Author: Michaela Diane

Depression is a very real thing. I would know. These are just some of the quotes that help me get through my constant battle of not feeling like I am good enough for anyone. 

"Don't ever say you're not good enough. If that person can't see how amazing you are, then they're the one who's not good enough for you."

"Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up." – Ann Bradford 

"Never stop doing your best just because someone doesn't give you credit." 

"Stay positive. Stay fighting. Stay brave. Stay ambitious. Stay focused. Stay strong."

"Whatever makes you feel bad, leave it. Whatever makes you smile, keep it.

"The struggle you're in today, is developing the strength you need for tomorrow."

"Stay strong beautiful, because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever."

"Just because something isn't happening for you right now doesn't mean it never will. Stay strong, hold your head up high, and keep going."

"You're not supposed to look back, you're supposed to keep going." – The Lovely Bones

"It's okay to not be okay as long as you're not giving up." 

"When you're trying to motivate yourself, appreciate the fact that you're even thinking about making a change. And as you move forward, allow yourself to be good enough." – Alice Domar

Instead of focusing on all of the negativity that may or may not surround you, try to focus on all of the amazing things that life holds. It may be stormy right now and you may feel like you're stuck, but you are the farthest thing from being stuck. Get out of your own way and push forward. You are good enough and you will always be good enough. Despite any troubling thoughts that slip into your mind, you are enough!

Everyone has that one friend that they talk to everyday. That they never get sick of. They're you're other half. But what happens when your other half becomes distant with you and only you? You watch her actions and you observe silently. You try to talk to her, but it's gotten to a point where it literally is no use. You have to give up at some point, and when it gets to that point it causes you so much physical pain that it makes you physically sick. It's hard for you to admit when you've reached that point. Have you reached that point?

As you watch her you see her get closer and closer with someone that you absolutely loathe. She also knows that you loathe her. I mean why wouldn't she? You're best friends. She knows everything. You can't help but to think that the other girl is doing this on purpose. Pulling your best friend away from you. You watch them laughing, you see them joking and taking pictures together, you see the other girl doing things that involve your inside jokes with her (that felt like you were being suffocated and it still does. I mean, come on!! Who does things like that?! If you and your best friend have an inside joke with one another, other people don't try to get in on it or completely take over it! Who does that?!), you see them sharing things with one another on Facebook, and although you may be tagged in it you refuse to comment on it. It'll only get ignored anyway. They comment back and forth and you sit there reading everything. All of the "lol's" and other comments between the two of them, you can feel your stomach turning. You sit there fighting back tears. This used to be the two of you. What happened? Things that you would jump in on normally, you can't. You don't find it funny, and you know she doesn't care what you have to say. You're not that other girl or that other girl's sidekick best friend. A few weeks ago you would have laughed and been all over it, but now it slices through you like a knife. She's allowed to have other friends, but that doesn't mean that she can overlook her "best friend." When you share something on her Facebook timeline, you barely get an acknowledgement to it. Barely. So you just end up deleting the post. Do you have to post things similar to what her new bff is posting? Is that how this works? You're not that girl, and you won't play this other girls evil games. You do however, have to stop letting her get inside of your head. She doesn't mean anything to you. Except for the fact that she has your best friend wrapped around her little finger and that sends an ultimate rage through you. You've been trying so hard to not snap and lose it when you see the two of them together, and you deserve all the credit in the world for that! You're hurting and even though you're barely keeping it together, you still have that lid fastened on as tightly as you can have it. Try to keep it that way. No girl fights please. Things may be slowly oozing out, try to keep it under control.  

You miss your inside jokes with her, you miss your girls nights, you miss your long endless drives where you'd blast music and sing at the top of your lungs ("It's the best day everrrrrrr" shout out to Spongebob), you miss her. It hurts. It hurts to remember. You often wonder if she thinks about any of those times. The ice cream dates, the bar nights that always ended in an interesting way, the long talks that meant so much to you, the random phone calls or text messages. You each have one another saved as their nicknames with personalized ringtones in their phones. The usual bestie things. You just wonder. Did it all mean the same to her? Were you as important to her? You don't want to think like this, you really don't. You don't know what/how to think of the situation anymore. You're trying so freaking hard. Maybe a little too hard. You would tell one another how much you loved each other, and if you ever needed a boost of confidence or a kick in the ass she's the one you could always run to. She would gladly kick you in the ass if you needed it. That's just how the two of you operated. 

