Michelle Smith, Author at Pucker Mob

9 Signs Your Man Isn’t Over His Baby Mama

It takes two people to make a child and they have to work together to raise it. But sometimes exes blur the lines and are involved in more than parenting. They’ve allegedly moved on, but in reality they’re still clinging to the past, to those days when they were in a relationship. And their behavior shows they’re not ready to let go.

If you’re involved with a guy who has a baby with another woman (his baby mama aka his BM) and you suspect he’s concerned about more than his you child, you may be right.

1. Excessive co-parenting.

Yes, parents need to discuss things: medical decisions, child care arrangements, grades and behavior. And there are some moments they want share with each other: the first step, first word, an award or an upcoming event. But be very aware when every move the baby mama makes requires input from your man. If she’s calling every time the child draws a picture or he has to rush over for every scrape, cut and whimper, there’s a problem. When people aren’t ready to let go they’ll often use children to stay in constant contact.

2. She plays the middle man.

Once a child reaches a certain age, there’s little for parents to talk about on a daily basis. Sure, your man may need to talk to his BM here and there. But for the most part, school-age children can communicate directly with their fathers, no middle man required. And at some point it becomes ridiculous for all calls to be routed through her. A father who really wants to stay in touch with his child should be willing to invest in a cellphone or landline. If not, you have to wonder: who does he really want to talk to?

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The Other Type Of Cheating: Financial Infidelity

Even if you aren't creeping with an outsider you may still be guilty of cheating, or you may be getting cheated on.

Financial infidelity—deceitful practices involving money and other assets—is very common. You may be thinking money issues can't possibly compare to sexual infidelity, but you're wrong.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity happens when a couple supposedly combines or discloses their finances, but someone keeps or creates secrets.

Maybe you have property or received an inheritance but never mentioned it. Perhaps one of you opened secret credit card or savings accounts. Maybe you've made some major purchases your partner wouldn't approve of or you lied about your income, debt or credit history.

Financial infidelity is like other relationship problems: There's no strict list of offenses; it varies based on a couple's financial agreements and feelings about deception.

Still, a lot of people are guilty and they know it. One in three adults admitted to committing financial infidelity of some sort, at some time, an online survey found in 2014. And 76% of those survey participants claimed financial infidelity has had a negative effect on their relationship, the National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE) also reported.

Why it happens

Financial infidelity can be the mask for serious problems, such as drug and gambling addiction or compulsive shopping. It may result from efforts to hide an affair or control the course of the relationship.

But financial infidelity isn't always a sign of the absolute worst. It can be caused by emotions, such as embarrassment or fear of disappointing a loved one.

Say a guy has always been the breadwinner. He loses his job, which leads to a cash shortage. He secretly applies for a credit card to cover household expenses, expecting to quickly find another job, repay the debt and close the account. His motive was not to hurt or deceive but rather to protect and maintain happiness.

A woman who witnessed her mother abandoned and struggling to raise her kids may instinctively set up an “emergency fund” because she's scared the same could happen to her. Or, maybe the problem is overly intrusive behavior. After combining finances, some people demand justification for spending every cent. And that can make a person desperate for financial freedom.

Why lies and secrets about money hurt

Whatever the motive, financial infidelity can be as damaging as emotional or sexual infidelity, NEFE found. And that makes perfect sense.

Think about it, money plays an important role in relationships. We use it to attract, entertain, show affection and provide for our partners. It's also a sensitive issue that most of us only discuss with our closest confidants. Disclosing finances is a major step in a relationship; it implies a deep sense of trust. So, of course deceitful behavior has the potential to cause serious problems.

Financial infidelity stirs up many of the same emotions as an affair. It raises questions about trust, honesty and even security. If your mate is stashing money or has undisclosed property, you may start to wonder if she has future plans that don't include you. You may feel like he doesn't love you enough to give her all or you may question whether she's hiding her assets because she doesn't think you're good enough share with.

And just like a lover's secret rendezvous can burn you, so can financial infidelity. If you have joint credit accounts and your partner secretly maxes them out, you're responsible for the debt too. Or, say you two were saving together but you find out he's siphoned off all or most of the money and now you're broke.

Financial infidelity is not a harmless offense. It can wreck relationships, but it doesn't have to. Like other issues, it's possible to work it out. If it happens to you, instead of jumping to conclusions, find out what's behind the dishonesty first. Then, decide what to do about it.

