Author: Rocsi Marciano

At first, you care less to nothing about this guy you met because you guys didn’t go on an actual date yet. And you know you have options, in case he fucks up or you guys just don’t hit it off. All cool you think. You are the one in control, you give him a bit of attention, just enough for him to know, that you are, in fact, interested in getting to know him further, may be, even date him. 

But you also make sure he follows your rules and your lead. You somehow tell him you are super busy, while you’re sitting at home watching your favorite Netflix show because you want to appear as busy and somewhat unavailable. 1:0 for you, girlfriend. 

He plays along because he’s really eager to meet you. No need to bombard him with text messages or phone calls, he’s already doing that. You finally give in, after playing hard to get and agree to go on a date. You don’t even dress to impress, but rather you dress like yourself, whatever that is. 

You meet, you flirt, you make out, you have sex – you in love…well not literally, but your emotions take the best of you. And…you lost that battle. You might not know it now, but you’ll find yourself thinking a lot about this guy. You analyze every text, that he sent you and you’re about to send him. And then you wait, wait and wait….and you ask yourself? WTF went wrong. 

One minute you had control, the next minute you lost it and yourself in it. In what exactly, you wonder? In catching feelings and falling for someone that a minute ago appeared non-existent and not interesting enough for you to give him the time of the day. But you did it anyways. And now you lost ground control. 

It sucks to admit that while it’s fun to keep the interest going (some would also call it “playing games”) it is also irritating to find yourself clueless afterwards. After you guys became intimate, you caught the bug. The bug that makes you forget who had the upper hand. It clearly is not you anymore. He clearly knew how to play his cards right. Now you are the one texting him repeatedly and trying to meet up again. 

Women play as many games as guys. We don’t usually admit, that we like the hunt that keeps us going, as much as being desired, after we hunt the target down. But when it comes down to finding the “right guy”, all games be dare to be quit and all we want is to date that one person. 

It’s easier to be in control when you like the guy just enough to boost your ego. He’s fun, he’s nice, he’s great in bed. But you don’t want to date him. You either keep him around as a f*ck buddy or you drop him like a pair of dirty undies. 

However, in between that period of dragging him along and keeping him on the back burner, to finally dropping him, you never fully disclose with him, that you are actually not interested in dating him. You rather block him or delete his number or both. 

Interesting enough, we expect exactly the opposite from a man. We demand him to be honest with us and don’t play games with our heart. Not realizing we are doing the same exact thing. 

It’s a mind game of control. Because everybody wants to not just be in control for a minute but have control over the course of this possible relationship.

The key is that; don’t fall for anybody too quickly and always keep your cool. Because once you give in, the control is lost.

Being single in New York City can be fun, especially when you have the option to virtually date and judge someone based on a biography (if there is any) and pictures. Apps like Tinder make it easy to break the ice. 

One day,  I was bored and left without any other devices to entertain me in my household, I gave Tinder a chance. I linked my Facebook with the app, to give Tinder control about my fate in finding the perfect match. 

Swiping left and right, turned out to be as stimulating as playing angry birds or candy crush and so addictive, you forget why you on it in the first place. 

Ten matches later, including three douchebags – yes you will find a lot of those on there– I got my first date in the bag. 

Date#1 “El Cheapo” Although, the text conversations were promising, the date was not. Tall, handsome, vegetarian, Italian fella, turned out to be not as tall, still kinda cute but broke. So broke. He told me it’s hard for a hustler out there and he just paid rent and if I got him this time, he’ll have me next time. Sorry dude, but there won’t be a next time. I blocked his number and unmatched him, as soon as I got home. 

Disappointed, but not discouraged I gave another date a chance to proof me wrong…

Date#2 “The Brooklyn Villain” You can’t give pictures any justice, you just can’t. Especially when it comes to height. I always love when guys actually put their height on their profile, so I know if I should wear heels or not. When I saw him walk up, I thought I’m mistaken and talking to a stranger, but nope it actually was him. Chemistry was zero and the situation became slightly awkward, with pauses in between talking. I’m sure he felt the same way. It became so painful, I left after one hour listening to him talk about serial killers in an animated kinda way. 

