To The Strong Daughters Who Freed Themselves From Their Toxic Mothers

The one thing that I know I roll my eyes at every time I hear it slip out of someone’s mouth is “but she’s still your mother so you have to love her and forgive her.” Bullshit.

First off no one has the right to tell you who you have to love and who you have to let be a part of your life. Secondly, I am so proud of you if you had the courage to finally say enough is enough and walk away. It isn’t easy.

Being a mother isn’t just birthing you, clothing you, feeding you, or putting on a show so that way the rest of the world thinks you’re doing a great job.

Society casts this idea that mothers and daughters are supposed to be best friends. However for some women that isn’t the case. Just because she gave birth to you doesn’t make her your mother. It isn’t a right or a privilege that you get, despite what that person thinks. She doesn’t get to use that as blackmail either.

Maybe she’s oblivious to the pain she’s caused you, maybe she lives in a delusional world where she’s done no wrong or maybe there are just too many variables to even begin to understand. It doesn’t make it right.

It’s not an easy thing getting over. Mother’s Day comes around and you see everyone getting so excited about it and you’re torn between gagging and this gnawing feeling in your gut that you don’t get that luxury.

I bet it’s taken years for you to come to grasp with it. It’s potentially made you closed off from others. It’s gotten in the way of relationships, friendships, and daily activities at times. You’ll see small traits of her in you and you get so discouraged that any part of her could be seen in you.

You’re not her. You are far from her. And you are a caring, intelligent, gentle, kind, and wonderful woman.

You don’t have to forgive her. And you don’t have to communicate with her, you don’t have to love her, and you don’t have to acknowledge her.

If you take one thing from this don’t let anyone tell you any different. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are in the wrong for feeling the way you do. Don’t let anyone tell you that it makes you a bad person for removing her from your life.

You don’t have to respect anyone who doesn’t show you the same kind of respect. You don’t have to love someone who doesn’t love you back, especially a love that comes with conditions.

And you have the right to stand up for yourself. You have the right to remove anyone from your life that is toxic. And you have to right to be happy. You have the right to decide who your family is. And you make the decisions that are best for you.

See that word that keeps repeating, “You.”

It isn’t about her, at least not anymore because you’re stronger than that. And you don’t need hers or societies approval to live a life that is best for you.

And for those who look at these girls and tell them to “be respectful of their “mothers” or “I’m sure she loves you” or my all-time favorite, “Don’t be ungrateful, shebrought you into this world she is always your mother” please don’t.

She isn’t selfish, she isn’t naïve, and she’s not being rash or disrespectful. She’s doing what she knows is best for her.

At the end of the day you have yourself to answer to and I think you’ve turned into an amazing young woman without her.

XOXO

People Are Revealing The Brutal Ways They Found Out Their Partners Were Cheating

Not every relationship is meant to last forever. Some people come into your life to teach you valuable lessons—like, read the red flags. While some people are strong enough to walk away from people they no longer love, others are too coward to say goodbye and instead, cheat—regardless of how much pain they know they will cause their partners.

Finding out your partner is cheating on you is probably the hardest pill to swallow. Maybe worse is to catch a cheating spouse red-handed. Recently, BuzzFeed asked their users to share the ways they found out about their cheating SO’s and—they’ll make you never want to date again.

1.

The girl he was messing around with came forward. It was the worst. This was after I had already confronted him about another girl he was cheating on me with. He was a dick. –sarahg44f760348

2.

I mean, he was talking to my best friend and they seemed in their own little world talking which I didn’t think twice about because we were sat in and group and then I look over and they were full on making out as if they forgot I was right next to them. I was like “?????? Hello???????” –maryj42b55b693

3.

I was on a job interview in Houston. When I got home my 2 step-sons and I had a bondingdate. During the day the littlest one was hugging me and I told him how much I loved him. He turned around and said that Jenna loved him and his brother bunches as well. When I asked who this person was he proceeded to tell me while I was gone she came to my home and spent the entire time there sleeping with their dad and holding a party with our friends. Needless to say, I called my in-laws told them the situation and turns out they knew about her. So I packed up they showed up I left with my clothes and a few personal items and filed for divorce the next day. –samantham4162a72e5

4.