How Your Life Would Change If You Started Thinking Like A Guy

Females are the ish, no doubt. We’re the smartest, coolest, funniest and sexiest. And that’s just the beginning of how awesome we are.

Women are the better of the two sexes. That’s a fact because we decided it’s a fact, which is one many great powers we have. But even with all of our superior qualities we can still take a few lessons from the guys. If you did…

Your car would be in better shape.

You wouldn’t ignore those lights telling you to check things, like your engine. You wouldn’t turn up the radio to drown out the clicks and knocks. And you would visit a mechanic even when your car isn’t smoking because you would know those visits are called basic maintenance and it’s how you keep your car from breaking down. It sounds like the ultimate stereotype, but think like a guy and your car will run better, for longer and probably be a lot cleaner.

You would have more time.

Do you feel like you’re always rushing or there’s never enough time? Hair, nails, eyebrows, skin care, outfits and matching accessories could be partly to blame. Women devote a lot of time to looking good without realizing how much time that takes from other things. Some of us start preparing before we go to bed, wake up and put in more work, just to get ready to head out the door. That’s not counting time spent primping during the day or changing into evening wear. Yeah, there are some male divas, but most guys don’t waste so much time on their appearance, and we still love them.

You would shrug off past sex.

So you’ve had some frisky and risky moments. It was just sex. It’s not like you were out committing felonies. Guys don’t bury their head in the sand and walk under a cloud of shame because of the past. Why should we? Women face double standards partly because we continue to co-sign on stereotypes.

You’d be paying more attention to your positive qualities.

Ladies, we spend a lot of time focusing on our flaws and pointing them out to other people, especially the guys in our lives. It’s a most idiotic and pathetic habit. It’s like going to work and alerting your boss of all your screw-ups but expecting him to conclude you deserve the job, or better yet a raise. Men don’t walk around talking about everything that’s wrong with them, and we should stop immediately. Our level of self-confidence affects everything from the jobs we get to the men we attract.

You would have a better body.

Going to the extremes to look good is what we do. We consider every detail and check out every angle. If we can slip it on, brush it on, spray it on or sit in a chair and have it done to us, we’re all game. A lot of us will even damn near starve to shed a few pounds. But of all of the things women are willing to do, for many, exercise regularly just isn’t one of them. No, all men aren’t in shape, but the average guy is more physical than many of us. So the next time you see a guy cycling, jogging or headed to the gym, let it be inspiration.

You would have more money, less junk.

Granted, guys don’t normally wear eyeshadow and fingernail polish. But if they did, they wouldn’t buy 30 different shades. Women are sold on the idea of needing a lavish variety of everything—shoes, purses, jewelry, whatever. Having different shades or designs of this or that doesn’t make you a better woman, it drains your bank account and leaves you with a lot stuff taking up unnecessary space.

You would have better friendships.

Guys don’t feel the need to scratch friendships off the list because they have a girlfriend or child. They’re willing to juggle different types of relationships and believe that’s the way a healthy life should be. But women are all too eager to sacrifice their friendships for a man or child. Ladies, it doesn’t win you a badge of honor; it only leads to neglect and an imbalanced life. You need your girls.

Your career would be in a better place.

Men earn more, get more promotions and hold higher positions. That’s largely because they are considered more responsible, more reliable and more dedicated to the job. Men don’t declare that they’ll never be able to work a minute past five because family comes first or daycare charges extra for late pickups. Too often women claim they’re equally good workers but make it clear they have other priorities—kids, husband, sick parents. Your boss doesn’t want to hear that and he doesn’t want to feel like you put your job second or third, even if you do. If you want to climb the ladder faster and make more money, start acting like a focused, no-nonsense professional.

10 Ways to Get the Scoop on His/Her Finances

You’re dating someone and you don’t want to directly ask about money.

Or maybe you’ve asked and that special someone refuses to tell you. But it’s eating you up and you really want some insight on his or her finances, especially if you two are going to continue seeing each other. So what should you do? Investigate, of course!

(And yes fellas, these tips work equally well for you. We just wrote about guys for simplicity’s sake.)

1. Tally up his bills.

You may be unable to figure out exactly what he’s spending each month, but with some basic information and a little patience, you can get a rough idea.

If he lives in an apartment, either pick up an apartment guide or visit the rental company’s website to check out the rent. If he’s a homeowner, use online tools to estimate the current value and mortgage on his house. And use online calculators to estimate his car payments and insurance. Check the local rate for personal property taxes and figure out how much extra he’s dishing out each year. For miscellaneous bills, like garage parking and his gym membership, call, act like a potential customer and get the rates.

