Author: Tom Proctor

Tom likes to think he’s an interloping intrepid fella with a sharp wit and brimming with Britishisms. Originating from the rainy shores of Blighty he has made his way around the world, living in a host of countries across 4 different continents. Tom has written for a number of established outlets including satirical Argentinian news site “The Bubble” and “Playground BA”. Now living in the city of Brooklyn and writing for Puckermob, you can expect a lot of tongue in cheek, pinch of salt articles designed to tickle you in just the right way. Always game for a blather and a chinwag, if you’d like to know more please get in touch by emailing tom.proctor46@googlemail.com Twitter handle: @TomProctor11 Facebook URL:

7 Signs You’re the Accidental Trail Blazer

You never asked for it, you certainly didn’t search for it, but somehow you are the unintentional Pied Piper of the millennial world.

Starting trends left and right, always there with the freshest beats and coolest ideas, but you’re not doing it for the recognition, the fame, or the glory. You’re just doing you, and the world apparently loves you for it:

1. You’re fashionable, but you have no idea how.

You haven’t read up on the latest trends; you have no idea what’s going down in fashion week; most of your clothes have been found, borrowed, lent and donated; but, despite this, you leave the house looking like one fly motherf*cker on the goddamn reg’.

You’re the idiot savant of the sidewalk runway, and that’s just dandy with you.

**2. You keep stumbling into the next big noise.**

In no way are you the authority on new music. You know way more people out there that take that sh*t seriously and are d*mn good at finding the slickest new beats. You’re a casual amateur at best.

You do seem to keep ahead of the curve through, and through a combination of blind luck and stealing suggestions from yo’ buddies you’ve curated a Spotify playlist that can send shivering eargasms down the spine of any would-be listener.

3. You’re not taking risks, you’re just keeping things fresh.

You’re not attending a bondage seminar ‘cos you’re that into the whips and chains things, it’s just seems like a fun way to spend an afternoon. A one-way plane ticket to Guatemala isn’t so you can “discover yourself,” it’s ‘cos the beaches looked pretty.

You didn’t quit your job ‘cos you got a better one, you just thought you needed to mix it up a little. You don’t see the risks ‘cos in your mind risks are just a different way of doin’ things.

4. You’ll give anything a one-time shot.

“Don’t knock it ‘til you tried it” should be a tattoo in an intimate area of your body (if it’s not already). You’ll give anything a go, ‘cos how do you know you don’t like something if you haven’t the balls to give it a shot?

The downside is you’ve ended up in some questionable situations, however, you still think the benefits outweigh the occasional sketchy situation. Then again those grandmas at Bridge Club were mean.

5. You’re not afraid of getting it wrong.

Hey, it doesn’t always work out, and at some point you may find yourself on a rainy street corner in a city you can’t stand, ‘cos you thought it’d be fun to do a cross-country greyhound road trip.

Sometimes things fuck up, sometimes it’s not your cup o’ tea and sometimes there just wasn’t the right vibe, but that’s all good, it’s not always going to be a home run. You go home, you dust yourself off and you don’t sweat it, cos there’s plenty of other adventures out there that you’re gonna love.

**6. You just don’t get embarrassed.**

You’re not afraid of looking like a bit of a tit, ‘cos you’re only a goddamn fool if you feel like one. Because of this “whatever” attitude you can actually pull off a lot of shit most can’t rock cos’ you own it.

Bra on the outside, why not? Stiletto flip-flops sound like fun. Face paint for work; you’ll rock the boardroom with your lion face. And now you can see exactly how these ridiculous trends start.

7. You’re not traditionally popular.

You were never one of the cool kids at school, the cheerleaders kinda ganged up on you and you felt way more comfortable hanging out with the weirdo’s, drop outs, nerds, and stoners.

To be honest, you’ve been just fine doing it on your own and have taken on life lone-wolf style. You’re an individual, and no one has ever let you forget it, so you wear that shit like a badge of honor ‘cos it lets you be you. Which is the best “you” you can possibly be.

7 Ways Your Life Gets Better When You Stop Taking Sh*t Personally.

Life is far too short to dwell on the actions of others. When you take things to heart, you slowly become resentful, bitter, and distrustful of the people around you. So take off the shackles of victimization and learn to live and let live:

1. You learn that it’s not all about you.

It’s a liberating feeling when you discover it’s not all about you. You are the center of your own universe: your movements, your actions, your philosophy are geared towards your own life, and none of that is in place to purposefully harm others. This is the same for everyone, and once you come to that realization, everything suddenly becomes a whole lot easier.

