Author: Taryn Carr

Your relationship is falling apart. She hit her breaking point; she's really done. 

What was your reaction when she screamed and told you it was over? Did you apologize or take the easy way out and blame everything on her?

Were you angrily pushing her away or begging her to give you another chance?

Did you kiss her or just turn away? Were you able to resist the urge to shut down long enough to actually show her what you were feeling?

When she cried and asked you to give her a reason to stay, did you? Or were you pretending to be perfectly fine as she walked out the door?

Does she even know how badly you wanted her to stay?

Did you take the time to explain just how much she means to you?

You say that you can't live without her, but did you tell her that? Does she know that you truly believe she's the love of your life?

Losing her feels like having your heart ripped from your chest, but before you surrender to the pain, remind yourself that there's still a chance for you two – don't blow it.

You're sitting around crying, begging the universe to stop your pain when you should be begging her to come back. 

Go to her. Tell her that you love her, that she's the best thing that's ever happened to you. Tell her that you need her to stay.

"She needs to know you're thinking of her, so open up and tell her that you love her" – Lonestar

All I can say is that I hope the ones who love me know that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't apologize enough for the way my anxiety makes me act. 

I know I can be a lot. I know I'm hard to be around sometimes. I know.

And I hate that you all have to keep repeating yourselves. Because I know that you love me and I know that I am enough for you, I really do. I know you don't understand what goes on in my head, and I sincerely hope that you will never have to experience it.

Although I'm desperate for someone to say they get it, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I don't ever want anyone to feel the way I do. To have the constant voice in your head telling you you're not good enough.

This voice in my head, every single day, telling me "You're not smart enough, you'll never graduate."

"You're not pretty enough, she's way better than you."

"You're not strong enough, you will never make it through this."

"You're not good enough."

Everyday I fight back, and I try to silence the voice. I try to say, you're wrong. I am enough.

Everyday I have to tell myself, I'm not alone.

I know I need a lot of reassurance. I know I keep asking if you love me. I know I keep asking if it's gonna be okay.

I know you told me 10 times today that everything will work out and you will always be here no matter what happens.

I know all of this and I do believe you. I believe you when you say you love me, but the voice in my head tells me 1000x that you're lying.

I'm sorry that I'm 'annoying.' I'm sorry that you have to spend so much time reminding me that I'm not what the voice in my head says I am.

I'm sorry that you had to spend so much time learning how to help me cope with panic attacks. I'm just sorry.

I'm sorry that I let my anxiety tell me I'm not enough. I'm sorry I believe it.

But, thank you. Thank you for staying. Thank you for always reminding me that what my anxiety says about me, is not who I am.

Thank you for reminding me that I am enough, no matter how many times I feel like I'm not.

High School. The last step before “adulthood.” It’s senior year and you just can’t wait to get the hell out of your parents house.

You can’t wait for college. All the parties and the new friends and the freedom. Oh yes, that first taste of freedom is almost here.

One day soon, you’ll be walking across that stage, getting your diploma and heading off to college.

It all sounds so amazing, until one day, you realize you’re 3/4 of the way through Freshman year and your only friend is your roommate, you still call your mom at least once a week for help, and you can’t remember the last time you went out for fun.

I was so excited to go out and explore, because I finally had that freedom and I was ready for the “college experience,” but let me tell you what. College does NOT equal freedom.

I spent more time sitting in my dorm reading than I did out having fun, and I spent so much time in class, I barely got a chance to explore. And on top of that a full time job, just to make ends meet.

I wanted more than anything just to be able to have some real life experiences, and be an “adult” but instead, it felt like high school all over again. But with less sleep and more homework. And don’t forget the top ramen.

SO MUCH TOP RAMEN.

College was supposed to be the best time of my life and I was miserable, constantly wondering what it would feel like to just quit. Just drop out.

I spent my entire Freshman year wishing I wasn’t there.

Now, don’t get me wrong it’s amazing to be able to say I went straight to university from high school and rocked it.

It’s great to be able to say I have a degree.

But, I wish I had enjoyed it more. I wish I had taken a year to myself, just to figure out what I really wanted. Who I was without high school and parents.

