It’s true what they say; you can’t be just friends with your fuck buddy.

We were just friends using each other for a good time. No strings attached, but yet the more time we spent together, the more time the wall was slowly tumbling down.

The memories came flooding back to me…

The trouble started when I went back into that bar almost a year later and saw you behind the bar slinging drinks for the crowd of people.  I was in my short black dress having a night with the girls, trying to put my past behind me.

It all ended when our eyes met.

I slid my phone across the bar after we did some small talking.  I was surprised you even gave me your number with all the girls hitting on you.

Surprise, we managed to become the best of friends. I don’t know how or why but you managed to drag me out of my shell.  I was comfortable in my darkness; my heart was cold and alone. But somehow you manage to lock that darkness away and made my heart beat again.

The curse has been lifted.

The days went by and the seasons were changing. You have seen me at my worst and you have seen me at my best, but you still have managed to stay by my side. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I am happy you became part of my life.

 As the coldness disappeared and the warm weather braced against my skin, I knew I couldn’t hide these feelings from you anymore.  I have always denied how I felt about you from the beginning, but how much longer can it last?

My feelings were growing and I had no idea how to stop it, so I went along with the butterflies. We hung out all the time, had deep conversations, and slept over each other houses becoming comfortable around each other.

Until one day we started fading away from each other. You weren’t at arm’s reach anymore; we both got busy and just lived our own lives. Things turned around again after you found out I was seeing someone else. It just happened, I wasn’t expecting it. I still had feelings for you but somehow I had feelings for this new guy as well.

I still thought about you even when I hung out with him, going on dates. You were always in the back of my mind. A part of me felt guilty in a way, even though you and I weren’t together.  I knew we would never be a couple, but I also couldn’t be just friends with you.

I wanted more than just friends who hook up every once an awhile.

Things started to feel more real as the days went on. I didn’t know how to control my feelings for you. I didn’t know how to express them or even process how I am feeling towards you. I missed you since we barely talked.  I wanted to text you saying “I ended things with him,” but I didn’t.

A part of me wanted to wait to see if you would do something or not. If this was just a competition for you, or if I am really want you want.

The day changed, when I saw you at my door. You looked nervous; you looked like you had a lot on your mind. You told me you left work because you couldn’t concentrate; you wanted to have a conversation about us.

I’m the girl who hates talking about her emotions and here was the chance where I had to speak up.  

I made you go first.

You said:  “I care about you a lot, and I think about you all the time. I want to be with you, I want to try dating. It took forever for me to realize how much I care about you, but I want us to date”

Those words hit me hard. My heart skipped a beat that I didn’t know what to do.  I was hiding behind a pillow like a little girl being shy.  That’s how you made me feel.  I hate how you made me feel, but I loved it at the same time.

Being best friends for a year, using each other for sex for a year, can we really turn this into a relationship?

I’m willing to take the risk.

I couldn’t help but kiss you like you were finally mine.

Why are you still affecting me? I told you goodbye months ago, It was never a healthy relationship; I was just living in a fantasy world.

I should have seen it from the very beginning but I was blinded by the sweet talk, the kindness you had in your eyes, the love that we had shared. But it was all a lie. It was never about love for you. It was about control.

When things were going rough, I just wanted you there to support me. But instead, you just told me that “I’m no good, that I am just a mistake.”  That wasn’t supporting me that was bullying me.  You wanted to control me in every move I make, I was suffocating.

You wouldn’t listen to the words I was telling you. You would never listen to anything I said unless it was about you. You would put on a show for me that I would fall for over and over again. We had moments together that I thought you were being real with me. You showed me love, you showed me kindness. I fell for that version of you.

Every time we would break up, I would take you back because I loved you. I loved you so much, that I even saw a future with you.  My friends and family would tell me to leave you and never look back, but I kept defending and fighting for us because I thought we had something.

All we had was lies and manipulation. I was emotional abused without even knowing it.  Until one day it finally clicked, I need to say goodbye to you forever.

It clicked that day where I wasn’t happy being with you anymore.  You came over and I ended things for once and for all. You didn’t take it lightly. You decided to bully me even more that day, taking my heart and stabbing it more.

