Author: Steff

It's such a horrendous feeling to fear another soul looking into mine. 

It takes more than you know to even let someone look me in the eyes. 

I wish more than anything that I could let someone in without fearing the worst.

My big heart can love the world, but it doesn't pump to the music of another's affection. 

I can hear it every single time. I can hear it whispering so many insecurities to my gut. 

I cannot let my heart burst again.

I can't physically, emotionally, or mentally deal with even the slightest strike of pain again. 

I have worked so hard to build my wall. 

I'm awkwardly proud of the strength it holds cemented together. 

I don't think I could ever let anyone break it down.

Someone, somewhere, out there is going to climb that wall. I know this for sure. 

I'm so positive that one day in this short lifetime a soul is going to sit with me behind my wall and shoot the cannons against anything else that wants to come in.

Someone will eventually come along and appreciate the beauty of every brick that makes up the solid blockage I hold from the world. 

Every bad memory, every single heartache, every goddamn failure will set in front of my eyes and block the world. 

I believe that someone is going to love that wall just as much as I do one day.

That special person will not attempt to break me. 

He will sit with me in my darkness and in my sunshine.

I'll be waiting here behind my wall.

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I wake up in the mornings to silence. No jingling of the tags on your collar to remind me that I've hit the snooze button too many times.

Your leash still hangs there on the wall reminding me that there are not any paws to dig up the grass. I look out the window at the last marks you made there by the tree. Then I cry.

For so long you were my best friend. You were the kisses I needed when my heart was broken. You were the perfect snuggle on a Friday night when my friends' company just couldn't compare. 

I remember the day that I brought you home. That bad little puppy that just seemed to steal my heart. 

Some people do not understand the pain that your absence has left. They say to move on and that you were "just a dog." They've got it all wrong.

You were mine and I was yours. You were my right hand. I've never known loyalty the way that you've shown it to me.

You held my deepest and darkest secrets and then sealed them with a big wet kiss. I always knew that you'd be there to sit with my in my darkest moments when everyone else couldn't handle my sorrows.

When I wasn't home, you slept at my door or snuck your way into my bed. You were the first bark I heard when I turned the doorknob. You were the cry I heard when I'd leave the house. I've never known a friendship as strong as you and me.

I hope that some day another furry friend will come and remind me of you.

I love you so much, my puppy dog.

Stay with me in my heart until we meet again at the rainbow bridge.

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It was almost like a dream, honestly. You came out of nowhere and made me feel special again.

I was head over heels, butterflies in my stomach into you. It felt like a high and I wasn't able to bring myself back down. 

If there were any place that I wanted to be, you would take me. 

Then, all of a sudden you changed. You weren't nice anymore and the butterflies slowly turned into my heart sitting in the pit of my stomach. 

You made me feel so overwhelmingly worthless.

It was so awkward for me to be able to sense the insincerity behind your smile.

You had absolutely zero intentions of being with me for the greater good of your soul.

You played me like a board game and I lost while blindfolded.

I wanted so badly to be what you wanted. You pretended that I was more than enough for you.

It was all a game. It was all a big fat lie.

You called me stupid.

Why in the world would you call someone that you cared about names? 

Why would you think that it was okay to make fun of someone for their imperfections and call them stupid? 

I had no clue that once you settled down and became comfortable, that you would begin to break me down into puzzle pieces. 

I had absolutely no idea how to put myself back together. 

You played some sort of mind game and I eventually got sick of it. You would make me cry. 

You would be the spark that short-circuited my life and left me without the energy to get out of bed for days. You were just simply mean. 

Eventually, I sat there in my confusion and brought myself to understand the game you thought that you were playing. 

I decided that I wanted to play another.

I wanted to play the game of achieving my own personal happiness.

I realized that I wasn't stupid. I just didn't understand what sort of screwed up past led you to be the cold-hearted person that you are right now. 

I realized that I wasn't ugly. I can only assume that I am maybe just as beautiful as someone who had hurt you deeply before. 

After all of the mean things that you had said and done, I realized that I'm the better person.

My heart is bigger. I love people for their imperfections. I'm allowed to who I am. 

I was made to be me. I was not made to be who you wanted me to be.

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There’s not one ounce of my heart that will ever stop loving him.

There’s nothing that could ever repair the damage that I have done to his heart. I broke him down into pieces and then walked away as he stayed there on the ground.

I wasn’t me back then. I did not know how to love someone who loved with every fiber of himself. I had never encountered a soul that loves others with every bit of his existence.

I tried my hardest to bring him back to me. I tried my absolute hardest to show him that I would never take him for granted again. My efforts weren’t enough.

I still love him. I love him from a distance. 

But also, from a distance, I see you destroying him.

I see you breaking him down the way that I once did. He doesn’t deserve this. He loves far too hard to have it all thrown back in his face even harder.

You need to take a step back, look at the amazing human being you have holding your hand, and think. Don’t make the same mistake that I did.

Do not crush him, please.

Don’t bring back that look on his face that is forever stained in my own memory. 

Take his hand, love him for who he is. Never take his kindness for granted. Never stop looking for miles into the corner of his smile when he kisses your forehead.

Appreciate the way that his hands seem to hold and protect yours. You will never have to fear anything every again with him in your corner.

He feels everything so deep, and with such passion. I’ve never met a person who could hypnotize me with such compassion in his eyes. 

Please, do not burn out the fire in his soul that can be seen with every expression on his face. Please rethink everything and try to remember how amazing he is.

I’m begging you, please do not hurt him the way that I did. I will never forgive myself for walking away from him and allowing him to run into you.

