Author: Suzie Hanna

“Sometimes we waste our words and we waste our moments. And we don’t take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.” 
– Clay Evans, One Tree Hill

I remember the words that played through my head, over and over again. I will never forget the look in your eyes as you said goodnight. Or the way you looked at me, with a heart full of shattered pieces that neither of us were brave enough to speak of. 

I remember the overwhelming heartache as I watched you get out of my car and walk away. It plays over and over as I try to come to some kind of understanding of how or why it led to this. 

Remembering all the words I felt so vividly, the emotion behind those feelings, realizing that those words could have been enough to save you; yet were wasted out of fear. 

I’ve gone back and forth with this. I have been trying to figure out why I kept myself from reminding you of what you already knew. I guess in the logic sense I knew why I stopped myself. It was just as much about me being afraid as it was about knowing it wasn’t the time. 

I knew you were already the cause of your own heart break. Your eyes said it loud and clear. They spoke of the heartbreak you were already enduring. I knew the disappointment you were feeling. I knew it because it was that moment I realized, we were both on the same page.

On the rough days, I look back and think of how much relief you must have felt that I kept it to myself. I knew the tension and I felt the overwhelming guilt. I understood it because you weren’t alone.

What I regret most though is not telling you how much I really adored you. Or how I was ready and willing to give you the world. I was ready to ask you to let me in, for real. 

I wanted to ask for you to finally be willing to accept this was more than we were. That I was ready to give you the world that was already yours. 

Instead, the devil came out to play, fooling and tricking both of us. The look in those beautiful blue eyes as we let the silence talk for us was enough to say, “we should leave it at goodnight and we’ll talk tomorrow.” 

That devil, he always had a way of getting in between everything. And that’s where we both lost. Everything that led up to this moment should have been mine. I had given everything I had to you. 

I regret not telling you that I would do it all again because you had my heart. I just wanted you to claim possession over it. We both knew it was yours. I just wish you had the moment to claim it as you deserved too.

People always say actions speak louder than words. But between us, it wasn’t the actions you needed. All that was left were my words. All that was left was just to finally tell you, how you changed my life in such a short time. 

How I want to be more than whatever we were.

I wanted to give you my all and I hoped you would finally tell me you did too. I wanted you to know of the love and admiration I have in my heart for you.

I wanted you to know how proud I was of how far you were coming. I wanted you to know how grateful I was to be able to see it happen. To have been able to spend all the time we got to spend together. For not pushing me away even when you wanted nothing more than to be left alone.  

These were the words that could have been enough to save you. That no matter how it played it, feeling this way about you was the best feeling you could have given me.

The devil won the battle though. He led me to believe I had tomorrow; that we would have that time together. Worst of all, he led me to believer that there was hope.

But tomorrow never came for you, because all of a sudden, you were gone. 

Now, those words I had to say, will forever be the words I regret never getting to say. They disappeared with you and that significant piece of my heart you took with you. 

It was that moment I learned, all I have left now is to keep those words close in my heart, right where you forever live.

About The Author

Writing is what has kept me going through the hardest times. My writing is my way of expressing what I can’t say out loud. And one day, I hope to use the words from my heart to change someone elses.

The loss you’re going through is undoubtedly the worst feeling you have yet to experience. Losing anyone in life is a struggle but when it’s your best friend, the one you’re with every single day, its a different kind of loss because you’re stuck.

I know you feel alone, scared and don’t know where to go.

Never in a million years did I ever even let the thought process that you would ever have to experience such a feeling.

If I could turn back time and had the power to take this pain away, you would never have to experience this.

After all the struggles I continue to push through, I completely understand exactly what feelings you’re experiencing.

Just know you are not alone. Even when you look around and see no one is there, just know my heart is with you, it’s what is helping yours to keep beating. The way yours was during my darkness.

You know first hand that I know the exact feeling and motions you’re going through. Whether its been 12 years or 4 months, the loss is so significant that right now, your world is spinning so quickly but you’re at a stand still, unaware of what direction is up.

Every moment that passes, the feeling just becomes more real and the world beneath you keeps crumbling down.

Just remember, how much I love you. I know nothing I say can ever heal you because this is just the way of the world.

Just remember that when you don’t have the strength to handle it, I will be that strength. No one else in this world matters the way you do.

If you’re in a dark hole, I’ll be digging to make it wider for us to both fit. If you feel like you’re sinking, just know I’m on that boat sinking with you. I’m not leaving your side.

I will be the vent you need to scream into, the bag you need to hit and punch, the tissue to wipe your tears.

I will be the one you can yell, scream and hate when you need. I will be the one you can cry to, cry on, call and hang up on.

Whatever you need me for, I will be there, because, for me, this isn’t unfamiliar territory.