You sit there and overthink the situation as a whole. What else can you do? You've tried talking to her and that doesn't work. You wrote her a letter telling her that you understand what's going on in her life, but the only thing you wish for is communication. You remind her how much you love her and what she means to you. She was your best friend! Your person! And now? What is she? To you…she is still your person even if you're not hers anymore (thanks Grey's Anatomy), and you keep trying and that's never going to change, but to her? What are you to her now? Are you still her best friend, or are you just someone she used to talk to about everything? You had one particular moment about a month ago when the two of you were sitting outside with a few other people. She was talking about coffee, and you were standing there awkwardly and completely silent for the whole conversation. She was talking about how you take your coffee and how the others that were there take theirs, but when she mentioned you she said "my best friend…" and she gestured at you. You lit up like a Christmas tree. She didn't notice and you didn't tell her and you won't tell her, but you felt really important and a wave of happiness completely flooded you. One of the other girls that was standing with you guys noticed though, and she just smiled at you knowing what was going through your head. 

You feel as though she just doesn't care about your friendship anymore. She doesn't want to know what's going on in your life, and when she does find something out it's because you had to post it on social media to get a reaction out of her. Which you do on purpose. Guilty as charged. You just want your best friend back. You want her to be apart of your life! Why did things change?! You care so much about her and what's going on in her life. You would do literally ANYTHING for her and you the only thing you expect in return is her friendship. That's it. You didn't think that that was too much to ask for. You have so much to tell her, so much you NEED to talk about. Things you don't want to talk about with anyone else, but you feel like you can't/shouldn't do that anymore. Not until she gives you some sort of bat signal letting you know that it's okay. That the two of you are okay. 

You've gotten to a point now where there are only so many things that you can do to try to get her acknowledgement and attention. You're not selfish, but you can't go from talking every single day to not speaking at all, or to only speaking when something is needed. It sounds selfish and you don't want it to sound that way, but it's true. She may be busy and have her own life and you understand that entirely, but when did she become so busy that she refuses to even say hello to you? That's what hurts the most. Seeing your person every single day and they don't even say hello, or good morning, or how are you anymore. The amount of physical pain it causes you is almost unbearable. You've cried over it more times than you can count. Not that she knows this because you feel like you can't talk to her about it. You've sat there and blamed yourself for being such a bad friend and for not being understanding, but now you feel it's the other way around because you feel that you've done all you can do. You would still do anything for her, and if she needed you for something you would drop everything and run. Literally. Maybe she wants you to back off and she's just not saying it out loud. Who knows… 

What do you do? That's the question you ask yourself everyday. What can you do to fix this? Keep asking her to hangout? Ask her if she wants to grab a quick coffee? Because fifteen minutes with her means more to you than "We'll see," or "I might actually do…" All you ask is fifteen minutes. Fifteen. If it's longer, great! If not that's fine too. Even a little bit of time means the world to you. You feel so stupid for thinking about all of this when you have a million other things going on that require your undivided attention. However, she means more to you than those other things. You can't let go, but she has. You are having a hard time accepting this, but you're doing your best. You have to keep reminding yourself that some people aren't meant to stay in your life forever. That they're there for a reason at the time and once they fulfill that reason, that's it. Someone very important to you told you this when you first met. It cut through you like a knife then too. 

You are allowed to feel all of the things that you are feeling. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling like this. It is understandable. It's going to be okay! Stop fighting your emotions. Unless of course they lead you to saying things that you don't mean, in which case yeah…fight them. If you need to cry…cry. There is nothing wrong with crying, there is nothing wrong with feeling! That's life sweet girl. You are loyal and loving and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! You have a heart of gold, and nobody should be allowed to take that from you. You know in your heart (okay, so you hope) that someday she will come back to you and even though you don't want to admit it, you'll always be waiting. Why? Because she's still your person, even if you're not hers anymore.   

