This is the calm.
When the leaves lay at the feet of the thunder,
just as I do for you.
The mere moment the glare from the lighting blinds me
from the disassociation I face in your path.
The storm is coming,
yet for this moment I live in an infinite bliss of arrogance.
A monsoon of Love pours over and whilst your hands once collected the rainfall,
you no longer require the hydration.
Much like looking up into the unknown,
within a flood of stars,
I realize how small I am.
Just how insignificant is it that I spend my days feuding
with entities that require more than just my peace to reach fulfillment.
It is trivial to believe that the world could even choose the color of the night sky.
For if it was pink they would argue magenta.
I am simply a sunset within this black and white world.
A pallet unbeknownst to most.
The floor rattled as deception creeped
through the walls of our home.
More aggressive than the day before.
It sung a song of despair each night,
ever so muffled by the solid oak.
Fear, Anger, Pain
All the reasons I turned the unknown away.
Yet was it the beast or myself to which I was fleeting?
As the rain flooded each dream and lightning struck my future
I confronted this demon.
However, it was no monster at all.
Instead standing before me was my reflection,
far more broken than I had yet become and a bit older.
When confronted with what brought her to this depth she replied:
“You saved the vessel, not the crew. You worried about them and not about you.”
It creeps in through the glass,
distorting my vision of what is and is yet to come.
The hand of dissatisfaction pressing
ever so firmly against my chest,
conforming my words into societal acceptance.
Chains around my wrists,
capturing my humanity.
A painted mask of happiness
to conceal the expression of life
To whom are we true?
To them?
To us?
Is the sole purpose to commemorate the idea of perfection and acceptance?
We are merely figures within a globe of snow;
Activated at discretion.
I stare out into an infinite blue sea,
imaging a perfect world.
One to which the waves of anger and jealousy
wouldn’t dare crash against my lips.
The type of world where all of my words could simply flow
directly out of my soul without getting caught within my insecurities.
A place where my efforts were appreciated
and my positive traits were noted,
rather than drowned by my imperfections.
My Atlantis if you will.
Republished from July 7 2019
I peered off into the sky today, thinking of better times. The clouds drifted into the trees and turned them a pale green. The sound of birds faintly chirping in the background as I pull memories back and forth with reality.
It seems unreal, as if it’s a nightmare I simply cannot escape. No matter how often I pinch myself I can’t come to a better reality. How is it possible for people with such vibrant souls to be gone from this earth.
They wouldn’t want us this way, inflicting pain was never their intention. I cry out over words unspoken and moments in time that I wish stood still. I break because we couldn’t save them, nothing we could’ve done would have been enough to change what life had broken.
However, as I look off into what appears is endless earth I feel them. I see them in all things beautiful. and I hear their laughter in the wind of this uncertainty. I feel they’re at peace. No longer are they captives of this hold the world had on them all.
They can breathe without fear of broken words. They can smile knowing joy comes with each sunrise. Lastly, they can protect us from all that is wrong with this world.
To all we lost too soon.??
Dear COVID-19,
I found myself within your storm. I held the hand of a man that became lost within the lightning and rain you created. He was a man of few words, with wrinkles that showed a road map of his years. He told me of his family that you stole from him and all the pain and suffering he was damned to within eternal hell. He shared stories of his wrong doings and explained to me just how he ended up within your grasp. His next question was, “What could eyes as tender as yours have done to deserve this damnation?” I exclaimed to him that for one moment I was happy and left vulnerable to the capabilities of life. For a brief second I tasted the sweet air and felt my lungs inflate against my blouse and within that moment you, the destroyer of beauty, ripped away my mere sanity. I let him in on all of your secrets, how you took the air out of the lungs of my family and replaced it with infection. You wiped the color from their skin and the smiles from their souls. Your infectious storm wiped out a nation. I told him how I entered the mayhem on free will to find answers as to why death chose to knock on the door of so many lives.
At that moment he dropped to his knees and I brushed my palm against his face. I ask him his name and that of his family so when the sun may shine I could find them. He wailed out in pain, “I am death. I am made to be feared by the world for this disease. I do not rob those of their air but am simply the deliverer of their souls. I am here to escort them to their final home. I am not evil. This infection was sent from the depths of hell to prey on the vulnerable on earth. I feel the pain of each tear passed and cradle the hearts of each passerby. I rescue those I can and return their breath but I cannot save them all. I am within this storm to search for the lost that are fighting for life. At this moment I took his hand yet again and stared death in the face. I proclaimed to him the love I would surely spread to the world in his name and that hell hath seen no fury compared to that of the overwhelming love after the storm has passed. You see the greatest revenge I can hope to place before you is to live. To simply live this life even after you’ve set fire to our existence. Although some of us will lose this fight on earth, our rewards after this world are untouchable by you. You see you can only harm our bodies not our faith.