I never want you to ever have to live with the hurt of seeing him love someone else, simply because you couldn’t appreciate how much he loved you.

If you hurt him, he will only get back up and love someone else ten times harder. 

Don’t make the mistake that I did. Love him hard.

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I will never forget the line of cars waiting to come in and say their final goodbyes to your beautiful but lifeless body. 

The traffic jam that is the perfect metaphor for a number of tears that I hold back until my head on the pillow at night gives the green light to flow out.

Since you’ve been gone, I’ve only learned the coping skills to deal with the pain and keep it from infecting the rest of my heart. 

Time is a gracious thing. They say that time heals all wounds, but losing you is a wound that will never heal.

But over time, missing you comes in waves. When the sun is shining, it almost feels like the warm and heavy rays are asking my tears to join them. How could I be enjoying such a beautiful and warm world while you can’t be here to walk with me, too?

I hold on to every memory of you like a toddler carries a blanket.

I’m so afraid that as the years pass, I’ll lose the raw image of your face in my mind. I never want to have to dig for a picture to remember what the corners of your smile looked like. 

I know that you would reprimand me for feeling so sad. I know that you would ignore the right that I have to cry over losing you and tell me to go about my day and think about something else.

You have shown me such courage. I’m so proud of the pride you took with you to heaven. You accomplished so much in your short time here on earth.

The memory of your wisdom and strength has helped in the process of grieving your death. 

Despite the time that has passed, I will never stop missing you. I am grateful for the gift of time that has helped cope with the wounds left by losing you.

I’m missing you, and always loving you.

Until we meet again, I’ll cherish the time.

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It's so heart-wrenching to feel so sad when you have the smile of the human that loves you the most following you around the house.

It's easiest to smile when the pitter-patter of those tiny, chunky toes come wiggling to your arms for a big hug. 

You hold all of the darkness inside until late at night when the baby's silky eyelids close in the comfort of their own bed. That's when your own eyes let out the heavy tears that filled up during the harsh struggles of the long day.

It's so hard to do this all alone. It's so hard to wake up every single morning and be the only hands that guide those little legs to the table for breakfast. 

Through all the exhaustion, you still do it all with a smile and love in your eyes. You're so tired of raising this little soul on your own, but you take pride in the happiness they show the world with their little chuckles. Those giggles are a product of your hard work.

It's okay to own your struggles. It's perfectly acceptable to become so overwhelmed with the obstacles placed in the path of your two person family. 

This is absolutely not the life that you imagined for your child, but you are making the most of it. You're doing one hell of a great job.

You are the perfect mother for your baby. 

It's so wonderful to see the strength that you possess during the long days while holding in all of the heartaches in front of your innocent baby.

Continue to kiss the forehead of your baby and pass your strength on to them.

There's no reason to believe that you are doing this all wrong. Love is never wrong.

Be strong, Momma. You've got an even stronger child to guide through the obstacles, too.

Your thoughts infect you and the feeling of insanity begins to set in. It hurts so bad when you soak your pillow in tears at night with nobody there to hold your tissue.

Then you pick up your phone and want so badly to call someone, but nobody is worthy enough. You know that the chances of someone picking up are little to none.

It's so unfair, isn't it? You drop everything to pick them up when they have stumbled, but you have fallen so far in the cracks that everyone else can't figure out how to pull you out.

Is it too much to ask of them all to just sit with you in your silent struggles?

You scroll through your phone in attempts to find a distraction from the demons trying to tap on your shoulder. You try so hard to ignore the thoughts that seem to rain down with such intensity throughout the night. 

Wouldn't it be lovely if someone came along in life and all of a sudden someone got it? Someone would finally understand how to comfort you when life seems to just fragment in front of you own eyes.

You crave the moment another soul clicks with yours.

It takes one hell of a soul to live the life that you are living. It takes one hell of a soul to ignore their own demons until everyone else around them is calm and collect. 

It takes one special human to love everyone else more than they love themselves.

You must know that you are that one special person. You are a grace to the world you are in.

What goes around, comes around. I promise you that someday soon, you will be able to feel the love that you give to everyone else. 

Some day soon you will be able to sleep soundly without the pain of your own thoughts haunting your head on that tear soaked pillow.

You are truly an amazing soul.

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You've had a few drinks and that's perfectly okay. Letting loose seems to be a simple medication for the heavy emotions that have been hanging over your head like a dark cloud. Then, all of a sudden, the emptiness and pain begin to rain down in one big heavy storm.

I'm begging you to please put that phone down.

Do not do it. Do not type in that name. 

Please do not spill your heart out with your thumbs.

This loneliness will go away. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or even next week, but I promise you that you will wake up one morning and realize that it has all gone away.

One day, sometime soon, you are going to walk outside and appreciate the sun again. The warm brightness is going to feel great upon your heart. You will no longer avoid that coffee shop where you first fell in love with the corners of his smile. 

You will be able to walk past his friends and give a friendly hello.

It's going to feel so amazing the day that you are able to take the shortcut home without fearing pain while passing his house.

You will be able to walk about the world with pride knowing that you are better than the cloud of pain he has left you with. You will venture out of this terrible storm stronger than you could have ever imagined. 

You will no longer have the craving to call his number in the middle of the night while hanging on to the hope that his voice will medicate your pain. 

Do not give him an ounce of your energy; you need all of the energy inside your heart to multiply the strength that you will one day feel.

You do not deserve this pain. You are worth more than this loneliness. 

You need to believe in yourself. So please, put down the phone.

It's finally time for you to start believing that there's a future without holding his hand.