Author: Ryan Michelle Grimes

The free soul is rare but you know it when you see it. Basically because you feel good, very good when you are near or with them. ~Bukowski My aura is pink, not a hot pink or a fusia more like the last rays of light in a deep western sunset. My soul absorbs everything around me like a thick, soft sponge and retains sediments from this life as the distilled and boring filter out. I am a Kerouac, a free spirit, an old soul and a wandering woman looking for nothing other than endless laughter. Read, Laugh, Smile, Drink, and Live your Fucking Life. This blog is the raw bleeding wound that is my dating life. I hope you find in it the rare humility that comes along with the failures of falling in love and the hilarity of the ups and downs of struggling with human connection and chemistry. Visit my KICKSTARTER project at: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/573478758/the-darling-girl Twitter handle: _RyanMichelle Facebook URL: https://www.facebook.com/ryanmichelle.grimes

10 Signs You're Dating Man's Best Friend (But Not a Man)

How do you separate the men from the boys, I have no idea, if I’d figured it out by now I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog. I can by years of making the same mistakes about 1000 times at least maybe get lucky enough to point out some of the red flags before you get you’re heart broken.

Every 1 in 10 I’ll tell you a “nice guy” comes a long. Some times these guys are truly good guys, real men, who have been hurt before and won’t put that on any one else. However, there are the sweethearts that are sweet because they’re idiots, and idiots can get mean, can get away with lying. The best or worse turn controlling over time and turn in to real double d-o-g’s.

Here are the 10 signs you’re dating man’s best friend but not a real man.

1. He’s loyal

Good boy, but if he’s blatantly loyal from day one yes it could be instant chemistry but then again chemistry isn’t dehydrated chocolate that you mix in hot water and BAM you have a delicious treat, chemistry takes a little time, do yourself a favor and give him the 5 date challenge and make sure you’re into him as much as he’s seemingly into you, that way you know you have something real to ground you when the hounds come home.

2. He likes to chase.

Just like all boys do, but if you’re asking him to heel and instead of listening he’s drooling like you’re dangling a bright yellow tennis ball over his nose then run for the hills, but drop the ball first or he’ll go running right after you. Respect is just as important as enthusiasm.

3. He fetches.

Every time, like a pretty little retriever, be cautious of the man that doesn’t challenge you or you will skin him alive and throw him on the newly swiffered tile in your two bedroom and walk your pretty little Steve Maddens all over him. Self-respect goes a long way.

4. He sits, rolls over and shakes

-on command? Look, guys should jump through a few hoops if they’re really into you that’s how you separate the men from the boys however, if he’s not making you wag your cheeky tail and work for treats too you could be with a man…’s best friend.

5. He’s excitable

Okay some guys, great guys, have a lot of energy and are easily excitable and yes the first couple weeks with a new bae can be a giggle highway but if he’s more excited than you 100% of the time take caution or at least put him out on the porch for some air. He needs to be serious sometimes or you will not be able to take him seriously or ever get the impression that he’ll do the same back.

6. He sniffs you out

…at the bar …uninvited? If you’re not positive how he found you, maybe you should hide your smell and run along elsewhere. A guy that can’t respect your privacy and give you space is as bad as the dog at the park that has his nose half way up your ass. Hand his leash over to his friends and move on.

7. He expects rewards for good behavior

Um nope, you are allowed to be yourself and this means needing or asking for certain graces, he doesn’t get a treat every time he abides by this. You deserve an equal not an obedient.

8. It’s day 3 and he’s imprinted

I understand that some people fall in love very quickly….like fools, fools rush in. Maybe, this is a real connection but maybe, it’s puppy love. Figure out the difference before you get stuck with a dog in heat. Or worse before you start to belive him and hes half way down the street the next time you leave the front door open.

9. He whines

If you can’t say “stay” and walk 5 feet in the opposite direction without him whining, this is a problem. Man’s best friend is a dependent, men are independent. You deserve an indepent life without the guilt of leaving him at home waiting for you to come back, this is also a slow method of emotional control and it gets dangerous if you feed it.

10. He humps everything

Okay, this is not always a bad thing. You’ve had sex about 100 times in 48 hours and he’s still ready to go …god bless him.. However, if you can’t turn him down every once in awhile without him dry humping your leg for an hour he may have about as much control as a 15 year old boy at his first week of camp. Men can control themselves, boys cannot and a dog will be a dog will be a dog.

The 7 Toxic Friendships You Have in Your Twenties

The 7 Toxic Friendships you have in your 20s that you need to ditch in your 30s

Misery Loves Company

She's having money problems but it "must be nice" that you just got a bonus. You can carve the room when you walk in with shopping bags. Her man child of a live in finally moved on after you urged her severely to do the same last week and all of a sudden your with your boyfriend way too much? She lucklessly compares you to her life failures so as to bring you down to her level.

Lets be real here, this "friend" is nothing but an emotional vacuum any attempts to hang out are really just her hope of Sanderson sistering your inner youth and spirit.

Take thee away from her presence! She'll only continue to exhaust you and dump you at the first sign of light at the end of her miserable dark tunnel.

The CEO

Do you have a friend that treats you like her personal assistant? Are all of her requests written in emails and itinerary form? Does she text you office phrases in casual conversation? Drinks? I look forward to your quick response!

This chick is on a power trip and is climbing that corporate ladder faster than you can say promotion! Good for her, you go girl! However, while you ascend to the top remember that its lonely up there, probably because you stomped your new Loubitons all over your real friends on the way up.

