COURTNEY, Author at Pucker Mob

How I started hating you.

I remember this day quite clearly, we were fighting once again because you swore I was flirting with someone else.

I was packing my stuff to leave and for you that was not fast enough. You came in the closet and pushed me. When I sat on the bed crying you grabbed me by my wrists and tossed me to the side. But you weren’t done there. That’s when you decided it’d be funny to pick me up and act as though you were going to throw me down the stairs.

That was just the first night it all started. That night I wanted to hate you, but I hated myself more.

The night I started hating you was the night you told me to kill myself. That was the night that all my emotions were hate for you. And you kept making it worse.

I kept telling myself as long as I didn’t make you mad we’d be fine. But not making you mad was harder then trying to catch a rainbow. I started hating myself after I spent countless nights praying to god that he would get me through whatever incident happened.

So by the night when you called me 12 times and texted me 20 and had shown up at my house beating at my door. Only for me to finally wake up and answer for you to out your hands around my neck because I was obviously with a guy and that’s why I didn’t answer. By that night I forgot what love even was.

And then the last night, the night you told me you did all those things just to scare answers out of me. That night I freed myself. Because that night I realized you knew it was wrong but you found humor in my terror and nothings funny about that.

I always told myself I’d never let that happen to me but somehow I let it. And I know tons of girls are just like me in that way.

No one really talks about how you hate yourself after going through that. But that’s the worse hate. You feel alone because no one understands. You feel helpless, and dependent. You feel like you’re not in your skin. But I pray someday I will make it without replaying one of those memories in my head everyday.

Because I know you carry no regret for the things you did to me. I look back and think about the times you put me through hell and realize you don’t care because you somehow justify it to make it okay.

The day I started hating you wasn’t the best day of my life because I still thought of you. The day I let you go was the best day of my life.

"Skinny Shaming" is so real.

Before I even start this article I want to first off state that I’m perfectly aware of fat shaming and how it is in no way shape or form right. I hate when people insult girls with curves. So don’t in any way take this article as me bashing you.

But the problem with skinny shaming is that no one accepts that it’s a thing. People see it as a compliment to tell me that I need to eat more. They think it’s okay to say that I’m “skin and bones”.

A week ago I was in the hospital due to extremely low blood sugars. And my doctors response was, why aren’t you eating? When I responded with I eat all the time and proceeded to say exactly what I had that day he said okay but how much of it did you actually eat. You cant starve yourself and expect not to pass out.

Its not just doctors, it’s everyone. It’s the people that say hun, you might need someone a little bit bigger to pick that up for you I don’t want you to hurt yourself your just so tiny. It’s belittling.

What makes it worse is people think it’s okay. To skinny shame but not fat shame. People preach about fat shaming and they should. No one should be put down for how much they weigh. But the fact that it’s “okay” for you to say I need to eat acouple of cheeseburgers but it’s not okay for me to say maybe you need to go for a run is awful.

Skinny shaming is looked over because people a lot of the times see the things they say as compliments to the people they’re saying them about or to. But it’s not. It’s just as hurtful.

Trust me, if I could gain enough weight to have curves I would so love that. Society tells me that no one wants a girl with no curves. If I could gain weight by eating a cheeseburger I’d eat 50 a day. But it doesn’t work like that.

What really sucks about this is, some people are going to take this as me bragging about being skinny. And it’s not that at all. It’s that fact that I think everyone is beautiful and I hate that skinny shaming isn’t seen and being just as bad as fat shaming.

Always remember you are beautiful no matter what color, size, or age. You are unique and you can not let people or there words bring you down. You are special and you are beautiful never forget.

A Day in the Life of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

When I was with you…

I didn’t post pictures of myself because in your eyes that was slutty. I didn’t talk to my guy friends because they all clearly wanted in my pants.

If I stayed late at work it obviously meant I was actually flirting with someone else. I was always worried about how long it would take me to get home because you use to time me and if it took me too long I was clearly out seeing someone.