I pulled up to my house after spending a night at my moms house after a fight with my now ex. I saw a strange car in the driveway. I stormed in and saw a pair of men’s shoes on the landing. I walked into my bedroom and they wereasleep in each other’s arms in our bed. And that’s how I found out my husband had a boyfriend. I threw the shoes at them and chased the boyfriend out of my house in his underwear. I moved out a week later and never looked back!! –tonig14

5.

My now ex-boyfriend was throwing me a birthday party at his place. I couldn’t find him when I got there so I decided to look around. He was on the couch MAKING OUT with another girl. He looked at me and tried to play it cool. What’s worse is that one of his friends was like, “oh have you met his girlfriend? She’s really cool.” I left immediately. He texted me for the next couple days and kept apologizing, but it was too late for me. –germsortiz

6.

He planned a trip before we had started dating, to go and visit his sister. When the date came around, I dropped him off at the airport and took care of his dog for the week. I got a message on Instagram from a girl I didn’t know, providing screenshot proof that he had been planning on seeing her during his trip, and had been sleeping with her the whole time. When I called to confront him, he had the nerve to call her crazy and denied it!! Until I read the screenshots to him. –hayleyr4ce138a6f

7.

My whole life I’ve had a terrible habit of, when I get annoyed with people, I say something pretty extreme to get a reaction (I’ve gotten better). When I was 23 I had been dating my college boyfriend so it was a bit long distance. He canceled weekend plans last minute so I said “it’s cause you’re cheating on me with your coworker.” He got annoyed, said he’ll see me in a couple hours and came. Turns out, I was right, and he drove 2 hours to find out how I knew. –courtneya8

8.

I was looking through my 5 year old daughters photos on her tablet and saw the nudes of another girl and screenshots of snaps and text messages (not to me). When I confronted my husband about it I was the one who got called “psycho.” –aliviar483ed01e3

9.

I answered his ringing phone after he came home blind drunk and passed out on the couch. She was surprised as he had told her we wereseparated. I was about 2 weeks away from giving birth at the time. –Sharimg

10.

He went binge drinking, called me after he sobered up and told me he couldn’t come home until the hickies cleared up. –acourterille

11.

We were at a mutual friends house hanging out with her and her boyfriend. He fell asleep and I heard his phone go off, I knew he’d been waiting for a text from his mom to ask her if he could stay in town another day so I checked it. It ended up being a text from a contact named “baby” saying “I know you’re cheating on me”. So I scrolled through their messages, it wasn’t just sex they had a while relationship where they would say they loved eachother. I got her number and texted her from my phone and explained the situation. They’d been dating a couple months (him and I had been together for a year) turns out the cheating she had been referring too was about another girl. There was 4 of us. All of our contact name were just different pet names “babygirl” “babe” “baby” and “cutie” –amynottage02

12.

We were only together for a couple months, but I was getting gas one day when I saw him in the car with a girl that had come up in conversation a couple times. I had his location, but I texted him to ask what he was up to and he lied. Anyway, his roommate ended up showing me condoms in his room, and when I confronted him, he admitted it and apologized profusely. The next day, i called him and she answered the phone then he grabbed it from her and had the nerve to insinuate I’m stalking him and trying to ruin his relationship with her! Bonus: a month or so later, she cheated on him, stole some of his money and just overall fucked him over so karma is a bitch I guess. –hosannay

13.

found a bloody pad in the garbage, wasn’t on my period and in fact i find it disgusting that he would have cheated on me with someone who’s on their period and am g l a d he’s gone. –jayapike

14.

He forgot his phone at home when he left for work one morning. I opened up his phone and there it was. He’d been communicating with two ugly girls for two months. When I confronted him about it, he said it wasn’t cheating because he never touched them even though he sent dick pics and they reciprocated. That’s still cheating. – hannahrosep46c525402

15.

I was with this a*hole of a guy, who on paper it look like the perfect gentleman, open the doors for me, texting me the whole time, taking me to beach days. One day after we went for a friend wedding one of the bridesmaid I met a week before she DM me on fb telling me this guy text her to go out with her, she told him he was an idiot and said no, when confront him he just told me mmm yeah and that was it. A month later another girl DM me on fb cursing me and telling me to get away from her bf, I talked with her and explaining what happened and I haven’t talked with him over a month,then she told me that she got his cellphone and it wasn’t just me who he was going out, there were 3 other women he was hooking up. I can’t still understand how he managed the time. –edithmolinal

16.

