I found this letter I had written to myself about you, and I think I will share it. Share it because it is a good story, and because this is a blog about my stories. This one I found already written, by me, and required little to no editing. Anyway, it was so long ago that I hope you don't get your panties in a bunch over reading this. If you do happen to read this. You are but a memory.
I went over scenarios in my mind and conversations with myself, about what I would say to you if I had the courage, or if I felt it was appropriate. What stopped me was being afraid that you wouldn't care, or the never ending thought of: what's the point? It's not like things would have been different, and I already had my answer anyway! I am now writing because I don't care anymore, I really don't. You're a good person, I am sure, but that's the extent of what I think about you. So, here goes:
I knew you for a year. A whole entire year, where I stuck to you like glue. I stuck to you because you were the trainer at the stables. I wanted to learn as much as I could, and you were the one to learn from. I was also very attracted to you. You had a girlfriend. I kept my distance. You taught me everything you thought you knew about horses. You helped me improve my riding. We spoke about horses all the time. I started to fall for you. I thought you were perfect.
We started hanging out more. I would stay later at the barn. I would help you with some chores, sometimes I hung out with you and N. Sometimes just N. We smoked, we rode. Life was good. I was crushing on you. I even let myself flirt subtly flirt with you. I know you thought I was hot. I made you know. I was a bit too confident. Then you broke up with her. That was before I was risky and sent you a provocative picture. I only found out you broke up AFTER I sent the picture. I knew I had you.
I had you. I pursued you and you didn’t even know. I was so subtle. Everyone else knew. They couldn’t prove it. That is how subtle I was. I guess that is what drew you to me. I was so innocent, I was so nice. I wanted you so badly. Then opportunity struck. I left with you one evening after a cookout we had with some people. I knew I would leave with you. I had you ask me, and you thought it was your idea.
I slept with you. I slept with YOU. That’s what I told myself. I had to feel in control. I didn’t want to fall for you. I was scared. I didn’t want you to hurt me. You hurt me anyway. That’s karma. Karma from all the guys I screwed over. I am done screwing people over.
We slept together again. It was amazing. You blew my mind. I then realized I had really strong feelings for you. I wanted you from day one, but I did not want to ruin your relationship. Sometimes I did, but then I realized I would view you differently if you had cheated on her. I didn’t want to think of you as a cheater. I only wanted to think good things about you. I held you in high esteem. Then you broke up with her, and I circled my prey. I didn't care if I just slept with you and that would be all. I didn’t care because you had mentioned about wanting a fling. I wanted to be that fling. But I realized I wanted more than that.
I asked you what you thought of me. You said you liked me. Then you didn't speak to me for a week. Then, you asked to see me one night. I took the opportunity to ask you what that was all about, that previous week. You said you were confused. You said I was leaving to Alaska, and some other bullshit about how you thought I was using YOU. When I said I would be returning to Alaska, and that I was NOT using you, you said okay. I then asked where I stand. You said you wanted to see where things go. I learned later that meant fucking me for two nights and then ignoring me again.
You then had the nerve to message me saying that you hoped I didn't think that you have abandoned me. Of COURSE you abandoned me. But I realized something then. You were not sure about me. Or you were just using me. Both of those options were not okay with me. I did not want to entertain you in order to get my heart broken. Because it would be broken. I was falling in love with you.
A few weeks later I finally was getting over you. I went to the stables to take a ride with N. On the weekend. She seemed really pleased, a bit jumpy actually. She pulled me into the office and told me about you and her. You and her? She told me how she had been with you at nights. You never had sex with her, but you tried. She just turned 18. Maybe that’s why. Ten years difference is a lot. Especially for an 18 year old virgin. I guess you were into that.
You messaged me at that moment. You asked if we can meet up. I realized she got you horny and now you want to fuck. So, I told her about us…while she was happily talking about that night. I crushed her world. We hated you. I stopped hating you. I saw you as scum. You used me. You lied to me, and you used me. I never used you, and you never really thought that I did.
Why am I writing this, and why now?
Well, I could accept the fact that you were just not that into me. What I can't accept, is how little regard you held for me. Maybe you did not want to hurt my feelings. But like you told me once, that story of the girl who just started ignoring your messages while you were in the army. You said, it is rude not to be straight up. To just say how you feel. It hurts less if you just told me that you didn't want anything from me, instead of pretending with me, and trying to be nice. And you weren’t nice. You were trying to get into my friend’s pants at the same time.
I had seen your true colors even before I discovered N. It was when I discovered you gave away my gift. That rope and halter I got you from Canada. Along with apologizing, you tried to defend yourself. I saw you are a coward. You were unable to own up to the fact that you used me, just like you were unable to tell me you gave away my gift. I found out by myself, by accident. I saw your girlfriend using it with her horse. You were unable to own up to it after I confronted you. Yes, you apologized. You then went on about how people make mistakes, and how you are sure I make mistakes as well. You couldn't just say you were sorry.
I want to thank you for showing me my worth. It wasn’t me that had the problem. It was you, who thought you were on top of the world, that you can go around collecting hearts. You, who thought you can hurt someone who had loved you for a year. Two people who had loved you for a year. N loved you more than I did, younger people usually do. I learned a great lesson from you. I learned to pick out the slyest of assholes. I can never get played again, I will see right through it. I must hand it to you. That was well played.
I want to thank you for the great sex. If I would look back I would say: WOW that was good sex.