Sincerely,
The Writer
Life is hard, and while we didn’t sign up for the journey we are simply chosen to live it. The chaos this world creates can bring the warmest spirits to shambles. With so many negative influences it’s easy to get lost in the anarchy.
I found myself on a walk with a stranger. I peered into the mirror and no longer knew the reflection. The last me I knew was happy. She enjoyed art and flowers. She had clear skin and no dark circles under her eyes. She took care of her health both mentally and physically. Most importantly she loved the new adventures each day gave her.
Who was this? This girl was sad. She wore her anxieties on her shoulder and while she still smiled, it was all for show. Her biggest fear was what the next chapter of life would bring. This girl was saddened by all the things that made her previous self whole.
The questions I started asking myself were immense. Who am I? What do I enjoy? What even is my favorite color? I couldn’t answer a single question about ME. The skills to think for oneself taught since the time of birth and I felt as if I were reading a foreign language.
You listen to the world.
You listen to every opinion of who you should be to the point that you’re not human any longer. You are nothing more than a figment of someone’s imagination. You become exactly what the world says you should be, and then they tell you it’s not good enough.
My message to everyone is live for yourself. Be happy with whom you see and never lose sight of them. The journey back is ten times harder than the trip there, and it’s fought alone.
I’m finally regaining some knowledge of who I once was and the feeling of a sincere smile is indescribable. When life makes the offer to choose your happiness or the happiness of others, always choose you.
Follow Victoria on social media:
Facebook
Instangram
At sixteen, I began a fight with a monster I couldn’t see nor hear. I took the first step of a journey within myself that unbeknownst to me would last a lifetime. Copious amounts of medication was administered just to make everyday life bare-able. However, the medication only led to the feeling of numbness.
I was wrong. Mental health just doesn’t work that way.
The next few years included me changing schools, dropping out of college, and having small episodes of panic after becoming pregnant with my son. My son was 9 months old when I threw my hands up. How could I possibly be a sufficient mother to him if I couldn’t even turn off the lights without obsessing all day as to if I truly cut them off.
At that time in my life I was living the only way I knew how: With a just getting by attitude. Then one day I woke up and decided there was more to life and I wanted to live again. I was no longer going to sit back and watch life pass me by. That day changed me: March 2nd, 2018.
I joined support groups on Facebook and chose to express my feelings to others who fought my same battle. I started exposure therapy on my own and soon what consumed hours of my day only took a few moments.
I found my love for writing in those four years of darkness and set the bar for where I’ll not ever fall again.
My advice to others is seek assurance. Talk about the struggles you face and accept the diversity! This is YOUR story, you have the pen.
Simply drinking an herbal tea once a day and using Weight Loss Shakes for Women is all it takes to get beach body ready, right? Wrong. Nothing pains me more as an upcoming personal trainer and fitness guru than seeing the views people have of themselves after these programs. Social media has made it almost impossible to have any realistic goal on how to be fit.
My first word of advice is stop focusing on just losing weight, the overall goal here is health. I say this because at some point when the pounds have been shed, there is still work to be done. Health is intended to be a lifestyle not a 30 day fix.
Allow me to debunk the possibility of losing 30lbs. in 30 days. One pound of fat is equivalent to a 3,500 calorie deduction. That is reducing your calorie intake by around 500-1,000 calories a day. To lose 30lbs. in 30 days you would have to cut your daily calorie intake by 3,500 in order to lose 1 pound a day. The typical daily intake is between 1,200 and 2,500 calories.
I want to express some key points as to why as humans we are perfectly imperfect and that has a lot to do with our health journey.
Height and weight go hand in hand. While 160 pounds may be overweight for a 5’ 1 female, it is a perfect weight for a 5’ 9 female. This is why solely relying on an “ideal” weight is ineffective. Between males and females it varies drastically.
Metabolic consistency varies between people. The rate in which an individual burns fat as well as the amount of time to gain muscle varies. There are multiple health conditions that can pertain to metabolism and how the body functions. For instance an individual with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) could need a completely different work out regime than someone without.
Muscle Mass increases weight for the good. Many have been taught to focus only on the scale, which is entirely wrong. 140 pounds of fat and equal amounts of weight in muscle mass looks entirely different.
Instead of falling head over heels for a miracle plan, learn to love your journey. If you choose to workout do it for your health, not just for the bikini.
See more from Victoria:
Facebook
Instagram
Blog
