Author: Tara Gouldey

Hey, you.

Welcome back.

It’s been a while since you’ve sat there with that easy grin swept gently across your face.

Your hair is a bit longer now, and reflects the same hue you had before him.

It’s also missing the crazy, yet amazing colors that you deemed as your “rebirth hair.”

Alike most other cycles, that punch of self-assurance started with those peacock colors that picked up your spirit.

Unlike other cycles, it didn’t fade as quickly as the colors that ran swiftly down your shower drain.

Do you finally feel like you can breathe again?

I know that you do.

It must have been a strange trip to have walked around in your body, but to have been a different person for almost two years.

It must have taken such sacrifice to have given almost every unique and interesting part of yourself away to fit someone who wasn’t right for you.

How did it feel to look at your reflection, yet not know who you were or when you lost who you started with?

How did it feel to change everything you loved about yourself to fit his mold, only to find out that even afterwards, he didn’t want you?

I know that you realize you made every choice that you promised yourself that you never would.

Do you understand how strong you are?

Do you realize how far you’ve come?

Others will tell you, but can you see it for yourself?

Remember those parts of you that you deemed unacceptable because he wished you were someone else?

Remember when he actually received the person he wished you were, but still didn’t respect her in the way that any person should be treated in a loving, normal relationship?

Do you understand that none of this was ever your fault?

Despite everything, do you finally see how worthy you are, and how not worthy he was of you?

I saw it. I saw it all along.

Even though you were so close, I couldn’t get you to listen to me.

Even when I pushed that bitter taste to the back of your throat, and squeezed all the tears I had through your eyes, you wouldn’t listen.

You chose to ignore me, your inner voice.

That being said, I forgive you.

I forgive those times when you ignored my better judgement for a pair of brown eyes that truly represented what he was filled with.

I applaud you for learning valuable lessons.

I thank you for taking a chance and letting in the friends who love you.

I’m glad that we could have this talk, and catch up.

Just remember; I’m only ever a thought away.

It was a beautiful night. 

Not the kind of beautiful that people say just because it's expected. Truly, the word doesn't even sum up how the sky appeared to me that night.

I could say that before me was a navy ocean, whose glittering shells were sprinkled about the unseen shore.

I could say that a dark abyss surrounded me in every way, and that soft beams of light slowly twinkled above me in such a way that I knew I'd never see something so striking again in my lifetime.

I could even say that all I felt was clarity as I felt so small against the universe, painted in against the span of time so swiftly that no one before me would know I had ever existed, and no one after me would ever know I lived.

I could try to describe all of the beauty I saw in that moment, but truly, I couldn't fully fathom it, even if I tried.

It was easier just to slip into the moment, pull the soft Aztec patterned blanket from childhood around my shoulders, and give into everything I was feeling.

I felt the soft caress of the wind pull at the tendrils of my hair, and slide the ends softly against my cheekbones.

I imagined it felt like feathers would feel.

I closed my eyes and listening to the hushed roar of another train headed my way down the tracks, individual from the quiet that held me.

Nature is honest, but forgiving. I didn't enjoy the mosquitoes that were trying to ravage me, but I did love how my father asked me if I was okay. I knew that he wasn't only checking on me because of the insects.

I looked out towards the corn field, muted tan rising up from the distance, and finally at the large, bright anchor in the sky. 

Little pockets of light surrounded us in every direction, and I remarked to myself that I could always feel small here.

Many people want to be the center of attention.

The focus. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be someone's everything.

Maybe not all of us are meant to find someone who we can be that to. Maybe we just have to decide to be that for ourselves.

I enjoy finding those moments where I can slip away, and cherish how small I am to the world, yet how important I am to myself.

It's difficult to sit with a group of people, but feel completely alone.

I can say that I believe that it is a course I am supposed to be taking, but I'd be lying.

I'm not the first person who ever sat below the stars, and wondered if they would find others like them.

I'm also not the first person to wonder if I could find someone who hoped for me, too.

That night, as the stars stared back at me, just as I them, I realized that they are thought to be beautiful and everlasting.

Many believe we are the same, but it's not true.

We aren't promised any day, any hour, or any second. Any time that we are given is a gift.

Here I was, looking out into the dark for answers that I already had.

I was looking for something concrete; something that couldn't change.

Someone who wouldn't say they loved me one day, then would call me a terrible person the next.