I heard him bragging on the phone about it. TO HIS MOM! –moniquee13

17.

this was in high school, and my bf and I had been together for a few months when this happened… we were watching tv and an ad for Indian Jones came on. I had mentioned I’d never seen any of them and he goes “oh yes you have! that was the movie that was on a couple weeks ago!” I insisted I didn’t remember and he starting going into details about what was going on during the movie (hint hint) trying to help me remember. I guess my face gave it away because he stopped mid sentence to say “oh shit… that wasn’t you…” –lindseyd42277ce55

18.

Surprised my ex by throwing a house party to celebrate his recent job promotion. Probably 80 of our friends were there. Drink after drink the night went on. Everything was going great until I couldn’t find my ex. Went downstairs to investigate and walked in on a 3 some between my ex boyfriend and my two best friends. Stood in the door way shocked, went upstairs and downed a bottle of vodka before leaving and never speaking to any of them again. Let’s just say my trust issues have never been the same. –Justine Mkayla

19.

We shared a bank account that i was only keeping afloat at the time to help support him through his new job/move to Philadelphia. I woke up one morning to an alert that 120 dollars was spent from our- better yet MY Chase account! I automatically go to check the IG page of this girl I noticed he recently started following. I see on her page that she had a date night at the place Chase said the card was used. I call him and blow up. He said he took himself out on my dime bc of stress. Oh word my dude? And you just so happened to jump in on home girl’s stories too?! You the worst kinda herb my dude. You the broke *ss dumb type of loser. Got my money back and deaded his whackness. –colleenw10

20.

I was a year out of high school and my boyfriend at the time was a senior in high school. We made plans to hang out one Saturday, but said he couldn’t because he was asked to go to Prom with some girl that came into his work. When I told him I didn’t think it was ok to go out with another girl while having a girlfriend, he said TO MY FACE, “I’m not a caged animal, It’s not my fault I’m so attractive.” He was so confident in himself that he continued to tell me how he was talking to THREE other girls while still dating me and told me “if I want this relationship to continue, I have to be ok with it”. UM BYE. –K8M517

21.

Was diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment. Went home early one day to surprise my husband. Walked in on him and our marriage counselor going at it. In our bed. While she wore my favorite pair of boots. Turnsout, my cancer was caused by HPV. He’d been cheating on me the entire 10 years we’d been together. –mollycasanovad

22.

We were in high school, and he had just turned 18. I was in the car with him on the way to his house when two cop cars pull up, tell him to get out of the car, and arrest him on the spot. I had no idea what was going on. A few days later I found out he was cheating on me. With a 15 year old. –aspitzzz

23.

He forgot I had him on Instagram and he posted a sonogram of a baby he was having with someone else. –allin18

h/t: BuzzFeed

These stories of cheating are incredible and outlandish, but they probably won’t be the last stories you read about cheating partners. Even with technology designed to catch a cheating husband or spouse, we humans still can’t resist the temptations and allure of new experiences with new partners. Sex wins every time!

People Reveal The One Major Secret They’re Keeping From Their Partner And Why They Refuse To Tell Them

Being in a relationship with someone usually means being upfront and honest with them—usually. Sometimes, there are couples who, for whatever reason, choose to keep things to themselves in certain situations and topics. While some couples feel that everything should be up front and in the open, there are others who feel there are certain things that should be left unsaid. Maybe it’s something in their past, or, maybe it’s something that they feel will do nothing but piss their partner off—so, they keep it quiet. From the big to the small, people are sharing that one secret they keep from their significant other and, why they decide to do it.

1.

I hate her homemade spaghetti sauce. It’s been 14 years, why tell her now?

Honkey_McCracker

2.

My wife’s dad passed away less than a week after a hip replacement.

I visited with him the day he got home from the procedure and he told me everything was going well but he was scared about the blood thinner injections he would have to give himself over the next four days.

When we were cleaning out his house I found the four unused blood thinner syringes and threw them away without saying anything.

StopCastingPorosity

3.

I inherited a few million from my mother who died when I was a child. I’ve mostly left it alone because there wasn’t anything I wanted that I couldn’t just get with some elbow grease.

Once my SO and I are at the cusp of doing the house-and-kids thing I will let him know so he can stop worrying about earning enough to put a down payment on a new home.

not_thedrink

4.

