Author: Tom Proctor

Plans are for the dictators, the politicians and the administrators. Plans put humans in boxes and dole out experiences in manageable chunks. Plans limit our humanity and crush ingenuity and spontaneity. Say no to plans and say yes to life, ‘cos without plans we can be free range humans once again:

1. Not knowing keeps us human.

Knowing what is coming around the corner and planning for it may sound prudent, sensible, and even mature, but eliminating surprise is detrimental to your experience. It limits the thrill of the new, it removes the excitement of the unknown, and it makes you less flexible. Humans are still wild animals. Sometimes, we forget this.

2. Routine is for the middle-aged.

When you’re 40-something with a couple of sproglets and a second mortgage, I can imagine that having a routine might make existence a whole lot easier. One hour to get ready, one hour of commuting, eight hours of staring at a screen while having an existential crisis. Sticking it all into easily compartmentalized segments is your way of staving off insanity. But while we’re young, we should blur the lines and play jazz with the intricacies of life. This might be your only chance to create your masterpiece, so don’t be scared to color outside the lines.

3. I don’t want to know where I’ll be in a year.

In 12 months, I could be backpacking along the Appalachian, snowboarding the mountains of Vermont, or catching a train to see some friends in London. Then again, I might not do any of that. 

I don’t know what I’ll be doing in a year and I don’t want to know. Standing still leads to a stagnant life, move where the flow of life takes you and let new experiences enrich you.

4. Career goals limit your potential.

You may have a five-year plan, a ten-year plan, or you could have the whole thing mapped out until death. This is all well and good, but no strategy – no matter how intricate – will ever be able to account for the curve balls life throws at you. By sticking to a regimented blueprint, you ignore the opportunities,  adventures, and shortcuts that open up. 

By letting these pass you by, you limit your potential to what you were able to imagine when you first concocted your design. Take a risk, stray off the path. You never know, that could be your destiny.

5. Variety is the spice of life.

Doing the same old thing, seeing the same old people, walking the same old streets – it’s monotonous, dull, and uninspiring. You become a herd creature, eating the grass, going to sleep, shuffling towards the abattoir, living but not experiencing. We are curious creatures. We live to make mischief and play. Satisfy your curiosity, mix it up, do something different and watch as your mind comes to life, it’s crying out for some new colors to paint with.

6. Plans = disappointment.

How many times in life have you expected something great, only to be let down. By agonising, measuring, and bean counting in attempt to ensure that everything is in its right place, by leaving nothing to chance, you eliminate the excitement of the result, you become the master of your own disappointment. Let the chips fall where they may, let the result surprise you, expect nothing, and be glad for anything. 

Occasionally, through no fault of our own, we need to put the pedal to the metal and get shit sorted. This could mean packing up to move house, getting your latest term paper written or arduously planning on how to dump your latest clinger. Whatever it is, there are usually a few stages we all have to go through before completion:

Stage 1: Planning.

Enjoy this stage, ‘cos it’s all going downhill from here. You get your notepad out, select the finest writing implement for the job, and by god do you make an incredible list of things to do. Bask in your organisational skills now because this is the last you’ll see of them.

Stage 2: Doing anything but what you had planned.

Remember all that washing you were meant to do? Well, seconds after you’ve figured out how to get going on your incredibly important task, you’ll realise it can’t possibly get done with all that dirty laundry laying about. The bathroom looks like it needs a clean as well. Oh and shouldn’t you call your mother, yeah now seems like a good time for that.

Stage 3: Scrapping the plan and doing something completely different.

Well, after sweating all the chores you never intended to get to, it’s time to return to that perfectly curated list you made all those hours ago. Only now that list is terrible, unreasonable and clearly impossible. God damn your morning spunkiness, looks like you’re just going to have to wing it from here.

Stage 4: Remembering why you had a plan in the first place.

Oh yeah, that’s why you had a plan, ‘cos it all turns into an unorganised clusterf*ck when you stray into freestyle mode. You’ve completed 10% of eight different tasks and you’re one more coffee away from being able to see the future, this is everything you envisioned when you woke up this morning. Stupid distracted brain.

Stage 6: Getting, like, half of it done and deciding you need a break.

