to go for a run after a weekend of binge drinking but you would rather just do a Zumba video in the basement. 

Passion Papaya Iced Green Tea and a Bagel

You are hungover or in a crazy rush to work… or both. 

Ignoring the fact that your ‘healthy’ tea is a sugary nightmare without any trace of caffeine, you are also entirely content eating a caloric chunk of hard bread smothered with flavored cheese spread. 

Your purse is filled with pens, old receipts and an obscene amount of lipsticks. Dry shampoo is holding your life together.

When I'm Gone, Know That It Is Your Fault

The day is nearing when you will go though a day without hearing from me. The days will turn into weeks and then, all at once I will just be part of your past that few people knew about.

I will be near your work and not shoot you a text to see if you can take a few minutes out of your day to say hi. You always said no but I still offered.

My time was valuable and I am valuable. But you couldn’t see it.

I spent months waiting for you to make time for me. I gave you countless chances to just say yes. I just needed you to choose me once. 

There was always an excuse. I asked many times for you just to tell me if you didn’t want to see me but without fail, you instead always had an excuse to make me feel bad. 

I am not asking you to leave your girlfriend. I am not asking you to take me to an extravagant date. I am not even asking you to be in public with me.

I would honestly sit in the car with you so I could just get a chance to look you in the eyes and hear your voice again.

I need closure. After months of being disappearing words on a phone, I want to know the truth about the agonizing pain that I feel everyday.

Do I really love you or just the idea of who you were when things were different? I keep waiting for you to make up your mind and I dont get to weigh my options.  

I do not know what you gain out of this. I have given you the chance to rid me of your life. I have asked for you to just let me know that you don’t want me communicating with you.

In my heart I know that you wouldn’t keep me on the line if you didn’t think there was a possibility of things being different for us in the future but maybe you just like feeling wanted.

Maybe you have grown accustomed to my unconditional admiration and the fact that I let you have a say in my life even though you are barely part of it.

But if things don’t change soon, you will wake up and my name will not flash across your phone. Our paths will not cross. I will just be a distant memory.

When I Look to My Future, I Hope It Is With You

A year ago my life was so different. Looking back, I wouldn’t even recognize who I am today.

When you walked into my life, I didn’t need you. I had no idea how badly I would grow to want you. 

I already had someone to love. I had love that I thought was built to last me through the years.

You changed that. Ever so slowly you made me realize that I was trapped in a façade that was disguised as love.

And then without even noticing, I began falling for you.

Every week that passed I fell a little more. You gave me inches and I wanted miles.

At that point in time, it wasn’t feasible. We weren’t ready.

But now months have gone by and feelings haven’t changed.

The time apart has only grown the love I accidentally fell into.

For months we have spent hours late at night talking about our unknown looming future.

Our lives are intertwined and I made a conscious decision to keep myself in your web even knowing that things could go completely wrong.

But I have to trust my gut. I have never fought for myself before and this time I am.

I am fighting for my future. I am fighting for our future. 

I want to grow old with you, but first I want to be young with you. 

Our future is ready. Its just waiting for you. 

What It’s Like Being With The Girl Who Isn’t Scared of Sex

Raunchy jokes are the least of her problems.

This girl is sassy and scandalous in the most uncomfortable situations.

She cannot stop herself from adding in a subtle ‘that’s what she said’ or winking ostentatiously at anyone that fumbles into an unintentional innuendo.

But it only starts there…

This girl is down with getting down and dirty.

She might not have a growing list of partners but that’s because she consciously choose to really explore with the same person because she knows that it can only get better.

When she wants something, you damn well better believe she is going to tell you and you have a short amount of time to give her what she needs before she becomes the true maneater that she is.

She has a secret box of toys that most wouldn’t expect to be hiding under her bed.

She may unknowingly bat her eyes at the talk of Sex and the City-esque contraptions but she definitely understands the hype.

She wants to explore.

She wants you to propose things that push her limits because she trusts your bond. She wants handcuffs and your hands around her neck. She likes bites as much as soft kisses.

She is ready for you to take her right on your office desk… she had no problem muffling her moans into your neck to make sure you don’t get caught.

This special lady thinks about you late at night while she’s lying in bed without you.

She won’t even think twice about sending you naughty snap pics to remind you exactly what you are missing out on.

She craves a challenge and she picks a guy that is going to be worth getting out of breath with at any point in the day.

She embraces her sexuality and if you are able to see that side of her, it means she has found something unique about you that she wants to explore. Enjoy it and don’t mess it up!

