Author: Sammy Parsons

Sad… just doesn’t cut it.

You feel so much, but yet, you feel nothing at all.

You are so emotionally drained, you are numb and you are left with no hope, no motivation and even getting out of bed is a struggle, that you can’t bring yourself to.

Before you know it, you aren’t even living, just existing.

People think depression is something minor, something just to “get over”, but if it was that easy, we wouldn’t cringe at the thought of it. Those who suffer, know depression is a demon and it is a constant uphill battle.

What is depression?

For many, it’s a nightmare that you are trapped in and no matter how hard you pinch yourself, you can’t wake up. It’s an illness that sucks out every little bit of energy you have, it takes over your thoughts, your brain and eventually your whole life. Fighting to have your life back is so important, but so hard when it has stolen all your motivation. We never really know why we feel this way, especially when there is so much to be grateful for.

But the dictionary says, “Depress- to make sad or gloomy; lower in spirits; deject; dispirit.”

If depression was just what the dictionary described it as, I wouldn’t be as scared to face it again, I wouldn’t be as worried about falling into my old slump of not being able to get out of bed. But if depression was only just being sad and lower spirit, I wouldn’t be this strong today.

Even just one second that depression takes from me, is a second too long in my eyes. Although depression has taken many seconds from me, more like months out of my life, I refuse to let it take another day from me. I refuse to suffer alone because I have a voice and people who care for me, people who want to help. The people who seen the potential in me when I had saw none in myself.

Depression has not just stolen from me, but my loved ones. For a while they lost me, they lost my smile, my laugh and the person who they love deeply. The first day I couldn’t get out of bed was when I had first saw the fear in my mom’s eye. A fear of being helpless and not knowing what to do. After cancelling plans with my friends’ time after time and getting a reply of “It’s okay, I understand.” When I wasn’t the one who was understanding, understanding how hard my depression was on them.

It didn’t take long before I had built up these walls that I thought would protect my family and friends. But really I was only worsening their pain by not letting them in, not letting them help me as I would help them. I never distanced myself because I didn’t love them, but because I didn’t love me. They were strong for me, when I was anything but strong.

Now looking back at the hard times, if I could say something to my depression it’s not “I hate you”, “You destroyed me” or any negative words at all. Because being negative is only a part of being depressed and a part I can’t let myself go back to. I would thank my depression. Thank you, for shaping me, for turning me into this caring person who is understanding, who is always ready to lend an ear and always finding the good in the darkest times. Thank you for turning me into this bad ass bitch who is fearless and unstoppable.

In the moment, I thought depression was weakening me, destroying me, making me crumble and collapse to my knees. But really, it was making me grow stronger, wiser and determined, because once you defeat the demon within you, it’s hard to let anything else bring you down.

Although, yes I still struggle somedays. There are even days I lay in bed an extra minute fighting with myself to get up, and those days are the days I am grateful for. Grateful I only stay in bed an extra minute, instead of the whole day, grateful I AM NOT falling into my old slump. Grateful because the hardest struggle of depression is pushing yourself to be better and I will never stop pushing myself.

Sometimes time can make us stronger to face things, but I don’t think it does anything to help fill a void left in our hearts. 

At least I don’t think this void can be refilled by anyone in any amount of time.

Because some say with time it gets easier, but isn’t that just us learning to live without? 

‘Time’ will never stop us from wondering, hoping, wishing for one last hug, for one last phone call. 

‘Time’ doesn’t make it any easier to say their name, to look at a picture and not shed a tear knowing this picture can never be retaken.

But what time can do is, make us love stronger, value every moment, every memory and every second, good or bad. 

It takes something big to make us realize life is too short to waste a minute. We truly don’t know what tomorrow will bring.We learn not to live without them, but for them and with their memory forever engrained in our hearts. 

We realize they don’t need to be here physically for us to carry out their dreams. 

We learn that this void in our hearts isn’t as empty as we first thought. Because even though they left us and took this part of our heart with them, they left a part of theirs, a part that will live on, not through them… but through us. 

Time teaches us how to smile, not through the pain nor the heartache, but in memory of the good times they left us with. 

