Author: Sheston

Letting go is never easy.

Whether we know it’s the right time, or for the right reasons, or that it’s just simply for the best.

Sometimes we don’t want to let go. We want more than anything to hold on, to fight. We want to be in love and make it work no matter the cost.

They say letting go is easy, but I don’t believe it. I think letting go is harder than holding on. Letting go takes strength, courage…it takes understanding that sometimes letting go is better for you both.

The truth is, holding on to something you know is best to let go of is wrong. You lose yourself along the way. You could stay, you could make it work, but you’d be lost. You’d be settling. You’d always question the ‘what ifs’.

Because it’s true, you deserve so much more than the life you’ve been dealing with.

You shouldn’t be crying yourself to sleep because you feel broken.

You shouldn’t sit in your car in the driveway when you get home because it’s easier than walking inside.

You don’t deserve to have arguments where the blame is constantly being pushed…fights where somehow the tables turn and it becomes your fault, and you end up having to apologize.

You don’t deserve to face your struggles and problems alone.

You don’t deserve to be yelled at or disrespected because he’s had a rough day.

You don’t deserve to be controlled. You don’t deserve to be with someone who punishes you for having a life outside of him. Or someone that makes you feel guilty for wanting to do something for yourself.

You don’t deserve someone who makes excuses for all their wrong doings…or someone who has no desire to do better.

You don’t deserve someone who intentionally hurts you when they’re upset with you.

You don’t deserve to be called names. Someone who boosts their own ego by calling you a bitch, or tells you that you’re fat.

You don’t deserve to feel alone when you’re not alone. You don’t deserve to give someone 100% when they give you nothing in return. You should never have to feel unloved, or feel that you’re not good enough, or not pretty.

Because to someone you’re more than enough. You are beautiful. And someone will love you more than they can put into words.

That kind of love is out there. That kind of happiness does exist. That’s the kind of love you deserve.

So, it’s going to hurt. You’re going to feel broken. It won’t be easy. You’ll question afterwards if you made the right decision. At times, you may find yourself picking up the phone in an attempt to take it all back.

Some nights you’ll cry yourself to sleep. Some days you’ll find it hard to get out of bed.

But it will get easier. Every day it will get easier.

And eventually when your heart has had some time to heal, you’ll feel relieved.

Your shoulders will feel lighter. You’ll find it easier to breathe, easier to smile.

You’ll find happiness in places you didn’t know it existed. You’ll start to find yourself again, and love yourself again.

At some point, you’ll appreciate what you went through. You’ll appreciate the bad because without it you wouldn’t know how to appreciate the good.

And its then you’ll realize that letting go is what you needed. Letting go helped you find your way. Letting go helped you grow. Letting go allowed you to feel free. Letting go is what healed you the most.

So, I know it’s hard. I know it’s not easy. I know you want to press the fast-forward button so that you can let go and not feel the pain that follows. But I promise you this, it will be worth it. You will get better. You will get stronger. You will find yourself. And you will find happiness again.

But step one is letting go.

picture source: https://pixabay.com

“I want to live and love recklessly. Fly higher, drive faster, feel too deeply and act on things in spite of fear. I want to be out of control, laugh to no end, meet more strange people, make memories when I’m least expecting it, settle less, and see things that are beautiful and unusual. Taste new foods, and fall in love with as many things and people as possible. I want to learn, and I want to questions things more. Because, my god, our time to live is limited, and I swear, good enough never is.”

-J. Raymond

Everyone wants to live a good life, but why don’t we all want to live a great one? An irreplaceable one? An inspiring one? One filled with experiences. Why don’t we push ourselves to do more, experience more than just ‘good’ in our life?

I want to love so deep that it hurts. I want to take chances, take risks that make me feel alive. I want to make mistakes so that I can get the high of learning from every poor choice I made. I want to fall down at times, just so that I can grow from it.

I want to make memories that I can look back at and crack a smile 20 years later. I want to meet people that can teach me things, people that will hold a special place in my heart for years to come.

I want to be crazy, silly, and irresponsible. I want to depend on the wrong people just so that I can learn who my real friends are. I want to have my heart broken, just so that I know exactly how it feels to love and not be loved in return.

