Author: sammi

It's funny how this world works, isn't it? 

"If you ever need anything, I'm here for you!" How many times have you heard those words? Or, "Don't worry, I'm never going to leave you." Yeah right. Been there, been told that. It sucks, doesn't it? 

How people can lie to your face, but at the time you don't know that they are lying. But you should know that they are lying, because this happens over and over again. And there you are again, the girl who everyone left.

Remember that time where you had a huge slump and fell into a long stage of deep depression? It's funny how many people stayed around during that time. Because you didn't want to go out, or you were always down in the dumps when around them, they decided to stop inviting you to events, to stop talking to you. But that's okay, but because you're the girl who everyone left. 

What about the time that you got shit faced drunk and just started making no sense? Maybe you made out with a random guy, maybe you went to jail, maybe you threw up everywhere. 

The next day, everyone called you an alcoholic whore. When you texted them asking to hang out, they don't respond. You know that you messed up, and you're hoping for a second chance, I guess not. But that's okay, because you're the girl who everyone left.

That boy, oh that beautiful boy. You two were amazing together and perfect couple. But then he tells you that you guys are breaking up and can only be friends. He says that he will always be there for you, but never returns your texts or calls. You cry for days wondering what you did wrong, and you will never know. 

You feel a pattern start to sink in. You tell yourself, "I've been like this before." That's because you're the girl who everyone left.

You have now learned that nobody is going to be there for you when you need them and you don't know what to do. You panic and try calling the people who promised to be there, but nobody answers. You breathe heavily and pace back and forth until you want to be the girl who left everyone.

But you're better than that, and you know it. You don't need people who treat you like that and give you false hope. You know that if they were worth it, they would be there for you. 

Chin up darling, the worst is over. Life gets better and you'll meet your true friends. You'll learn who is there for you and who is faking it. But you can't let yourself down. Now you will be known as the girl who helped everyone.

Why?

When I woke up in the morning next to the empty condom wrapper, I couldn’t even cry. I was speechless and astonished. I kept telling myself, “this didn’t happen. not again. no no no no.” Then it hit me, I was indeed raped, again. You broke me down and took advantage of me. As soon as I saw you the morning after it happened, the flashbacks hit me. I remembered you entering the bedroom when I told you to leave. I remembered telling you to lay on the floor because the bed was mine. Did you listen? No. You said, “You’ll be fine. You’re just drunk, relax.” Then I felt your hand on my back and I jumped out of bed. I ran towards the door screaming, “I don’t want to be raped again, stop!” What was running through your head? It’s as if you knew I was vulnerable and unable to do anything. I reached for the door and you pulled me away saying, “Nobody is going to rape you,” as you began to.

It’s funny, though, because your friends all blame me and say it was my fault. What you saw was a drunk college girl going to a party, looking for some what. What I saw was a young college girl just trying to have fun and after go to sleep. Society puts the blame on me, though, because I was drunk. Society doesn’t care about the part where I cried and begged you to stop. I had tears streaming down my face as I tried to fight my flashbacks away. No, society doesn’t care about that because I was just a drunk girl who wanted to have some fun. Society doesn’t call it rape, they call it consensual sex because I never actually said the word “No.” Instead I said, “Stop.” But don’t those mean the same thing? I guess not.

After all this happened, you made me a stronger person. I am most definitely not thanking you for what you did, but I have learned to be stronger than I was before. No longer do I let people take advantage of me. Whether it be from lending them money over and over, to letting someone do what you did. I hope you do know, though, that you did not take my dignity. I am who I was before, stronger than ever. I wonder how you live with yourself knowing what you did. Some answers I may never get, and I’m okay with that. My only question is, though, why?