Author: RC

I know it feels like it will never heal. I know you think it will forever be an open wound for salt to be rubbed in.

I know your heart breaks every time you see them, or anything that reminds you of them.

I know you want to stop desperately clutching your pillows at night, begging the pain to go away.

I know it aches, it aches so deeply that nothing can help you escape it. It follows you everywhere you go, lingers in the back of your mind no matter what you do.

I know it hurts to breathe some days and I know that you wish you could stop going in circles.

I know some days it’s a struggle to drag yourself out of bed and walk to the sink to brush your teeth.

I know.

But you did it, didn’t you? You walked to the sink, you brushed your teeth, and maybe tomorrow you’ll even feel like wearing something besides that same sweatshirt.

It doesn’t feel like much of a victory–brushing your teeth, I mean. But it is.

Every day that you don’t feel strong enough to face the world, just remember to put your feet on the floor and go brush your teeth.

You don’t have to conquer every demon in one day.

Take it one day at a time.

You can do this.

I know right now it feels like torture, but I also know that you are stronger than you feel.

You are a fighter. Don’t you forget that. Don’t you dare let them win.

Live your life for yourself and not for anyone else. I know it hurts to let go. I know you’re afraid of being alone.

But take a leap of faith for yourself; lead yourself, trust yourself, love yourself, be yourself, remind yourself that you are worthy. 

And one day, you won’t even think about it–you’ll just suddenly be brushing your teeth and it won’t even take a conscious effort.

I've always been the one who gets ghosted. I've always watched people walk away and wonder why they disappeared. Except this time, I became the ghost. But don't judge me yet, because you didn't give me much of a choice.

I tried for months to be there. I begged you to make time for me, to come over, to let me come over, to talk to me, to even text me back. But I always got some version of the same excuse: "I'm too busy."

You could make time for everyone and everything else, except me. And eventually, it hurt too much to watch. I was literally watching myself be thrown away. I couldn't do it anymore.

So I erased every trace of you from my life. I deleted all the old pictures, I removed you from all my social media, I blocked your number. 

But I didn't do it to hurt you. I did it because I couldn't keep hurting myself.

Maybe a small piece of me did it in hopes that you'd miss me, but honestly, I don't know if you'll even notice.

I kept telling myself that you'd come around eventually, that you would finally have some free time.

Until I realized that you DID have free time, you just chose not to spend any of it with me.

So I had to walk away; I couldn't continue to invest my time and energy in someone who didn't invest in me.

Maybe my silence will say more than my words ever could.  But either way, I had to stop choosing someone who didn't choose me back. 

So this time, I choose me. 

And I would say that I'm sorry, but truthfully you should be sorry that you had your chance with me and didn't take it.

On any given Saturday night you can usually find me under a blanket, holding a bag of something unhealthy, and staring at Netflix. 

And on any given weeknight you’ll find me at my desk, furiously making flash cards about myelinated axons and labeling parts of a cochlear implant.

So for all the people who have recently told me to “get out more” or to “learn to be fun” I’ll tell you this:

I didn’t come to college to party. I didn’t come to drink my nights away.

I came to ascend into my passion of working with deaf children.

But that doesn’t mean I’m boring.

Try spending five minutes with my sassy mouth and and then tell me I’m uninteresting. 

Maybe I wear leggings to class everyday, and maybe I like my bed too much, and maybe I’m not invited to every wild party, but that doesn’t make me a hermit.

In fact, the cover picture for this article is a snapshot from the onesie party held at my apartment just last weekend.

And you see that cow in the middle? That’s me–in all my awkward, bright pink udder glory.

We play intense rounds of pictionary, teeth-gritting games of spicy uno, and sweat in fleece animal suits in 90 degree Florida weather.

And there has never been a place I’d rather be.

I’m not going to look back on my college days and say “OH NO WHY DID I NOT CONSUME MORE ALCOHOL?!”

No, instead I will say “look at that adorable shark and goofy little chicken who made me laugh EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.”

I will reflect on these days as the ones that blessed me with people who made my life richer, my heart fuller, and my smile brighter.

At first everything seemed okay. We operated in what most would deem a normal friendship.

But you slowly began to suck up all my time.

If it wasn't one thing it was another, and if I couldn't be there I wasn't a good friend.

Every day there was new drama, a new battle. And every night there was a new fight. You made me feel obligated to fix your problems and then guilty when I was incapable of doing so.

