I was raised by a strong woman. I was also raised by a narcissist. There's a lot of things that stem off from being around someone who has the tendency to only think of themselves and put the blame on other people for the things that they have done. 

I've thought long and hard about how this has made me into the person I am and how I felt growing up. Narcissism is not a very known word. When I've used it people usually ask what I mean by that. Honestly it's really hard to explain how a narcissist is, because not one is the same, but I can explain how it makes me feel.

• Inferior: Noun- a person lower than another in rank, status, or ability. You know that you aren't inferior to this person. You know that you are capable of doing anything they can, but they do such a great job at making you feel inferior to them that most the time you start to believe it.
• Confused: Adjective – unable to think clearly; bewildered. When you are ensnared by a narcissistic person, especially someone who is supposed to protect you, it can give you lots of confusion. Not only are you not sure if this is how you're supposed to be treated, but you're unaware that it's most definitely wrong because it's all you've known.
• Traumatized: Adjective – subject to lasting shock as a result of an emotionally disturbing experience or physical injury. If you're anything like me you will spend most your life feeling like there's something wrong with you. You will question yourself worth and you will always have the hurt and pain in the back of your mind with the emotional whiplash that comes from the narcissist in your life.
• Worthless: Noun – having no real value or use. I feel as though this one is self explanatory. I have to tell myself every day that I'm worth EVERYTHING, rather than worthless.

Although he made me feel those things. I've survived. I've moved on. And I've learned to really truly see people for who they are. So in a sick and twisted way he sort of taught me some valuable lessons. Some of the things that I have learned over the years of trying to connect and reconnect with the man who raised me are;

• Strength: Noun- a good or beneficial quality or attribute of a person or thing. I have learned to be strong and stand up for myself in situations I don't always feel strong. When he was cutting me down, or yelling, or manipulating, I was growing stronger every time. I don't allow him to do those things anymore.
• Broken: Adjective – having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order. Being broken by your own flesh and blood can teach you a thing or two in life. I've learned to not trust people with my heart as easily. I've also learned to seek the good in someone, even if they don't seem so great at the moment.
• Unconditional Love: Noun – affection without any limitations or love without conditions. I learned that even though these people who continue to hurt you. it's okay to continue to love them. You don't have to be there every second. You don't have to even put up with these kinds of people, but continuing to love them through it goes right back to being a strong person as well as teaching you forgiveness.
• Consciousness: Noun – the fact of awareness by the mind of itself and the world. I have become conscious of my own behavior. And have learned to steer clear of any similar attributes I see in myself. I'm more aware of how I speak to people, I'm more aware of how I react to certain situations and I've learned to adapt myself and try to be a better person.

Mental abuse is something that you'll have a lifetime dealing with. I still struggle with anxiety, and nervousness. I still struggle to understand how my own father could treat me that way. But something I've also come to terms with is that narcissism is a mental disease. They don't fully understand what they are doing, and they've convinced themselves that they aren't doing anything wrong. They'll forget things they've said, or pretend that they haven't done what you've said. They are manipulating not only you but their own mind. And there's nothing you can do about it, they can only help themselves.

Why is social media the definition of my relationship? Does it truly matter to me that much that it must define what I already know is to be good and true? I sit there and think, why doesn't he post about me?!! Why isn't there a picture on his wall of me and him? You look at his wall, you probably wouldn't ever know that he and I were together, if it weren't for my ridiculous amounts of love gushing posts that I MAKE sure I tag him in.

But when will it be okay for life to be lived outside of social media?… I grew up in the millennial generation. I’m one of THOSE people. And I grew up with a phone in my hand and love to tell myself that I can definitely live without it.

Let’s get real, I lose it for a day and my day is ruined. It dies for 20 minutes and the only thing on my mind it to find a freaking outlet to plug it in. It’s like I can’t breathe without the update of my phone buzzing in my pocket; who’s going where? Who’s baby was born this month? Who got engaged? WHO posted that hilarious video of the baby goat in pajamas?

Yet I’m not satisfied with the I love you's, the I want to be with you's, the you’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me's, on a daily basis? I hear this every day. I love hearing it, but because it’s not on Facebook, because he hasn't announced it to the world it becomes a problem for me? What the HECK is wrong with me?!