2. You connect with people.

Shrugging off the burden of analysing, over-analysing and re-analysing others’ actions brings about a fresh perspective. You become free to engage with a clean slate, with no point scoring or one upping, and this change of tact will draw people towards you. Your demeanor becomes calm, your personality becomes relaxed and all of a sudden you’re free to forge connections with the people in your life that could have never existed previously.

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7 Things I Learned in College That Had Nothing to Do with Academics

College: the magical vessel of higher learning and academia, where high minded youths discuss solutions to the world’s problems, learn valuable trades and are shaped and moulded into the greatness they will one day become.

Well, that, and getting wasted and f*cking each other. See, college ain’t just about smarts, it’s also about getting some knowledge on all your valuable life lessons.

1. How much booze is too much booze.

The importance of this knowledge slaps you in the face when you wake up on a stranger’s sofa with the contents of an entire room Jenga’d on your chest, a face full of Sharpie penises and only 30 minutes to get to your first class of the day.

2. How to maintain basic health and hygiene.

So it turns out scurvy isn’t just for 18^th century pirates, it can happen to any hapless undergraduate that steadfastly ignores the needs for fresh fruit and vegetables. While 10 cent noodles and paint-stripper vodka sounds like a balanced diet, you may wanna include enough Vitamin C to stop your teeth from falling out.

3. What happens when you don’t clean up after yourself.

Two things happen: firstly, people that have to live in your general area start to hate you, and secondly, you become increasingly more worried about starting a big clean up in the fear that you may discover what’s under the teetering mounds of plates and pizza boxes. Growling isn’t a sound dirty dishes should make.

4. How to live with people you ain’t related to.

You’ve been co-habiting space with people since you were born, but living with fam and living with randos are two very different games. On the positive side there is no chance you can get grounded anymore, on the negative there’s no guarantee that your new roommates aren’t going to be Bronie loving Trump supporters.

5. How to cook something more complex than sugar cookies.

Your ginger snaps and peanut butter cupcakes may be legendary but baked goods for three meals a day are going to get very boring very fast, plus college isn’t the best place to pick up an expensive diabetes disorder. Have you seen how much insulin costs these days!? The solution: brushing off the cobwebs on the big pot your mum bought you and giving real cooking a pop.

6. Why not to shit where one eats.

You may think that hooking up with the blonde hottie from your 8 person class was a stroke of genius and now you two are destined to walk hand in hand to every seminar and play footsie under the table while the professor teaches. That is until you find out about their Nazi paraphernalia collection and have to spend the rest of the semester ignoring their glances in class and screening their calls. Whoops.

7. How to take care of the pennies.

There is a reason why broke, college and student are three words that are very much at home with one another. Students ain’t got no mother f*cking money, so learning how to live the high (or at least medium) life on the cheap is a valuable life lesson every academic must learn. Once you get outta college and have to spend the next 9 months looking for a job, making six meals from $10 is going to be a very valuable skill to have in your arsenal.

6 Reasons to Date the Reformed Party Girl

The party girl gets a bad rep; she has a tendency to throw up on things, she has an uncanny ability to get barred from the best dive bars and the less said about her choice of guys the better.

Fast forward a couple of years, though, and you’ll find that these former hell raisers are some of the best gals to get friendly with:

1. She knows her limits.

She’s not going to have two light appletini’s and get all white girl wasted. She’ll have a few shots and see off a couple of pints and hustle you at the pool table, all while keeping herself together and holding her own.

Call me an old traditionalist, but there’s something super hot about staying at a bar for most of the night, drinking an adult amount of booze and then not throwing up on yourself afterwards. I’m just a romantic that way.

2. She’s been there, done it and got the god damned scars to prove it.

She’s got some stories, she’s found herself in some sketchy places, and she’s pulled off some epic wins – and she’s all the more well-rounded for it. She’s learned what she’s willing to put up with, she’s found out what she doesn’t like doing and she knows what sort of people she should hang out with.

Through some bad decision making and some great decision making, she’s figured out what works and what doesn’t.