About eight years ago I discovered my wife’s sister’s reddit account accidentally. It was a variation of a username she’d used for AIM before, but with different numbers and no underscore (the numbers were a significant date to her though). There were too many coincidences in her posts for it not to be her.

She was posting on the relationship advice subreddit. Her (now ex-) husband was abusive. We’d known something was off about him, but couldn’t really put our finger on it. I created another account that I only accessed from incognito mode to send her encouragement to leave, and to ask her family or friends (but kinda steered her towards us) for help. She didn’t want to impose or be a burden on any of them (we’d just had a kid, and I make a bunch of money but we live well within our means so you wouldn’t think this based on appearances, so it was an understandable concern). I slowly, over several weeks and several different posts she made, convinced her that it’s possible her family realizes something isn’t quite right and would not consider it a burden to help her out.

After their divorce I deleted that account. Nobody will ever know that the random internet stranger who was weirdly persistent in encouraging my SIL to reach out to her family for help and leave her abusive marriage was actually me.

JollySkin

5.

That raccoon you hit with the mower wasn’t fine. I beat it to death a shovel to put it out if its misery.

She was in her 3rd trimester and was very emotional. I couldn’t tell her she’d basically cut its rear legs off.

Blacklight_Fever

6.

When going to the store one day my SO asked me last second to take our 3 Y/O daughter. I was already in the car so my SO strapped her in. She was oddly quiet the whole car ride and i acvidentally went in the store without her because of it. I remembered after being in the store only about 45 seconds but immedietly left the store to get her. I was so embarrased someone would notice so i went to a completely different store. Now it scares the shit out of me and even when i KNOW i dont have one of my kids i always check behind me before getting out of the car. One of the worst feelings ive ever had and even now i get sick to my stomach thinking about it.

crosex

7.

Sometimes when I make his favorite homemade chicken tenders.. I use mayo in the dredge before I flour it…….. He would literally keel over and die if I told him this. It would ruin his favorite dinner. We both fucking hate mayo but damn if it doesn’t make a good dredge.

Shakezula69iiinne

8.

My wife doesn’t know how deathly afraid of being alone I am. Like…it really, truly scares me to my core. Not being alone like having alone time…that doesn’t bother me…but the idea of spending my life alone is terrifying to me. I sometimes feel like I put up with things I shouldn’t, because I love her and worry so much about being alone or having her leave me. I’ve spent nights pretending to sleep so that she won’t know that thinking about it keeps me up at night.

matrix_man

9.

That I was kicked out of the army. All she and her family know is that at one point in my life, I was in the army. She’s seen my beret so I guess that’s enough proof for her.

I can’t imagine it would destroy us but I don’t just drop information like that on people.

onfire9123

10.

I have a lot of reallyREALLY unusual kinks/fetishes that I will never tell my wife about. She likes to think of herself as “kinky,” because she’s into moderate BDSM, while she thinks I’m more into plain vanilla sex. She’s expressed disgust and disdain when various, more unusual sexual kinks have been brought up online, in movies or on various TV shows, and I’ve never clued her in that I share some of them.

ThrowingAFitAway

11.

I have a brother that’s a registered sex offender in another state. From that brother I have 7 nieces and nephews. I don’t mention it because I have no reason to be in contact with that part of my family.

bangersnmash13

12.

My SO’s father used to always give her quarters growing up (he has since passed) and now every time someone in the family finds a quarter they think of him looking down on them… it’s sweet.

Before we moved into our first home, I snuck in and hid quarters in obscure places all over the house. She’s still finding them and she likes to leave them in the spot she found them as a reminder. It always makes her smile and I’ll never tell.

PidgePop

13.

I knew my girlfriend bought me slippers for christmas a few weeks in advance, and instead of telling her I just talked more about how much I needed some slippers. It made her extra excited for me to open something that I wanted/needed so much, I wouldn’t want to ruin that memory for her.

Photon_Torpedophile

14.

One night I decided I wanted to take a sick day the next day and play some Doom, I had been freshly dating my then SO, current Fiancee and didnt want her to think I was lazy, so I told her I had an upset stomach too.

At the time, the company I worked for sick leave policy was that you rang up, spoke to a registered nurse, they gave some advice and logged your absence, it was pretty good to be honest.

Well as you can imagine, I wanted to sell the lie. So I rang, told them I wasn’t well and specifically had a stomach ache, she asked some questions like “which side is it on, how bad is it out of 10” etc.