With you… I didn’t hangout with my friends because lord knows there was boys there and I was obviously flirting with them. I didn’t dare disagree because I was dumb and you were ALWAYS right. I wasn’t allowed to be mad if you were out until 4 am and smelled of alcohol and smoke.

When I was with you…

I wasn’t allowed to be mad that you had girls kissing your cheek on Snapchat. I wasn’t allowed to say anything about the pictures of you and another girl. I wasn’t allowed to freak out on you for texting a girl. I couldn’t do that because it was nothing or I was overreacting. I wasn’t allowed to have a voice and if I did I was obviously wrong.

I believed you when you said you didn’t cheat on me even though I had been cheated on in every serious relationship I had ever been in and I knew the signs.

With you… I had to tell you that I looked at other guys and flirted with them bc if not you were going to make me walk 30 miles to get home. You swore I was talking to someone else and when I said I wasn’t, you were going to make me jump out of a moving vehicle. And when I refused you waited until we were in the middle of nowhere and pulled over and through my stuff in a field and told me to tell you the truth or else you were going to take my phone and make me walk home.

When I was with you… I told everyone that my relationship was healthy. But to everyone else it was toxic and I never saw it; I never wanted to.

I told myself you loved and that you cared. But you didn’t. There’s a fine line between abuse and you being angry. And you crossed it many times I just never noticed it until now.

So without you… I may be free but I am not fixed.

Without you… I may see all the bad but I still love you. And that’s the painful thing about this all.

Dad, I Really Wish Heaven Had a Phone So I Could Ask You This

Dear Dad,

There are many things I would like to ask you, but since you are unreachable this is the best I can do.

I have asked myself the same questions over and over since you died and I wish you were here to tell me the answers.

Maybe then I could find some kind of peace.

You’ve had birthdays in heaven, so what is it like? Do you get cake? Do they have gifts? Do you make a wish for me every year on my birthday?

When I was younger I used to think that storms and rain were gods crying or showing their anger to the world. Can you still get angry in heaven? Do you fight?

I always hear things like “I know they’re not here, but they’re watching over you from heaven.” But my question is, are you really?

Are you doing your best to prevent bad things from happening to me? And, if so, do you realize how bad of a job you’re doing? Do you feel guilty?

My biggest questions are not those, though.

My most important questions all start with why. Why would you decide to throw your life away?

Why did you not fight to live? Why couldn’t you just try for once? You drank your life away and didn’t care about the affects, why did you only care about yourself?

How are you okay with not being there for my graduation day? How are you okay with not dancing with me at my wedding and walking me down the aisle?

Those are questions I would ask you if only heaven could be reached by phone, because you left me with too many things unanswered.

To My Bestie, Long Distance Sucks but You'll Always Be My Rock

You always hear stories about long distance relationships but never about long distance friendships.

I would first off like to thank you, for always being available for a texting rant or a random phone call just because.

I would like to say thank you for not always needing me to talk to you all the time but still knowing that I am here.

Thank you for listening to stories that have nothing to do with you and are about people you have never even met.

Thank you for all the time we have spent together since I have moved away. And thank you for not making us a statistic and for toughing out this distance.

Next, I would like to say that the distance has made me realize many things about our friendship. I value it more now then I ever have.

I have realized that somehow over all of the years of our friendship you have become my rock. You have become my backbone. I feel weaker and smaller when I don't talk to you or see you in awhile. I am not myself with out you. And it is sort of crazy to think. Just know I would not be me without you. I notice myself saying things to other people that you always say. I tell stories about something we have done and start dying laughing and realize that other people just don't understand.

I want you to know that you are one of a kind. And although I know being apart sucks I also know that it makes the times that we have together that more important. You have been my rock since day one and I'm so glad you still are. You will always be my best friend no matter how far we may wonder. I will never find another human as special as you.

Love,

Your long distance best friend. XO