More disappointed than before, I was eager to still find Mr. Right. Swiping through Tinder and being blinded by all these hot studs, I found myself with #3.

Date#3 “No Scrubs”  Unfortunately, kinda like TLC said it in their lyrics “A scrub is a guy that think he's fine and is also known as a buster, always talkin' about what he wants and just sits on his broke ass…” Yea, that pretty much sums it up. Good looking dude, BUT doesn’t have a job and lives at home with his parents…and that with thirty-five. So that’s an NO on all levels. 

Being really frustrated with Tinder and all those losers as well as weirdos, I still kept hearing all those great stories about people finding true love on Tinder. Like how? 

Date#4 “Skater Boy” Hot dude. But his text messages were dry and he took forever to communicate, such a turn-off. However, he turned out to be pretty nice, maybe not the brightest crayon in the box, but definitely worth some coloring.

It can only get better, I thought, and I met up with; 

Date#5 “El Diablo” That’s devil in Spanish, in case you were wondering. Hot, Colombian dude, great bartender, but holy shit, his eyes were so magical, you had a feeling you’ll get lost in it. Aside from that, he mentioned he has a dark side about him, and I could feel the vibe. Curiosity killed the cat in my book so many times before, I didn’t wanna end up dead again. So I ran. Literally.

Two more dates, and I was able to say “Goodbye” to Tinder forever. If I don’t find Mr.Right on an app, then he doesn’t exist.

Date#6 “Just Friends” Great chemistry, great conversations, just no Zsa Zsa Zsu, No Ying to my Yang, no butterflies – just friends. Which isn’t bad either, but I don’t date my friends, I mean if I would, I wouldn’t be single.

Date#7 “Mr. Right” The best always comes last apparently and finally, I met the perfect guy. He’s hot, like really hot, he’s sweet, he’s sincere. He’s everything a man needs to have in my book. We clicked immediately and I pictured myself already getting married to him and moving with him wherever, like to the moon and back….just kidding…but the feeling is there. He was the first guy I took home (well… like in a long time) and the first great Tinder date. It certainly was a success. 

It was definitely fun to go on seven dates with different guys, but to swipe through a hundred or more, was way more fun. Still not sure if I recommend it, I like to meet people the old fashioned kinda way. I’m an old fart, throw me a bone. It’s just nice to build that connection right away in person. You can’t really do that through text messages or a picture. It leads to misconceptions, but to each their own. However, if it wasn’t for Tinder, I wouldn’t have met #7. And if I could keep him, I totally would. 

We all had some crappy date stories to share, funny ones and good ones, that ended up bad because oh well… something went wrong (don’t worry it’s never you, chances are it just wasn’t the right guy). These experiences however sure molded us to something better and wiser. Here are some dating mistakes, you should definitely do.

Let him have the bill, obviously! He was the one asking you out to a fairly expensive restaurant. Dude, it’s on you. 

You don’t owe him, anything. That includes a handjob in public or even a kiss. He’s lucky he can hold your hand. 

He can take you home, but you DON’T need to invite him up. Just because you guys went on your first date. 

Even if he says “I love you”, still… it’s OK to say “No!”.

Sex on the first date, which he expects (duh he’s a man). If you want it, (but don’t want to date him) go for it, but if you like him – get to know him a little better.  You don’t need to have sex on the first date because HE wants it. 

Let the crazy out. Definitely. Better he knows from date#1 how crazy you are instead of finding that out in the long run because there’s not hiding once the cat is out of the bag. 

Talk about you. Of course, you should. He wants to get to know you better.

Mention your past. It’s OK to show vulnerability. It doesn’t make you look weak (even if he should hold certain things against you in the long run) it makes you look strong instead. 

Blowjobs, Backdoor and all the other kinky stuff. Hold off on that. He can be lucky he has sex with you on the first date. No need to spoil it. Instead, have him work for it and make him give you oral instead. 