I’m honestly peeved with myself. How could I? How could I sit here and deny that this man doesn't love me, that this man isn't the man who will treat me right until the end of time? How could I!? Because he shows me day in and day out his love, his loyalty, his compassion, his heart! I see it! I feel it! I live it! When will that be enough for me?

Today. That’s when. Today I’m deciding it is. It’s enough for me. Why do I need him to show everyone everything about me on his page when the most important person to hear it IS ME. He’s already doing that. He already loves ME. In his words exactly “which one of our FRIENDS (our real life friends) doesn't already know that you and I are together?” HE’S SO RIGHT!

I don’t need Facebook to define my relationship.

I don’t need Instagram to validate that the words he says are true.

I don’t need Snapchat to remind me that he’s proud of me.

Because when we are face to face and I see his heart when he tells me everything he does to encourage me, to lift me up, to diminish my fears, and that he’s so in love with me, should be proof enough in it’s own.

"I think today women are very scared to celebrate themselves, because then they just get labeled." — Charlize Theron

At 5, a little girl has an innocent look on life. 

At 5 I was riding my bike, playing with friends outside, making forts and mud pies, fishing for worms in the gutters after it rained just so I could put them in my moms garden. I didn't care about whether I was a boy or a girl, black or white, small or big. I just wanted to have fun and I did. 

At 16, an adolescent teen is trying to survive.

At 16 I was wondering who I was. How old I would be when I had kids, what guy would be the "one" for me, how to put on makeup, and how to keep up with the rest of the girls my age who were always so much prettier, smaller, taller, funnier, more composed, and better. I tried my hardest to fit in crowds that really weren't even cool to begin with, just a perception. 

At 21, a lady is figuring out her place in this world.

At 21 I was a woman, I was a wife, and I was a mom. I don't necessarily feel like 21 is the right age to be those things, but it happened and there's no changing that. At 21 I feel like that is the age to really truly find yourself and who you want to be. You get to experience life, you get to experience being around adults and finding your limit. I didn't get that at 21. I skipped that stage and sometimes I really don't know if I ever truly found myself. I was so consumed on what my baby needed or what my husband needed that I didn't even take time to see or know what I needed.

What did I like to do? I mean.. I stay at home all day long and clean, I know I don't like cleaning. I know I don't like dreading when he came home to yell at me because the house was a wreck and I was still in my pajamas. I know I didn't like the depression looming over my head. What did I like?

I liked freedom. I liked open air. I liked places I could escape the havoc and just be me. 

But who was I really? I didn't even know. If I sat quiet enough to be in my brain, it felt empty. My name didn't feel like mine, it wasn't. My body didn't feel like mine, it wasn't. My words didn't feel like mine, they weren't. My friends didn't seem like mine, they weren't. What was mine?

When you lose yourself, how do you really, truly find yourself again?

Honestly, I didn't. I am no where near the same person I was 5 even 10 years ago. I was child, a teen, a woman and now I'm a mom. Although I don't let that define me as a person anymore, that IS what I am. Change happens, I won't be the same person 5 years from now as I am today. 

As a kid I struggled to understand the concept that, it is okay to change. It's okay to lose yourself and try to find yourself again. That's life; and I am learning to love myself in every stage of it.

 I know what I love, I have my own friends, I'm learning to love my body and to love my heart. I'm learning to fix mistakes. I'm learning that I am me and I know who I am. And you know what? It's pretty spectacular.

“Any boy can make a baby, but it takes a real man to be a daddy… And when mommy and daddy together don’t work, it takes a real woman, no matter how bad she is hurt, to put aside her personal issues, not interfere, and allow that man to be that daddy.” – Unknown

Many times people ask me if we get along. My answer is always a BIG resounding no, followed by an eye roll and a head shake. Sometimes I wish my answer could be different, not for my sake, if it were just me and you I would have nothing to do with you. But it’s not just me and you. We created life together….

Two beautiful, tiny, innocent little beings. They are wonderful and without you I wouldn’t have the joy to call them mine. They bring me so much life, love and laughter. I couldn’t imagine my world without them. It saddens me to think that they won’t have their mom and dad together. My heart wishes it were different for them. They deserve the best, and I admit the best would be me and you together. How could I though?