We all know the show…Grey's Anatomy. What some people don't know is how much of an impact this show has had on many lives. These are just some quotes from the show that everyone needs to have in their life. Quotes that pretty much speak for themselves. 

"You are my person. You will always be my person"

"You don't have to be tough every minute of every day. It's okay to let down your guard."

"No one's ever believed in me like this. You believe in me more than I do, and I need that. I'm gonna die here without that."

"I'm a human being. I make mistakes. I'm flawed. We all are."

"Don't let what he wants eclipse what you need. He's very dreamy, but he's not the sun, you are."

"Just because people do horrible things, it doesn't always mean they're horrible people."

"When the ground gives way and your world collapses, maybe you just need to have faith. And trust that you can survive this. Maybe you just need to hold on tight. And no matter what, don't let go."

"You don't just walk away from people. You don't just throw people away."

"Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up."

"Just put one foot in front of the other. Just get through the day."

"I think you can't wait for someone to fly underneath you and save your life. I think you have to save yourself."

"The body is a slave to its impulses, but the thing that makes us human is what we can control. After the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment has passed, we can cool off and clean up the messes we made. We can try to let go of what was."

"Make a plan. Set a goal. Work towards it, but every now and then, look around. Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."

"You grew up. It's a shame. It's awful being a grown up, but the carousel never stops turning. You can't  get off."

"This is life. Bad things happen, it's hard. You find your people, you find your person, and you lean on them."

"So you think I'm broken? Fix me. 'Cause I'm no quitter."

"You just don't give up. It's lame. You're not a quitter. That's not who you are."

and last, but not least!

"Shout your answers. Make yourself heard. Whatever it takes, just find your voice."

In life you tend to go through these weird little phases. Whether it be with your style, your hair, your personality. Whatever it may be we never quite seem to realize that we go through phases with people too. Especially in friendships. You could be friends with someone for eighteen years, and tomorrow you could realize that you’ve outgrown them or worse, they’ve outgrown you. These things are normal and they do happen and yes, they do suck. But sometimes it doesn’t have to be like that! You could be friends with someone for a week and realize that the two of you are destined to be best friends. The two of you realize that this friendship is not a phase, and you know you’ll be stuck to one another like rubber cement for a very long time. Most people even comment on how close the two of you are and even if you guys hate to admit it, you secretly love that people notice. It makes you feel like your friendship is even more real than it already is, and you just know how loved by one another you truly are. It’s a bond that cannot be broken. She’s you’re person, and you’re hers. Even if you aren’t her person, in the end she will always be yours. 

You do everything that you can to make sure that she is safe because after all she is your best friend. You’d rather take care of her than yourself because you love her so much and she means more to you than most things in life. You’re your own little family. You look out for one another, there is no questioning that. Oh that guy is hitting on her at the bar? Let’s see how this plays out…excuse me sir, are you lost? You have to get through me first. If I don’t approve, then get to stepping. No one is getting remotely close to either one of you unless they pass the test that you secretly created for them. Naturally, they don’t know this… When you do find someone you are so excited about it that you don’t want to share it with anyone else until you tell her. She needs to know everything before anybody else. That’s just how these things work.  

The two of you spend more time together than you probably should, but it feels weird when you don’t. It’s actually depressing when you don’t. You don’t get sick of one another. Okay…maybe you do…but I personally could never be sick of my person. Too much time away from your person physically hurts you. Even if you get to spend five minutes with them, it’s five minutes well spent. Sometimes those five minutes are literally all you need. She’s the one person that you can rely on for everything. The two of you never fight, you may disagree on things but you never actually fight. Even when you are arguing over things it’s usually because of something that you did for her or vice versa, and she wants you to stop…which will probably never happen because you cannot and will not ever screw her over like that. You know just how it feels to be mistreated and taken advantage of. Therefore, you never want her to feel that way! (Just saying!!) She can tend to get extremely annoyed and frustrated with you because in certain situations you do get argumentative, but both of you know that it’s all out of nothing but pure love. Even when you are personally about to break, you want to keep going because it’s for her. She may not be able to see that, and she may not realize just how special she is but you do. You don’t care if she gets mad at you and starts stabbing you with a spoon because you know that’s a sign that you’re her person too.  You feel at your best when you are helping out even if the end result is playful violence. 