OK, back on track. The plan still works, you can now drag yourself out of that depression spiral and put down the mid-day whiskey. This is all going to be great. With this winning attitude, you power through a substantial amount of what you were meant to be doing before collapsing on the couch for five hours and calling it a “break.”

Stage 7: Forgetting what the f*ck you were doing in the first place.

After six episodes of American Horror story, some takeout Chinese, and maybe a quick Mario kart tournament, you’re officially ready to get this show back on the road. Only you’re now fused to the sofa, you can’t remember where you got up to, and you have an overwhelming desire to stay exactly where you are and never move again.

Stage 8: Realising your plan sucked.

It doesn’t matter how many smiley faces or motivational one-liners you scribbled on your list, the task just can’t be done. If this really is “the first day of the rest of your life” then maybe it’s time to check into rehab like your mum always wanted.

Stage 9: Starting it all again, but in a blind panic.

OK, the plan is a bust but if you run around sobbing uncontrollably, mumbling to yourself and occasionally breaking into hysterical laughter, then maybe someone will take pity and do it all for you. No? Well, you’re just going to have to get it done yourself. Tick tock.

Stage 10: Cobbling together what you’ve done so far and calling it genius.

See, this isn’t so bad. It’s not really what you had in mind when you started this mentally traumatising escapade, and you may well have caused some permanent damage, but the point is that it’s done and you never have to do the stupid thing ever again. In fact, now you can see the result you’re not sure what was so difficult about it in the first place. You could have nailed this in 45 minutes tops. Ah well, c’est la vie.

Camping: the great American tradition of getting lost in the wilderness, arguing with the missus and coming home soggy with a belly full of undercooked meat. It’s the perfect way to spend a weekend. But follow these commandments and you may come out of it looking like a proper woodsman, instead of a blubbing mess:

1. Thou shalt not put thy tent up in the dark.

There’s nothing more fun that arriving at your campsite as dusk approaches, taking the newly bought tent out of the bag and attempting to remember the intricacies of tent assembly as you feel the heavy drops of an approaching storm. Oh, did I say fun? I meant standard grounds for a divorce.

2. Thou shall have waterproof gear for the entire weekend.

You think you’re a savvy explorer bringing that one heavy duty rain mac and a pair of rubber boots. That is until you fall in a river during the first hike into the wilderness and you have to spend the rest of the weekend shivering in a tissue-thin tank top and crotch-hugging hotpants.

3. Thou shall always have enough tent pegs for all the tents.

During a lazy afternoon when the sun is shining and the mosquitos have taken a break from being d*cks, it’s difficult to realise the importance of properly securing your tent down, I mean it’s weighed down by a bunch of people anyway, right? You’re going to regret this when the gods decide to bring down a category five hurricane on your unprepared arse.

4. Thou shall only need to make one food run.

Just one quick trip to Wal-mart on the way in and you can load up the car with all the goodies and sweets you’re going to need for the next few days. A bumper pack of chips, a barrel of nuts and 12 cases of beer should do it, who needs actual food when you’re 40 miles from civilisation and you have an entire weekend of camping experience already under your belt. You’ll construct rabbit catching traps…or something.

5. Thou shalt have enough tents for everyone.

With big group camping it’s always tempting to go the community route and figure that there’s enough room in a three man tent to fit at least six…Just remember that sentiment when it’s 4 AM and you have three different pairs feet hovering around your face. It feels like a Turkish sauna and someone’s forgotten the iron-clad rule of no farting.

6. Thou shalt never blame thy significant other when it all goes to shit.

So what if they got the directions mixed up on the way there? It doesn’t matter if they laughed when you were viciously mauled by that racoon. And maybe they weren’t exactly helpful when it came to building camp, but for the love of god don’t argue until you get back home. ‘Cos there’s nothing more awkward than trying to give someone the silent treatment when you have to share a sleeping bag.

7. Thou shall refer to the Bear Grylls philosophy if it all starts getting hairy.

If you get lost always refer back to the big man’s survivalist training. Like drinking your own piss and making a makeshift shelter out of recently slaughtered moose hide. Actually, on the other hand, it might be better just to die of exposure.