By the way, we're the ones who know you bought those used on ebay. XoXo Just kidding, but seriously, take a major step back from this racehorse bc if your not moving up shes moving on.

The Childhood Bully

This is the girl you've had on your good side since preschool and you've seen her make her own mother cry. Now your on the downslide to 30 and your not quite sure if you keep her around out of love or pure fear.

She's always had "trouble" with girls because, much like a sociopath, she pretty much has no use for the emotion empathy. Anytime you've gone to her in a weak moment has been a HUGE mistake as she's taken the liberty to define ALL of your personal flaws and to remind you that she went through this and kicked a million asses.

Death in the family, doesn't phase her, I think she's pretty much a robot however, she will inadvertently call you for an alibi every year after her boyfriends gone through her call log and tell you your her best friend. Make her plan a wedding, it really brings out the true colors of a friendship, like this one makes me blue and it could be time to make this friendship something old.

The Beau Blowoffer

I'll preface this by saying if you're in a new relationship it is normal to start cutting off the unhealthy ones that this new healthy one has brought to life. However, if you only come up for air to see your friends during the brief intermissions between the head cases you date, you're an asshole and you'll lose them all, bad beaus included.

Your energy should be spread between family, friends, career and beau. Instead this chick is spinning her wheels and obsessing over one guy at a time, it usually starts after date one, she has no control of the chemicals in her brain, or whatever's rolling around up there.

If she calls or talks to you at all while attached it absolutely wont be to ask how your relationships going or about your new promotion.. what will it be about? You know what it'll be about, you'll hear this guys name more than your own. Time to cut ties with the girl that can only talk about this new guy Ty and why he wont text her back, Bye Felicia, Bye Ty!

The Met of the Art Mooch

This girl is a work of art, she probably makes 25-28k a year but somehow has surrounded herself with the friends that can foot her the means of a 6 figure lifestyle. You have never heard her utter the words "budget" yet you've also never seen her sign a check, like ever.

She's the first out the door at the bar, she's always in the bathroom when the check comes and you've definitely noticed that she hops into other peoples uber all the time and she's constantly using the phrase "Thanks girl I got you next week"! Does she attend a lot of charity galas because she knows so many socialites or is it for the free drinks and hand passes?

Does she really work for a not for profit or is she just not profiting? I'm not saying she's a snake, however, if it walks like a duck. Just be wary, you could be true friends or you could fit right into her monthly mooch schedule of who have I not asked to buy me dinner lately?

Face of the Earth Bungee Jumper

One season she's around all the time hanging out, helping out, wanting to make plans for a couple months down the road but you are the wiser. This girl is there one day and gone the next. Maybe her finances are fluctuating, she is constantly starting new jobs, or its boyfriend trouble, is she still with Neil? Whatever it is the bottom line is that she's unstable and definitely not plan worthy.

This instability could be coming from a place of true and genuine working effort to grow out of the instability or she could be the bi-polar molar who goes into hibernation when things aren't going well.

Either way kick this sister to the curb life's not just about your good times. Friends are there to help you through the bad and in return you need to be present to do the same. The girl who only pops up during the good times is going to get going when the tough times come around.

The Passive Aggressive Bailer

You make plans she bails, she shows up to the plan, she Irish exits, she's constantly writing responses to your invites like "Thanks so much, I cant but you have fun!" Fuck this chick. What is that dick response? Im just being polite, I know if your ass said you would come you wouldn't.

Her excuses always have to do with a family member because she thinks that excludes her from objections. Who knows what this chick has going on, most likely nothing, if she's going to bravo and chill instead of going out thats on her.

I'll tell you one thing it probably gives her a kick to say no, so I'd take that back and not invite her at all! If you don't make an effort no effort will be made on your behalf, time to grow up and get out there. Life does not happen for you it happens to you.

8 Ways You Can Identify the Immature Guy

If you're dating an immature adult male and you haven't yet uncovered it, girl, you are in a world of trouble. These boys disguise themselves as well adjusted young professionals, with good looks and a sense of style.

They have a group of friends that makes you want to let them take shots off your navel. However, you will no doubtedly end up in a puddle,of your own tears if you can't recognize the tell tale signs of the immature adult male. This is not the David in the Marble that some hidden gems of boys are.

The ones who just need a little light push of the blade here and there to grow into their true potential with your love and support. Oh No! This is the dressed up douche who does a good job of disguising his demons by smoke and mirrors-ing his way into your heart right before he lets you go because it just doesn't feel right.

And before you're left shivering and stunned on the side walk let me help you from falling in love in the first place with the immature adult male.

1. He dresses up but not for you

Much like our feathered friends these boys know how to puff out the brightest feathers to attract the opposite sex. They're often dressed to impress in neon shoes and tight jeans and an array of surf brand tees that are always freshly pressed.

To the unknown eye this can look like the mark of maturity, he gets up, he gets dressed! He must be a real man! Well ladies don't be fooled, this guy has most likely unlocked the secret to getting attention from women not growing up. Beware if he cares more about his wardrobe than his moral coat.

2.He's still all bros before hoes

I know this can look like your man has a loyal streak which can be impressive. He's caring, he's there for his friends, he's a stand up guy! But if he's putting his friends feelings before yours then stand up and walk right on out the door.

A mature relationship unfortunately involves some sacrifice but if you're with the right person you should be happy to make time for them and that time spent together should be just as fun as whatever house party he's missing out on.