When An Affair Accidentally Becomes Love

I never intended to be the ‘other woman’.

What started as innocent flirting at work and on snapchat quickly escalated into a full-blown affair.

The midday lunch dates sitting in your car got me through some of my hardest days. 

The drinks after work holding your hand under the bar and praying no one saw us were some of my happiest moments during weeks of darkness.

It wasn’t until we almost got caught and I was sprinting out your back door through the snow that I realized just how far we had gotten.

When she found my clothes balled up on your floor weeks later, I thought that was the end but it wasn’t. I still don’t know if she’s really that stupid or just unable to face very obvious proof.

I didn’t expect that I would fall in love with a man that I let into my life to distract me from the abuse that I faced day in and out when I got home.

Somehow, I cannot entirely feel bad for it. Yes, it was not a typical and traditional path but what developed between us was not just a fling.

It wasn’t just sex.

It was love.

Somehow the string-less distractions from our humdrum lives turned into something that we couldn’t go more than a day without.

We were scared of what we had done. Scared of what would happen next. Scared of how the future would pan out. And then all at once, we stopped.

Removing the source of the problem is not enough. Even without being in the same room, we still talk late at night.

I am scared. What we have evolved from fun to real and now we are stuck in limbo.  Waiting in suspense of how the next part goes.

But I am not ashamed. I know that what I did was not to be malicious. It was not to be hateful or cruel.

What I did was for love.

One day, I will look back and know that it was worth it. One day soon, I will not be the other woman but rather, the only.

You’re Allowed to Be Scared of Falling in Love With Me

I am a handful. I will not ever deny that.

Most men expect that the love of their life will be a cakewalk; she will float into his life with a radiating cuteness and be softly spoken like a little kitten.

Some days I embody that precious nature but other days, I am as unpredictable as a hurricane.

I can be emotionally irrational when I feel neglected. I will cry at things that do not deserve tears.

I wake up some mornings and I feel so optimistic about what the day will bring; I am cheerful and want all the cuddles and kisses.

Bad days can bring an overwhelming numbness; I will not be emotional. Rather, I will be a robot. I will not be fazed by anything you say or do. Nothing will cause a reaction.

You are allowed to be scared that some days you might not know how to handle me but know that I’m just as scared about letting you see those sides of me.

You shouldn’t fear though.

I cannot promise perfection but I can promise that everyday I wake up knowing that I’m yours, my heart will be at ease.

Even on my worst days I will unconditionally love you for everything you have done for me and for the months of staying in the sidelines during some of my darkest days when any other person would have ran.

When everything else is a mess and I feel like the world is falling apart, I will embrace the simple truth that one thing does work: us.

You are the only thing that does not scare me because I know that with you, my world makes sense.

Look for the Guy Who Will Be Your Friend First and Lover Second

Someone recently tried to tell me that there was no reason to let your significant other know the parts of you that your best friend would know. She said that pillow talk was unnecessary and overrated and that there needed to be secrets so the other person couldn’t destroy you.

Call me crazy but when I fall in love, I try my very best to find someone who I can trust with not only my secrets but my whole heart. And in that, I have found in my love the most honest, strongest friendship.

You embrace your difference in interests.

Sometimes friendships come with varying opinions. Many people struggle to be in relationships where they do not always see eye to eye on every single thing.

When you have that bond with your significant other you are genuinely content with not being on the exact same page for all things. Politics do not hateful barriers. A dislike of ones favorite movie doesn’t mean that all is lost.

Sleepovers aren’t just romantic, they're fun.

Late night dates that turn into sleepovers will include long hours of intimacy but when you have a natural connection with someone, it can easily be much more than just sex. 

Laying in bed and laughing about some guys hair on the news while cuddled close is just as intimate as being wrapped around each other in the heat of the moment.

Dates are never awkward.

Being best friends with your significant other makes going out in public a very non-intimidating experience.

Sure, you might still forever be unable to decide where to eat but wherever you are, it’s going to be a good time as long as you two are together.

You are both comfortable with each other and your quirky habits. He knows you never want to drive because you can’t parallel park. You know that he likes to order for you.

Neither of you are afraid to say what you're truly feeling.

Your significant other holds your heart and is your biggest supporter. They know your secrets and fears and they still love you in spite of all the scary realities that being with you holds.

At the end of the day, they are the one that you want to complain to, even if sometimes you are complaining about the annoying thing that they did. 

Your friendship is unparalleled and your love so pure.

It may not be for everyone, but you wouldn’t trade it for the world.

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