When the two of you are barely speaking (which doesn’t happen often, but it does happen), you don’t know what to do with yourself. You try to fill the weird empty feeling with other people, but it just isn’t the same. No matter what you always think of her. You always ask yourself questions like “what would my bestie say right now?” You replay old conversations in your head all the while missing her to death. You go back through your phone and re-read conversations that you decided to screen shot six months ago because what was said was so important to you. When you aren’t speaking much, you understand that you’re not the problem. However, your own anxiety and crazy mind makes you think that you are. Sometimes you try to text her random things just to talk to her, and sometimes it just doesn’t work out the way you want it to. It happens. You feel empty without your person, but you never lose hope. When you do get to speak no matter what the topic is, all you can think is “there she is…I’ve missed her, I’ve missed this.” 

When it seems like you’re pushing her away, the truth is that you’re not. You don’t want her to see you in pain and vice versa. You can feel your person’s pain and heartbreak. No matter how unrealistic some of the feelings you may be having are, your person knows just the right words to say to help you through it. When she is in need you are always by her side, and you know that whenever you’re in need she’s there faster than the speed of light. You can always tell when something isn’t quite right and she’s off. Even though she may not be able to talk about it at the time, she knows that she has a shoulder to lean on…ALWAYS. You may have to push one another to talk and it works eventually, but that’s only because well…she’s your person and you care. No matter how stupid the situation may be, you want her to tell you everything. It’s what the two of you do. You want to maintain this bond and you want to always have a clear understanding of one another. No matter how painful it may be, you want her to be straight with you and in return you will be the same with her.  

Your person is someone that you can call no matter what. You know that if you were ever in a bad situation that she’s the person you would call immediately. No matter what she would be there. Depending on the situation she may even help and get fully involved! For instance, male sabotage! No one breaks your best friend’s heart and gets away with it! EVER. You love one another unconditionally, and nothing can ever change that. No one will ever be like the two of you, and that’s okay they can keep wishing that they were. Because let’s be honest, you guys are the coolest people ever! You share the best conversations. You can converse with just facial expressions, or one word sentences. The two of you just get it…you get each other. That’s all there is to it. You love your person with all of your heart and you feel lucky to have someone like them to look up to. You admire her for her strength, confidence, compassion, and so many other amazing traits that she possesses. You have nicknames for one another, and when she calls you by yours it just makes your day go so much better. It’s the little things that make you happiest. You can see each others strength, and when you feel like you might be slipping she is always there to pick you right back up and save you from the fall. She’s your person. 

“You are my person. You will always be my person.”

I love you bestie. 

Dear Self, 

     We are going to go back in time a bit and we may jump around occasionally throughout this letter, but you need to see these things in black and white. They are going to help you realize what you have conquered and what else is to come. 

     It's just barely a week after your nineteenth birthday and still…something isn't quite right with you. Where did you go? The real you…where is she? Your spirit was once so alive and on fire! Where did that spark go? It's not under your bed with the razor blades that you keep hidden from everyone. It's not in the toilet where you dispose all of your meals when no one is looking. It's definitely not hiding in your school work since you are barely passing your freshman year of college. You have completely shut down. You only show up to your job because you have to, but any chance you get to call out you take advantage of it. How is this possible? You're not living anymore, you're hardly even surviving. However, you love yourself this way…why? It could have something to do with the fact that no one in your life suspects that anything is going on. You've become sneaky and manipulative to get your way at home. You feel as though you are nothing more than one big mental black hole. You have allowed your insecurities to take over who you used to be. You kept a journal that no one ever knew about stating everything you hate about yourself. You listed everything that you had to do to make people like you, even if that meant it would potentially put your life in danger.