3. He has no future plans

Everyone's future is a little bit fuzzy but if he's on year ten of bussing at the restaurant you served at in high school and still selling weed on the side to make ends meet with absolutely no goals to finish school or rhyme or reason in life and you're constantly picking up the tab for nice dinners or vacations the you two might not see eye to eye on your long term goals – and maybe this is a great guy but great guys do great things in life, I mean you only have one! It might be time to see if he's ever going to pick up some extra slack or if he's gotten a little too comfortable being lazy.

4. He doesn't spend time with his family

I'm not the closest with my family so I understand some people just aren't. But a mature man with a good family appreciates his family, he doesn't talk down to his mother and complain about seeing the people who have dug him out of every hole over the last 10 years because he has to spend time with them on the holidays.

A good man actually enjoys their company and is grateful for their presence in his life. And if you don't believe this is important think about this, the way he talks about the people who have been in his life the last 30 odd years is probably the way he'll eventually come to talk about you! An ungrateful leopard doesn't change its ungrateful spots! Let him be spoiled rotten and leave this relationship to rot.

5. He yells to get his way

Absolutely not! If the guy your with chooses to be verbally abusive in an attempt to scare you so that he can "win" every argument then get out. There's no sense in discussing it he's obviously incapable of that. Winning the argument should mean the absolute least in a healthy relationship, true love is about making your partner feel truly happy and sometimes that means putting their happiness above the 5 year old child in you that wants to be right. If you can't win then look sister, you can't win

6. He's an emotional cheater

Remember that game you're annoying little brother used to play after your mom yelled at him to stop bothering you? "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you!" If he's "coming home to you" and "with you" and he's happy, then he won't need to text, flirt and hang out with other girls. Especially when you've told him that it makes you uncomfortable.

Of course every guy has the occasional cling on whore at work who seems to be perpetually single and is always asking him for office favors and texting him a little too late into the evening about that annoying meeting at work.

It may seem like he's growing up and having co-ed relationships but if he's going out of his way to be there for her without consulting you and your feelings first then he's an emotional cheater and just because "he's not touching her, he's not touching her" does not mean it's not equally offensive and destructive to your relationship.

7. He never pays for you

Maybe he's talked you into thinking that he's just a mature feminist and knows you can hold your own -but -hold -up- your man should be happy to pay for the two of you to have fun together and if you're a good girlfriend you'll prove that you can take care of yourself! Of course you'll occasionally play sugar mama if not eventually split everything 50/50.

But a good mature man knows that to keep you he has to continue to do the things that won you over and every man should know that insisting on taking the tab is the sexiest way to that. If he's not making an effort to continue to court you well into your relationship it's because he's not making the effort to keep you, c'est la vie the joy in love is to continue to feel loved

8. He gives you the silent treatment

The ultimate trademark of the immature adult male. If he's closing up because you opened up then where are you going? Nowhere! That's where. You're not a mind reader, your guy should know that!

He's not avoiding confrontation out of maturity he's avoiding communication out of immaturity. and always remember that a mature man doesn't not make you feel immature for sharing your feelings -or crazy -or difficult or anything negative at all.

Talking is the key to a healthy relationship and if he's making you feel like you shouldn't poke the bear then do yourself a favor and get out of the woods.

Happiness and How to Get It

LA Vie En Rose, I live my life in rose. I don’t know if it’s blind optimism or an idealist’s view of the life in front of me some days I worry that my perception of the world is really just me on the brink of pure madness. What I do know is that although I may appear to pop out of bed in the morning with daisies coming out of my ass, my search for constant happiness is actually hard work. I’ve learned from my pain and adversity that anything worth envying in this life does not come easy, not even happiness. My happiness is a source of hard work and dedication to build a happy life. I give a lot of advice to my friends who have called me many things: positive, bubbly, sweet, kind, loud, optimistic, idealist, happy, and giggly but an attribute I loved the most was resilience. I would be none of these things every day if it wasn’t for my resilience. In the advice I’ve given I’ve realized that a lot of my peers suffer from the same pains, fears, worries, and frustrations that use to and some days still do keep me down.

Some mornings I wake up and see my whole world La Vie En Rose, I hear the birds chipping, see the sun shining and Edith Piaf plays a French tune that I don’t understand so I don’t actually have to think about how it’s most likely a broken ballad about growing up in a whore house. Sigh. It’s a wonderful life. But let’s face it there are those days that are more like the bad parts of the FRIENDS theme song am I right? Like when it hasn’t been your day your week your month or even your year, Martha Kauffman just gets me. Your job is a joke…you’re broke. Like who wrote that song? Get out of my head! I don’t know the secret to eternal happiness I truly believe that there would not be real bliss without real sorrow. What I do know is how to build and rebuild a strong foundation, the roots that keep you grounded during even the worst of storms and I’ll share them with you now.

These are the five “corner” stones to happiness. Not necessarily in order of priority.