3. She ain’t put off by a bit of adventure.

This girl has a glint in her eye and some fire in her belly, and just ‘cos the five day benders and 48 hour raves have tapered off doesn’t mean she’s not game for creating some new stories. She’s still got the spirit of adventure in her and she’ll keep you on your toes.

She might not be a party girl no more, but she’s not Bed Bath and Beyond followed by bible study either.

4. She channels that energy in other ways.

Partying 24/7 is not a lifestyle for the faint hearted or for those with chronic lack of energy. But now that she’s not dedicating her entire weekend to smoking away a killer hangover, she’s got some time to burn, which means hiking, running, soccer, activism, travelling, f*cking, writing, reading, (some) drinking, and basically all the fun stuff all of the time.

So strap in, this is going to be a helluva ride.

5. She’s got that oh-so-sexy mystery and edge.

She’s been to places and done things you’ll probably never find out about it, not that she’s ashamed of her party girl past, it’s just difficult to remember every story when most nights ended up blacked out in the bath tub of a house party.

You could try to get into the particulars of why she is no longer allowed in New Mexico or why she’s the poster girl of Spice “The synthetic weed” but some of these things are just best left to the imagination.

6. She’s alright to rough it every now and then.

This girl has slept in lecture halls, frat houses and ihops, so she’s going to be OK in a couple of threadbare hostels or your childhood bedroom when you go back to visit the rents. She’s also able to tighten the belt with no complaint if the money gets tight and is more than happy shopping at the thrift stores rather than the department stores.

In short, she’s chill ‘cos shes been there, done it and got the experience points, so she’s cool about dipping her toe back in from time to time.

20 Reasons Black Coffee Is Your Soul Mate Beverage

Coffee, it’s your bro, your sis, your guardian angel and you’re ever dependable bezzie. It’s been there at your last break up, when you needed to pull a finals all nighter and to console you when you’ve jolted awake with your shoes on in yet another bathtub. In short, it’s your soul mate and it’s high time you recognize that you two are closer than you’re comfortable to admit:

Its dark, but much like your soul it can be jazzed up with some pumpkin spice or a shot of whiskey.
Who else is going to stand with you in the AM when you’re wearing last nights little black number and an acute sense of shame?
It’s your only legal option to go from edge of death to amped up socialite in ten short minutes.
It originates in a hot, tropical, leafy climate, and your soul is all about the flip flops and bikinis.
Two smokin’ cups of hot caffeine is basically a meal. But with none of the calories. Which makes it healthy, right, right?!
….plus a big shout to the big C for being the corner stone of the Skinny Girl breakfast. Good Morning coffee and cigarettes.
You like to think if your soul did have a smell it would be something similar to a toasty mug of joe.
If it’s the first thing you think about when you wake up there’s a good chance you two are spiritually connected.
Physical dependence is just another way of saying it’ll be with you ‘til death depart.
They can’t do interventions for caffeine, can they?!
Like black coffee you’re no bullshit. Beans, hot water, magic.
It’s been your bro’ when you’ve needed it most. Tequila Tuesday, job interview Wednesday needed it.
It’s an acquired taste but it ain’t trying to be something it’s not, you gotta respect that.
You ain’t gonna go for some imitation, granulated weak mug o’ pick me up. This shit is important.
It’s by your side on those cold winter days, warmin’ up your frozen digits and toasting you on the inside. You’ve had long term relationships that didn’t get that intimate.
It’s been with you on more than a few awkward first dates, and was gracious enough to let you hide behind it rather than have to talk.
…on the other hand it’s also been the go to excuse you’ve used at the end of some very successful dates that have made their way up to the bedroom.
You’ve got more shots of coffee on your Instagram account than you do of most of your bezzies.
It’s your perfect procrastination companion. Not only does it take ten minutes to make, you got at least another fifteen before you’re expected to get back to work.
It’s your one purchase you don’t skimp on regardless of how close you are to getting evicted.