I know you’re never going to be the same, but I will be here every day and together we can find our way back.

About The Author

Writing is what has kept me going through the hardest times. My writing is my way of expressing what I can’t say out loud. And one day, I hope to use the words from my heart to change someone elses.

It’ll always come in waves, those feelings of missing you. The feelings that come with the grieving of no longer having you here. I know the saying goes, they’re never gone. But you’re not physically here to touch or to laugh with.

Everyone has their own pace at which they grieve. Everyone around is for the most part understanding. I do my best to not make it sound so terrible.

But as the moments pass, there are some days more than others where I feel I need to talk about it all day. When others, if it comes up I can handle it.

I can still laugh at the silly things, which I love that I can do. But I hate that on the rough days, I struggle to find those silly things as funny as I did days before.

Everyone has their different ways of coping. Eventually, within time, the hope is it will get easier. Maybe one day I’ll be back to that version of me I was when we first met. But for now, that girl doesn’t seem to fully be here the way she was when you were.

That’s how the waves come and go. I know there is nothing I can do to bargain with God to send you back. I know it’s not possible so I skipped that step.

But I wish I let myself feel more anger with you when you were here. I wish I didn’t guilt myself out of being anger because of all that you were going through.

Losing you, there were so many situations I wish I allowed myself to experience because it might have been what helps me face these feelings now.

But then again, why would I ever think I would have to face the feelings of not having you around anymore?

One day I will be able to have control of my own waves. One day the intensity of missing you won’t make me feel like I’m drowning in any ocean.

One day I will be at a point where Monday’s will go back to being great days instead of believing nothing good can come of a Monday.

I know there are moments where I can think back and laugh at the way you would react.

Or smile when I pass our favorite places. But for now, those waves are going to keep crashing at their pace.

The feeling of missing you, the feeling of wishing you were here, like the ocean waves at its different strengths, are going to come in and go.

About The Author

Writing is what has kept me going through the hardest times. My writing is my way of expressing what I can’t say out loud. And one day, I hope to use the words from my heart to change someone elses.

Too A Loved One on Your Graduation:

Years and years of school. Monday through Friday, the same repetitive tasks. Every September, the same old “don’t want to get out of bed” feeling. The late night library sessions and the pressured deadlines you repeatedly thought you’d miss. To all the restless nights trying to complete a paper you had weeks to complete. It has all led you to this moment.

Now here we are, ready to watch you walk across the stage to receive your diploma; we acknowledge all the hard work and dedication you’ve put in, not only these past four years but all the years that have led you here.

One chapter of your life has ended and its’ time to show the world what you have become. It’s time to spread your wings and color the world with all your goals and dreams. Now is a different time to show the world what you’re made of. It’s time to knock down the gates and walls, bang through the door and tell the world, I have arrived.

The world is now in your hands. The opportunities are endless. For every door that stays locked or gets stuck, know it is because this is not the right opportunity. Better things are coming in your direction and there is always a pathway to something better. For the days you feel defeated and trust me, there are going to be days, never let that feeling overcome your strength to push through and keep knocking. Opportunities aren’t always about finding you, it comes to those who take the steps to go out and find it.

Congratulations on all of your hard work. The world is now in your hands. Go out, set the world on fire with your passion and push forward with all the knowledge and strength you’ve build throughout all these years!

About The Author

Writing is what has kept me going through the hardest times. My writing is my way of expressing what I can’t say out loud. And one day, I hope to use the words from my heart to change someone elses.

I don’t know how we got here. And I wish I could say why it came to this.

But I was always told when you loved something most, you had to let go and let it come back to you when it was ready.

There are so many questions that have yet to be answered but I think it’s because it’s not our time yet to know.

You may have “moved on” but it goes without saying our story is still not over.

Some may call me naive, some may think I need to move passed something that from the outside looking in isn’t there.

But there’s one thing no one else but we can see. It’s how we are when we’re together again.

You may be on the next chapter of your life while I’m in the stages of working on mine.

But I believe it’s just that where we’ll work our way back to eventually ever after we always planned on.

If this is the point of the story where you set off to find yourself, I hope you find what you’re looking for.

My wish for you is that you find yourself in your journey.

I hope in this new chapter, your open to new opportunities and life changing moments.

I hope you get not what you want, but what you need to make yourself the person you never thought you’d become.

I hope the fears you had our conquered and you find the love you need to remind yourself of what you deserved.

But most of all, when you lay your head to rest, I hope you remember my heart is always with you.

I still believe in the eventually you promised. I still believe in all we can become. I know when the time is right, you’ll come back home where you belong.

About The Author

Writing is what has kept me going through the hardest times. My writing is my way of expressing what I can’t say out loud. And one day, I hope to use the words from my heart to change someone elses.