I realized I needed someone like me, and that I needed to let go of someone like you.

It was a beautiful night.

I used to believe that the stars were frozen in time, and always there when I expected them to be.

In reality, they are always burning; always going until the day they've burned out.

They are unaware of when that'll happen, and they don't worry about it, because they're stars. 

They just are themselves.

That is what I'll choose to be, right or wrong. 

I'll choose to trust in a story that is already written for me, and I'll trust in my choice in erasing some of the chapters to make it better.

I'll trust in myself to be my own light, and only let in those who won't eclipse me.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Feel that?

That’s oxygen rushing through your swelling lungs before deflating like yesterday’s birthday balloons.

That oxygen is the wind that blows through narrow, sunset lit red dust canyons, delicately touching the foamy river with the edges of your breath.

You are a world covered in simple skin, and held up by calcium poles.

In the center of your chest lay a rhythmic volcano, fiery and fleeting.

You woke up today. You are breathing. You have every reason to be thankful for this life.

It doesn’t matter if you were late to class, or you said the wrong thing at the wrong time.

None of it matters.

Here are 25 reasons to be thankful today:

1. You woke up.

2. You got out of a warm bed with a mattress and blankets and pillows.

3. You got dressed in clothes that you bought.

4. You originally bought those clothes with the money that you earned, and this is something that no one can take from you.

5. You had breakfast. Many people don't have access to any food, let alone your favorite cereal.

6. You went to class, your job, a friend's house.

7. You drove to this place in a moving car, truck, van, etc. that got you there safety.

8. As a female, you went to work and didn't have to ask permission to do so. 

9. As a female, you went to class and didn't have to sneak around to get there or ask permission to go, or even risk your life to learn.

10. You ate lunch from a fast food establishment. All hail burgers and fries, or whatever you like.

11. You came home (a place with walls that gives comfort and safety,) and turn on Netflix. Tons of shows and movies at your fingertips.

12. You pulled out your favorite novel, and you can actually read it. (literacy is a huge reason to be thankful.)

13. You called your family on the phone, and know that they are supporting you.

14. Your little sibling made you laugh while telling you about their new favorite video game, and how they miss you.

15. You hung out with your favorite pet, and you've never known a love like the bond you have with them.

16. You wrote a new Puckermob blog and smiled because you know you can share your writing with the world.

17. You know that you did the very best you could during your day, and that is a reason in itself to be proud.

18. You opened your wallet and found cash, and your bank card.

19. You sang along to your favorite tunes in the bathroom with your curling iron, and sounded great.

20. You own a curling iron.

21. You slipped into your favorite pajamas that were given to you by your mom, and they still smell like the laundry detergent from home.

22. You know that you are healthy, and breathing.

23. When you slipped into bed, your stomach wasn't aching with hunger.

24. You shut your eyes knowing that you are safe.

25. You know that you have plans to look forward to doing tomorrow, and know that you will wake up and start over again.

Never forget that we are all as fragile as seedpods in the wind. Within us we carry the possibility of life and rebirth, but with a single change of direction, everything can change.

We are not invincible, but we can be with our knowledge and usage of our humanity.

Be thankful always.

Hey, you over there.

Yes, you.

Come a little closer.

I have some things to tell you, and I hope that you’ll be receptive to hearing them.

You think you know me.

You think that you know me just because you’ve pressed your cheeks up to the store front window of my life, and let the moisture from your mouth and nose linger upon the glass like swirling echoes of our previous laughter.

You think that you know how I work like a tinker knows a clock.

If I do this, she’ll smile.

If I press here, she’ll cry.

If I say this, she’ll scream.

You think you know how I work because that’s what you’ve been taught about clocks.

Let me tell you: I may let life move on and continue to let my hands work to each new hour, but I’ll never forget about the last one.

You want to pretend that you know me for who I am? Let me fill you in:

1. I am the young woman who loves flowers, but rather than smell a rose first, I touch the petals.

2. I’ve discovered that a lot of people I knew were like the thorns. They’re brilliant in color, but pretty much pricks.

3. Can I say that?

4. I love to read, but sometimes lately I’ve fallen off that wagon.

5. I have a lot to say, but I don’t want you to think that I do.

6. I believe that your actions are worth so much more than your words will ever be worth.

7. I keep expecting people to have the same heart that I do, and even though I’ve been taught that this is the wrong way to go many times, I try my best to keep on going.