6 Things You’ll Only Understand if You Married Young

Like it or not, when someone says marriage most young 20 somethin’s recoil in horror, head for the hills and frantically update their Tinder profile. Us millennials were set up to marry later than the previous generations, so getting hitched early makes you somewhat of an anomaly on the Gen Y social scene. This means if you decide to tie the knot early, you may find you’re life experience differs a little compared to your pals:

1. It’s sometimes difficult to find other couples that you can relate to.

Some of your couple friends are the bestest; they totally get you two as a pair, they give you all the love in the world and they’ll always be there for a double date that involves tequila and bad decision making, but sometimes you need a little more than that. There is a whole lotta stuff that goes on in a marriage that maybe doesn’t in a boyfriend/girlfriend sitch, and discussing that with your coupled up mates sometimes ends with blank stares or misunderstandings. It’s no big deal and you still love ‘em to pieces, but sometimes it’s just a little difficult to get your bezzies on ya level. Know what I mean?

2. No one wants to hear about married sex…but you still wanna dish.

Yeah, this is a biggie, while it’s all well and good for your non-married pals to regale you with their latest successful Tinder date, your story about how you two managed to slip security and do it in the secret passage of Space Mountain doesn’t get the same kind of love. Just ‘cos the story involves the same two characters every time doesn’t make it any less raunchy people.

3. You’re responsible for two people now.

Not to say that non-married couples ain’t responsible for their best squeeze as well, it’s just once you signed that paper that says you’re together forever you really gotta consider your actions before you go do something stupidly selfish. So while you may think a blindfolded Jager bomb cliff diving is just a swell way to spend a Saturday, it may be little more than annoying for the missus to spend the next week in hospital as you recover from a drinking related limb fracture. Is this what maturity looks like?

4. People assume it was for either religion or pregnancy.

When you think of a couple getting hitched early most people assume the lucky pair got into a bit of a sticky situation or were trying to do it the ‘proper’ way in the eyes of the Lord. You had the same mentality before you got on this matrimonial ride so you can’t blame them, but it does throw folks into a bit of loop when you explain you got married ‘cos you, know, you’re in love. Silly, right?

5. You carry less baggage.

You know all those thoughts, feelings, conflicts, over thinking, and intricate self-analysis you inflict on your poor old psyche on a daily basis. Well, they’ll still be there even after you’ve said “I do”, but now you’ll have your soul mate to unload it all when it all starts to spill over. They’ll be there to remind you that you aren’t going crazy and to nullify some of the worries that bother your troubled mind, and really, that’s the sort of mental support you need to have in the bestest relationship ever.

6. It’s the best of adulthood combined with the best of your twenties.

There’s no denying it, there are some belting benefits to getting hitched early. People assume you are automatically more responsible, you have way more money ‘cos all your hard earned cash is combined and you get first dibs on a bed anytime you crash at a mates house. All this and you still down for day drinking Wednesdays and 48 hour house parties. Best of both worlds.

13 Problems Men Have That Girls Will Never Understand

Being the grislier, hairier, less emotionally aware of the sexes is sometimes pretty sweet. We can piss off tall buildings, we don’t get periods and we’re a dab hand at opening hard to budge jar lids. That being said, there are some distinct drawbacks to having the XY chromosomes:

Girl punches sometimes hurt as much as guy punches, but we can never. ever. Let it show. Keep those tears for alone time fellas.
You will never know the spine chilling, horror inducing, day wrecker that is accidently letting the end of your dick hit the water in a public toilet. AKA The Witches Kiss.
We can know a friend for years, we could see them on a weekly basis, they could be the best man at our wedding, and yet we still haven’t had a conversation with them that went beyond sports or beer.
We are terrible at hints, suggestions, subtly, or tact. You may think that you’re cryptic response conveyed all the information needed for us to understand the message, in reality, we’re more lost than we were before the whole conversation started.
Balls tend to get in the way pretty much all the time. If you see us with our hand stuck down are pants, we aren’t being creepy and weird (well some of us might be), we’re just re-arranging that sweaty bag of skin that apparently will bring new life into the world one day. Isn’t nature beautiful?
When we try and “fix” your problems rather than just listening and sympathizing, we aren’t doing it to annoy you; we’re just hardwired that way.
We can look like we’re deep in pensive thought, but I can assure you it just appears that way. In reality we’re just wondering what we would do with lazer vision, or who was that actor that played Chandler in Friends, so if you ask us what we’re thinking about you’re probably gonna come away disappointed.
Outward displays of extreme emotion have been conditioned out of many of us, so if we’re in a situation where crying is appropriate, chances are we will still keep those salty tears at bay. It still hurts, we just find it hard to express it.
There comes a point in every man’s life when he realises he probably won’t score the winning touchdown at the Superbowl/lift the World Cup with his country/take on a team of 88 ninjas in a Japanese Sushi bar. This is a sad day, and when it comes you should console him.
When we really, really like someone we have this off-putting trait of becoming a love hungry child. We want to give you all our love, all the time, and will try to constantly please you by telling you even the most basic of our daily achievements. “Look baby, I managed to shower today!”
Every day we fight the urge to thoughtlessly destroy everything around us. We don’t because that wouldn’t be cool, but just know there’s a Viking inside of all of us and he’s pissed that we didn’t set the coffee shop on fire.
Random erections. How would you like it if your boobs suddenly started glowing at random intervals through-out the day?
Sometimes we wanna be the little spoon.

