Author: Nicholette Pennington

I can’t stand when I tell someone I’m a mom and they say, “Oh, so are you working or stay at home?”

…Excuse me? That's what I want to say out of my mouth however my facial expression usually says it for me first. 

When did we as a society decide to label mothers into two categories: stay at home and working moms?

It's not as simple as one woman stays in their safety of their home all day long waiting hand and foot on their child while the other woman works extremely hard in an office then comes home to just put her child to bed. 

Just because I don’t get a paycheck each week and I am with my children the entire day doesn’t limit me to be a 'stay at home' mom.

Newsflash, I actually leave my house with my children, contrary to popular belief that I 'stay at home'. Where ever I go, my kids go. 

I go to the grocery store with them, play dates with them, run errands with them and I leave my home with them. Does that sound like someone that just 'stays at home' to you?

Calling me a Stay at Home Mom is pretty offensive actually. It implies that I sit on my couch all day while with my children and eat candy or read magazines. 

It implies that I don't work at all. That I never take them out of the home and we don’t do things all day long. 

And the truth is, that is the furthest thing from the truth and if you spent even one morning with us you would see that staying at home is the last thing we do.

You guys, moms that are with their children all day and moms that go outside of the home to a job are no different from each other. 

We aren’t Stay at Home Moms or Working Moms so stop giving us titles or limiting us with labels. 

We both work, we both leave the home and we both have really important jobs. More importantly at the end of the day, we are both moms, no extra wording needed.

To the Young Lady At The Grocery Store,

I know it's part of the job to make small talk while bagging my groceries. I enjoy it because most days my conversations are only with those between the ages of 6-2. Today however you went beyond the small talk. Without hesitation you told me how pretty I looked tonight and completely caught me off guard. 

You didn't know I was wearing the same outfit I wore yesterday. You didn't care that my makeup is going on two days old and I just keep layering on concealer. You didn't look to see or care that my hair is layered in dry shampoo. You had no idea I was running on only a few hours of sleep from a little one being up all night and another early riser. That the black circles under my tired eyes are in fact not a new makeup trend. 

You didn't know that walking in the store I in fact realized I was wearing the same outfit I wore yesterday AND I came in this same grocery store. I felt self conscious coming in and almost went out of my way to the other store. 

So to the young lady at the grocery store, thank you.

Thank you for taking the time to tell a tired Mom how pretty they look. Thank you for going beyond the small talk tonight and making me walk out of the grocery store in my two day old outfit, three day old makeup, dry shampoo hair with my head held high and a smile on my face. 

Most importantly thank you for being confident enough to help lift someone else up. 

You rock and your parents rock for raising you that way 

If I could sit down beside the 25 year old me. The one sobbing and screaming uncontrollably on the floor the day my ?Mom died I would have a lot of things to tell her.

The 25 year old me is screaming, "Why her?!?" and "Where are YOU?! How did you just disappear?!" and "How am I going to survive this without you??"

I would just hug her, so tight.

"You are going to feel like you can't breathe some days" I tell the 25 year old me. Some days the weight of ?grief and life without her is going to feel so heavy you'll think you can't carry it any longer. At times you will feel like it consumes your days and nights, just thinking about her, missing her, aching for her.

I'll hug 25 year old me even tighter when I say this next.

I tell her, "Then one day soon, something beautiful will happen. You will be me and I sit here with you today, five years later with a smile on my face and a joy that I never thought I would have when I was you five years ago."

"Yes, some days will feel ultimately impossible to survive, you'll survive them anyway. Some days you will get through without crying and other days you will wonder if you spent one second not crying."

"Just remember, it doesn't matter how you get through, it just matters that you get through it because that's the only way to do this whole grief thing is to go through it. You can't wish days away and skip to five years down the road, you'll want to but you can't."

"So, new grief stricken me, your going to feel like this will be the death of you a hundred times over on this journey but in the end a new you will be born. A better version of yourself, one that is just like her."

I'm a Millennial, yes I just said it out loud. I will say I am not proud of all the character traits that comes along with saying that but I can tell you that I have found being a Millennial and dealing with grief has been a really good thing. So I will just take the good and leave the bad, making my own rules with it.