I answered COINCIDENTALLY with whatever side my appendix was on, you might be able to get this going.

They said I should monitor it and call back in an hour and let them know how I’m feeling, so I did this. I rang back, said I still wasn’t well and the pain had increased. This lead to a shocked nurse who i happened to have on speaker phone at the time tell me to go to the hospital, my appendix was playing up. My SO heard and insisted she take me to the hospital. I didnt want to tell her I was lying so, off we go to the hospital.

We get to the hospital and she does most of the talking whilst I play it cool, telling them its no biggy.

They rush me in through emergency, take some blood tests and tell me that they’ll prep me for surgery.

At this point I started to question myself and realised I should’ve come clean at home, but now? Now its too late. I’m in too deep. Strap in Michaelscarnshrute, we’re going for surgery.

I stay overnight, get healthy dose of pain killers and watch The Shield all night, then the next day the cut me op[en.

I remember asking the surgeon as he talks me through whats about to happen if theres a chance of me dying. He says probably not, but the chance is never 0.

Fast forward to the next day, I dont have an appendix and my adventure to get 1 day off work results in me getting a week off work.

My partner and I have been together for 4 years and she will NEVER know.

Michaelscarnshrute

15.

I shut down internet whenever my SO is talking trash on CoD. Not because I mind, but because he does it in such an obnoxious way. He can go on for minutes at a time. Then he comes over to me very calmly and asks; ‘Is the internet down for you too?’

Tarantulette

16.

He thinks I’m allergic to salmon.

I just don’t like salmon… he wanted to make it for me on our first “cooking date” and I didn’t want to come off as ungrateful or picky so I said I was allergic.

It’s been 4 years and he still tells waiters I’m allergic so there isn’t cross contamination. Sigh.

whatthewhatk

17.

I really didn’t like our wedding.

He loved our wedding and often brags about how close to perfect it was, better than he ever thought, etc. He cherishes that memory, but I had a pretty terrible time. Part of it was because I had to put so much of it together, me and my friends, and he just showed up and enjoyed the party. I ran every decision by him, of course – like what to eat or what kind of officiant to get, but when it came to ordering the food and finding and hiring the officiant, it was all me. I couldn’t really enjoy it the same way because I felt so responsible for everything going OK and people enjoying it.

But the biggest part of the issue is that I just remember it as a lonely experience. It was very small as we wanted it, with just each of us having our four closest friends. But all my friends were locals I see all the time, and they were mostly preoccupied with entertaining their kids and otherwise enjoying themselves at just another event I hosted. He had his friends come in from all over the country, even one from Europe, and it was such a big happy reunion for him.

As I remember it, almost nobody talked to me at the wedding. Although I am sure there was more than I remember, I know nobody gave any toasts. I don’t recall anyone even saying something as simple and acknowledging as “congratulations” or “what a lovely ceremony.” And I definitely remember at one point the officiant (who stuck around for part of the reception), whom we barely knew, looked over at me alone and broke away from his conversations to come over to me just to make some idle conversation and keep me company. I also remember standing there looking at my phone, checking some sports scores, just to keep myself entertained and look like I had something to do.

I would have loved it if we could have had a wedding that was an order of magnitude bigger. So I could have my friends and relatives who I haven’t seen in ages and only get to see when we have excuses for events like that. I bragged about our $200 food bill for the whole event, having a friend take all the pictures, and my $50 dress, but I hate the thought now of how cheap and throw away our wedding kind of was.

What really drove it home for me was that a couple who came to our wedding got married about a year later with a very similar affair (though bigger). She even wore a dress similar to mine, and she said our wedding was an inspiration for her. That made me feel better about our wedding. I knew they were having another wedding later in the year where she lived, for her friends and relatives, and I assumed that would be a smaller event just to include those folks. Later, I saw on Facebook that it was a real-deal beautiful wedding, with dancing, attendants, professional photographs, her looking utterly stunning in a gorgeous full-length gown, and dozens of amazing pictures. So, our wedding was the template for their “forget about it” wedding. She didn’t even post any pictures of the smaller wedding at all. It made me so sad.

I know people love small, inexpensive weddings here, and the idea is that anything else cheapens the love the event is meant to celebrate. But maybe, for some people, something can be too simple, too small, and maybe even too “intimate.” I wanted to celebrate with my extended family and friends – not every single bloody one of them, but maybe 20 of them. I reduced the whole thing so much to its essence that it didn’t feel like much of anything at all.

