Author: Tiffani Anderson

“I promise you, sweetheart, you could rake all the drugs in the world, kiss all the sexy girls you’ll meet, drink hard liquor all night long, and dance to the nymphs of the otherworld, but you would never find the same high you found in me.” -Cynthia go  // Intoxicated (63/365)

Months have passed, few words have been exchanged, and the silence seems deafening. 

So how is it going?  Since you decided that you “weren’t ready” or “needed to work on yourself?” How has it been going with you?  

When you first decided to walk away, you probably felt empowered and didn’t seem to even bat an eye after you broke my heart.  

It seemed you just got up and walked away without even a glance back at me.  You just left me behind without a second thought.

It’s been months since I’ve kissed you, or even heard your voice over the phone.  

Did losing me pull at your heartstrings like it did mine?  Did it hurt you to wake up in the morning because you knew I wouldn’t be a part of your day anymore?

At the time, I don’t think it even affected you to the fraction that it did me.  

But I’ve come to that acceptance because, in the long run, I know you're going to hurt so much more than I did if that’s even a possibility. 

Last time I talked to you, you hadn’t wasted any time in getting with someone else.  

So tell me, have you found a new girl? Does she laugh at all your jokes? Does she wait up for you after every single shift at work, despite her plans for the night? 

Does she listen to you and support you when you start to doubt yourself and the future?  

Does she show you that she appreciates you every single day?  If she does all these things then I really commend you, she must be pretty great. 

But I’m going to take a risk here and say that she doesn’t do all of those things if any of them at all.  

I’m not saying it’s impossible that you found someone better than me, but I know that I am a damn good woman and honestly very rare, especially in this day and age. 

So please, tell me, because I would love to know.   

I wonder if she runs her fingertips up and down your chest like I always used to do when we would lay in bed together. 

I wonder if she notices all the scars and birthmarks your body has and appreciates the stories that come with them. I wonder if she makes you feel loved and appreciated.  

I wonder if she makes you smile and laugh the way I did.   

Despite how hard it was on my heart, I know that one of your biggest regrets in life will be walking away from me.  

It will be one of your biggest regrets and one of my biggest lessons learned.  

I hope that every woman after me falls short of your expectations because I set them so high.  

I hope that when you realize that no girl can ever give you what I did, you remember that you had me but decided to walk away. 

They say one man’s loss is another man’s gain.  Unfortunately for you, you won’t be the one scoring.

For The Girls Who Feel Unwanted, It's Not Your Fault

You couldn’t handle what I had to give, and for a while I was convinced that I had scared you away with the passion and intensity I had about life, about love, about you.  

You made me feel like I was the crazy one for wanting all of these things with you, for wanting your attention, for wanting you. 

It was excuse after excuse, and the sad part is that I took all of them to heart and blamed myself for it over and over again. It wasn’t until the last few times when I heard the same excuse for the 4^th or 5^th time that I realized it. 

It was never ever my fault, it was yours. It was you. You were a coward who couldn’t handle what I had to offer. You were a guy who was too caught up into himself to realize how good he really had it. 

I was standing in front of you, naked and exposed, giving you everything I had to offer and yet you still had the nerve to walk away. 

You were the first guy I had ever opened myself up to, and maybe that’s why it took me so long to let go. But boy, let me tell you, you taught me a life long lesson.

You showed me that even when you give the best of yourself to a person, it can still not be enough. And you know what? That’s okay. 

I loved you hard and passionately and with a depth that you will struggle to find again. Maybe then will you realize how stupid you were to walk away. 

Yes, maybe I love too hard. But that is in no way a flaw.  It’s something that I consider one of the best pieces of myself. It’s something that is unique and rare and makes me who I am.    

In a world like this, I choose to see the best in people and give them what I can offer. In a world full of guys like you, I still open up my heart with the possibility that one day someone can return that to me.    

Loving you too hard was in no way my flaw, but I can tell you that is a loss. It is your loss, and it’s a devastating one that you will struggle to fill for the rest of your life.