8. I’m afraid to throw out photographs.

9. I wish I remembered meeting my Mom-Mom before she died of breast cancer.

10. I always want everyone to be proud of me.

11. I’ve kept a diary since I was 9. Whether or not you’ve done something to me, you’re probably in it.

12. The lengths of those entries are decided as follows: the more you have disappointed me, the less you are written about.

13. I have a dream that I can pass them all out to my grandchildren when I’m dying.

14. I’m extremely scared of ticks.

15. Spiders, also.

16. I feel weak when missing those that are toxic for my life.

17. I’ve promised myself that I will never write about them again publicly.

18. I want to delete those last two, but I’m not going to.

19. I watched the fireworks from my windowsill last night, and it was one of the best moments of my life so far.

20. I miss painting, and getting frustrated by it.

21. I miss Art in general.

22. I’m writing a song, that could possibly just be a poem in surprise. A Pong, or better yet, a Soem?

23. I’m also writing an outline for a plot.

24. I’ve recently seen glances of my high school self, and I thanked her for her presence before swiftly kicking her out of the door.

25. Afterwards, we talked a bit on the porch and I invited her back in for tea. We're working through it.

26. I have decided to work on forgiving those who have hurt me, knowingly or not.

27. I can’t make any promises, though.

28. I love giving women compliments because I want them to feel beautiful.

29. Too many times I have torn myself down in that way, and it’s no way to go about life.

30. I love the egg crate on my bed. So comfortable.

31. This is more stream of consciousness than anything, but I like it.

32. I’ve driven a race car.

33. If you have to get to know me by reading this, you never knew me in the first place. This doesn't count for most of the lovely people!

Life is a lesson that we’d all ace if we’d only understand that the true teacher is us. 

Life is beautiful, and we just have to enjoy it as we move through it. 

Rather than stand on the outside, take a chance as a few have, and I have with a few, and open the door. 

It's truly your own fault if only knowing the facade is good enough for you.

Seriously. This is such a sucky position to be in.

I could go on and on with beautiful language about how it’s okay to be in this position. But, I won’t.

You’re told that someday, some great man will come scoop you up because he’s as amazing as you are. Trust me, I’ve been told that word for word. I’ll say it, again.

It’s SUCH a sucky position.

It’s easier when at least you know that you never had a chance with the guy in the first place. You see them, and never emotionally put yourself out there because you are used to this pattern. You say hi as they pass you, and imagine what it would be like if you dated.

That’s where you stay. You stay in that little bubble of security. Then, there is the guy you actually think is the one. You can see it, and feel it, and for awhile it feels so right.

Then, little things about him start to bother you, but you ignore them because you want to love him. And finally, one way or another, it doesn’t work out.

You realize that although you feared this happening, and though he promised you it never would, it still did. It doesn’t fully sink in until you see he’s moved on, and you know now what you always ignored before.

Once again, you are the placeholder for someone before they meet the ONE they are supposed to be with. It kills you to know that for that person, you weren’t for them.

As much as you wanted to be the ONE, it didn’t matter. You weren’t for them.

You may feel as though every kiss was wasted.

You may regret every time you took a picture of your hands clasped together.

You may even regret finding out that your friend was their ONE, despite being told they felt like siblings.

You knew that was never the case, but you ignored it.

You were so sick of being the one that was left waiting that you settled for someone who never even showed up.

But, on a more positive note; just because they have a ONE looking for them, and it’s not you, doesn’t mean that you are destined for singledom.

You have the ONE waiting for you, too. And you know who that is? It’s YOU. As a great friend told me recently, it doesn’t matter if someone comes along, or not. You are worth everything and more.

Don’t let one guy harden you, as my mother has said.

Don’t let him jade you so much that you ignore someone that could be great for you.

Just do your own thing, and if he comes along, then great. Don’t be fearful. Be empowered.

For more articles written by Tara Gouldey, visit: https://puckermob.com/contributors/tara-gouldey

Sometimes, we don’t see something for what it really is. We step deeply through the thick sand of our lives until we see a beautiful place to land.

A mirage, of sorts.

From this point, we’re many feet away from what we’re seeking. It seems perfect and cool, and a great place to stop, possibly forever. So, we tread on…

The hot grains sear our skin, but we won’t stop, based solely on the possibility that someone or something greater than ourselves awaits us. As we get closer, the view starts to change.