     The biggest question that you asked yourself daily was "who am I living for?" Yourself? Mom and Dad? Your friends? Your job? As these could all be great things to live for they are the biggest triggers in your mind as to why you don't want to live. You lost your friends a long time ago. You could feel yourself slipping from their memories and from the group. Maybe you were all just too different. Maybe you lost them while you were still in high school and you didn't even realize it. It's even more of a struggle when the one person you thought would be your best friend forever is a big part of why you feel so alone. You go on every single day missing her, but you have tried everything you can to get her back and failed. Your parents are too focused on the future of your younger siblings to realize that you've slipped away from the family and your daily activities. So you go on day to day self harming and hating yourself for not being good enough. You have your phone disconnected because who's going to text/call you? You lock yourself in your room and only come out when you absolutely have to, which is usually for dinner. The dinner that you don't eat and if you do eat it you find yourself purging in the bathroom upstairs until you're puking up blood. You're numb. You no longer have the motivation to do anything. Any thoughts of ever performing on Broadway or any other dreams that you had have been tossed out the window with your lost spark. Your head starts spinning and you can't take it anymore…so you do it…you try to take your own life. Not once, but multiple times. 

     Everyone tried to force you to get professional help, but you refused. You put up a good fight too! You were dragged to one therapist and refused to go inside for your appointment. You were physically carried in while kicking and screaming! At nineteen years old that is pretty pathetic and quite embarrassing. You hated this woman, you called her a bitch to her face and refused to talk to her. You even told her that you hated her. You never did go back to that therapist afterwards. I am here to tell you that that is perfectly okay. Yes, you continued to struggle getting out of bed everyday, but you still did it! At nineteen you felt as though everyone was out to get you especially in this turn of events. That was not the case. You still carried on everyday feeling as though your own parents didn't care about you. That feeling never really went away, but it did get a little bit better when you got older. The truth is you never wanted to get better because you were comfortable. Yes…you were comfortable with how you were. You were losing tons of weight and people noticed. You enjoyed being alone…that meant you didn't have to face your problems and you could continue to hide from them. Yet, you were "okay." Sometimes I wish I could go back and slap you into reality. 

     This letter is not to scare you or to open any old wounds, but to make you realize your own worth and to make you see what you have accomplished over time. At that time you felt like you were unsavable, but dear self here's the thing…everyone is savable! You were still just a baby then. You grew up knowing nothing but hateful things about you and you believed them. You were bullied to your face, you were threatened in school, and your were bullied online and nobody did anything about it. No teacher, no principle, no cop, no one. The bullying only got worse as you got older (especially in high school), but let me tell you something…You are NOT the names that they called you! You are NOT worthless, you are NOT ugly, you are NOT fat, and even though they told you to kill yourself…do not! Let me tell you all of the things that you are though! You ARE beautiful, you ARE talented, you ARE lovable, you ARE strong, and most importantly; you ARE going to be okay! Your bedroom is covered in your favorite inspirational quotes and lyrics by Demi Lovato. She is the one person that you looked to for help. Figuratively of course. You found strength in her story and lyrics. That's what helped you get through your darkest hours. Nobody understood that, in fact they still don't get it and that's okay. However (as we get side tracked), it is going to take more than just reading these quotes to make you feel okay again. You have to live by them! You didn't understand that back then.

     If there is anything that you should know it is that you are going to mean so much to so many people as you get older. You are going to make a whole new group of friends, and you are going to start a brand new job that will completely turn your life around. A job that you are extremely dedicated to. You are going to realize your worth. You are going to see what kind of an impact you make on people. You are going to find yourself. You are not your past. As you grow you are going to become close with someone that shortly becomes your Bestie. You may not know it yet, but the adventures the two of you are going to have are worth sticking around for. She becomes the one person that you can trust and pour your heart out to. You feed off of each others strength, and she keeps you grounded. Even on the worst days she is there, even when she has no clue as to what is going on inside your mind. She somehow always just knows. The two of you become one and the same. Your childhood best friend, she never left your side throughout all of your ups and downs. You have been friends for over seventeen years, and she has not once walked away from you. As you think about it (when you get there) you slowly start to realize that these two people would be just as lost without you as you would be without them, and it gives you a sense of hope and purpose. You would never do anything to hurt them, which gets you to thinking…if you wouldn't hurt them then why would you hurt yourself? A part of them lies inside of you and if you're hurting yourself, that must mean you're hurting them too…right? 