You were a good boyfriend. I loved you with my whole being. You were what I thought I needed in a man, but boy was I wrong…. You were okay in the beginning, I just thought it was us trying to adjust to our life together. Being newlyweds was hard enough, but with the pressures of having a little one on the way, I think you caved. You didn’t help me. You didn’t try. And with all my hurt and anger and resentment, you are still an AMAZING dad.

You love those kids. How could you not? You’ve seen them! I can guarantee they bring you the same amount of joy to you, as they do me. I know you cherish your time with them. 

You soak it in as much as you can. 

You teach them. 

You’re raising them to be decent people and to change this world. 

I will thank you a thousand times over for that.  Now, as much as a wonderful dad you are it’s time for you to be a wonderful co-parent. Not for me, forget me, I mean nothing to you… But for our kids’ sake I should mean just enough to agree on parenting styles. I will never love them the way you do, only the way I do, and trust me that’s a whole lot!

You and me are different. Different thoughts, different backgrounds, different lives, but that shouldn’t stop us from becoming a dynamic team and creating the most comfortable life for our kids. They come first. It’s not about you or me anymore, we aren’t the important ones. They are. 

I know you think you’re protecting them. You aren’t. If you try to alienate them from me because you don’t “agree” with my life choices, you are not doing them any favors. If you try to belittle me so they don’t want to be around me anymore, or think I’m some awful person because I decided to leave their dad, you are not helping them, you are hurting them. 

I hope some day you see soon that in the best interest for our kids, you have to suck it up and help me raise up those precious souls. I did.. And trust me you aren’t my cup of tea.

We have a job to do. And even though you drive me batty sometimes, my heart is connected to you forever because of those babies.. I will always care for you, your health, and your well-being. 

Moving on will happen. There will be another man for me and another woman for you. I hope one day you find someone who treats you great, who loves you for you, not only that, but loves our kids and is willing to co-parent them along side us. I will have a deep love for the woman who steps up beside you to rear our kids. When or if she comes, I will tell her that. I’ll greet her with a smile and lovingly tell her thank you. Thank you for loving my babies, and their daddy. Thank you for doing the bravest thing I’ve ever witnessed.

I hope you see it the same way, instead of it being a threat. With all that said, to me you are the best dad for our kids…. No one will take that from you. Just aid us in trying to do the hardest job on this planet. How lucky will our kids be to have more people who love them?

“The goal of parenting shouldn’t be to prepare children to withstand the world, but to grow children who will change the world.” 

With love always,

Your Kids’ Mom.

I sit here wondering what words I can use to describe the pain I feel when I see your face. I know you made your decision. I know you don’t want me. 

You threw me away as if I were nothing to you, but you meant everything to me.

I watched as you posted pictures of her. Her name still ringing in my head. You know she messaged me… You know she knows about me, but when were you going to tell me about her? Now, of all times? 

“Oh yeah, her…. I’m going to break up with her, I promise. It’s you. She’s nothing.” You would say that over and over and I believed you. 

“She’s nothing.” 

If she were nothing then why’d you block me from social media? Why are my friends coming over with screenshots of her face on your Instagram with a caption of “I love you”. 

You know what? I thought I did love you. Why are you constantly posting pictures of you with her on Facebook? I don’t think you understand me when I say, you meant everything to me.

I guess I just wasn’t enough for you. That’s ridiculous of me to say, is that what you want me to believe? I’m worthless? Not enough? 

My friends don’t like you. They tell me time and time again. They say you’re no good for me. If they say that then why can’t I let go? Why do I continue to torture myself?

There are times when I’m okay. I can handle it, I’ve let go, moved on. Those are my favorite times. I’m back to my old self, I can laugh genuinely and know that things are going to be okay. 

There are dark times too… I don’t want to get out of bed. All I want to do is cry and have you hold me, dance with me, kiss me. What good would that do for me? 

It would be dumb of me to want that back but, I. Still. Do.

I believed everything you fed me. The lies, the deceit, the trash. I wanted what you were saying to be true so bad that I was blinded from the obvious. Even though people told me, even though I knew it and it was all right in front of me, I gave you the benefit of the doubt and you destroyed me. 