I don’t want to spoil the wonderful memory for my husband, particularly since I labored so hard to make exactly that for him.

academiclady

18.

Hmm, I did live with a man for a year – had a bit of a gay phase.

I’ve told her I was bisexual (had some man crushes, can see the appeal of Connor Mcgreggor, Jake Gillenhaal, Tom Hiddelsdon, Chris Pratt, Robert Downey Jr) but I said I’d never really gone the whole way and wasn’t thatinterested in it.

Also I was sexually assaulted and I once got an std, and I can’t taste her cooking because I did too much coke and lost my sense of smell.

Cockwombles

19.

She knows I spent time in a local mental institution as a child, but not why. The truth is because I don’t know either, I have a fragmented memory of my childhood before the age of 11 and basically nothing before the age of 7. I’m fairly sure I was under the care of the institution between the age of 7-9 but I only recall the name of the guy who ran the place and a day trip we had once to go bowling.

As a guess I suffered from some form of psychosis, but I’d rather not dive too deep into it and she would probably pressure me into finding out what happened. My parents never speak of it so that tells me all I need to know.

LetOneRip

20.

That I absolutely hate her coworker. He’s a good friend to her when they are at work and they don’t see each other outside of work, except for a couple times every few months. He likes to make suggestive comments to her though, and she plays it off as a joke. After talking to a couple of her other coworkers I know he’s not joking. I trust her 100% that’s why I haven’t said anything, but I would love to smack that dude upside his head.

derkman5167

h/t: AskReddit.

People Are Admitting The Dumbest Things Their Significant Other Has Ever Done And…Just Wow

We all do stupid things in our lives—no one is perfect. Sometimes, we make mistakes that we can easily recover from. Other times, our partner will never, ever let us live down the dumb, outrageous, stupid things we do and say. Isn’t that what love is about, anyway? Good thing there are places like Reddit who ask our partners to share these very stories and embarrass us all for the rest of our lives. Good thing my boyfriend doesn’t use Reddit much—or I’d be f*cked.

1.

She told me she only waxes her legs, because if you shave one hair, then it splits and two grow back in its place…

bleanblanket

2.

I asked him to plant a baby tree in the back garden. The next day I saw it and thought it looked strange. Walked up and it had been planted upside down. He thought the roots were tiny limp branches. Laughed for days.

goaheadblameitonme

3.

We bought a new car. She asked me if I changed the settings to Spanish because it said ‘Ajar’ on the dash when the door was open.

Chibano

4.

As I’m in labor with our daughter, my husband asks “Do you want her to have an innie or an outie belly button?” Weird question, but whatever. So I tell him I don’t mind either way, both are cute. And then he says “Yeah, but when the Dr asks, which should we pick for her?”

He thought when they clamp the umbilical cord, parents tell the Dr the type of belly button they prefer. He’s really smart, I promise.

NoThankYouTrebek

5.

When my wife and I started dating in the mid 1980’s she knew I was a huge fan of David Letterman. She said she had a huge surprise for me as she had tickets to see Letterman at a local venue.

I was confused since David Letterman did not tour. I looked at the tickets she purchased and they were for the old 60’s band “The Lettermen.”

DetroitBreakdown

6.

One time my husband called me at work, “Babe, you’re gonna be mad, I made a mess but don’t worry I’ll fix it!” I didn’t even ask, just sighed, because he is basically Lucy from I Love Lucy. When I got home a little bit later it was to a living room COVERED in gray powder, my husband completely filthy with a trash bag and broom and a super panicked look on his face. Turned out he’d decided to help around the house and wanted to clean the fireplace, he’d just decided the best way to do it would be to stand in front of it with a trash bag and use the leaf blower to blow the ashes in.

awash907

7.

My boyfriend as we were looking up at the beautiful night sky.

“Wow, there’s so much we don’t know about the universe. Like where the stars go during the day. Are they still there? If not, where do they go?”

He was dead serious.

tinbasher97

8.

My favorite memory of my parents is going to some fast food joint, through the drive thru. Mom is driving and giving our orders to the cashier. Just as she finishes my dad casually says “To go” my mom, and she turns back to the cashier and says “To go.” Two seconds of buffering later and she slaps my dad full on in the chest, who is laughing fucking hysterically. Dont think we’ve ever let her live that down.