15 Signs You Might Be Weirder Than You Think

Some say you step to a different beat, many just figure you’re on a different wave length, but you know you’re the mayor of cray town and rest of the world is your gosh-darn playground.

Your actions may scream batsh*t, but you figure your unique brand of weird just makes you a little more flavorful than everyone else.

Any animal you encounter will have animated voices and speak their inner thoughts—Wild Thornbury style. But naturally, they only speak through you.
Under no circumstances do you ever answer the phone with a “hello.” Any greeting other than hello is cool, but usually you just go for a loud shriek, a tuneful whistle or some solid gibberish.
Sometimes you’ll get a line of a song in your head which will stay there indefinitely unless you belt it out at the top of your lungs. This tends to happen when you’re in a very public place.
Practicing weird faces is your go-to bored activity. This can get awkward when someone catches you doing it and you have to laugh manically in order to scare them off.
You have an alter-ego when you get drunk. Your friends are incredibly aware of this entirely separate drunk person personality, and have even come up with a name for him/her.
You are selectively superstitious. While stepping on a crack ain’t no thang, if you jinx something and don’t touch wood you’re gonna end up having a panic attack.
Making little noises, asking yourself questions and giggling every now and then are just part of being on your own. Sometimes it happens in public, no biggie.
You love candy, chocolate, and all things sweet, maybe to the point of mild addiction. You don’t want to admit this, but your friends are starting to think about arranging an intervention.
You don’t exactly hug your friends when you greet them, it’s more of an octopus-esque, four limbed, off the floor embrace.
There is only one photo on Facebook where you have a normal pose. This was taken purely by accident.
You find people you don’t really know on social media and “like” some of their super old photos, just to freak them out a little.
You have given all of your friends nicknames, and in no circumstances will you use their real name. Unless, of course, in mock anger when you middle name the f*ck out of them.
Plans are not your forte. You can make them, you can discuss them, you can change them, but very rarely do you actually manage to complete them.
Dancing is the preferred way to get from one place to the next. Skipping, twirling and sprinting also work.
You’re not a drug dealer, you’ve never been a drug dealer, but for some reason people keep asking you for drugs.

18 Things to Know Before Dating the Low Key Feminist Chick

Dating the girl with no chill is awesome: she doesn’t take no shit, she knows what she wants, and she’s a fantastic beer pong partner. There are few pitfalls you may wanna know before hooking up with a truly evolved feminista though, ‘cos if you get these wrong, you’re gonna be in for a bit of a rough ride:

You’re expected to hold a door and lift heavy stuff but how dare you try and pay for all of dinner. She’s a working woman dammit, so get back with your male patriarchy and logic.
When she gets upset she’s “leaning in” not PMS-ing. She’s never PMS-ing.
….but, her beautiful female form is in constant harmony with the moon cycles and occasionally that makes her a little tetchy. But it’s definitely not PMS-ing.
You’ll never win an argument because you’ll never know the pain of child birth. Never mind the fact she doesn’t either…yet
You will never be allowed to enjoy a movie again, because Hollywood is dominated by female trope stereotypes and she’ll never let you forget it.
You’ve gotta be chill about all her pooping (with the door open), but the moment you lay down a post Taco Bell special you’re banished from the house for the rest of the morning, because apparently, that’s just gross.
She’s going to be driving, and for the love of god don’t make a sound when she takes 35 minutes to parallel park.
She doesn’t need fancy gifts or a rock on her hand for you to prove your love, but she may want an evening at a pro-human open mic poetry recital though.
She won’t be shaving her legs for no man, but keep your beard short because it scratches her face.
She WILL NOT bow to the patriarchy, but she will occasionally go down on you.
She thinks looking androgynous is an achievement, but if you don’t tell her she’s killin’ it in that little black dress then you’re getting nuthin’ tonight.
She will wear – and end up owning – your entire wardrobe. Yes, she does look better in your hoodie than you ever did.
She’s all about the free the nipple, fuck bras, filter-less cigarettes, but she’s all stilettos and pearls when she goes to meet Daddy.
She never uses the word bitch, unless it’s preceded by “bad-ass.”
She couldn’t give two shits about applying the war paint each morning, but she will spend 30 minutes each week gettin’ her nails did.
She asked for your number first, because when she sees something she wants, she takes it. This includes any snacks you thought you bought for yourself.
She likes at least four different feminist groups on Facebook – and Justin Timberlake.
She’s a fighter, keep that in mind when you start play fighting ‘cos you will end up with a black eye.