2. Show interest in his routine to learn about his spending habits.

Does he grab coffee on the way to work and hit the bar when he gets off? Is he always on the go– dining out, hanging out, shopping and traveling? Ok, where? Does he have pricey hobbies like playing golf and poker? Does he buy all the latest video games and have every gadget known to man?

If his lifestyle involves constant spending he either has a fat salary or his priorities are in the wrong place. Make small talk about saving money or contributing to your 401(k) to see where his head is at.

3. Pick up clues from how he pays bills.

Instead of paying his electric bill, he “pays on it.” His car payment is due but he says it’s okay because “it’s not really late until after the grace period.” He has final requests for payment and disconnection notices laying around. And you’ve noticed he’s always pressed to pay something at the last minute. This guy is either barely making ends meet or he’s terrible at managing money. Either way, it’s a bad sign.

4. Paper or plastic?

If he usually spends cash or uses a bank card, he’s probably living within his means. So, a comfortable lifestyle suggests he has a comfortable income. If he’s always using credit cards, all you can really tell is he’s currently living within his credit limit. Watch out for excessive credit card use. Your man could be deep in debt and eventually be unable to maintain his lifestyle.

5. Get the full view.

Does he have a nice car with a top-of-the-line stereo system but hardly any gas? Does he have a luxury apartment filled with crates and hand-me-down furniture? Is he always dressed to impress but bumming cigarettes and drinks? Don’t be get too wrapped up in how much he’s spends in one area of his life. Look at his overall standard of living. If it’s inconsistent, he has financial issues.

6. What’s cooking ?

Learn to read his fridge. A decent quantity and mixture of food says he earns at least enough to take reasonable care of himself and he’s probably somewhat responsible with his money. Premium brands and gourmet foods are signs of disposable income and comfort. But if you all you ever see is cheap crap—instant noodles, hot dogs, fish sticks—or there’s never any food around, that suggest he’s struggling.

7. Take a potty break.

Look around his bathroom. As men become financially stable they become more particular about grooming. If a guy’s daily regimen seems to only involve cheap body wash, a plastic razor and deodorant, it’s safe to assume he doesn’t have much extra money. If he has salon-quality hair care, a line of facial products, an electric shaver and he’s upgraded from body spray to cologne, he’s at least doing okay.

8. Look for the basics.

We’ve all forgotten to stop and get the toilet paper or dish detergent. But if he’s using cooking oil as body oil and old t-shirts as napkins, chances are he isn’t forgetful or frugal, he’s barely scraping by.

9. Watch for beggars and borrowers.

Take notice of how often family and friends call for money. If your man’s the go-to guy for people in need, he’s probably either earning a decent living or has a nice stash. But recognize the risk. A begging family could eventually strain his finances or cause him to be tight-fisted with you.

10. What do you think receipts are for?

For sneaky people like you! Keep your eyes open for all evidence of financial transactions, from bank deposits to convenience store receipts. You can learn a lot.

8 Bad Relationship Habits You Learned From Your Parents

Like it or not, our parents leave their marks on us.

They influence our eating, parenting, work habits and our opinions about life. And though it may be the last thing you want to hear, they also influence our relationships. But everything we learned from our elders isn’t right or good, especially when it comes to dealing with significant others.

If you’re having problems in your relationship, it may be time to take a look at your home training.

