To My Grandma in Heaven, Your Memory Will Forever Live in My Heart

Missing Grandma

I can’t even begin to explain how much I miss you, grandma. And how much I wish I could have you by my side to tell you how much I truly love you and appreciated you in my life. I wish I could turn back time to spend more time with you but I can’t. There is absolutely nothing I can say to make up for all the time I lost with you. All the times I didn’t answer your phone call or didn’t go and see you.

 

No excuses

There is no excuse for why I dropped you once I got older except the fact that I was dumb and didn’t realize what I was doing. Back then I couldn’t see the importance that you had in my life. I couldn’t truly appreciate how lucky I was to have an amazing grandma like you. And I regret that.

 

For the girl who feels like she’s drowning

Depression can be a really hard thing to live with. Especially if you cant afford any medication to  help. That’s where I stand right now.

 

But I think what sucks worst is feeling like you’re alone. Feeling like no one around you understands and you have to face the storm alone.

 

Depression can come without warning. Without permission. Without shame. It totally envelopes you and you can’t breathe or speak. It honestly feels like you’re in the ocean silently drowning while watching everyone on the shore walk around fine.

It can be isolating and frustrating and damn near impossible.

 

But I just want to be here to tell you something. You are NOT alone. I know that right now you may feel like it. And yes, the person you want more than anything to understand what you’re going through may not understand. But that never means you are alone.

 

I’ve had to learn that even though someone doesn’t understand it doesn’t mean that they don’t care. It doesn’t mean that they don’t WANT to understand. Sometimes you have to try to explain the best you can and hold on for dear life.

 

I know it’s not easy to explain what you yourself sometimes don’t understand. But even a “I’m sad but I can’t explain why so can you just hold me” to the right person is enough to make you feel just that less alone.

 

You are beautiful and I promise this will pass. Your depression will not always control you and make you feel like you are drowning. But until then… Remember that you are not alone

 

Someone out there in your life cares about you and worries about you. And if it means anything…. I do too. Because I do understand. And I promise it gets better.

To My Former Bestie, Our Friendship's Now My Biggest Regret

I think the worst part about you is the fact that you are such a heartless bitch. You don’t even see that everything you do is for your own personal gain. And you don’t care what it does to other people.

I spent so many nights listening to complain about everything in your life. From your grandma to your other friends to your boyfriend. And even though I sometimes thought you were over reacting, I never said it. I was always 100% supportive. But for some reason you didn’t see that. 

And even when I needed you the most all you did was talk about yourself and your problems. And I let you because I actually cared.

I would have done anything for you and most times, I did. Whatever you needed I was there. Except the one time I wasn’t because of something else that was important and you couldn’t handle that. I tried so many times to please you and it was never enough for you.

I’ve loved you since we met and maybe that’s the problem. With so many people who walk out in my life I desperately tried to hold on to something that was already gone. 

You are nothing more than a heartless conniving bitch now and I honestly think that’s all you’ve ever been and it feel so good to finally admit that to myself. Because for so long I always kept going back to you even when I knew it would never work.

I think the worst part about me, though is that I let you do it to me. I let you pull me back in every time I decided I was done with you. And the shittiest part is I’d let you do it again. If you called and needed someone, I’d be there. And it’s because you’ve made me weak. Even now I hope for you to be an aunt to the child I’m going to have.

But I just have to keep reminding myself of who you actually are and not what you trick everyone into believing that you are. A heartless bitch who doesn’t really care and only pretends.

So for the sake of my sanity, your sanity, please just leave me alone. Because no matter how much I wish we could move past everything and be friends, you are never going to change.

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