8. Thou shall always, always, always bring tin foil.

You’ll thank me when you’re not eating ash covered meat that you’ve had to char directly on top of the flickering embers.

Growing up is tough; you have a bunch more responsibilities, you can’t drink in the day time and you’re supposed to know the names of all the people you hook up with. And there’s a few things we still do that might be holding this whole maturity malarky back a little. Doesn’t mean we’re likely to stop doing them any time soon though:

1. Waking up in a stranger’s bed with your shoes still on….but no pants, never any pants.
   
2. Spending your entire paycheck within 48 hours of receiving it.
   
3. Giving the pizza delivery boy a larger tip for delivering directly to your room.
   
4. Sharing a three bedroom house with three friends, two strangers, someone’s dog and an iguana that no one’s claimed yet.
   
5. Drinking fruity cocktails – its wine, beer or face melting liquor from here on out. Drinking after 30 is not meant to be fun.
   
6. Remaining friends with people that totally hooked up with your ex, a few times, over several nights, when everyone could see. Looking at you Alex.
   
7. Swearing. Like all the fucking time.
   
8. Walks of shame, strides of pride, saunters of you shouldta’ve oughta’s…you know, walking home in the AM in your fancy dress and sex hair.
   
9. Wearing 18 different bracelets from 12 different festivals, some of which you didn’t even go to.
   
10. …and you can take that ankle bracelet off as well. It’s starting to smell funny.
    
11. Getting very large hickey’s in very obvious places.
    
12. Rolling your eyes at every engagement photoshoot that crops up on your FB wall.
    
13. Drunk puking. You’re only allowed to chunder when you’re actually sick.
    
14. Crawling up the stairs like you’re a wild, untamed beast.
    
15. Using song lyrics for your facebook status. Actually, that one should have ended in middle school.
    
16. Pretending that taking the stairs = going to the gym.
    
17. Wearing your favourite T-Shirt you got when you were 16.
    
18. …even though Fall Out Boy are still the greatest band that ever lived.
    
19. Sleeping with your blankey, especially when you’re crashing at someone else’s house.
    
20. Pulling a sickie because you’re too hungover to function.
    
21. Reasoning that pizza is healthy so long as you limit your toppings to only two kinds of meat.
    
22. Only knowing enough about politics to comment on Donald Trump’s hair.
    
23. Writing passive aggressive comments on people’s vacation pictures.
    
24. Getting take away because you only have ketchup, half a sandwich and miracle whip in the fridge.
25. Learning to cook beyond you’re famous melted cheese with pasta. It’s not even a real meal.

Life ain’t easy and that holds doubly true for any struggling artist. Whatever your medium is, most people struggle to get over the initial hurdles and get some height up that greasy pole. So if you’re having a hard time of it, here’s some advice that may help you bypass all that bullshit:

Stop killing yourself over your work.

Everything you do will always be a work in progress, you will always be able to improve upon it and it will never be good enough. Don’t beat yourself up about it, this is a good sign. If you are feeling content and believe what you produce is the finished product then you’re lacking the vision and drive to really create.

Keep fucking up.

The old adage goes, you learn from your mistakes, and while you may not believe this as you’re drowning your last cluster-fuck with a tsunami of whiskey, when you return to the desk and give it another crack, that lesson will hold true.

Relax. No, seriously. Relax.

Second guessing, attacking your ego, concentrating on the negatives and self-sabotage are all a part of creative mind, but the bad news is, they aren’t helping you at all. Keeping yourself highly strung and hyper-sensative is stopping you from producing your best work. Relax in any way that will work for you; get your nails done, find a bar, mediate, just keep a notepad handy for when the inspiration starts to flow.

Do your own thing.

It’s important to have influences, to have mentors and to have people to follow; they help you establish your own voice and give you a goal to aim for. But work that inspires you should be a guide not a blueprint, by copying you do yourself an injustice. So take elements of work that stimulates you and add your own twist – innovate, don’t imitate.

Distribute, distribute, distribute.

It doesn’t matter if you think your work is destined for a pulitzer or belongs in an incinerator, it’s just important to get it out there. Send it to friends, stick it on forums, create a blog and post it to magazines. You’ll get feedback, you’ll get rejection and you may even get published, but most importantly you’ll get acknowledgment, and it’s from there you can establish yourself.