I want to speak so freely that my words touch souls. I want to be so blunt that I never hold back what I’m truly thinking or truly feeling. If I’m in love, I want to voice it. If I’m mad, I want to explain it. I want my words to tell my truth. I want my words to say it all.  

I want to never spend a single second of my life settling – in my relationships, in my job, or in my own happiness.

I want to experience it all…the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to live so freely that all my experiences shape me into a person that I’d be proud of.

I want to be so prepared for my future that I don’t feel like I missed out. I want to feel so alive that I hold no regrets. I don’t want to be spend forever questioning my decisions or asking myself “what if”.

But with all the lows I want to overcome in life, I want to experience the highs.

I want fall so hard for someone that loves me back.

I want a romance like the movies, because I don’t believe for a single second that those don’t exist.

I want to dance to ‘time of my life’ for my first dance at my wedding and attempt all the spins and turns while I laugh in excitement.

I want to dance to music in my underwear as I sing all the words off key.

I want to travel the world just to say I’ve seen it all.

I want to own a house on the water so that I know what it feels like to go to bed every night with sand between my toes, and to wake up every morning with a beautiful ocean view.

I want to make so much money so that I can donate to all the charities in need.

I want to find a job I love so much that I fear the day I retire.

I want to be a mother and pass on everything I know to my kids.

I want a family so big that I never have to spend a second feeling alone.

I want everything. I want to be selfish in my life, because they say if you live life right – living once is enough.

So, I don’t want to live an ordinary live. I don’t want to view my life as “good enough”. I want to live an extraordinary one. I want to be amazed by how much I accomplish in this life. 

Drugs – they have the ability to take over your life with just one use. They destroy friends, families, and they leave you always wanting more.

I can’t count how many times I have heard you say “just this one time” or “I only do if for fun, on occasion” or even “I don’t have a problem”. I watched as these lines became habit, and those habits became your lifestyle. The “one time” turned into hundreds of times. The “fun” time turned into destruction. The “I don’t have a problem” turned into you stealing and pawning for your next fix.

Most family members stay in denial until it becomes too late. Most people try to avoid seeing what is right in front of them simply because they don’t want to face the reality, the ugly truth of what has become of someone they love.

Drugs – it destroys dreams. It destroys your body. And if you aren’t one of the lucky few – it kills you.

I remember the times where you came home with blood shot eyes…I remember the time I walked into your room to find you laying out on the floor strung out. I remember the time you overdosed and I found you. I remember calling the ambulance and praying that you’d pull thru. 

I wanted to blame your friends, I wanted to blame our parents. I wanted to blame anyone who could be at fault for making you this way. But the truth is, you were the one to blame. Even at your worst, I still made excuses for you. I still wanted to hold on to seeing the best in you, even when I knew you weren’t good at all. 

I made excuses for why you chose this path for yourself. I made excuses for how you got hooked on some of the deadliest of drugs. I made excuses for why you started stealing from your family and selling all your stuff. I made excuses when you quit your job. I made excuses when you got arrested.

One of the things I learned the hard way was that you can’t push an addict to get help. They need to want the help. No matter what you say, no matter what you do – a drug addict will never see the hope in getting help if they are happy enough with their highs. They need to want to stop using. 

You weren’t ready to be saved. You weren’t ready to face reality.

It wasn’t until the people around you started dying from the same drug you chose to do daily, that I started to be scared for you, for myself. I knew drugs were bad, don’t get me wrong – but I always thought you were strong enough…strong enough to know when enough was enough. 

The truth is, a drug addict knows close to nothing. A drug addict cannot tell right from wrong. A drug addict can’t feel rock bottom even when they hit it. You were choosing every day to put poison in your body. You chose every day to kill yourself a little bit more. 

I think the scariest part of your addiction were the nights you never came home. Not knowing if you were out with friends, shooting up in your buddy’s car, or lying dead in the street somewhere. 

You became so distant and so cold. You skipped family events, you dropped contact with all your close friends, and you moved out of the house.

You never realized what your addiction did to us, to the family. You never knew about the nights we cried, the nights we called every hospital around to try to find you, the nights we researched rehab after rehab in hopes to find a place that could force you to stop.