I know that it seems like the sky is falling, the ground is collapsing beneath you, and you have nowhere to turn.  

I can’t begin to express the love and support I have for you, not only at this point in your life, but always.  I hate more than anything to see you hurt, especially when you are genuinely the most loving, thoughtful, and caring person I know and the one person in the whole entire world who doesn’t deserve any of it. 

You are an inspiration to me, and I could never imagine a time where you aren’t your smiling, sparkling self.  

This guy who did this to you, I really just want to kick his a**, but I know in the end that will only hurt you more.  So although I can’t be much help there, there are some things that I will promise you.  

Although time is one of the main things you need to heal, I do want you to know that I will be here with you every single step of the way.  Every breakdown, every drunken night, every painful or good memory, I will be there to hold you and listen.  I will never judge, but rather love you more for your overcoming strength. 

Although it seems impossible now, there is a time in the future where you will be laughing, happy, and forgetful of all the pain you endured during this time.  There will be a time when you wake up with hope and excitement of what the future holds for you.   

My beautiful flower, you can do this!  

You are so strong and have so much to offer!  This guy who doesn’t see it, he is really, REALLY missing out.  I can’t emphasize your worth enough.  You are the whole package, and you deserve someone who sees that.  You have given so much of yourself, and you deserve someone who will not only give that back to you, but more!  

You deserve to feel loved every second of every day and never have a single doubt about him or his love.  You deserve to be treated with respect and treated as a priority.  You are someone’s future, and you deserve someone who can give you one too!  You are worth so much more than what you’ve been given and I want you to truly see that.

Soon enough, you will find someone who shows you all of those things.  Patience is key, although way easier said than done, right?  I know it’s painful to think of anyone else but him in your future right now, but I want you to think about the whole process of falling in love.  

Falling in love is one of the few things in life that is magical.  The reality is that you will get the opportunity to fall in love again, and instead of focusing on the fact that it wont be him, I want you to focus on the big picture.  

You get to have all the firsts again, and think of how all those made you feel.  First dates, first kisses, the experience of getting to know someone from the very beginning.  What a beautiful thing it is that you have that to look forward to. 

Heartbreak is the worst pain we can endure, but it’s something that makes us a better person in the end. 

It hurts us and it changes us, but maybe that’s what makes it all worth it?  It makes us realize who we are and what we need.  It helps us to grow, it helps us to embrace and love ourselves.   Then when you finally find him, he will have made the whole journey and every heartbreak before him worth it.

You will find someone who you won’t even have to try with.  He’ll simply hug you, and will glue all your broken pieces back together. 

Never settle for anything less than what you deserve, and my love, please remember that you deserve the world.

Life is messy.  Life is this crazy whirlwind of romance, heartbreak, excitement, sadness, and everything in between.  It’s not something you can survive alone.  I promise I’m not a needy person, at least not for material things. 

I only need one thing from you in this life.  I just need you to love me through it.

When there are days that nothing seems to go my way, I need you to be there to hug me. 

When I see a ridiculously sappy movie and end up crying my eyes out, I need you to be there to hand me tissue, and to look at me and love me even more for breaking so easy. 

When I watch re-runs of Friends for the fourth night in the row, I need you to not judge, but rather just laugh and me and watch them with me. 

I know my jokes aren’t that funny.  But when I am cracking up at myself for telling a joke, please just laugh with me.  

If you haven’t figured it out already, I’m kind of a hot mess.  There will be days where all I want to do is cry, even if I don’t have a reason to.  I just need you to be there to dry my tears and make me laugh. 

When you get home and I’m already in bed, I need you to come snuggle up next to be and be my big spoon.   

I need you to give me every ounce of love that I give to you.  I’ve been down that road before, and I don’t know that I could handle it again.   

I need to feel loved in a way that makes me blush and gives me butterflies in my stomach every time we touch. 

I need you to be gentle with my heart and not break it into a thousand little pieces, like the last guy did.  I trust you won’t because you aren’t him.  You are so much more. 