Big up yourself.

You’re going to be your own publicist, PR team and fan club member at the beginning, and if you wanna succeed you should take those jobs seriously. Confidence is infectious and if you have belief in your own work, others will start believing in it as well.

It’s not meant to be easy.

You create your best work when you’re down, out, desperate and alone. That might sound terrifying and depressing but it’s the cold hard truth. Console yourself that most of the world’s great writers, painters and musicians made their best stuff while climbing out of a hole. It’s not fair, but we all do better when our back is up against the wall.

Network, just don’t be slimy about it.

Networking is a dirty word, it creates an image of men in suits at business mixers swapping cards and circle jerking their collective achievements. Networking doesn’t have to be like this, especially not in the creative industries. Identify people you admire and contact them for a coffee or a drink. People love helping people, and so long as you’re honest and upfront  with what you want the majority of the time they’ll help you get onto the next rung of the ladder.

Listen to yourself.

Create what you know, what you love and what keeps the fire in your soul burning. If you are creating it’s because you feel a need for it and a drive for it. Pursue what feeds the fire and avoid anything that may begin to dampen it.

Now they’ve found water on Mars, jetting off and making it our new home has now become real possibility. You may think that years of isolation and a high chance of death make this a fool’s errand, but you need to look at the positives of an inter-planetary relocation:

1. No more student loans.

You may have a debt that would make a small country weep for their financial future but the chances of the loan company sending a threatening letter up here might be beyond even their reach. They can forget about that overdue library fine as well, no way they’re getting their Econ-101 textbook back now.

2. Dating would be way easier.

Who needs Tinder when you have several strapping international astronauts to choose from. Sure, cocktail bars and movies are probably a bit thin on the ground up on the 5th planet, but there’s’ a few other things you can do in Zero G that will keep you nice and distracted.

3. Let’s see your psycho-ex finding you up here.

Although don’t put it past them. After they’ve bombarded you with text messages, destroyed your FB wall and stalked you at work, don’t think moving to another planet will deter them. They’ll probably cobble together a spaceship in their garage and be waiting outside your pod door the moment you arrive. Honestly, some people just can’t take the hint.

4. You can totally see yourself as a Founding Father.

You’ll be like the first person on a entire new planet, and this means it’s up to you to make the rules. Say hello to mandatory Sunday Fundays, a ban on relationship Ghosting and a free kitten to any newcomers making a new home on the red planet. It’s a brave new world up here and you’re not going to fuck it up like the last one.

5. Your Insta game will be on point.

Who needs a strong filter game when you’ve got the best shots in the universe coming from your Instagram account. No one has done a daily yoga pose next to the oceans of Mars yet and you’re one upping any faker that think they can take a pic of a red moon and get a thousand likes. You’re on the gosh darned red planet motherfuckers, beat that.

6. It definitely pays bank.

Astronauts are like super heros, fighter pilots and celebrities rolled into one, so there is no way they aren’t making some serious paper when they swan off on their important missions. While there’s probably a limited amount of places you can spend it in outer space, at least you know you’re coming back to a tasty nest egg if you bottle out and take the next ship home. You can come home, right?

7. No more guilt about missing the gym.

I mean, being on a different planet is basically a iron clad excuse to forgo leg day. Plus any work outs you do squeeze in while on the Red Rock are going to be damn impressive, and you’ll be smashing PB’s left and right now there’s no gravity. Who wants to see me do a thousand pull ups?

8. It’s sexy as hell.

The space suits leave a lot to the imagination, but there’s something about being an astronaut that will pique the interest of any would-be hook up. If space can make Sandra Bullock seem hot again, you’re gonna have no problem.

It’s not that you’re against technology, you just like it done the classic way. Disposables over instagram, bikes over Uber, talking over messaging. You’re friends think you’re old fashioned, but you know you’re Old School Cool.

1. The bar is 3D Tinder.

OK, you may not be able to swipe left and get the creepers to fuck off and leave you with all the hotties, but you wanna meet a hook up face to face from the word do. Cos there is nothing worse than being disappointed by a fucking Tinder personality.