I know you had it rough. I know you struggled as a child. You had failed relationships. You had voids that you couldn’t heal. I know you turned to drugs as a coping mechanism. You turned to drugs because it made you forget all your problems…it made you feel numb.

But it’s important that you know your addiction was rough for us. Your addiction made us struggle. Your addiction failed our relationship. Your addiction gave us voids. Your addiction didn’t just destroy you…it destroyed us all.

It took years before you finally begged for help. You begged for us to save you. 

When an addict asks for help, you help them… right then and there, because if you don’t the moment will pass by. The moment will no longer exist. Drugs will take over again. So when an addict asks for help, you help them. 

You spent weeks, weeks debating if you were making the right choice. You spent days crying on the phone begging to be allowed to leave…. You forgot to give yourself credit – because though you were dying to leave, you were clean for the longest you’ve been in years. At 28 days sober you were released. You were let back into the real world and had to start facing your life and your choices.

You were clean, and that was something to be proud of. I knew it would be a rough couple of months. You would have to adjust to the new life without drugs. You would have to wake up every day reminding yourself that going back was not an option.

I remember at that point being so protective. I watched your every move. I was scared to death that you’d relapse. I was scared that you’d give up again and that we’d have to start all over.

Though I know it will be a battle…a battle every day for the rest of your life to fight the urge to use again…you are clean today; today, you are drug-free. Not many people are as lucky as you. Not many people witness the problem and seek recovery… You were strong enough to not let your addiction define you. 

Because even at your weakest point, you were strong enough to ask for help.

“I guess I wanted you more, and looking back now I’m sure.?? – Lady Antebellum

I continued to try to convince myself I was over you…convince myself that I didn’t need nor want you. I told myself after every unanswered text, unanswered call, and canceled plan that I didn’t want you as a part of my life anymore.

I told myself day after day that I didn’t want to put myself through this unexplainable pain any longer…I didn’t want to want you more than you wanted me…but I knew the more I tried to tell myself I didn’t need you I was lying…

I want you more than ever. I want you at midnight when I can’t seem to get myself to sleep. I want you at 7am as the first thing I wake up to.

I want you for all the right reasons and all the wrong too. I want you for selfish reasons. I want you because you make me feel good. You make me feel complete.

You push me to be a better person. You encourage me to be the best version of myself at all times. I want you for all the ways you’ve fixed me, for all the ways you held me together when I was ready to fall apart.

But most of all I want you for the way you hold me close. I want you for the way you wrap your arms around me and keep me feeling at peace. I want you for the way you brush up against me when standing next to me, or tuck my hair back behind my ear.

I found myself reliving our memories in my head. I spend my evenings trying to be back in those moments where I felt at ease with you, where I felt most alive.

Often times I find myself thinking of you while I hear a song on the radio, or while I walk past some of our favorite spots. I think of you more than I’d care to admit.

I never knew what I was missing in my past relationships until I met you. You came strolling into my life with no warning. Boys like you should really have a warning sign.

The way you smiled at me with not a single care in the world. The way you carried yourself with such confidence. The conversations we had that were so easy.

You showed up in my life, and I can’t help to think it was on purpose. I’ve waited years for someone to come around that changed my view on life, my view on love. When I met you, I knew nothing would ever be the same.

Here I am, wanting you so much more than I could have ever imagined, and so much more than you seem to want me. I want you in ways that I can’t have you. I want to hold hands just because. I want to take trips, and travel with you by my side.

I want to be able to pick up the phone and tell you about my day and hear about yours. I want to have meals with you. I want to relax with you.

I want all the simple things with you, but most of all I want life with you. And I don’t want to spend any more time wanting, I want to have it all.

I don’t want to settle for a half ass relationship. I don’t want to only have you when it works for you. I don’t want to sometimes be able to come to you, but only when you have time for me.

I don’t want to cuddle or be held only every once in a while, when you find it convenient. I want it all, all that you can’t seem to give me.

I want late nights, and nonstop laughs. I want morning sex, and breakfast in bed. I want to pick little fights just to experience the makeup part. I want to feel you next to me, even when you’re far away.

I want to hear your voice because your voice has the ability to turn a bad day good again. I want to feel your touch in the moments I’m feeling needy. I want it all. I want to be able to turn to you when you’re on my mind, or when I need a shoulder. I want pillow fights before bed.