I hope you know, I don’t trust you. I’m trying to let you go but, like I’ve said before….. 

You meant everything to me.

But, watch me as I walk away.

Alaska… Many of you think of it as a desolate tundra, polar bears, penguins (by the way they live on the opposite end of the earth), cold, dark and snowy. Okay so maybe some of that is true… It is desolate, in some areas. There are polar bears, WAY up north and usually people don't run into them. It's cold, at times. Dark, during the winter. And snowy only about 9 months out of the year.

There's another side of it that people don't hear about. There's almost a majestic feel about it. Not only are you locked in by ocean but as well as the mountains, the mountains almost imprison you. Sometimes you feel closed in and other times you feel completely free. It's irony at it's best. A love hate relationship if you will.

I've spent 23 years in this place. I've called Alaska my home. I don't know anything else… Because of that I've gained a craving to wander. To see things that I've never seen before. My soul longs for the heat of the sun, yet my feet remain planted in the soil of this frozen place.

You become addicted almost, to the thought of leaving that you don't truly appreciate the beauty encapsulated around you. Who can say they've seen brown bears in their backyard? Or that they've fed a moose off your front porch. Watched a lynx snatch a rabbit out your window? Seen the sun sink behind the mountains yet the sky remains lit throughout the night. Been mesmerized by the Northern Lights and sat under them. A traffic jam in Alaska is when a moose crosses the freeway and all of our residents, even though they probably saw the same one the day before, stops to take a picture. Things that people don't even know they want to see are things that happen to me daily.

Yet even though I can appreciate the amazing qualities of this place, I still have the urge to jump. I want to drive 4 hours and be in a different state instead of a tiny ass town that no one outside of Alaska can pronounce. I want to see trees that tower over my head and I can drive through! I want to breathe in the salty air of the east coast beaches and dance in the sand. 

Someone with a wandering soul dreams and almost eat, sleep, breathes these dreams, but are afraid to lose the feeling of being grounded, and having a home. 

Living in one of the most sought after tourist places causes ones heart to stretch farther than the imaginable. If you understand me, your soul is a sojourner just as mine. And maybe one day I'll feed my cravings, but until then I'll remain embedded in this place of enchantment.

Honestly, there are things that we never expected would happen in our lives. 

And when things go south we ask ourselves, "Why did life hand me this platter?" "Where was that "fairy tale" that all of us little girls dreamed of?"  

We think we have all the odds and ends of each day laid out on a little piece of paper. But then we realize it's just scribbles and chaos. 

You never really know someone until they reveal their true self. I live by that now.

He was smart, kind, handsome and everything I hoped for in a man, but that's how they get you. And once you're theirs they cause you to believe that you can't live without them.

And I couldn't. At least I thought I couldn't…

Whoever came up with the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but, words will never hurt me" hasn't ever felt the way words can truly break a person. 

Standing alone in that empty house repeating over and over:

"You're psychotic". 

"You are worthless". 

"You'll never find someone who will love you the way that I do."

"Your anxiety isn't real. Knock it off."

Ringing. My head spins as I sit there crying telling myself over and over again that it'll be okay. I just have to make myself better, maybe he's right. I am crazy.

And if I could just get a better hold on my anxiety, our entire relationship would be so much easier. 

I can make him happy, I just need to try harder. What would I be without him? Who would I come home to?

No.

When you start to give into their abuse is when you actually do turn crazy.

You're crazy to think you're not enough. 

You're crazy to think you don't deserve a love that will build you up.

You're crazy to think you aren't worth someone who knows your value.

You ARE valuable. You ARE worthy. You ARE strong. And you don't deserve the abuse.

Trust me when I tell you, life after the abuse is a learning curve. 

You'll have trust issues. You may even be a bit clingy. And your heart will have a hard time opening up but I promise if you allow it, you'll find the guy who makes all the hell you went through feel like nothing but a memory. 

Because love isn't made for you to question yourself. It's meant to build you up and make you feel like with this other person, you are the best possible 'you' you could be. 

So believe me when I say you're not crazy, you're not psychotic. You have a big heart, you were put through hell by a miserable human being, and that's not your fault.

The saying got it right, 'misery loves company.' But you are not his company. He deserves no one.