Be Well

Health, have you ever been on a plane while their doing that dummy happy demonstration of what to do if the plane suddenly loses oxygen? LIKE WHAT? The plane can SUDDENLY lose oxygen?! Anyways, in the event, the plane is not going down and you’re not plummeting to your death and praying that God forgives you for those “experimental” college years, you’re supposed to CALMLY take the oxygen mask and FIRST apply it to yourself then HELP OTHERS. Now terrifying plane analogy aside, the real point here is to HELP YOURSELF FIRST. Your health should be the single most important thing in your life because it is responsible for how your other relationships are affected. And by health, I do not mean Instagramming a piece of fruit or the acai bowl you got this morning because you feel healthy AF all of a sudden, and shit this is so good you could go vegan, yeah, I could do it! Fuck gluten! No, stop that. Your health is not just about the things you feed your body with but the things you feed your soul with, deep right. Feeding your soul is so important to long-term happiness. How do I feed my soul? That sounds ridiculous! Well, it’s not. You know that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you curl up next to a fire, watch the snow fall or dig your feet so far into the sand it feels cold on a hot beach day? Where do your warm fuzzy feelings stem from? Do those things, daily, hourly, nightly; BE A FUCKING LUSH. Those picturesque moments you see in old films will fill your life. Wellness is something that’s attainable for everything, it’s hard work to be healthy but you can do it whether its diet related or your mental health, point yourself in a direction of success and take small steps every day to get there. But the warm fuzzy moments those will help eliminate your stress and make you happier over all.

The Giving (Family) Tree

Family, and not necessarily the endurable at holidays only family or the relatives that are just out of reach that you catch up with and visit because well they’re blood. (They are important too obviously). I’m talking about the family that you build yourself made up of friends and people that have been in your life for as long as you can remember. The roots. This is your support system and it’s good to keep it well-nourished. The best way to nourish a relationship is to give and some would say without regard for getting back but I’m going to argue that. Kindness is the new black but when it comes to building your “family” you need to support those who support you back. If you have a one-sided relationship trust me the resentment will snowball and eventually blow up and if you have unfortunate timing like me it will most likely surface the moment you’re desperately searching for her missing veil with an ugly itchy dress (she had to approve even though you weren’t invited into the bridal party) on and your hair in a sideways bun (she’s already made fun of your for) that’s giving you a headache that for some reason is evoking every memory of her bitching at you about how pathetic the tattooed weirdos you date are and putting you down until you just throw your hands in the air and head to the bar. Fuck her veil! What the f are we doing in a catholic church anyway didn’t she convert to Buddhism for the last guy she dated? No! Don’t get to this point! If you are 25+ you need to look around you and realize some of these women just aren’t going to make it to the finish line. You can’t spread yourself too thin when it comes to love. Give the most to the relationships that deserve the most and most especially to the relationships that give back.

Work is a Four Letter Word

You know those quotes that are all “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life?” Well, they’re all true. If you’re in your twenties then by now you should know what your talent is. By now someone has told you that you’re good at something and by now you should know 5 things that you enjoy doing be it writing, decorating, drawing, yoga, etc. This should be you’re “work.” I’m not saying that you won’t also need a job to earn your cost of living alongside it, I’m saying that you need to separate the two work from the job. We are millennials and now in this age, the highest-grossing hotel has no actual hotel, the largest store has no actual store the possibilities for success are limitless thanks to the internet. If you dedicate yourself and some part of your day and salary to working towards your dream it will come true. Most people give up on their dreams because of words like practicality, the reality is they give up because they’re afraid of failure well guess what you can fail at a secure job too. So you don’t have to be afraid, you can be an accountant by day and a youtube guitar soloist by night, you can be a saleswoman and a blogger or a bartender and an actress or an artist and a fitness instructor or a yogi and a waitress. Your work is what you love, it’s not your job, it’s what you hope to make your job. Don’t ever give up on that, the only difference between you and the person who made their dreams come true is that?… they never stopped trying.

Girls Just Want to Have….

Fun. Everyone needs a little R&R. Whether you enjoy the spa or throwing back tequila shots on a Saturday night you deserve EVERY WEEK to take some time to unwind. This life is not just about the paychecks and deadlines, your boss, your mom, your rent, or your bullshit it’s about the moments and memories and laughs with friends. You cannot spend every week channeling Sara Jessica Parker in I don’t know how she does it! You will go crazy from the stress because let’s face it life is stressful. So find the time for you, your time.

The 15 Hardest Lessons you Learn in Your Twenties

You’re twenties are going to be a time of soul searching and by soul searching I mean literally searching for your soul because like what the f**k is my soul? And where did it go? And when did it leave to begin with? You will be in an existential and very real chaotic mess of learning the realities of life along with the ups and downs of getting through them. It will be a decade of putting out fires and during this time you will learn (the hard way) a lot of valuable lessons. I could probably write a book about the wrong turns I’ve made in my 2os but most importantly instead of NO REGRETS I decided to get to KNOW my REGRETS. Here are the 15 hardest lessons I’ve learned thus far in my twenties.

The 15 hardest lessons to learn before you turn 30.

1. To let go

In your twenties you will begin to uncover more and more hardships in life, sick parents, loss of jobs, loss of friends and through these hardships the people who truly care about you will come forward and the people who don’t will drag you backwards. Learning to let go of toxic relationships will be one of the hardest and most valuable lessons you learn. All I can say is be kind and true to yourself and the things that make you happy and BYE HATERS.

2. To prioritize

Remember when your week schedule looked something like this…

Monday: 11:15-12pm class

Tuesday: Taco Tuesday

Wednesday:

11:15am-12pm Lab

Ladies Ski Night!

Thursday:

11am-2pm Class

Thirsty THURSDAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY!!!

Those really were the best of times. Remember how stressed you were? You were so dumb. Now my days are so hectic that I can’t even fit all my appointments onto my daily planner. I have to make lists in the notes section of my Iphone to remember what the f I have to do today, I wake up at 4am because I’ve forgotten 3 items! Learning to prioritize is going to be difficult. Obviously revenue generating activities will inevitably come first, then you’re health to deal with the stress and depression of said revenue generating activities, then youre friends and family because god help you, then fun OH THE FUN it really does feel better earned… right?