I want days, months, years….not just minutes or hours. I want it all.

I can give you it all if you let me. I can give you all the things you’ve been looking for…but you have to give me all of you; because I can’t work with half.

I can’t continue giving my all to someone who only gives me parts of them. I can’t continue being all in with someone who shows up on occasion.

I can’t fully love you if you don’t allow me the time to get to fully love you.

We could really be something, you and I, if you just let it be more than what it is now.

“From the minute I sat down, I could feel it. I felt like I was gonna be suffocated. The last several weeks, I have laughed more, I have done more, I have enjoyed myself more, than and I finally feel free. And by being free, I can see now that constantly trying to fix us is the thing that’s been killing me slowly. And I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to fix it or fix us anymore. Maybe instead of loving you so hard, I should – I should be myself for a while. I should love me, and you should love you.???

-Grey’s Anatomy

I knew for years I wanted to walk down the aisle and see you standing up at the front waiting for me, waiting to promise me forever. 

What I didn’t know then was that forever wasn’t for me. They say that when you truly love someone, there’s not a single fight you can’t get thru…that you don’t ever run from the one you love.

When we took some time apart, when I forced myself to put space in between the two of us…it was then that I felt alive. I felt free. I felt an immediate weight lifted off my shoulders. 

I found after time that I was falling more in love with myself, and slowly falling out of love with you. I no longer found the need to text you, or to call you. 

I no longer had interest in spending day after day with you. I didn’t find myself reaching for you when something good happened or even when something bad happened.

It wasn’t until I was away from you that I realized with you I felt ‘stuck’. I felt suffocated. I felt as if I could never do right; I could never be good enough. 

I felt like my every move was judged. I no longer felt myself with you. Our fights continued to get worse and I knew with each argument I was shutting down a little more. I stopped doing the things I loved to do. I stopped putting my happiness first. Spending day after day trying to fix us was actually the thing that was destroying us. 

I put so much focus in trying to make us better that I forgot why I was there in the first place. I forgot the simple things that made me fall in love with you. But that didn’t mean I didn’t love you, it just meant that I couldn’t keep doing this.

“The worst feeling in the world is when you know that you both love each other but still you just can’t be together??? – Unknown

I knew I loved you, I knew you loved me. But I also know that I can no longer fix us, I can no longer be our backbone. When I am with you, I don’t feel alive. I feel trapped, I feel numb. I feel like there is so much more that we can’t give each other, so much more that we are missing.

I want to love myself, I want to be able to be myself. I want to laugh more, joke more, and love more than I can with you. 

I want to not spend every waking minute trying to make us better, I want to spend every waking minute trying to better myself.

I love you enough to know you deserve more than this; you deserve more than me. You deserve someone who doesn’t doubt you. 

You deserve someone who wants to stay even when you are at your worst. I want so much more for you than me. I want you to have what I can’t give you. 

I want you to have days, months, and years with someone who never has to question if they are where they should be. But most of all, I want you to live to the fullest.

“I want so much for you. For both of us. So much more than this. More than being stuck with someone who feels stuck. I want you to feel free, too. But no matter how hard we try, we have to realize some things just can’t be fixed.??? 

-Grey’s Anatomy

” Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.”

-Stephen King

You weren’t meant to be caged, to be held down. You were everything, and nothing all at the same time. I was blessed enough to know you, blessed enough to love you. You were everything to me, but you were nothing with me.

I let you go for you. It wasn’t easy, it still isn’t easy. I never stop looking at the phone hoping you’d reach out. My heart still skips a beat when the doorbell rings, hoping it’s you showing up like you used to.

I need you to know letting you go wasn’t easy for me. Letting you go wasn’t a choice, it was more of the fact that I knew I didn’t have a choice. I could no longer hold on to someone that I knew didn’t want to be held on to…so I had to let you go.

I knew you would have stayed. I knew you were the type of man that wouldn’t leave me heart broken. You would have married me. We would have kids, and that life would’ve been good, but you deserve so much more than just ‘good’. You deserved so much more than settling for my own happiness.