Your words still run through my mind every day. “You are no good.” You are a slut.” You are a horrible person.”  You still have a hold on me, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why I still love you. I still don’t know why I wasted my tears on you.  

I try to move on from you, but every time I get close to somebody, I freeze. I think back to the times you were so cruel, and just wish I had never met you.

So today is the day where I let all those memories fade away. You will just be another chapter to my book, someone who taught me to stand up for myself.  I just wanted to say thank you for playing with my heart because you just made me stronger.   

I will find myself again, and this time I will be happy.

I walk to the edge of the sand, where the water meets my feet. The water is dark and icy giving me goosebumps but I don’t flinch, I embrace it. The sun is hiding behind the dark gray clouds, the birds fly above me trying to find shelter before the storm begins. I look around but nobody is lurking, it’s just me and the empty location.

I look out to the beyond; nothing is there just the deep-sea. The waves are crashing into the rocks that linger on the shore. I take a deep breath as the rain begins to pour, the strikes of lighting start dancing as the thunder becomes their soundtrack.  I walk into the deep unknown until the icy water is just below my chest. I look upon the roaring sky as the rain hits my face washing my fear away.

I walk in deeper until I can’t touch the bottom. My body begins to float, as the salt touches my wounds.

The oceans current is taking a hold on me, drifting my body further away from the shore. Only now the waves can make the decision for me.

At that moment in time… I couldn’t feel my heart hurting anymore.

I was numb.

I was just part of the ocean; I wasn’t that person who is completely broken. I didn’t feel like someone who is suffering post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety.

Empty thoughts started to cloud my mind. Am I only living to survive? Please just let me be okay, I don’t want to feel this way. This poison inside me is spreading;  I want a cure to make me feel complete again.

I want to be happy.

One day you are happy, the next your heart hurts and it doesn’t stop. Days and days of sleepless nights, fake smiles and fake laughter, endless screams.

Will this aching disappear?

My body becomes frozen, the current slows down, and my heartbeat slows down. The tears fade away; the salt water becomes a friend. You close your eyes, take a breath, and you descend under the frigid water.

It feels like a lifetime since you have been under the unknown. You feel bare hands upon your body, carrying you onto the shore. You hear whispers saying “You will be okay, keep fighting. This isn’t you, you are strong. You need to survive.”

The battle between darkness and light has ended, It's time to wake up. 

You open your eyes and gasp for air as the water drips off your clothes. You are still alone on the warm golden sand. Was this real? Did someone save me or did I save myself?

You look upon the ocean, the sun is beaming down, and the dark clouds disappear. You stand tall and face your fears.

You mumble upon your breath “I got this, I am a survivor.”

Why do people agree to be friends with benefits? I mean it can’t work, somebody will fall first and then heartbreak will come next.

So they always end up trying it out. Why not right?

When they agree to the significant other to be friends with benefits, it's either one of many reasons. But most of the reasons are that one of them just got out a relationship, or their need and wants have to be fulfilled, or they don't want to have a relationship at the moment. 

Which is completely fine, we all have those moments. 

But friends with benefits with a best friend…that can be tricky.

It starts out great, talking on the phone or text throughout the day like it has always been. Go hang out with each other, and take care of your needs.  It can be awkward at first but hey, you will slowly get over it. Laugh about it, enjoy each other’s company even more. Go out to dinner or lunch, go run errands. 

Weeks fly by and all your close friends think you are crazy for doing this. They decide to bet on who will catch feelings first, so it becomes a game to them. You just laugh and say it is not going to happen.

You two connect more and more each passing day. They are someone you have become very close with since you two have made this decision.  You realize you don’t want them out of your life. Friends with benefits can last weeks, months, sometimes it can last years, but one of you will put it to an end eventually.

The feelings flow in with no warning sign. You start looking at them differently, closely. You look into their eyes more; you want to be around them more. You start mentioning their name more or bring up a conversation to talk about them. You stare at your phone with every passing minute hoping they will contact you.

The feelings have overflowed you….