     You are one of the strongest people and you don't even know it yet. You went on for over four years fighting a battle with yourself that no one knew anything about. If that's not strength, then I don't know what is. You were forced to get help, but you turned it down because you weren't ready. When you finally came to terms on your own with the fact that you really did need help, you went out and got it without being forced into it. It may have taken a few years, but you did it! Once you finally accepted that it is okay to have a mental illness you weren't embarrassed by it, and you learned how to control it without medication; that was when you started to live again. You were able to control your mental illnesses unmedicated (which was your own personal choice), but that definitely takes a lot of strength for someone to do!

     Almost two years later and you are still getting help. Not because you're in a bad place, but because you learned that the battle you were fighting is something that is fought everyday. It isn't something that just goes away because you snapped your fingers and yelled out "go away, damn it!" You were diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder which helped explain so much! You are no longer ashamed of it, and you never should have been. Those razor blades that were once your only "friends" have been disposed of, and you stopped trying to end your life. Why? Because you finally realized that this life is worth living and you were finally able let love in. You have become this amazing young girl that is about to turn twenty three years old and you are almost unrecognizable. So much that other people call you out on it. You channel your energy into your health and fitness and your own well-being, and you finally learned how to love yourself. You still have your good and bad days, but who doesn't? You're only human. You don't have to have it together every minute of every day. Your insecurities still creep up and bite you in the ass from time to time, but you are in a much better place and you know how to deal with them. You are learning still. You have moved out of your parents house and into your own apartment. This was such a huge step for you! Your recovery has made everything that is about to happen possible. You went back to school, you're old friends are back in your life, and you have never been so happy in your life. Younger self you even start performing again. You find new passions and you re-create yourself through your old ones. You found your flame, and you are never going to let it blow out again. You are a Warrior. 

Love,

The much more stable self!

If you have a younger sister you know what it feels like to watch her grow up. You feel proud to be apart of her, and you feel a sense of joy if she turned out to be just like you. Even if she doesn't want to admit it she's happy about it too. The first time that she said that swear word…"No mom, I have no idea where she learned that…" 

It's funny because as you watch her grow up, you're sometimes watching her grow farther and farther away from you. Even when you try to pull her in closer.

Dearest little sister, 

As I have watched you grow up I couldn't be more proud. You have shown me what it means to be a true friend. You have been there for me during my darkest of times. You have picked me up when I wanted to be left on the ground, and you have never left me in the dark. Even when I was kicking and screaming and wanted to be left alone you never left me…not once.

The past two years I have felt you drifting from me which is okay because you need to find yourself and develop your own sense of individuality. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell though. 

I miss the way that we used to laugh together over absolutely nothing. For instance, the day you pulled a cucumber out of your purse out of absolutely nowhere. It became our little inside joke that we laughed about for days. We were on our way to a Katy Perry concert that day. It was one of the best days of my life. Having random moments like that are what make our relationship work and it keeps us from killing one another.

It's times like those that I wish we could find again. I miss when you used to respond to my text messages almost instantly and I miss when we used to stay up late just talking. More importantly little sister…I miss you and what we used to be. 

As I watch you from a distance I see what an amazing young woman you have become at only twenty. I see how you have picked up a few things from me along the way too. Not just through your personality and the things that you say, but from my closet. P.S. I want those yoga pants back. That is one thing that will never be taken away from us…we steal each other's clothing and never return it. Even though I act like I'm mad about it I know that my clothes tend to look better on you. 

“How the hell do you sum up your sister in three minutes? She’s your twin and your polar opposite. She’s your constant companion and your competition. She’s your best friend and the biggest bitch in the world. She’s everything you wish you could be and everything you wish you weren’t.”– M. Molly Backes

I am so proud of you and all that you have accomplished. Promotions at work, raises, loyalty to your friends, family, and relationship. I am so overly proud of you and all that you have done. You are such a beautiful person and it has been a blessing to watch you grow into the mature adult that you have become. It kills me not having you in my life that much anymore. 

No matter where this life will take us, and no matter how far we drift away I want you to know how much I will always love you. Here's to your future and to making more memories with you down the road.

Love always and forever,

Blondie