I don’t need much in life.  I just need you to promise me you’ll love me through it,.  Love me through it and I’ll love you back with every piece I have to give, fiercely and fearlessly. 

You didn’t know if the timing was right.  You didn’t want to do distance.  You wanted to focus on your career.  If there was a book of excuses, you could have written it.

 If I realized then what I have realized now, it would have make things a lot easier for me and a lot harder for you. 

I let you off the hook so easily.  Mostly because I didn’t want to lose you and I didn’t want to live without this friendship we had built over the years.  I knew how special it was, and I wasn’t ready to lose it without a fight.

The thing about fighting for something though, is that it takes two.  Even though I was fighting for it, you weren’t.  That was my fault. 

You didn’t care about anything, because I never showed you that your actions were wrong. 

After you broke my heart, I just went along like nothing had changed because I didn’t want to lose you.  But that was my mistake. 

I’m realizing now that you took advantage of that.  You took advantage of me, and the heart that I have that couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. 

Your sporadic and random texts aren’t saving the friendship like I thought they could, but rather they just hurt me and make me so angry. 

You never suffered any consequences for hurting me.  The thought alone makes me seethe with anger that you’ve just been going about with your life thinking that what you did to me was okay.

You don’t deserve the kindness and understanding that I have fought so hard to give you.  

I’m done making excuses for you, I’m done fighting for you, and I’m done being there for you when you’re lonely.

This is why when you text me when its convenient for you, I won’t answer. 

When you send me a snapchat of yourself after the gym, I’ll ignore you. 

When you wake up one day missing me and decide to call, this is why I won’t answer.

I think one of the things that makes moving on easier is never having to see your face everyday.  It’s kind of ironic, actually.  For something I once hated, the distance between us is now what has helped me get over you.  I can’t imagine seeing you, or what it would do to me both physically and emotionally.  Being able to go to school or the grocery store and having no possibility of seeing you has actually became one of the things I’m most grateful for. 

I’ve built up all these ideas in my head of the words I would say to you if I ever did get the chance.  Of course like everything else, they always seem to come out better in your head.  I just didn’t understand how I could have so much anger and furry, but also so much pain and hurt at the same time.

What is even sadder is that if I ever did see you again, it probably wouldn’t even faze you.  I guess I didn’t matter to you as much as I thought I did.  That was my mistake for holding on for so long even after you proved me wrong time and time again. 

Regardless, If I did ever see you again, these are the words I would say.

As much as you don’t deserve to hear me say it, I would say that I miss you.  I would say that I miss lying with you at night and the warmth you always seemed to radiate.  I would tell you how upset it makes me that I can’t call you anymore when something significant happens in my life.

I would say that I hate that your name is never on my phone when I wake up.  I hate that you turned into this guy that I would have never recognized before.  I would tell you how I hated that you hurt me, and how I much hated that I was stupid enough to let you.  I feel stupid that I ever saw potential in you when really you were just looking for personal gain. 

I would tell you that I cried myself to sleep for months, hoping that one day you would realize the mistake you made.  I would tell you how much it hurt me when you blew me off, making me think I was the crazy one who was making a big deal out of petty things.

I would tell you that you broke so many promises.  You were my best friend.  Even after continuous reassurance of never losing our friendship, you did a beautiful job at ruining it.

I would tell you how much you taught me, even after everything.  I would tell you how much I have grown as a person and as a woman.  Because of how much you fell short of me, I now know what I deserve in someone and I don’t feel guilty for one second for wanting it.

I would tell you that I miss you, but I would also tell you how I don’t miss any the hurt you caused me.  I don’t miss the nights I wondered what I did to not make you call.  I don't miss putting myself out there and getting nothing in return.  I know it took me a really long time to see, but I can now see how much better I am without you, and how much I more I deserve. 

I would tell you that I finally realize that I settled for you because I thought I saw something in you that was worth fighting for.  But sometimes you’re wrong in life.

I would tell you that I was wrong about you.    

          You’re in pieces.  You don’t know how you will recover from this one.  You’re heart has been beaten and stomped on and you just can’t find any logic in what has left you in pieces.  Beautiful girl, you have no idea of the future you have ahead of you. 