3. To save money

This is difficult because in your twenties you’re most likely not making enough money to save. So if anything invests, invest in insurance, a retirement fund if your work offers it and try, try, try to put 10% into an emergency fund.

4. To say no

I have the most trouble with this but you cannot do it all. Some people aren’t going to like it but you know what people like less? When you cancel at the last minute or lead someone on. Learn to say no, it’s okay.

5. To take weekends off

Although the fun in your life is necessary sometimes you need a weekend off. If youre like me theres always an event or two or three or five and texts at the last minute and after a hard week it’s so difficult to not want to cut loose. However, recharging is so important to your well-being. Sometimes a weekend in bed or a stay-cation is worth a hundred mimosas!

6. To travel alone

Take it from someone with bad flight anxiety the stress of travel can be one of the most difficult things to manage. However, if you’re in your twenties you will inevitably have to learn how to travel alone. Practice makes perfect. Learn how much money to have with you, to save for an emergency, to book a flight, to navigate on the road and how to keep calm and focused when renting cars and checking into hotels alone.

7. To honor your commitments

You’re twenties can be a time of paycheck to paycheck chaos along with learning the ups and downs of car troubles, work deadlines and unfortunately unexpected emergencies. However, the hardest lesson I learned was over committing for the sake of trying to make it to something. I realize now that my commitments mean something and saying no to 4 to give a firm yes to one is worth it in the end.

8. To forgive

Just like Don Henley sang (after he got sick of the Maserati,) I think it’s about forgiveness. If you’re on the crest of 30, someone has hurt you, deeply. It’s time to forgive. And forgiveness does not mean running to them and hugging them and reuniting. Forgiveness is more about letting go of the pain they’ve caused you and moving forward, let the universe deal with their karma

9. To communicate

COMMUNICATION. Swallow your pride because it ain’t like the movies. In friendship, with family and ESPECIALLY in a relationship it’s all about talking it out. If you still think banging the dishes around is going to get you attention it’s time to grow up. Communicate how you feel, it’s the ONLY way to get what you want

10. To cook atleast 5 meals

This is not anti-feminist its fucking practical. Everyone, guys and gals, should learn how to cook atleast a handful of meals or appetizers, salads, desserts what have you. You will be invited to parties, showers, new apartments, house warmings and funerals in your twenties. Other than a nice scotch the best thing you can show up with is something home-made.

11. To throw a party

Why is this a hard lesson? Because you’re becoming an adult, this is not the “we ordered a keg be by around 8” type of gig, I’m talking about an actual party, gala, event, shower, charitable gathering, meeting ect. Learn how to convine and entertain your friends it will carry you though your life.

12. To comfort a friend

Ladies “Yeah, that sucks,” is not how you comfort a friend. If you’re still freezing up awkwardly and dodging calls after a close friends break up because you just like don’t know what to say to her, fuck you. You don’t deserve friends. Everyone should know how to give some kind of comforting words, or advice to a friend in need even a bottle of wine and just listening is something.

13. To shop for a baby/wedding gift

If your eternally broke like myself then learn how to give thoughtful gifts or cards. However, it is important to give a gift to mark these occasions. Find even a staple you like giving and make it personal with a card or quote but gift giving is a love language and sometimes just something you gotta cough up some dough on.

14. To ask for help

Long gone are the days when you could DIY. Date Saturday, trig exam Monday and a track meet DONE. Life unfortunately isn’t that easy anymore. It’s more like 20k quota, two weddings, a baby shower, hospital visit, 3 extra shifts at your old restaurant and dog sitting? Also don’t forget that you need to EAT. Ask for help, learn to delegate, say no and most especially ask for advice.

10 Red Flags of the Recently Unrequited Male

Most guys go through a phase after break ups that can be post-apocalyptic.

If he’s broken up with someone serious in the last 6 months you have a better chance of surviving The Hunger Games than you do at turning this into a real relationship. However, you will inevitably fall victim to the recently unrequited and here are some of the signs you should look for to make sure you’re not going to be his emotional punching bag while he gets over Brittany the stick figure brunette yoga cracked out vegetarian nurse with the ARE THOSE HER REAL TITS ex. Whoops was that too personal?

Also, keep in mind that YOU ARE THE PRIZE. It is not you’re job to scrape his sorry ass off the concrete and lick his wounds or anything else for that matter. You deserve a real man and unfortunately this is the empty shell of what used to maybe almost be one, I mean come on he got dumped for a reason. Here are the 10 red flags of the recently unrequited male.

1. Has he brought up his ex in conversation?

Now there are two ways a guy can bring up his ex, he can tell you what happened, what he learned, what he expects from you. WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA’AM. This could be a sign of maturity, he’s moving on and he’s not going to let a crazy bitch who throws his cell phone at his face and tire slashes his car back into his life again. Okay, maybe not a red flag… But if you’ve heard every miserable detail of this god-forsaken, how did they not end up on an episode of Law & Order break up over dinner while you’re handing over the tissues from a safe distance then um… check please?

2. Has he taken a call or text from his ex in front of you?

Do they share a child, because if not, this isn’t really acceptable. If he explains that they’re still friends and is being honest about it…okay…feel it out…maybe it’s important. However, if seeing her name pop up on his phone sends him in to a comatose like stage of depression and existential questions about life and yet he still answers leaving you stranded and starting to wonder about your existence… then run, run far, far away.