We learn that although their death was tragedy, their life was blessing and we were lucky enough to have known them.

You are known as the crowd pleaser, you can make everyone laugh when they are at their lowest, you brighten a room up just with your presence. 

Everyone describes you as outgoing, and full of life, you’re a ray of sunshine. Going out with friends, you seem to be the happiest, you can drink and make any of the emotions you were hiding behind that smile go away. You are the life of the party, you keep the laughs going and everyone’s spirits high. 

But it’s when the party is over and the door closes that terrible demon within you comes out. 

Your smile shifts, your laugh fades, and with it, the world darkens. You are left with no emotions, completely numb, you aren’t sure what to feel or if you can even feel anything. You are coming off your high, the high that you got from making others laugh and smile. 

You feel empty. Confused on why someone that was just so happy and full of life could feel this way. With that empty feeling you start to feel weak. You can’t seem to find inner happiness. 

It’s like you can only find the brightness when others are around, you feed off of their smile and laugh. But inside, you’re hurting, yelling for help, but are afraid to reach out. 

You’re afraid people might not believe you because you always seem so happy around others. Or even worse, you’re afraid people will think you are weak or faking it because you always seem to smile around other people. 

When in reality, you’re hiding behind that smile. You protect your loved ones by making them laugh, because the last thing you want them to see is that you’re struggling. You fear that if they find out they could blame themselves.

You fear the questioning, “are you really depressed?” and “how can you be so happy one second but then so empty the next?” These are the questions you ask yourself but have no answers to.

You feel crazy and alone… Unable to deal with your emotions, you push them aside and surround yourself with people. You make them laugh and smile. You brighten their day and feed off their smiles to fuel your own.

But it’s when that door closes that the demon returns and your world darkens. And it turns into a vicious cycle.

Between the cookouts and baseball games, Father's Day is when most of us get to spend some quality time with the special men in our lives we're lucky enough to call "Dad," or "Grandpa."

For some of us, however, watching others getting to celebrate this Hallmark holiday with their dads is just a painful reminder of what we don't have. We wish we could jump into a time machine and appreciate our fathers one last time before they left us.

Just to be able to hold on to the memories for a little while longer. One last hug, one last heart-to-heart conversation, one last chance to say "Dad, I love you," or here him say "I'm proud of you." We feel left out, it seems as though everyone around us has something special and we don't.

It never seemed as if having a dad was "special" until you no longer do. Until you walk down the aisle's of any store in June and begin to get choked up as you pass the "#1 Dad" mugs and beer steins. It's the reminder that you don't have a magnet to buy, or a game ticket to purchase.

Until you see the empty seat at your college graduation ceremony, or the realization that your father will never hold your future children. 

You can no longer call him to ask for advice on how to change a spare tire. He's not around to teach you his special trick for char-grilling those hamburgers just the way you like them. 

You don't have that special man in your life to threaten potential suitors if they dare hurt you. The big strong man who was there to protect you since the day you were born is no longer around.

It's hard not to regret not spending more time with him. The guilt we feel over not letting him tell you that famous fishing story for the thousandth time is unmeasurable. 

It's an indescribable feeling to someone who has never lost a parent. 

As the fatherless witness all the happy families celebrating, it's not easy to wrap your head around. That no, we can't go back. We can't relive the days we had our dad here. 

Some days are harder than others. Some days it feels as if the grief is about to consume us and swallow us whole. But then we have to remember, our dads wouldn't want us to feel this way.

My father would tell me not to cry, not to get angry at the uncontrollable, not to feel left out. It's hard, but that's what he would have wanted. 

He would want me to remember the good times and smile. Smile because we knew him. Laugh because he made us laugh — even though his jokes were horribly corny. 

We have to cherish the memories we have of him and share the stories with others. 

And we always have to tell ourselves that he loved us, more than words can express because he did. 

We have to spend today happy because that's how our dads would want us to be. Today isn't a day about realizing what is no longer here, but a day about remembering. 

Remembering the great man we called "Dad."

For those who still have their dads, hug them tight, tell them you love them, spend the day with them, or even just pick up the phone and call them. You don't realize how special the days you have to spend with your dad are, until those days are gone.