Looking back, I don’t regret anything, I’m happy with my life, but a big part of me wishes I had taken just a year to myself.

I wish I had taken a year to just be me.

When you think of childhood, you think of innocence, happiness, love.

When you think of childhood, you think of playing and learning new things everyday.

This isn’t about that kind of childhood, though.

I didn’t know that kind of childhood.

The one I remembered was full of darkness. Full of fear and hate.

You were supposed to take care of me. But instead, I had to take care of you.

I had to be the grown up, because you didn’t know how to.

Now, that’s not to say things were never good, because they were.

I know you tried. You tried to make our time together special. You tried to show me what childhood should be, but it was too late.

My innocence was long gone.

At a young age, I was not only raising myself, and my sibling, but you as well.

A child shouldn’t have to be a parent, and yet I was more of a parent before puberty than you will ever be.

You thought I didn’t need you? You thought because I was “wise beyond my years” I never needed you to hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be okay? Did you even think about what I needed at all?

Probably not. No matter how many times you hurt me, I always came back. But not this time, it’s time for me to let go now.

But, I still think about you sometimes. A lot, actually. And I wonder, do you think about me? Do you even miss me at all?

I guess I’ll never know. I will never know if hurting me the way you did even phased you, but that’s okay.

It’s okay, because I’m better off without you. If you saw me today, you wouldn’t even recognize me.

I am not the broken girl you remember. I am not broken anymore.

Today, I am strong and happy. Today, I am free and hold more love in one pinky nail than you do in your whole body.

Your addiction was the worst thing that ever happened to you, and it made me who I am today, but I won’t let it define me.

I am strong today, because I learned that I had to be in order to survive. I built this wall around myself, and didn’t let anyone in. But now, that wall is gone and it’s just me. I don’t need walls to prove I am strong.

I am happy today, because I choose to be. You made me miserable for years and I have finally let go. I let go of the hate and everything you did to me and now I am happy.

Today, I am loved. There are so many people around me who love me. Despite everything you ingrained into me as a child. “No one will ever love you. Everyone is lying, they don’t mean it. Just keep people at a distance and your life will be better off.”

You told me this over and over and over and I believed you, until one day, I didn’t. I let someone in. I let someone close and they taught me how to love again. They taught me what it was like to hold onto the light that I always had inside of me and let go of the darkness that you brought.

They taught me that you were wrong. And today, I am better off. Not because of them, not because of you, but because of me.

I am not only surviving, I am thriving. Without you. I am better off, because I chose not to let you win.

Your addiction may have beat you, but it will never beat me.

So, you fell off the wagon again?

And now you want me to tell you to just give up?

I mean, you’re just gonna fall off again anyway, right? Why even try?

Wrong. You can do this.

Sometimes, you fall off the wagon for months. That’s okay.

Sometimes you tell yourself you’re gonna start fresh on Monday and by Wednesday, you’ve already fallen back off. That’s okay.

Sometimes you have to restart 100 times and it’s frustrating. But it will be okay.

You can do this. One day at a time.

Life is hard. It throws obstacles your way and sometimes you stumble and fall. Sometimes you fall flat on your face, and that’s okay. Falling is okay, as long as you get back up and keep going.

Get back up. Just one more time. You can do it this time.

No, really. This is the one. You’re really gonna make it this time.

I know it’s hard. Just breathe. You can do this.

“It’s just one drink, I’ll be okay.”

“It’s just one cigarette, I’ll be fine.”

“It’s just one more high, it’s no big deal.”

But it’s not. And you feel like you’ve lost. But, you haven’t. Just try again. Try again and again and again.

It doesn’t matter how many battles you have lost, as long as you get back up and keep trying.

Just keep trying.

You may have lost the battle, but you CAN win this war.

Just don’t give up. Just get back up. Just one more time.

4:00AM- Get up

4:15AM- Go for a run

5:00AM- Be at morning practice

6:00AM- Get home and shower

7:15AM- School starts

3:30PM- After school practice

5:00PM- Eat a quick dinner

5:30PM- Chores

6:30PM- Skills practice

7:00PM- Homework

10:00PM- Bed

4:00AM- Do it all again….