3. Does he test boundaries?

In the first few months with someone you should be so far up each others asses you forget what sunlight is. This is the beginning, your still in that did I wake up like this or did I just go throw light powder on and brush my teeth? I say I do yoga 3 times a week but you haven’t spent enough time with me to realize that sometimes instead of namaste, I namaste the fuck in bed. If he’s already testing boundaries like a little kid it’s because he last chick didn’t let him get away with something and he’s going to see if you will. There’s no real way to win here, he’s officially reverted to being a 7 year old boy who’s mom has told him to wash his hands before dinner and he’s going to wet the sink, wet the towel and wet his hands but wash them? Nah, he’s not going to.

4. Besides a mattress is there any real furniture in his apartment?

I don’t know why but post-apocalyptic break-up guy leaves their home or apartment also looking post-apocalyptic. If you’re genuinely worried that closet has zombies in it, you felt SOMETHING crawl on you on the couch, there’s no toilet paper, nor signs that there ever was and the shower looks like a greenhouse, he’s not ready. Don’t even get me started on the fridge, milk and beer, that’s what will be in there, possibly some minced garlic and old butter from a time where he used to cook for someone… but I wouldn’t open the freezer, it won’t help my case, and OH MY GOD is that a gravity bong?

5. Does he let the dog sleep in the bed?

If you are pushed aside for a furry four legged creature of any kind on dates 1-5 without him asking a simple “Does he bother you?” Then get out. That dog has seen the worst of this break up and has been his loyal companion during the crying phase, the horror movie phase, the drunk to a point of almost dead phase, the porn phase and now this… you may be the random hook up phase. If he can’t put the dog out for a night and let you take the other half of the bed it’s because you don’t mean as much as the dog, and after getting him through that mess of emotions you may not deserve to. You’re just a stupid girl, a rib of the same that broke his heart. And don’t try to get in good with the dog either, thats just pathetic, let him fall asleep hugging a pillow and be on you’re way, drool free.

6. Speaking of the random hook up phase…

I read an article once that said because of mens inability to process their emotions it can take up to a full year to process the aftermath of a bad break up, okay it was a column, okay it was a blurb, okay it was in Cosmo, whatever. This still could mean it takes a full year to process all the phases of a break-up, and still furthering the random hook-up phase. For most girls this is easy to spot, but I’ll try to spell it out for all you morons who think true love conquers all. If he’s more interested in how and when he’s going to get you into bed… then…he’s…probably…in… it. Does he pick dates close to home? Does he suggest Netflix first every time? Is his head on a swivel at the bars? Has he paid for drinks of any kind? Does his phone chime so much you begin to twitch at the sound of it? Worse…has he silenced it? Did you meet him on Tinder? I mean post week 3 see signs A-Z …you should know by now if you’re just a hook-up.

7. Does he constantly make non-committal comments?

If he’s poo-pooing marriage, relationships, commitment or the idea of a second date it’s because he wanted all of the above and a bag of chips with the vegan nurse and she left him high and dry to do downward dog with her yoga instructor. Most guys make these comments, hell these days, myself included, most girls make these comments. However, week 8 and beyond are about slowly taking the steps towards a relationship and if he’s pumping the breaks every step of the way then maybe you should too or communicate what you want… that’s an easier way to get what you want…dumbass.

8. Do his hobbies include drinking…and…nothing else.

If he hasn’t entered a gym or left the house between 5-10pm to do anything but head to the nearest watering hole then… he may be an alcoholic or still mourning his loss, or both. If this bro considers raging an extra-curricular, is smoking more weed than your dorm hook up, has an empty box of cigarettes in every room of the house and can’t stop talking about the upcoming house-music concert then EEEEEK! He’s gone back to being a freshman in college and is re-living his glory days much like grouper and flounder and he will live and die by the bro code and that means your ho ass is second to his bros. Most likely his unstable diet of pizza and beer has provided the lack of nutrients needed to induce proper brain function anyways.

9. Has it been 6 weeks and there’s no sign of a “real date.”

What’s a real date? A real date is what you do with a real person, not this empty, broken, whiskey soaked, cigarette drenched, Vonnegut quoting, love sore junkie. Real people go see movies, and eat dinner (not drink it) and cook, and stay sober more than 9 hours a day and let you pick the movie, and hang out when there;s no sign of getting laid. He may not be ready to be a real person, which means he’s not ready for the real dates.

10. Is he making plans for the future?

No, not you’re future with him you psycho you’ve been dating a month, stop looking up your compatibility on daily astrology dot com and daydreaming about you’re wedding. You are crazy! HIS FUTURE, has he mentioned anything in the first month that makes you believe that he believes he has one. A promotion? An upcoming trip? Anything? Or does the thought of plans this weekend make him act like you’re pulling teeth? Post break up can be a time of embracing change and also a time of the proverbial free fall. Do not strap your pretty buggy to a free faller. He’ll end up soaring while you wake up stunned on the sidewalk.

12 Signs You're In A Relationship With The Winter 'Faux-Boyfriend'

Instead of a Winter Throw did you invest in a Winter Beau? Have you ever had the sneaking suspicion that Winter Winds blew you into this bed? Did you lack the affordance of a winter coat this fall so instead you snuggled up and clung to a warm body? Do you spend a lot of couch time watching the movie Warm Bodies?

You could be with the Winter Faux Boyfriend and here are some tell tale signs that this is not a man for all seasons, but could definitely save you some money on heating in this one. Grab a FAUX-BEAU because WINTER IS COMING!