            Love has a funny way of sneaking up on us.  Whether the timing is off, the circumstances are complicated, or there are a hundred roadblocks in the way.  Our heart doesn’t care.  Our heart knows no boundaries or discrimination.  That’s part of what makes love so special, despite the percussions it may leave us with afterwards.  

            If you’re hurting as much as I think you are, it must mean you put all of yourself into whatever this was.  I just want you to know that you are so brave for putting yourself out there, for loving unconditionally and for loving without restrictions.  When people start to fall in love, some get scared and will pull back.  But you, my dear, you thrived.  You put it all on the line, wore your heart on your sleeve, and pushed all the limits.  For that I commend you.  For that, I love you.  

            This guy you love, he doesn’t deserve your love if he can’t reciprocate it.  You deserve every bit of love you put out there. 

            This guy is going to teach you a lot of things.  Some things you’ll learn right away, other things you’ll realize years down the road.   I wish I could tell you that it will be easy, but it turns out the biggest lessons in life are the ones that hurt the most.  My beautiful flower, you are one of the few who loves so hard and unconditionally.  You are in an inspiration for that alone.  You will be hurting for a while, but guess what?  Someone is going to realize how special that heart of yours is. 

            Don’t ever feel stupid or embarrassed of yourself for loving to hard.  He is the only who isn’t worthy of you, he couldn’t handle all that you had to offer.  That is HIS loss.  He is the one who is missing out on what could have been his everything.  You have so much to offer, and just remember that when the right person comes along, don’t be afraid to jump back in.  Love is the best thing this world has to offer, and you can’t find it without taking a little risk.   Live freely and love boldly and I promise you will find someone who exceeds all your expectations.    

You finally meet her; the game changer, the firecracker, the girl you think could be the one. You start to fall in love with the way she falls asleep.

You start to love the way she drinks anything but wine out of a wine glass, or the way she crinkles her nose when you tell her she’s cute.

You start to realize all of the things she does and how they make her so beautiful.

Pretty soon, your mind no longer thinks about who’s winning the football games, or what episode of Game of Thrones you’re on, but rather it’s filled with thoughts of where she is, what she’s doing, what she smells like at this very moment.  You’ve caught the bug, and you know there’s no going back from this one.

She’s never fallen this hard for anyone; she’s never given this much of herself to anyone.

She’s terrified because she finally let down her guard, but so exhilarated at the same time because someone has taken the time to break down her walls.

She feels like there’s nothing on earth that could make her happier.  She’s thinking that he would never hurt her, that he could be the one.

Somewhere along the line something changed, like it always seems to do just when you think things are getting good.  Just when she thought she was on the same page as you, you decide to rip the rug out from underneath her.

I don’t know if it’s because men are intimidated by strong women, or if it’s some right of passage you must go through in your youth, you just can’t help but ruin a good thing.

Let me tell you something.  You let a good one go.  Despite what you thought, she never needed you, not for one second.

Rather, she chose you.  She wanted you in her life because she thought you were worthy.  But life has a way of proving you wrong; or rather you proved her wrong.

When enough time passes, you’ll realize the mistake you made.

By that time, someone else will have already fallen in love with the way she sleeps, the way she smells, the way she wrinkles her nose when you told her she was cute.

Someone else will have fallen in love with her, but the difference this time is that he will decide to stay.

You may have let her go and she may be lonely and heartbroken for a while, but this girl is special.

It didn’t take you long to figure that out, and it won’t take long for someone else to.

By the time you realize your mistake, someone will already be mending the heart you broke, and loving the girl you’ll never get back.

Life has ups and downs, highs and lows, and even with all the words in the dictionary, it seems that sometimes, you still can't express what your feeling through your own words.  This is where in my life, music has never ever failed me.  Even in the toughest of times, the happiest of times, music never fails to feed the soul what it needs. 

Here are some of the best songs I’ve ever heard, and have gotten me thorugh some of the worst times in my life.  I hope they can do at least a fraction of the magic for you, that they did for me.   