Your friends have won the bet.

Now the part where it gets hard, you need to tell them how you feel. You can’t hide it any longer even if you want too because you are afraid of what the results will be. All your friends are supporting you, telling you “You can do this,” “You guys will still be friends in the end.” But what happens if things end up being completely over?

You grow the nerve to finally talk to your crush about it. Your heart is beating out of your chest, the butterflies in your stomach are having a dance party but you manage to breathe normally.

You just blurt out the words “I like you more than a friend.” They end up taking a deep breath and it makes you more nervous. Your gut is telling you “No run away” or it’s telling you “Yes! He likes you too!” The minutes feel like they are passing by slow and you just want them to tell you right away. No more pause, just spit it out!

They look at you with those big eyes, you bite your lip, heart racing..they reach for your hand and they start spilling their emotions..

"One of the greatest problems people have with failure is that they are too quick to judge isolated situations in their lives and label them as failures. Instead, they need to keep the bigger picture in mind." – John C. Maxwell

Have you ever felt like a failure? For an example, you got an F on a test that you have been preparing for months and month and made sacrifices in your life to focus on this one big test.  You thought you did amazing, but once you got the results back, it just broke you.

Failure is hard to overcome. But nobody teaches us that failure is a success. Nobody tells you that failure is a lesson that you need to learn.  I have learned that failure should be your motivation.  Yes, I will admit that failing at anything is hard, it takes a toll on you but don’t let it. That’s where failure will win. Don’t let it consume you.

Instead, shake it off. Stand tall, shoulders back and own your failure. Grow from them, let yourself blossom like flowers bloom in the spring.  Be strong and keep pushing yourself over and over again until you succeed. It may take hours, days, months, years but it will happen. You will see success; you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Just have hope.

Just remember that you hold the key to your success. Motivate yourself; you control your mind, your thoughts. Burn the negative, and breathe in the positive.  Let the good comments, good motivation take over. 

You will smile; you will feel different. You will be positive about everything and anything.  You will be able to look at situations differently. Instead of saying “I can’t do this” say “I can do this.” Instead of people telling you “You are out of your league if you think you can do this,” say “No, I will do it, just watch.”

Drop the negative; it won’t help you succeed in life. It will just stop you from making your dreams come true.  

You are the power in changing your life.

Make it happen. Be brave, Be confident.

It can just sneak up on you without notice. You can’t help it. 

The feeling of wanting to just stay underneath the cover and never leave. Or just wanting to sink into the darkness and not let the light in.

You try to fight the darkness coming in, but your weakness overcomes you instead.

It takes a toll on you. You don’t want to do anything. You don’t know whether you should cry, scream or just lay there emotionless.  

Your friends try to help you and say the right things, but it just goes through one ear and out the other.  You just feel broken.

You can’t breathe sometimes, it feels like you are suffocating. You are so unhappy with yourself, that you just want to tear your skin apart so you can be free. So you can finally breathe again.  

All the memories you have made, the happiness just sucks right out of you. It’s not fair.

The more you just lay there in the darkness, your mind starts to be your worst enemy. You listen to all the voices telling you all the negative things you don’t want to hear.  

But you welcome it because you don’t know what more you can do.

You were so happy that no evil could get in, and then the next second your anxiety and depression are making those walls come tumbling down.

It’s back to square one.

It’s like stepping on broken glass with bare feet, you hurt. Looking at yourself in the mirror and only seeing a stranger look back at you. It’s scary. You don’t have control, so who knows what will come next.

You have no energy left inside you, but you try to get the strength back.

All you do is get up in the mornings, get dressed and put a smile on your face and go throughout your day. 

You don’t act depressed or angry; you act happy so nobody can question it. You are on autopilot, living day to day but not actually living.

You are in this funk for what feels like an eternity and you feel lost.  There’s always a fork in the road. You always see the light at the end of the tunnel and always take that exit. 

The happiness returns but you don’t know how long it will last. You just embrace the sun on your face and the warmth upon your skin. 

You smile with meaning, you have purpose. No matter how hard the struggle is, you keep pushing through even if you feel like giving up.  