It’s Halloween and you’re feeling the sting of being alone …or that first winter chill in your bed, whatever. Put on your cat ears and red lipstick and prepare for the hunt! This year you’re out looking for treats…but willing to perform a few tricks. So you’ve had you’re eye set on that cute co-worker but instead you end up making out with one of your guy friends at an end of the night kareoke bar… you’ll kick him next weekend….
It’s Thanksgiving and you find yourself feeling vulnerable after 3 hours of hearing your family ask why you’re still single? Great time to use Halloween hook-ups number and text him a silly picture of your family dog laying on a blanket stiched with pictures of other dogs. That outta get the ball rolling with some flirtatious texting because right now you’re one Aunt Mildy hug short of taking that turkey leg and beating your family over the head with it! Sparkling CIDER? Is everyone an alchololic after 50? Good thing he’s heading out to the nearest bar and they have enough Christmas lights up to make it look “festive” that you’ll be chugging Maple Whiskey as soon as you come through the door.
Is your main foundation of commonality built around the television? He likes all those slap-stick 80’s comedies that remind you of your childhood at grandma’s too? Well open up the holiday party left-overs in your tacky sweaters after a night of chugging southern comfort’s pre made eggnog at an high-school holiday reunion bash because you’re in for the night, the long night.
Have you woken up and had virtually no idea where you were even though you’ve been sleeping there for over a month? Do you deduce where you are by trying to remember what shoes went with those tights on the floor and where exactly you picked up those flashing reindeer headbands… Oh yeah, the neighbors party you two crashed because you were literally too cold to make it up the stairs to his apartment. Now the moment where he proposed putting on a liquor coat is coming back to you
Are you smoking weed again? Did I somehow manage to Christmas Wish my way back to high-school? What is it about the faux-winter boyfriend that makes you want to get high and watch Elf? Ask him for a pair of socks and crack that 6-er of Naddy that’s been sitting in his fridge since god knows when and get prepared to giggle, the sheer calorie burn will help keep the both of you warm.
It’s closing time and you know who you want to take you home? You’re really not even that into him but it’s 2 am the bars are closing and the wind is howling through the crack in the door from the bouncer opening it for the closing crowd. Let’s face it you’re not going home to brave the cold alone. Netflix and chill?
Are all of your meals left-overs? Cold pizza, party chips, family dinners, christmas cookies for the neighbors? It’s like grandma’s! Except it’s the equivalent of a frat house and you’re having sex for roof but let’s keep the innocence alive by getting everyone on board for Christmas Vacation and whatever’s left of the champagne some chick popped when she came over to make out with his roommate last night.
Have you gone on a date with this guy? Or do you just keep meeting each-other out at all your friends holiday get togethers or whatever bar has the tackiest christmas and new years decor? If you keep waking up unsure of your whereabouts but pulling tinsel from your hair you know the answers here.
New Year Same Shit! Make no mistake this will be your New Years Kiss. Probably, but then again new year new me and I don’t really like this guy. Okay, you’ve decided January 1st you’re kissing someone new and this is so over. It may be freezing but I am woman hear me roar, or hear my ringtone when I call you at 11:27 on New Years Eve to find out where you are because I had way too much champagne and cranberry sangria.
Well we rung in the New Year together may as well keep him around through Valentines Day now, you don’t want to end up at home crying watching Sid and Nancy like you did last year. Plan a “girls night” to play it safe. You’ll finish 50 Shades of Grey just in time to go to the Red Light Green Light bar party that will through you both into a fit of severe anxiety not knowing what this “relationship” is and not wanting to spend Valentines Day discussing it so be cool and don’t label.
It’s starting to warm up outside, you’ve watched Dumb and Dumber together at least 20 times and you’re starting to repeat funny stories. Also his leg is kind of sticking to your leg in the morning because he refuses to pay for ac until its sweltering outside. This could be you’re ticket to back out. But things have gotten so… comfortable…
You back off and talk about plans several months out that involve boats and dancing in the streets and bathing suits but secretly you’ve rejoined Tinder in the hopes of finding someone you actually want to do those things with. You’re relationship now mainly consists of texting each other movie lines from the invariable films you watched during your hibernation. C’est La Vie Winter Faux-Boyfriend, next year perhaps!

7 Things To Know Before Dating The Wary Girl

The girl with the guarded heart can be the best relationship you ever have. We have been through bad times, come out stronger and can therefore be the best and most supportive partners to see you through yours. We are independent, successful, resilient, strong and most likely have had enough dysfunction in life to make us funny. However, behind that warm inviting laughter and big smile is a heart that’s padlocked shut and you’re not the first to come in torch a blazing. If you’re interested in dating the guarded heart here are some things you should know first, these are 7 ways to woo the wary.

1. The Guarded Heart.

It’s guarded for a reason. It’s guarded because it’s been shattered before, no, not by a first love, not because her college boyfriend fooled around with the girl down the hall in the dorms, her heart has been truly shattered. Learning to love a guarded heart takes, more than anything, patience, because that heart will not open up for a long, maybe very long time. Practice patience, if you are kind, over time, you’ll chip away at those who weren’t in the past.

2. Independence Is A Virtue.

We worked hard for this life, most likely with a lot of drawbacks and obstacles other people didn’t have to over come and we are not willing to share it with anyone, much less a new love. Our life, our privacy, and our successes are our own and we are DAMN proud of them. Be supportive without smothering, most-likely this will be a life long lesson as we don’t really believe in sharing, but support, we’ll take that.