Lines begin to muddle together and blur into grey. Finally, they disappear altogether. Silence embraces us.

We sit, our knees in the sand, letting dreams pass between our fingers that were never ours to hold.

We wonder where it all went to, or if it was even there in the first place.

That’s what you were to me. You were everything I thought I could love. I did love you. Well, I thought I did. Apparently, there is a difference between loving and caring for someone.

In the past, I would have sworn that I was in love with you, and no one would have been able to tell me differently.

In the present, I now see that I always wanted the best for you, but didn’t know how to make you see that.

I didn’t know how to prove to you that I was what you needed.

I’ve discovered I couldn’t prove that to you, not because I wasn’t what you needed, but because you weren’t what I needed back. Instead of finding a safe place to land, I found little pools of sanity.

I could sustain myself on these long enough to believe that it was worth it to keep on my journey towards you. Then, when you could see me within your reach, you’d vanish to keep yourself safe. You said you wanted to love, but you just wanted to play house.

I’m worth more than wandering around in your deserted dreamland.

I’m worth someone who tells me he’ll marry me someday, and actually means it.

I refuse to give up on my visions of myself in order to be a placeholder in yours. Because, in the end, we know how I would have spent my days:

Thirsty… Lips and throat covered in dirt. Unable to lay in the cool shade I would endlessly search for.

And you know what? Had I learned to be any less strong person, I would have smiled as you burned me.

Some days, I wake up and I'm fine. Great, even.

Others, I wake up and I can't believe we don't speak anymore, let alone aren't friends or sisters as I thought we were.

Our bond went slow at first, and then quickly turned into one of the closest friendships I had ever felt.

I truly thought you'd be one of the friends I'd have forever: After college, in young adult life, in adult life, in old age.

I thought we'd both meet on our porches, and I'd sip my Chai tea, and you'd sip your coffee as we discussed our lives, our husbands, our children.

Its hard to picture that in any way after I discovered that you liked my ex, while I was still mourning his loss. 

I realized that instead of helping him to pick my ring one day, you might be receiving it instead of me.

Instead of discussing my children, I'd be discussing yours.

Instead of him kissing me, he'll be kissing you.

How can I predict this?

Because I now know that he likes you, too. 

He claims he never lied to me because he didn't know while he was dating me.

He says that I'll always have a place in his heart.

He says that I'll be the last girlfriend he ever kisses on the bridge by his house.

He tells me that the worst way he'll ever hurt you is by buying you the wrong type of candy at the store.

That stung more than you can ever imagine.

You know why?

Because despite being hurt by you both, and your decision to give up my friendship for your happiness, I still told him to make sure that he didn't hurt you like he hurt me because you'd never deserve that hurt.

I still looked out for you.

You may never read this, and part of me hopes you never will.

I know you sent him my other article to show him its okay to move on to you.

He was so cold to me. He didn't even want to hear my side of anything.

He thought I ripped the blanket he made me. I slept with it every single night.

I would have never done that.

When you don't know what else to say other than goodbye, that's what you're stuck with.

I broke up with him for a reason. 

I don't want to see you get hurt the same way, but as you said, I know you're willing to try to see that he won't do the same to you that he did to me.

He will.

But that is your story line that you must follow and figure out for yourself.

I will forever be heartbroken that I found another person who chose a guy over our friendship.

That being said, I still want the best for you, and if he cleans up his act for good, then I couldn't ask for anything better for you both.

Love,

Tara

Hi.

My name is Tara.

You don't know me yet, or maybe you do. Either way, you don't know me how you will know me eventually.

I'd like to let you know that even though I may have not seen your face yet, or seen your smile, I will someday.

I hope that I will recognize you.

I hope that I allow myself to recognize you, and not ignore the signs. I hope that I haven't met you and ignored them, already.

I want you to understand that I will love you more than you have ever been loved in your life.

I will cherish you.

I will focus in on all of the small wonders of your face, your hands.

I will look for everything in you that you never thought handsome, and prove to you that they are.

We will fight. It's going to happen, but I promise to be my stubborn, stand my ground self. 

I hope that you find that alluring. The right one will.

We might not have the same hobbies, but I will try to invest myself in what you love. I expect you to have the same effort.