Make the darkness into a cloud so it can float away after a short time instead of it lingering above you for hours on end. 

You are strong, keep telling yourself that.  Change the nightmare into a dream, a dream where you are strong. Listen to your heart.  

Have your voice be heard and do not hide.

Here I am now as a young adult writing you this letter. I just wanted to tell you that I am doing okay. I somehow managed to grow up without you. I am working, living my life and having adventures. Living every day like it’s my last day, taking opportunities that walk my way without any hesitations. 

But I have always managed to miss you…

My mind always wondered where I would be if you were still here with us. What my adventures would be? Who my friends would be? Where would I be living?

Growing up without a father figure can be hard. You are labeled as the girl without a father. You are labeled as the girl who doesn’t have a complete family. You will forever be the girl who wishes her dad was still alive…

You were always known as the girl who was raised by a single mom, who was taught to be “lady-like” even though that wasn’t you sometimes. Your mom ended up being your best friend, who taught you to not show fear. You were always told that it will get easier time after time.

I guess she was right…

Time went by…

It did get easier.

My heart still breaks when I go to weddings and watch the father and daughter dance. My heart still breaks when I see daughters bonding with their dads, because I know I only had 5 years with you. 

I didn’t have the chance to pick fights with you. I didn’t have the chance for you to scare away the boys that wanted to date me. I didn’t have the chance for you to protect me like a father should protect their daughters.

Every day that passes by, you are always on my mind. I still can’t believe it’s been 19 years since you have taken your own life. That dark night is stuck in my memory like glue. 

I used to think when I was a child that I might have done something wrong that made you decide that was your only option. I will never know because it’s just another puzzle that will never be completed.

But daddy I just wanted to tell you that I forgive you. I forgive you for doing the unthinkable. I forgive you for leaving your family behind. I forgive you for pulling the trigger…

I know you are looking down on all of us. I know you are with me in every step I take. In every bad experience, and every good experience I adventure on. I know you are with me, I may not be able to see you, but I feel you close. You will always be in my heart. You will always be my daddy. 

I will see you later, save me a seat up in heaven!

The snow falls covering the green grass. The wind blows through my brown hair. Goosebumps cover my skin through the torn clothes. The black mascara runs down my face, leaving me with dismay.  Driving away from that place, my thoughts were everywhere. Anxiety attacks appear, pulled over trying to catch my breath. Looked in the mirror, who is this person staring back at me?

Trauma affects people differently. For me, I didn’t know how to act. I was frozen; I was scared, I was angry. I didn’t know what to do, or how to act. I just blamed myself, when I wasn’t the one to blame. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. The old me vanished into thin air, while the new me didn’t want to be on this earth anymore. I found darkness.

Happiness is where you feel safe, where you want to be, right? But sometimes living in the darkness is comforting. The emotions are locked away so numbness is all you feel. So why unlock another door? 

After going through something traumatizing, it will either take hours, days, months or even years to completely heal. One day you will wake up and realize “Hey, something feels different.” That’s when you will finally start to heal. You just need to hold that key in your hand, and put it in the lock and unlock that door.

That door will save you, even if it will be the hardest thing to do. It’s going to take time. Healing takes time. But one by one, you will start feeling different. You will slowly step out of that darkness you thought was so comforting. Time in life is so important, people don’t realize that. You only live once, so why waste it on not being happy? Time to change, time to embrace the life you have been given.

The emotions will hurt but unleash your tears, your anger, it will make you strong. You are strong. No matter what the tragic was in your life that made you feel weak, scared, worthless, and different. You are beautiful, strong, you are worthy, and you are amazing! So wipe those tears away, smile more. Go out there and never look back. Move forward. 

You will start doing things that you haven’t done before. The darkness that you were in for so long will finally turn into light. You will start to get up in the morning, you will start making yourself look pretty again, and you will start to care. That numbness will fade, and the happiness will come crawling back in.

So make new memories, new adventures. You are the cure. You can make things happen. So put the trauma you have experienced in your rearview mirror and smile because you survived. You are a survivor and nobody can tell you different.