Georgia by Vance Joy

Not only is the melody to this song beautiful, but the lyrics paint a picture of a beautiful woman that is bold and independent in the way she carries herself and in the way she touches people.  Every time I hear this song, it motivates me and makes me strive to be the kind of woman he describes in this song. I want to be someone who leaves an impression on people and someone who “sends electricity” in everyone she comes into contact with. 

Tears Dry On Their Own by Amy Winehouse

I love love love the message of this song.  It’s about how we don’t need a man in our lives to comfort us, to be our rock. It is pounded into our heads from a young age that as women, we need a man to survive.  But why?  She says, “I don't understand, why do I stress the man when there's so many bigger things at hand?”  Whether or not they are in our lives or not, we don’t need them.  We can dry our own tears. 

Yellow by Coldplay 

The album that this song is on was the first vinyl I ever bought, and the reason I became a diehard Coldplay fan.  This song is basically a love letter. He continuously tells her how perfect she is, how he would go to the ends of the earth for her, and even says, “look at the stars, look how they shine for you.”  This song made me believe in love.  In fact, it became my standard for love.  Ever since I’ve known this song, this is what I want.  I want someone to love me the way that he loves her.

Aloha by MØME/ Merryn Jeann 

This song attracted me because of its very feel-good vibe.  It’s a song you can blare as you roll down your windows down. It’s helped boost up my mood, even on my worst days.  

We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off by Ella Eyre

This is a song that reminds me of our dating culture; the awful dating culture of this generation.  She talks about how she isn’t just a “piece of meat,” and that there’s more to her then just her looks.  It’s about how guys just want to move things along so fast to get to their end game: sex.  Granted, not all guys are like this, but there’s a good majority of you out there.  She emphasizes that we don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time.  Rather, we could be people that actually go out dancing or stay up talking late getting to know each other’s personalities rather than just the curves of each other's bodies.  I love this song because it is an accurate representation of what women really want, and how it really isn’t a whole lot to ask for to be courted and not just looked at as an object for once. 

How’s It Going to Be by Third Eye Blind

People come in and out of your life, and there’s not a whole lot you can do it about it.  Sometimes the only way to get through it is to know that it was their loss.  This song helped me when people who played a big role in my life decided to leave.  This song made me realize that losing them was one of the better things that could have happened and in all reality; it was them who would regret it later.  This song talks about how he wonders what it’s going to be like when they aren’t in his life anymore, and what they’ll think when they realize that he wouldn’t be there for them anymore either. 

They told me it would take time.  They told me it could take anywhere from months to years to not feel the empty ache in my chest that left me feeling crippled and defeated every time I heard your name or saw your face pop up on my news feed.  

It seemed the time frame for everyone was different.  For some of my friends, it only took weeks to get over someone breaking their heart.  I never thought I was the sensitive type, but here I was months later still feeling the ache in my chest. 

Recently, something in me clicked.  

It was after a phone call I had with you.  Normally after a phone call with you, I was left feeling upset and it made me miss you so much more than before.  But this time, it was different.  

I got off the phone and didn’t feel sad.  I felt empowered that I really didn’t feel anything.  I was finally healing, and I could feel the progress.

All at once, my world changed.  

From once revolving around you, it began to shift to what plans I was making with my friends, or what places I was going out to later.   

My heart and mind began to open up to the thought of meeting another person, and for the first time the thought wasn’t crippling.  It was exciting.  Thinking about the whole process of getting to know someone and getting to fall in love again made me smile.  

I started to picture myself with someone that wasn’t you, and with someone who treated me the way I deserved and who fulfilled the way I always thought love would be like. 

It was such a release and a weight lifted off of my shoulders.  

You didn’t rule my thoughts anymore.  

When I think of everything I have to gain and have yet to experience in my life, I smile. With an open heart and mind, I wake up every day excited at what the day will hold.    

For the first time since you broke me, I am looking forward to the future; content in knowing you don’t hold a place there anymore.