To My Future Wife: The Only Way I’ll Marry You Is If These Are Our Vows

To my darling future wife, I love you with more warmth and tenderness than I ever knew I’d be able to possess. On our wedding day, these will be my vows to you:

1. Let us always keep wandering.

We will never stop exploring, adventuring and discovering. Let us never have our curiosity dampened or allow our fears to better our spirit. Let us never be attached to material possessions and be ready to move on whenever we feel the universe pull us to a different corner of the world.

You are my home, not whatever brick and mortar house we dwell in for the moment.

2. Let us always make time to talk.

If there are troubles and problems (and I’m sure there will be many), let us be able to talk about it openly and directly. There will be no passive aggressiveness or dwelling on actions; we are both human and are both proficient at making mistakes.

Let us understand that and communicate any issues that arise – because with communication our connection can only grow stronger.

3. Let us always be honest with each other.

We are not infallible, we are no saints, to put it bluntly, we’ve both had our fair share of f*ck ups, individually and as one. Let us be honest about those mistakes, and let us be honest with what troubles us. Lies only harbour resentment, and fears will only grow when hidden in the dark.

Let us shed light on those fears and extinguish them together, with no judgement or evasion. Being honest with each other keeps us honest with ourselves.

4. Let us remember that the moments to be serious are only 1% of the time.

When we know we need to be serious, we’ll be serious. If we are injured or facing trouble, we’ll put on our thinking caps and stern faces and deal with what needs to be dealt with.

For the rest of the time, let us remember that life is for living and playing and having fun. Don’t hold back, don’t fear judgement, let’s always remember to be our silly, ridiculous selves.

5. Let us always experiment together.

Comfort zones dull our senses, our ambitions, and our spirits. Let us always be mindful of that and aspire to push, pull and drag ourselves into movement and adventure. Let’s try things we’re squeamish of, let’s explore places we’re unsure of and let’s experiment with what the world gives us.

If it doesn’t work, or the result isn’t what we imagined, never worry, because we will still have each other, and that’s all that matters.

6. Let us remember that we will always be a team (the best team).

From now until forever, we are a team. You’ve got my back and I’ve got yours, and this holds true no matter what. We will constantly look out for each other, constantly help each other up, always be that person to lean on, and always carry the other over the finish line.

Individually we are great, but together we are unstoppable.

7. Let us never stop giving.

To our friends, to our family, and to each other. Be it a roof over their head, some clothes we know they’ll like, or just being there to spend some time with them. We will always give and never with animosity or hesitation. We will give generously and with clear thought.

Because giving part of our lives to the ones we love is a cornerstone of humanity and friendship.

8. Let us always have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge.

We will forever be students and teachers, learning from one another, and taking lessons from life. Let us never stop learning, let us never stop reading, and listening and searching for information and knowledge.

Our heads can never be full, there is no limit on what we can know and no limit on what more we learn. The more we can absorb the better understanding we shall have for the universe.

9. Let us always be sociable.

There are times for snuggles on the sofa and lazy days spent in bed. There are times for adventure and exploration where we see no souls but ourselves as we venture out together, and there are times when we embrace our friends and family and share with them the wonderful life we have created.

Let us not forget to be sociable, because it is easy to stay isolated from the world when our own existence is so blissful. Let us always have an open door, a place to crash, and a home to share.