2. You still own a DVD collection.

Yes, you have heard of Netflix, yes, you know it’s only $7 a months and yes it’s “better” than a flippin DVD, but you’re a traditionalist dammit and part of watching a movie is seeing some trailers and a blooper reel or two, it’s really not that crazy.

3. Spotify has nothing on record shops.

Spotify takes all the fun out of finding new music. You wanna be able to flick through some LP’s, get into an argument over why The Stones are better than Zeppelin, and go have a fight in the parking lot about it. It’s barbaric doing it any other way.

4. Paper maps not google maps.

It’s not an adventure if you’re going to get to your location on time, have no arguments, and don’t have to pull over to ask directions from a local who resembles a character from The Hills Have Eyes.

5. Phones are for texting and calling…end of.

It took you long enough to get a smartphone in the first place and now everyone is accusing you of not using it right. It’s better than having to buzz your pager isn’t it?!

6. Yellow pages are your google.

There is something incredibly soothing flicking through a brand new yellow pages book and finding what you need. Nothing against google, but typing and clicking isn’t as satisfying.

7. Who needs Seamless when you’ve got takeaway menus.

You’ve been getting take out from the same four places for years now and no fancy pants website is going to change anything. Chinese Wok would be devastated if they didn’t hear your voice every friday night, and you don’t want to worry them.

8. Your hand functions as your notepad.

It’s the perfect place to stick a reminder; you see it all the time, it’s big enough to write a small list and its wipe cleanable. Your move iPhone.

9. You own a physical, real life calendar.

Every christmas Santa brings you the 12 hotties of 2016 and you’re itching to see what scantily clad piece of meat is going to grace your birth month, and you’ll never let Apple take that away from you.

10. You know you can’t put a filter on real-life.

It’s only a good picture if you capture it “as is”. It’s straight up cheating to take a washed up piece of crap and molesting it until it’s fit for public consumption, you’re only lying to yourself.

You and lady luck have been bro’s from the beginning. You don’t know if it’s your sunny disposition, the universe watching your back or something on more paranormal level, you just know that if things need to fall in your favour, they probably will:

1. Red lights aren’t a thing.

You have no idea why people complain about their commutes, all you have to do is look at a traffic light and it turns perma-green. Does this not happen for everyone?

2. You always make it just in time.

Oh you’ve been late before, but only when it doesn’t matter. When you gotta be somewhere the stars will align, the roads will be empty, the elevator will be waiting and you’ll stroll in like you’ve got hours to spare. Never in doubt.

3. Job interviews are done deals.

Turn up in your laundry day outfit with seconds to spare, half the experience they’re looking for and hungover from last night’s shin-dig. You’ve got this in the goddamn bag.

4. You’ve won national competitions on a few occasions.

What the fuck are you meant to do with six lifetime supplies of vanilla pudding?! #luckypeopleproblems

5. Your friends refuse to play poker with you.

You may have no idea how to play the game but that doesn’t stop you from raking in all your pals hard earned moolah. Pocket aces are meant to be good, right?

6. You always got the toy in the box of cereal.

This one is from the kiddy days, but it demonstrated that you had the luck gene from day dot. Your siblings didn’t get a look in when it came to scoring that magical piece of film themed plastic.

7. Casinos are cash machines.

Apparently the house always wins, which you’ve always thought is a weird name to call your wallet.

8. Good weather follows you.

Vacations are never going to be spoiled by the local climate. You’re a weather god and the skies are just there to worship you.

9. You don’t need an alarm, you never wake up late.

…apart from when you do. But you don’t sweat it ‘cos you can guaran-fuckin-tee the day you turn up tardy is the day the boss stays at home.

10. You’ve never lost an eBay auction.

You don’t wanna brag or nothin’, but you’ve never paid more than a ton for a pair of Jimmy Choos. Suck on that Barney’s.

11. People think you might be a wizard.

I mean, why wouldn’t they, mysterious things are always happening to you, you have unexplained powers that no one can replicate and you look dope in a pointy hat and robes. You were a born Hogwarts candidate, man.

12. Have you ever lost a coin toss?

Or rock, paper scissors, connect four, jenga, monopoly, or twister. I mean, sometimes you let other people win, but deep down you know you could always swing it back in your favour, lady luck’s got your back.