As a Millennial, we handle things completely different when it comes to grief and our feelings that our parents and grandparents. To the generations before us, it seems odd and backwards, to us it's healing. Let's be clear though, there is not a cut and dry way to deal with grief. Those before us didn't do it wrong and we are not doing it wrong. In fact, the Millennials might actually have it figured out, after all, don't we already know it all?  So here it is, the Millennials guide to grief.

1.) We Air It All-You read that right, all that "dirty laundry" we air it all out and with pride. We hide nothing and we want everyone to see it. In fact we don't really see much on the grief journey that we share as "dirty laundry" we see it as an opportunity to heal and help others heal in the process. It's not an attention seeking thing, it's that we want others to know that feelings need to be shared. Emotions should not be hidden and kept to yourself out of fear of what others may think. In fact, if a fellow Millennial sees you sharing your true emotions and feelings about grief, chances are they will encourage you to keep sharing.

2.) Don't Tell Us How To Grieve- We already have it figured out, didn't you know that? We don't need you to give us the stages of grief. We not only know what to expect, we have it mapped out our own way and what works best for us. This is actually a good thing, Millennials, myself included are showing others that it's okay to step outside of the box when it comes to grief and how it's expressed and even celebrated. From Celebrations of Life to recording your grief to share with the social media world. We've opened up a whole new level of grieving and it's not a bad thing.

3.) I Won't Apologize For It- I refuse to apologize to anyone for how I grieve or for how long I grieve. It's my grief, it's my loss, it's my person that is gone and it's my heart that is aching. I had a love for this person that you cannot understand nor do I expect you to. Therefore, my grief will look different than yours and last a different amount of time. I refuse to apologize for my grief and how I respond to it and for how long. You can't make me apologize for it either so don't even try.

4.) We Tell Grief How It's Going To Go- Millennial's don't sit back and wait for grief to creep up on them and consume our days. We don't allow grief to tell us how we are going to feel and when we are going to feel it. We tell grief how this journey is going to go because that's just how we Millennials roll. Grief trying to make me feel upset because my Mom has passed away? Hey grief, not today. Instead I am going to think about all the amazing years and memories I had with my Mom. You see, we turn the tables on grief because we are in control.

5.) Grief Becomes Our Mission-Millennials like to see things as a life mission to help others rather than a job or career. Therefore, when a Millennial becomes a griever it's our life mission to help others on the grief journey. We want to know everything about grief, how we can take control of it, what we can do about it, how we can use it to help others, how we can use our story to help others and we get out there and do it. We don't have the time to stop and think of grief as a weakness but instead we see it as a perseverance we never knew we had.

Millennials might seem entitled, might think we have it all together and know more than everyone else. However, there are some really good things about Millennial's and that is we are willing to step outside the box, support one another unconditionally and not apologize for it. That's the kind of friend you need on this grief journey.

I’ve sat in your chair at least a hundred times. I’ve sat there and at least a hundred times you’ve listened to me as I’ve shared stories about my Mom, my grief, my loss, my fears and my journey. At least a hundred times you’ve cried with me, laughed with me and hugged me when I talk about my Mom

I’ve left that chair feeling beautiful, encouraged, not alone and like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I’ve left that chair feeling normal on my grief journey. I’ve even left it stained with tears from missing her.

I’ve shared stories about her with you and it didn’t even matter that you never met her. You ask questions about her and care about her because while I’m in that chair, she becomes your Mom too.

I’ve sat in that chair on some of the hardest days in my grief journey knowing that you would never look at me any differently. Knowing I would get out of that chair and leave feeling like a better person on the inside and outside.

To my hairdresser that reminds me every time I am in that chair how proud of me my Mom would be, thank you. I know I don’t say it enough, I know most days you probably just feel like you are “just” a hairdresser but you are so much more.

To me the griever, the one you’ve walked this grief journey with for two years and loved me through it every single time I’ve been in that chair, thank you.

I don’t think you will ever know how important your job truly is and will always be.