Ask about his past relationships, especially how many serious ones he had and how long they lasted. That way you’ll find out a little bit of what type of guy he is in regards relationships. 

When you find yourself in an abusive relationship, how many times do you ask yourself? When is enough, enough, before you change something about it? 

Being in an abusive relationship could happen to any woman, it doesn’t matter what age group, or race, or the environment. However, if we see the signs early, we can quit it before it gets worse. 

If you experience any of these frequently, design yourself a plan of action and leave, before it gets worse. Because quite frankly, things will not get better. 

1. If your partner has a bad temper, because he had a bad day, or is stressed. And lets it out on you. 

2. If your partner drinks a lot, or occasionally drinks, but gets aggressive;  it’s a ticking time bomb. 

3. If your partner raised his hand against you once, he’ll do it again, And if he does it to you,  what makes you think, he wouldn’t hurt your children (if any) or your pets?

4. If your partner mentally abuses you, like calling you names and putting you down. 

5. If your partner tells you what to wear and what not to wear.

6. If your partner picks fights with you, just to be in control and to show you who wears the pants in the house. 

7. Forces you to have sex with him, and doesn’t take “No” for an answer. 

8. Destroys your belongings. Cell phones, laptops, clothes, and passport for instance. 

9. Is rude to your friends and parents, and wishes, you wouldn’t go out or talk to them about your relationship. 

10. Denies that anything ever happened, but promises not to ever do it again. 

If some of that sounds familiar, pack your bags and seek your friends and family, before it’s too late.

If kids are involved, get a restraining order, a lawyer and file for sole custody and divorce. Because it’s not just your life that matters, but it’s also that of your children. 

If you are not married and don’t have any kids, file a restraining order as soon as possible. 

If you don’t have any place to go, you can call the domestic violence hotline for further assistance in regards for shelter and legal help.

If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 right away.

It took me four years to finally break free from a dangerously abusive relationship, but I had such a breakthrough, it changed my life forever. However, I wish I had the courage and knowledge that I have now, back then. I would have left, after the first physical fight. 

Nobody says it’s easy, but you have to tell yourself, breaking free is the only way for things to change. You deserve to be happy and treated with respect. Don’t jeopardize it. If you have questions, you can send me a message on Facebook. 

Depression is a bitch. It’s a daily fight with yourself and anybody around you. Dealing with manic depression is a lot to handle. Especially for the person in the relationship who is somewhat “normal”. 

It makes things extremely difficult, especially in the bedroom. I would have days where my depression seemed to vanish, and I would feel so good. I would feel powerful and sexy. My sex drive would be out of the roof. 

But most of the time, I would get wasted and be on Xanax in order for me to have sex. I’m not sure if I didn’t want to feel at all or to get more in the mood, or feel better about myself, but alcohol needed to be involved.

At least in the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend. That’s when things were good, my depression under control. That’s when sex was part of our daily routine.

Until something traumatic happened – my father passing.

My world shambled in pieces and my depression was back to consume me. Nothing felt good. Nothing could ever be the same again. I wanted to stay in bed forever – alone. 

I didn’t want to shower, dress up, be touched or kissed. I was in my own bubble, ignoring my loving boyfriend. The various attempts he took, by telling me to see a therapist, failed.

My relationship was hanging on a tiny string. But my boyfriend didn’t give up on me, or us. He was patient and loving until he broke down. 

I know he needed love and attention and most importantly: sex, but I wasn’t able to give it to him. I had no sex drive at all. Not even with myself or other people. It was non-existing. 

He would try to buy me roses, take me out for dinner or cook for me, and gently cover me with kisses to try to change my mind about sex. But nothing worked for me.

We didn’t have sex for at least six months in our one-year relationship, which didn’t seem long for me, but for him. 

For my boyfriend, it was torture and unacceptable. He had serious talks with me about changing, or he’ll leave. It gave me the reality check that I needed, but it was too late. 