Now, this is just the schedule of a high school athlete. This doesn’t include the blood, sweat, and tears we put into our sport when no one is looking.

This doesn’t include the nights we’re up watching video after video after video of that our rival team.

This doesn’t include the hours and hours and hours we spend practicing that one thing. That one trick, that one move, that one landing. We practice and practice and practice until we get it right.

I’m sure you see us out in the pouring rain, freezing snow, and scorching sun. I’m sure you roll your eyes and think “what is the point?? It’s just a sport!”

But what you don’t see is the bonds we create. You don’t see every time we cry on our teammates shoulder. You don’t see every time we celebrate our wins together, and come together in our losses.

You don’t see us all gather around a table waiting to open those college letters. You don’t see us go the extra mile every time so that people will see us as more than just a “dumb jock.”

You see us on game days and you may walk past as we practice, but you don’t see what happens behind the scenes. You don’t see what a team really means.

So when that blown knee took me out of the game my senior year and you said “oh it’s just a sport, you’ll be fine.” You didn’t know what you were talking about.

You didn’t see that I lost my college scholarship.

You didn’t see that I lost the only thing getting me through my senior year.

You didn’t see that it wasn’t just a knee that broke.

You see us out on the field, but you don’t see what really happens.

So, next time you tell an injured athlete, “Oh, it’s just a sport. You’ll be fine” think about what they’re really losing.

Because to us, it’s NOT just a sport. It’s everything.

We desperately cling to music, to poems, to books, to anything. Anything to make us feel less alone. We just want to feel like we’re not crazy. Like someone, anyone, knows what we’re going through.

Our favorite songs, our favorite books, even our favorite articles, we cling to them because we long for someone to write down the words that we never could.

We do anything to find someone who can put into words the jumbled thoughts in our heads that never seem to make sense.

From new love, to first heartbreak, to family problems, we all just want to know that someone knows what we’re going through.

We all just want to feel like someone understands, like we’re not alone. Even if it is a stranger, it makes us feel like we’re not alone in this life.

Some people are just blessed, those who know how to put feelings into words. And we all just hope that someone will be able to do it for ours.

That someone, anyone, will put what we feel into something that makes sense.

Something that we can show the world and say “Look! I’m not crazy! Look! Someone understands me! Look! I’m not alone.”

We search and search and search for the words to explain it, anything to tell people we’re not alone in this fight. Anything to tell ourselves someone else has won this battle.

We search for someone to show us that this battle is winnable, and that maybe, just maybe, we can get through whatever it is.

Life is hard and we can’t get through it alone and that’s why people write. That is why there are songs and books and movies and all these things to tell stories.

There are all these different ways to tell someone “I’m here. I hear you. You’re not alone.”

Because you’re not. You’re not alone. And sometimes even just those words are enough.

Sometimes just the words “you’re not alone” are enough to get us through the day, and when they’re not, we search more.

Until, one day we get through it. We fight our battles until we feel like there’s no more fight left and then one day, we win.

And that day, that is the day, we can finally start to tell someone else, “It will be okay, you will win this. You are not alone.”

I loved you from the very beginning. Everything I did was for you; there was no doubt in my mind that you were the one I wanted to be with.

But, in loving you, I lost myself. I tried so hard to be the "perfect girlfriend" that I let go of the person I actually was.

I forgot how to be outgoing and have fun because I was too busy trying to prove myself to you and your friends. I forgot how to show my feelings because I was always working to hide them.

I always did exactly what you said because, more than anything, I just wanted to make you happy.

"Don't overreact," I told myself, "you don't want to be that girlfriend. If you're not careful, he'll think you're overbearing and trying to control him."

I loved you with every piece of my being. I loved you more than anyone, even more than I loved myself. That's where I went wrong. 

But one day, something finally clicked inside of me. 

I was tired of hiding who I really was just to please you.

I looked in the mirror and couldn't even recognize myself anymore.

I realized things weren't really okay. I wasn't going out of my way to stay with you because we were happy, I was doing it because I was afraid of losing you.

That's when I knew that I had to leave; not because I didn't love you, but because I finally loved myself again.

I loved you more than you'll ever know but, in that moment, I realized I loved myself more.