You think you’re always right. You may have grown up with one parent always having the final say. Now, you want to be the head honcho. Well, sorry to inform you so many years later, but no one is always right or entitled to have their way. Not your mother, not your father and not you. Relationships are about compromise and partnership.
You believe men should pay. A lot of us saw men as money titans when we were kids. Men paid the bills, wined and dined women and even kicked out spending money. And some us still believe men should still play that role. Reality check: Things have changed and the average guy simply doesn’t have it like that to foot all the bills all the time. The cost of living is going up but salaries aren’t’ rising nearly as fast. Meanwhile, more women are working more lucrative jobs, and the pay gap between the sexes is closing. So it’s time to snap out of the past and recognize women need to pitch in.
You have an old-fashioned view about a “real” man or woman. Your mother doesn’t drink or cuss. She wears knee-length skirts and either knits or goes to church to clear her head. Your dad’s idea of hanging with the guys is playing cards or watching football in the basement. He wouldn’t dare peek at Playboy, much less go to a club. And you’re looking for a “real” man or woman too. We can all agree that respectable men and women should carry themselves a certain way, but we’re in the 21^st century. Expecting your partner to mimic your parents’ conservative traits is absurd. And honestly, it’s probably boring.
The silent treatment works. Granted, sometimes a dispute gets too heated and you need a little time to step away and simmer down. But overall, silence can’t solve anything. If you really want to work things out, and keep them working, you have to keep the lines of communication open.
What happens in your household should stay in your household. A code of silence is how ordinary people become victims. We’ve all seen shows where a relationship is going terribly wrong. The situation is spiraling further and further out of control, but one partner is determined to handle it alone. We, the viewers, can clearly see that this want-to-be-savior is in over his/her head. And once all hell breaks loose, family and friends are shocked by what comes to light. Don’t be naive. If bad things (domestic violence, addiction, illegal activities) are going on in your house, it’s not noble or loyal to keep it behind closed doors. Get out and get help.
Mistaking toxic behavior for the “ups and downs” of a normal relationship. Constant arguing, excessive jealousy, explosive tempers, and a partner who disappears for hours or days—you may have seen some or all of these things growing up. If so, you probably believe it’s just what happens in relationships. Yeah… dysfunctional relationships, not normal healthy realtionships. If you grew up constantly exposed to volatile or dysfunctional relationships, you need to learn to identify toxic behaviors.
Insisting you stay together for the kids. When a relationship is over mentally and emotionally it’s time to end it officially. A lot of times when people insist it’s necessary to stay together for the kids’ sake, they’re lying. The real motive is fear. One person is afraid of being abandoned or having to tell friends and family, so the kids become a tool for creating guilt. This tactic is extremely outdated. And actually, living together with a broken relationship isn’t good for children. Parents can break up and both parties can still have a strong relationship with their children if they’re mature and willing.
Good parents don’t date. If you have a child and your relationship with the other parent doesn’t work out, you’re not sentenced to a life of loneliness. There’s nothing natural or normal about swearing off relations with the opposite sex for the sake of good parenting. Remember, one of the things kids learn from their parents is how to handle relationships. That’s a lesson you can’t teach if you spend your life living like a nun.

Is It Foul to Break Up Because He’s Broke?

It used to be clear that a good man was one who could provide. And guys were proud to be crowned the best men because they could offer a good life.

Now, we’re in some strange, distorted place in time where people say things like, “Love is all that matters.??? Women who focus on finances are called tramps and gold diggers and guys supposedly deserve a shot no matter their circumstances.

And what makes this trend so strange is it’s popular to act like men should be judged by everything except money, but most people don’t believe it. In a recent Credit Donkey survey, where people where able to be honest yet remain anonymous, most men and women admitted money could make or break a relationship.

Money matters. And it’s time we start having honest conversations about it. Is it possible to love a man who’s broke? Sure it is. And if that’s what you want to do, best wishes!

But when a man’s broke are you less of woman if you want to ditch him? Well, that depends on the circumstances.

He acted like money ain’t a thing, but really it is.

Say, you meet this guy. He drives a nice car, takes you out to pricey restaurants and clubs. He gives you money and buys you gifts. But it’s a front. The car belongs to somebody else. And when he was spending like it wasn’t a thing, it really was. He doesn’t have it like that. He was maxing out credit cards or spending the little change he saved up. But now he can’t keep up the act.

Obviously he knew what your standards were when he met you. He tried to pretend that he could meet them, but he can’t. That’s not your fault, it’s his. You didn’t create the problem, he did.

He started out being deceptive and deception tends to backfire. It’s the way of the world. You have no reason to lower your standards or expectations. And you have no reason to feel bad about leaving him. You didn’t want a broke man before and you still don’t.

Your man has fallen on hard times.

Relationships, the real thing, involve good and bad, ups and downs. If your man is going through a rough patch—he lost his job, he’s caring for a sick family member, etc—you should have his back, especially if he’s been supporting you or spoiling you till now.

A man you care for isn’t just a financial resource to be disposed of when the funds run low. Acting that way is self-centered and disloyal. Instead of thinking about bailing, you should reassure him, stick by his side, alleviate some of his financial burden and support efforts to get back on his feet.

However, situations like this aren’t black and white.

Say your man embraces the downturn as his new reality. It’s obvious he isn’t trying to pull out of the slump, and it doesn’t looking like he’s going to. He’s basically offering you a new man living on new terms. And if you want to leave, you’re justified. You shouldn’t have to suffer for life or downgrade your lifestyle because he’s content being broke.

You decided a broke man isn’t your style after all.