The times I initiated sex, got rejected, which made me feel unwanted and unattractive. I guess that’s how he must have felt the entire time being in this dead end relationship with me.

The bond we once had, the intimacy that made us feel trusted, and familiar with each other vanished, the love was gone. Feeling bad about being sad and depressed, and neglecting my boyfriend, made me even more depressed. 

My relationship was over, because of my depression. 

Ladies, if you find yourself depressed or got diagnosed with manic depression or any other mental issues, please seek help for the sake of yourself, but also to save your relationship before it’s too late.

"It's the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee?" ? Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

He’s the one you want to be with. You just know…well, you at least know you want to go on a second date with him. And you know that part, within seconds of meeting him for your first date. 

1. You guys have chemistry, like right away. And you feel strongly connected.

2. He has manners and is well educated. He holds the door and no knows how to behave.

3. He is able to hold a conversation for hours, no awkward breaks in between.

4. He’s interested in you, asks you questions, and listens. 

5. He looks you in the eyes when he talks to you.

6. He makes you laugh. And he doesn’t take himself too seriously.

7. He gives you sincere compliments, nothing cliché. 

8. He makes you feel secure because he’s tall and muscular and manly, but not in a douche-bag kinda way.

9. He’s down to earth and sensible, and you appreciate that he doesn't put on a front. 

10. He takes care of the bill and doesn’t ask you for anything in return.

11. You two have a lot in common, like a lot. Everything from music to art, to movies. 

12. He has a motorcycle or a car. Not that it’s important, but it’s a nice ancillary.

13. The first time he kisses you. He’s a good kisser, and makes you want to come back for more.

14. Or you don’t kiss at all, so you’re left in suspense and want that kiss so bad.

15. You guys have sex and it happens naturally.  And you want more of that good stuff. 

16. Or you guys didn’t have sex, and you need to find out how good he is in bed. 

17. You always have more questions for him because he's that interesting and you forgot to ask a few important ones.

Now it’s about opening up and getting to know one another for real…and that's the most exciting part.

“Shiny things don’t always mean they are the real deal”  That also goes for Facebook pictures or any other dating app.

We all have been there. 1st dates. Lovely meet and greets with the men of our dreams, that we mostly met online. We impatiently count the days and nights until we are meet  for real. And then we experience this:

The guy that looks like 6’0 in his pictures, but that is actually shorter in real life, like really short. Like shorter than you. And who is also an ex-druggie, broke and somewhat homeless. Facebook lied to me. 

The guy that looks like a million bucks, but ask to hand him money under the table so he can pretend to be paying for a fancy dinner. 

The guy that was under the impression the girl pays on the first date, because you were the one asking him out.

The time you had an embarrassing moment, like spinach between your teeth or toilet paper stuck underneath your shoe. 

The storyteller, who has a house in the Hamptons, a yacht and who will take you around the world in 86 days, but never returns your texts  after the first night of sex.

The guy who loves to get drunk and watches shitty movies, only for you to carry him home to see him puke and pass out. 

The aggressive texter pre-date, that becomes and aggressive kisser on-date, that ends up becoming an obsessive stalker post-date.

The rich guy that is on Adderall, and somehow forgot to mention his girlfriend. Facebook told me.

The guy that likes to “party” and is into threesome’s, and ask you if you are into it too, he can make a call to turn this date into a real party. 

The guy that burps and spits, while having dinner and continues do so after.

The guy that asks if you can make out on the first date. Seriously guys, just do it. 

The guy that still lives with his parents…with thirty. A hell-to-the-NO!

The guy that acts juvenile, because he can’t handle his liquor. 

The guy that is hot but dumb. Always such disappointment. OKCupid lied!

The guy that is great in conversations, but bad in kissing. Also a big disappointment.

The guy that’s an Ex-Alcoholic, and drunk an entire bottle of vodka before he met up with you and now needs to call his sponsor and find twelve steps. 

Ladies you are not alone. We all had one or plenty worst 1st dates  and don’t be embarrassed to share your 1st date stories below.