I loved you, God knows I still do, but I let you go for you. I knew you always wondered what this World held for you. I knew you were eager to find out your purpose, your plan. You strived for greatness, and I was holding you back. I believe you loved me, I believe I could have been the one – maybe in a different place, a different time, a different life…I could have made you happy. We could have made this work.

But you were too much man for me, or maybe I just wasn’t enough woman for you. You set goals so high, that I knew you’d reach if I set you free. You had this whole life ahead of you and i wasn’t quite sure where I fit in. If I saw a place for me, maybe I would have stayed.

I knew I was the first woman you ever truly loved, the only woman you had ever pictured a future with. I could tell after time that there was something missing for you, you didn’t quite see ‘us’ like I saw us. As the conversations got shorter, the fights got bigger. I knew you would of fixed things anyway you could, because you loved me. But I couldn’t allow it.

I couldn’t hold you back any longer. I couldn’t tie you down to a life you weren’t fully committed on loving. You were missing out on so much in this World…sacrificing your happiness to give me mine. And as much as you’d deny it, you knew I wasn’t quite right for you. It took me to realize this in order to let you go find the one who is right for you.

So please know this wasn’t easy…it wasn’t easy letting you go to find your perfect person. It wasn’t easy saying goodbye to my perfect person. Your happiness meant so much more than mine, because you truly deserve all the happiness the World can give you.

You deserve to not feel like you settled. You deserve to feel the happiness from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. You deserve the kind of love that I felt for you. The kid that awakens the soul. The kind that they talk about in the chick flick romances that you hate so much. You deserve so much more than this, so much more than ordinary.

Letting you go wasn’t easy…letting you go wasn’t a choice. I let you go for you. And knowing you will one day find the one that keeps you feeling alive, in some strange way makes me feel alive too. Because no matter where we are in life, no matter where you wander, my happiness is you finding your happiness.

You came in like a wrecking ball. But you were the most beautiful wrecking ball I'd ever seen. I found myself quickly being attracted to your smile, your laugh, and even your not so funny jokes.

You had a way about you; this way of lighting up a room full of people with just your presence. I noticed almost immediately how many people were drawn to you, as if you were placed on this Earth to save us all.

I knew we'd be great friends, because of how similar we were. We related to the same topics; we had conversations that would get us both wrapped up and sucked in; we've overcome similar experiences…we even found ourselves quickly finishing each other's sentences and immediately having the ability to know what the other one was thinking. 

It was the closest thing to fate. We were meant to cross paths to brighten up each other's lives.

I knew you were brought into my world to change it, but my expectations were so much more than that. You helped me grow. You gave me a new outlook on life. You showed me meaning behind living life to the fullest. 

I can full heartedly admit that I fell for you, with no intentions of ever doing so. In the beginning I was content with just friends. I didn't expect anything more. 

Until you lead me to believe you had feelings way beyond friends. The endless phone conversations, the nights we would spend together just laughing and learning about one another, and the drunk night texts where you'd confess your interest in me..it was all too much for me to not fall for you. And I was expecting that you had fallen for me too.

But you weren't there to catch me when I did fall. You weren't there to return my feelings. I started questioning everything…did I misread the signs; did I turn him away; did I say too much too soon.

I couldn't wrap my head around how used you made me feel. You lead me to fall in love with you. You made it easy for me to open up to you. You were there in many more ways than just a "friend".

I knew some part of you had caught feelings beyond the friendship level, and maybe you were just scared of the could be…maybe you were just unclear of what our purpose was together. 

So you hid your feelings. You jumped back and forth from showing interest to repeatedly giving me the "we're just friends" line, as if I needed a reminder or as if you were trying to push me back into that little friends box that YOU kept voluntarily pulling me out of. 

You couldn't quite figured yourself out. You couldn't quite get yourself together to show me or tell me what was really going on in your head. You didn't allow me in. You didn't allow me to figure this all out with you. 

So you put your feelings aside. You continued on as if friends was enough. And every couple weeks I'd get that late night text or that call that had you stepping out of that "friend" zone and pushing for something more. But the next day you'd switch it up. 

We'd be back to just friends and the cycle would continue. I was drained. I loved someone who wasn't quite sure if they felt something for me, or who was afraid to admit what they might feel.