You knew from the beginning your was no Mr. Money Bags. He’s just a guy living paycheck to paycheck. But now that you’ve tasted the struggle, you’ve decided it just isn’t your cup of tea.

Well, at least you gave it an honest shot. And you may have made some good memories. But if you want better and it doesn’t look like it’s going to come from his direction, you should move on. That’s what dating is about, testing the waters to see what does or doesn’t work.

But don’t make a habit of getting with guys and wringing weak pockets then dipping on them. That’s not cool and it’s certainly not classy.

And if you’re discontent because your girls have hooked up guys who have money or you have an admirer who’s flashing cash, BE CAREFUL! You may think you want to upgrade, but you may regret leaving your man later.

It boils down to this: If you’re really unhappy, you’re going to make your man unhappy. And if there’s no happiness there’s really no point in being together. It may seem like a break up will crush him but prolonging a dead-end relationship is much worse. No one really wants to be with someone who doesn’t want him. So, if money has fizzled the flame, move on. Once your man’s heart and ego recover, you’ll both be glad it’s over.

7 Reasons Your Man's Attention Is Straying

You used to be the center of his attention. Where you went, he was eager to follow. When you were across the room, his eyes were on you, all over you, in fact. When you text or called, you got an immediate response.

Then things changed. He doesn't respond as fast. When you talk, a lot of times, he isn't paying attention. You see him checking out other women. When you're around his body language and attitude say, Whatever! But he seems so happy to be around his friends.

Wondering what happened?

1. You let yourself go.

You changed, and not for the better. You went from a size 4 to 14. You used to go to the salon every week, wear sexy clothes and rock the hell out of some stilettos. You used to be outgoing and fun. You were the girl other guys wanted and your man was proud. Now, all your man sees is you sitting around with a sloppy ponytail and sweats. TV and social media are your life. The things he was attracted to have vanished. You're still the woman, just not the one he met.

And please, don't even start with “he should love me no matter what.” Everyone has preferences. If you were what your man liked and now you're something different, you opened the door for distractions.

2. You're smothering him.

Too much of anything becomes a bad thing, even when it's you. Seeing you, being around you and talking about the day's events used to be exciting. Now, it's like a requirement.

You treat him like a captive and you interrogate him about every move he makes. Of course, he's starting pull away. He's desperate for some freedom. Your man is looking for a companion, not a shadow and not a parole officer. Give him some space for god's sake.

3. He's tired of the drama.

With you, there's always a problem. You're loud, rude and you create scenes in public. You’re always rolling your neck, waving your fingers and telling someone off. When you can't get the spotlight that way, you're stirring up some drama. You're working so hard trying to be the center of attention and all the while your man is realizing you requires too much energy. He's getting burnt out and more mellow chics are starting to catch his eye.

4. You're nagging him.

You're just as bad or worse than his mother. You're always telling him what he needs to do and reminding him what he hasn't done. You're constantly complaining and whining about what he could do or should do better, and it's really getting on his last nerve. If there's one thing men hate, it's nagging. When a man starts to view you like a mosquito constantly buzzing around his head, chances are he'll start fantasizing about hassle-free hook-ups.

5. He's tired of you withholding sex.

So you get mad or you really, really want your way and you refuse to have sex. Some people claim sex shouldn't ever be used as weapon. But we've all used it, and the reality is that it's one of the best weapons women have. But make no mistake, withholding sex is a weapon that should be used carefully. Turning your man down too often or holding out for too long can backfire.

6. You're living like singles.

You and your man love each other, trust each other, and live by the motto “you only get one life, so live it to the fullest.” You're both very social. You like drinking, partying and meeting new people. You're always out, and you're down to go wherever the party leads—bars, night clubs strip clubs, wherever! There's nothing wrong with enjoying your life but you aren't acting like adults in a committed relationship. You're acting like kids turned loose for the first time. You're both negligent and irresponsible and you're leaving too much room for unnecessary interference.

7. Frankly, you're not the only apple in the orchard.

Women are trying harder than ever to be eye candy. Men are bound to notice. If they didn't, what would be the point, right? Be honest: Even you like to turn heads and enjoy that lusty leer over the rim of a guy's glasses. And you know you've seen guys worthy of a second (and maybe third) look. It's natural and normal to look at the opposite sex, and to like what you see sometimes. That doesn't mean you're planning to ditch your mate. If you stay on top of your game, you don't have to worry about your man admiring women in the field, as long as he isn't gawking.