3. F-R-I-E-N-D-S

Our friends are our family and they come first. Most likely if she’s been kicked around she’s surrounded her self with an army of friends that have gotten her through the most difficult times of her life and she would bleed for them. You will never be on this level, they come first. The best thing you can gain is their respect and show them that you care and hope to be around as long as they have.

4. Money is an issue.

Money is a form of control, and we don’t like to be controlled. Maybe in the first few months we’ll let you woo, every girl knows not to emasculate their new bae but as far as long term goes expect that check to split down the middle, we will never have a shared bank account, my things are my things, respect will get you a LONG way in this regard.

5. Time and Space.

We need both ALOT. If you’re with a girl who has trust issues then she will shut you out sometimes. This is not because she’s a heartless bitch. It’s because she has done everything in her life alone or worse somehow managed to do it with the weight of the world on her shoulders and abuse in the place of support. She does not know how to let you in. Respect her space, give her time alone, but it doesn’t hurt to let her know you’re there to lend a helping hand. She most likely won’t ask for it, if she does you are the luckiest man on this earth.

6. Plans are a 4 Letter Word.

Most likely she’s made them before, most likely they’ve been dreams that have dashed and divided like dynamite crashed into them. She has hurdled through some of the most difficult times by simply surviving the punches. Making plans gives her anxiety because the rug has been pulled out from underneath her before. Go easy in this department, live in the moment. Share you’re thoughts for your future separate of your relationship, give her time to picture herself in it.

7. Pressure.

You’ll most likely hear her scream this word at you the most and won’t understand it. Our life has been less than perfect and full of pain which in turn has made us less than perfect and full of pain. It takes a very select few to be able to calm our nerves and make us feel safe the rest find us too difficult and run into the arms of something easier and less dark and twisty. If you truly care you’ll sit back and wait for us to come to you. If we don’t think you have what it takes to bring our walls down then believe me, we’ve done you a favor.

30 Times Movie Titles Could Also Title My Love Life Under 30

30 Times Movie Titles Could Also Title My Love Life Under 30

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
10 Things I Hate About You
Clueless
Apocalypse Now
Sex, Lies and Videotape
That Awkward Moment
Fight Club
The Jerk
Psycho
He’s Just Not That Into You
Some Like It Hot
Singles
The Chase
How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days
Dazed and Confused
As Good As It Gets
Unforgiven
3 Idiots
Dangerous Liaisons
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
Heat
No Country for Old Men
Catch Me If You Can
The Crying Game
Kill Bill
Sin City
Stalker
The Seven Year Itch
Titanic
It Happened One Night

28 Dumbest Things You'll Be Asked in Interviews Under The Age of 28

In your early twenties you will go on a lot of interviews, wide-eyed and ready for the real world, and you will be looked at like a kindergartner and treated like a moron. Worst of all you will have to sit there while some fat old white guy who referes to you as a “millenial” looks over your resume and makes some kind of condencinding remark about how you’ve managed to “jump around alot.” But you will most definitlely be asked at least 10 out of the following 28 questions and you will want to respond accordingly.

1. What color best describes your personality?

Um… this question makes me SEE RED.

2. You’re on a plane with 5 people and its crashing, what do you do?

Are you f*cking kidding me? The Paris Hilton prank video doesn’t come close to what I’d do! What the hell would your old white ass do Bob?

3. How would you describe yourself in one word?

IRRITATED, with this question.

4. What are your weaknesses?

This is a trick, and you need to be tricky back. Say a strength disguised as a weakness, like you work too hard.

5. Can you tell me about your friends?

Um no. I’m the beta, is that helpful? The ones who aren’t married or don’t have law degrees have stabilized themselves in two to three year growth opportunities while Ive pranced around to 50 different internships.

6. What did you like the least about your last job?

The fact that they fired me.

7. Why do you want this job?

Because I don’t have one.

8. Give me an example of a time you went above and beyond the call of duty at work.

They will literally say “above and beyond the call of duty,” like you’re up for a Purple Heart.

9. What irritates you about other people and how do you deal with it?

You’re irritating me right now, how am I doing?

10. Are you a team player?

Like sports teams?

11. What was the most difficult period in your life and how did you deal with it?

Bob, you’re trying to get real deep here, and we just met.

12. Sell me this pen.

What?

13. What motivates you at work?

Paying my internet every month so I can keep binge watching Netflix.

14. What do you spend most of your free time doing?

Binge watching Netflix.

15. How would your friends describe you?

To my face or behind my back?

16. Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Dude, I’m not positive where I see myself this weekend! Still got a lot of options up in the air.

17. Tell me about this company.

Isn’t that what your’e here for…

18. Why do you want to work for us?

I need a job.

19. Would you consider yourself a leader?

A leader, um, that depends, where are we going?

20. What makes you special?

You’re not special, don’t answer that.

21. If you didn’t need money, what would your dream job be?

Who doesn’t need money! My dream job would be being that person!

22. Do you get sick often?

I get hang overs often. Is that what this question is alluding to?

23. How do you handle criticism?

This is code for will you cry when I yell at you?

24. What is your spirit animal?

Huh?

25. What questions do you have for me?

What are you going to pay me?

26. What are your strengths?

I have 1 MILLION, let me begin.

27. Why should I hire you?

Because I’m asking you to…

28. Tell me a little about yourself.

Oh, Jesus. List 3 things and move on do’t write your autobiography.

Be Well

The Giving (Family) Tree

Work is a Four Letter Word

Girls Just Want to Have….