The sky was always falling.

But I cared about you, so every time you called, I came running. I ran and I ran and I ran until I couldn't anymore; until you had used up all my compassion.

You were always the one with the "crisis" but somehow I was always the one who ended up feeling drained.

And now I am empty. I have nothing left to give you, and it saddens me because I love you.

There is nothing easy about saying goodbye, but at some point I have to save myself.

I didn't even realize how much of an anchor you had become, always dragging me down into your calamity. But at some point I have to surface again and breathe in some air.

If I can't take care of myself, if I can't breathe, how can I save you?

I hope you understand. I hope you know that I love you. I hope that you find your way to the surface again too, and I hope that our paths cross when we are both floating.

For more from rc, visit her writer's page here.  

Everyone is telling me to let you go.

And I know that you're toxic. 

You reel me in and then throw me back when you're done.

You call me when you're lonely, when you need me. You make me believe I'm important to you and then you disappear. 

And I'm stronger than this. I am better than this, right? I mean, I've loved and lost before and I'm still here. 

But something about you is different. There is something I cannot forget, can't let go of. 

If I could, I'd leave you behind in a heartbeat. I'd pick up my life where I left it right before I met you. 

Instead, I go in circles: You love me, you need me, you want me; You don't care about me, you never did, you never will. I am so tired. 

I am tired of feeling worthless, tired of caring about you.

I know you are no good, I know you take me for granted. I know that you don't deserve any of my love.

But I can't stop. It's not who I am. 

So I'll continue to let you wreck me. I'll fight until I finally can't anymore. 

And maybe when I walk away, when I can stay away, maybe one day I'll be free. One day I will unlock the shackles you placed around my heart and I'll leave you cold as I burn every bridge. 

For more from rc, visit her writer's page here.  

We were happy. The kind of happy where a smile interrupts your kiss because nothing has ever felt so right. 

It was all a whirlwind of blissful peace. I finally knew what peace was: to be calm in my heart even when circumstances turned life upside down. 

You were my partner-in-crime, my secret keeper, the one I stole the blankets from every night. One quick glance up into your blue eyes and all my problems vanished. You were my home. And you made me believe that I was yours. 

Until one night, you got out of the shower and suddenly decided you didn’t love me anymore. 

It happened just like that, without warning and without sound reason. 

And I hated you for it. 

I didn’t understand, I still don’t understand.

You left me with so many unanswered questions: What changed? How long have you actually felt this way? What did I do?

How long have you watched me love you and thought I was an idiot?

I felt so small and childish. Was I a fool to believe that you ever really loved me? Or are you simply not the person I thought you were?

Maybe you’re just self-centered. Maybe I’m just naive. Maybe the thought of other possibilities was more enticing to you than the idea of my love and loyalty.

I begged you for answers, I sought clarification from others, I did everything I could think of to find closure. What did I do to deserve this?

But I’m slowly learning that life doesn’t always give you what you think you deserve; I’m learning that you can give everything you’ve got, make no mistakes, and still lose.

So whatever your reasoning was, I just want you to know that while you spend your days searching, someone else has already found everything you’re looking for–in me.

For more from rc, visit her writer’s page here.  

Your heart is beautiful. It is a masterpiece. It is not ignorant or broken. You are not wrong and you are not unworthy of receiving the same effort you put forth.

And… cue the eye roll! Trust me, I get it. You’re thinking that I don’t know you or what you’ve been through. And you’re right, I don’t know your story. But I do know you—because I am you.

You’re the “too” girl. 

You love too hard. You come on too strong. You’re too available. You’re too compassionate. Too concerned, too involved, too much.

You’re always there when they need you, no matter how many times you’ve been left alone when you needed someone. You love even when you are weary, even when everyone else would have already given up. 

You spend all your time putting others first and then lying in your bed at night questioning why you do any of it. 

You wonder how it’s possible to feel like you’re not enough and too much all at the same time.

You’re the girl who gets abandoned time after time because life gets a little messy. It’s hard for you to understand because walking away is such a foreign concept to you. They don’t appreciate you.

But to be fair, they don’t understand you either. 

You are rare. So don’t you dare let anyone break your spirit because you deserve the love you keep trying to give to everyone else. 

Guard your heart, because it is precious and valuable; but don’t hide it because it is a gift.

Love,

Someone reminding you to love yourself “too much”

For more from rc, visit her writer’s page here.