I ached for your touch, your affection. I craved those nights where "just friends" seemed like something of the past. 

I dreamt of the day you finally told me you fell for me too. But these were my expectations, my expectations that were held so high it was impossible for you to meet in your current confused state. I had to face reality. 

This is all why I must say goodbye. I can't move forward wanting someone who just doesn't admit the same feelings. 

I can't move forward keeping a friend at arms length without falling even harder. I can't look at you everyday without wanting you as something more. 

I can't be the best version of me if I am still hanging on to something that will never be. I can't continue on wondering if you love me.

So I must let you go. I must let you go as my friend, as my lover who was never really quite MY lover, and as my person. Because my friend – my lover – my person wouldn't let me fall without being caught.

I never quite understood the saying “Sometimes, you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand back up taller than you ever were.” 

Why would hitting rock bottom benefit you, or enable you to be better than before?

I didn’t truly understand this until I was knocked down lower than low. You know that feeling when everything is going perfect but you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop…that’s the feeling I had right before I found out my relationship was nothing like it seemed.

At that point in time I quickly realized everything that was wrong in my life. The flaws that I continued to cover up to maintain the happy status.

Right before my relationship failed I had met you. I knew you were a decent guy but I had no idea at that time that you’d have such an impact on my life. 

You were put there to help me pick myself back up from the low place I was about to be in.

I should have known by the quick connection I formed with you. The endless conversations that were so easy to have and so easy to maintain. 

I should have known you were placed here to help me recover, to help build me back up to the woman I knew I could be.

Quickly after I met you, I found out my marriage was failing. A ten year relationship, and in one day I found out that he was cheating. 

I was lost. I felt lost as a person, I felt betrayed by the one person I was supposed to be able to count on. Little did I know you would be the first one that noticed something wasn’t quite right with me when we talked the next day. 

I’ve never been the type that needed a shoulder to cry on. I have always worked through my issues on my own.

You wouldn’t allow me to be the strong, independent woman I was used to being. You forced me to knock down my walls and allow you to help me. You pushed and pushed in an effort to help me find strength in my weakness. Once I let you in I lost it all over again.

I never knew I’d find myself needing you. After months went by and you helped build my confidence, I found myself craving you…I found myself missing you. 

When something exciting happened, you were the one who I wanted to share those moments with. When I was feeling stressed or confused, you were the one I wanted to run to. 

When I needed a shoulder, you were the shoulder I needed. I never meant to feel this way. But you came in at just the right time.

You saved me – when my low was LOW. You picked me up when I wasn’t even sure how to find myself. You helped me, when I couldn’t find the strength to help myself. 

You were there when no one was. You didn’t feel sorry for me. You didn’t push blame or make excuses. You were there; you listened, and that means more than words.

When I was lower than low, you came into my life…and I don’t know where I’d be now if you weren’t there for me. 

We may not have a future, we may not even have tomorrow, but one thing is for sure I am so very thankful for you. Because now, today I stand tall; today I love myself more than I could love another man. 

I built this new version of me, and let me tell you she is pretty awesome.

“Let today be the day you finally release yourself from the imprisonment of past grudges and anger. Simplify your life. Let go of the poisonous past and live the abundantly beautiful present… today.”
 -Steve Maraboli

We all tend to hold on to pain, grudges, and we continue to pray for karma to come back stronger than ever. We spend so much time dwelling and over analyzing every situation to the point where it is all we can focus on. We want to hate the person so much and we want to find a way to pay them back for everything they’ve done wrong.

We blame ourselves, thinking something must be wrong with us if someone can do us so wrong. But it’s not us at all. You are not to blame for how someone else decides to treat you. You can only control how you treat others and how you react to how other individuals treat you. No one is able to make you feel any type of way. If someone hurts you don’t allow it to alter your character. Don’t allow pain to control how you feel about yourself.

Many people fail to realize that they spend all this time in pain when the person who hurt them continues on with their life. They haven’t spent time over analyzing how they hurt you or how they are feeling about you being hurt; chances are they don’t even know you are hurt.