For example, I love Jane Austen movies. You don't have to like them. You can hate them, but I expect you to love me enough to watch them with me, and not make me feel bad for loving them.

I hope that you are thankful for the ways everyone helps you in life, and I hope you say thank you a lot.

I hope to have in depth conversations with you that at the end leave me even more in thought every time.

You will have to help me pull down my walls. I made sure that they are high, and three miles thick.

Also, I'm very affectionate and huggy. I hope you are, too.

I want you to understand that sometimes I will go bare faced and natural, and other times be fully done up.

I want you to understand that I will watch how you interact with your mother, and people that can do nothing for you. 

You can learn a lot about a person that way.

I hope you'll always have my back, and never have me worry that someone else is on the same level as me.

So, to the man that will take my hand next, I hope you're ready.

I don't know how long it will take to find you. I may never find you…

But even if I don't, at least I can sleep at night and still have hope that you're out there, waiting for me. 

Just laying there, unable to sleep, thinking of my hands, too.

Hey, you.

Happy almost birthday.

You'll be turning 22, which is quite an accomplishment. No longer a child, yet not a mature adult.

You're right in the middle, but you're on your way to great things: new people, new love, new experiences.

A year ago, if you would have told me that I wouldn't be with you this year, I wouldn't have believed you. 

Despite everything, I thought we were solid. I thought you were mine. As I have addressed in other articles, that wasn't and still is not the case.

I want you to know that in this coming year of life, I hope you truly embrace who you are as a person.

I hope that you learn how to love yourself more than you do now.

I hope that you find what you were looking for that you felt wasn't in me. I promise you that it was, you just didn't think it was enough.

That's not my problem, though. That just means that I wasn't meant for you, and us not working out means I'm closer to finding who is meant for me.

I want you to see that you don't have to be friends with every single person. Let them come to you, because you are enough and worthy of that love, if you'd only allow yourself to see it.

I'll never forget last year when we were all singing to you, and right before you blew out the candles, you looked to me, and the corner of your lip arched up in a secret smile.

Or, the time you got down on your knees and hugged your grandmother like you were five years old. Even though we're not together on your birthday, those memories are mine.

I won't let them be tainted by who I saw when you pulled back the curtain of love.

Also, I won't let them be touched by the one who is inevitably falling in my footsteps. 

So, this year, June 12th, when you get that chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting…

when you go to take that one special breath…

Know that I understand you aren't wishing for me.

And even though it hurts,

it's okay.

I'm going to be okay, and so are you.

Happy almost Birthday, Kyle.

You were the first man I ever fell in love with.

I didn't know it at first, but you would turn into the one that I ran to whenever I was sad, happy, or in between. I would nestle myself in your body as you held me, and turn my face to place my cheek upon your chest. Your arms would encircle my waist, and rub softly at the bottom of my spine.

There was no where I would rather be for most of our relationship.

Then you proved that you weren't the guy I thought you were.

 You were the guy my friends thought you were.

You're not a bad or evil. You're actually one of the sweetest, most sentimental people I've ever known.

But, you're selfish, and though I would cry to you in situations that hurt me, it would happen again.

 I let it happen again.

This is where my anger comes in. I shouldn't have let you back in, but I was blinded by my care and concern for you.  

I wanted things to work out. I hoped we'd have a future together, but your choices and decisions forced me to make a decision: Enable and settle, or move on and be heartbroken.

I have cried every day since I made that decision. 

I wanted this. I wanted you more than anything.

You say you're going to work on yourself, and when I am comfortable and healed of my hurt, maybe we could be friends. From friends, maybe one day we could mend this. Mend us.

You say you can't imagine being with anyone else, but I know you, and the temptation is too strong for you.

I am bitter that you took one aspect of my life that made me the happiest. I'm bitter that I didn't end it sooner.

I'm bitter than even as I am typing this, even though you hurt me so badly, I want you back. I want you to kiss away my tears. I want us to be happy together.

I don't know what the future will bring, but I know I deserve more. 

I know you'll move on, and so will I…maybe.

It doesn't feel like I ever will right now.

I'll miss the freckles on your eyelid, and your full lips. I'll miss your joking and how you told me you loved me all the time.

I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

There's so much I could say. 

I want nothing more to be dating you again, despite everything.

I love you so much, Kyle. I always will, but I love me, more. 

Yours, 

Tarbear.