When someone hurts you don’t spend too much time grieving over it. Don’t spend too much time drowning in your own sorrow. You have a right to be sad, to be disappointed; just don’t sit in that same sad spot for too long. Don’t dig the hole deeper and deeper feeling sorry for yourself. You need to pick yourself up. You need to forgive those who did you wrong. You need to forgive them for you, not for them. They don’t deserve and most likely don’t need your forgiveness. You need the forgiveness. You need to grow from the pain and be the bigger person. Karma will get them, eventually.

Forgive but don’t ever forget. Don’t ever forget those who did you wrong, and don’t ever give someone who once did you wrong the opportunity to do it again. It won’t be easy, forgiving. But in the end it will all be worth it. The more time you spend sad, the more time you are giving up being happy.

Stop allowing someone else’s actions to get you down. Stop blaming yourself for how others treat you. Stop dwelling on all of the wrong doing and let go of those who did you wrong. If they don’t make you happy, they shouldn’t have a place in your life. Don’t allow an unhealthy person to continue pushing you down for their own gain. Let go of what you can’t change; let go of those who hurt you; let go of anyone, anything, and any situation that is stopping you from living a happy life.

I want to go back, back to when it was just “fun” for you and me.

When we first met and would text for hours about everything under the sun. I want to go back to when you wanted to dive into a deep conversation with me just to hear my view on things.

I want to go back to the conversations we had before we met in person – the hours we would spend joking with each other but also lend a hand for support at the same time. We were both going through some tough times when we first started talking. We both had a rough past and were learning more about ourselves every day. You picked me up from the darkest place I had ever been. You showed me there is light at the end of it all. You helped me see the good in the pain I was feeling. You made me understand the purpose of it all. The purpose of learning from the bad and moving forward with the good.

So take me back. Take me back to the first night we met in person. The night we went out for drinks just to listen to one another talk in person for the first time. The same night we couldn’t stop talking to one another.

Take me back to when you took me out for dinner and we sat there for hours laughing and joking with one another. The time when we talked endlessly about life, our dreams, and our goals. The time we opened up and told each other everything, more than anyone had ever known.

Take me back to before, where we had never talked about our feelings for one another. Back before we ever got involved or interested in one another. Take me back to where it was just comfortable and a “good time” with one another. Take me back to where enjoying your company was enough. Take me back to the moment where you looked at me and couldn’t help but to smile.

I know how we felt at that time. When we were eager to just know more about one another and eager to just talk for hours. Take me back to when it was easy with you. Take it back to when the feelings didn’t get in the way. Take me back to when things were less complicated, less work.

Take me back to when I didn’t need to fight for your attention. Take me back to when I didn’t need to explain my feelings to you. Take me back to when I didn’t want to text you every drunken night. Take me back to when I just considered you a good friend.

Take me back to that one night when we went dancing. The night where I felt so alive and I felt so beautiful. The night you danced my worries away and made me feel as if I was the only girl on earth. The same night that we didn’t want time to end. We didn’t want to part ways at the end of that night.

Take me back to a moment where I wasn’t aware of my feelings, before I became so selflessly involved. Take me back to when I was carefree. Take me back to when I didn’t need for your touch or your laughter. Take me back to before things changed. To before my feelings became deep.

I love that we became best friends – the friends who could go to one another for anything, even just for a pick-me-up conversation. Take me back to that. Take me back to when best friends was enough. Take me back to before – before I started thinking about you when you weren’t even around. Take me back to before you became the last thought before bed and my first thought in the morning.

I never asked for this, I wasn’t ready for this. 

I now find myself constantly wanting to go back to how things were before – before I fell head over heels. And now here I am, wanting you more than you want me, because friends was always enough for you…but it was only really enough for you if the benefits were a part of it. But that wasn’t enough for me.

Now that all the feelings are out there, you have made it clear that you wish for nothing more than friends. And now here I am forcing myself to not be your friend at all; because I can’t be a friend to someone I want so much more with. I can’t look at you every day without wanting you in another way. I long for you on nights I don’t hear from you. I force myself to not communicate with you. I have pushed myself to getting over you because I thought that would be easier than wanting someone who doesn’t want me. I find myself trying to block the thought of you from my head – in an effort to not allow myself to imagine the “what ifs”.

If only I could go back. If only we could go back to before. When friends and fun was enough.