ZeBootygoon

9.

I showed her how to crack an egg by tapping it against another egg and she thought this meant any amount of force would be absorbed by only one egg and smashed two eggs together spraying yolk everywhere.

chunkyhenrybakes

10.

My girlfriend in college attended my graduation and afterward says to me, “Man, there were a lot of people with the name ‘lawdy’.”

Each time someone was given their degree, it was announced whether they were graduating “cum laude” or not. My girlfriend thought America’s largest family graduated from university with me that day – the Lawdy family (and they all looked unrelated.)

boobooskadoodoo

11.

My husband and I were at Canadian Tire and they had tiny examples of tents (basically looked like they were made for barbie dolls) and the pricing for each underneath. He turned to me shocked and asked, “why are these so expensive for such tiny tents?!”.

Zombombaby

12.

As we were driving along the road we saw a horse with its head over a gate. We slowed down, she opens the window and says “Mooooooo.”

StingerMcGee

13.

I love my husband but I have watched him empty a vacuum cleaner bag into a wire wastebasket.

I, on the other hand, am frequently unable to remember common words and have to resort to saying things like “The box you put stuff in to make it cold.”

AugustaScarlett

14.

My boyfriend thought that a sushi roll was a cross section of a raw eel.

emilynicole121

15.

She ate cold turkey to try and quit smoking.

Notangryactuallycalm

16.

Tried to make baked potatoes in the microwave for the first time. Wrapped them in tinfoil. Came to ask me why there were lightning bolts in the microwave and why was it getting very hot.

john_wb

17.

We were driving one day and were stopped at a red light. She’s looking at a sign and the following exchange occurs:

Her: “What a dumb name for a street!”

Me: “Huh? What street?”

Her: “Bone Marrow Drive? Who would name a street Bone Marrow Drive?”

It was a sign for a local bone marrow drive that would be taking place, not the name of the street. We still talk about it to this day.

TheRedGiant77

18.

Now ex girlfriend from high school. Her power had gone out in the neighboring town. She called crying saying she had so much homework to complete. I said to drive to my house since I still had power. She yelled at me saying “how dare you attempt to get me to drive! How do you expect me to do that… my headlights won’t work!”

jlancaster26

19.

nothing too dumb. I have a fan with different settings labelled L M H for how fast the fan spins.

She was looking at it and told me she set the fan to ‘Large.’

hafuhafu

20.

He is super grossed out my periods, when I asked him what he would do if we had a daughter he replied “I just won’t change her diaper that time of the month.”

casserolecasshole

21.

A now ex but we were trying to dirty talk and couldn’t think of the word “clit” so instead he said “tiddly bit” I was laughing so much that we couldn’t continue.

superfluck

22.

In high school, my girlfriend said, “Do you know what I just realized? There’s no state that starts with the letter F!”

We went to school in Florida.

warm_sock

23.

On the phone trying to describe where we are to her parents:

“We are behind the car that’s in front of us.”

I lost it.

Envision06

24.

Wife was getting in the car to take me to work

Started shouting at me to hurry up then it dawned on her she had got in the passenger side by mistake.

buddamus

25.

“The hardest part of writing a check is you have to write in cursive.”

G3r3nt

26.

I work at a school and received a candle as a gift one year for christmas from a parent. They were known to be hippies and set in their lifestyle. My boyfriend picked it up and said “wow, what hipsters, they even got a candle made in Mexico. It says soy candle!!” The candle was made from soy wax, it did not say “I am candle” in Spanish, much to his disappointment and my delight.

whoisgalgadot

27.

My fiancee was setting up for my 30th birthday at a bar. She was blowing up balloons with her mouth and taping them to the wall on the outside deck the bar had. She asked me, “why aren’t they floating up?”

owneroftheworld

28.

For some reason, when she’s done watching a video she doesn’t pause it or close out of the window; she just shuts her laptop. This has twice resulted in her scandalizing a quiet lecture hall with the sound of porn resuming at full volume.

And she gets off on some wacky shit.

joyyfulsub

29.

My husband called me one day with a wild story. He said he sharted and wanted to see if there was poop on his ass so he stood on the toilet and spread his ass cheeks while looking in the mirror to see the damage. Then, from him standing on the toilet seat he broke it. He fell to the floor and said he saw pubes and started puking. After all that I asked him why he didn’t just wipe his ass like a normal person but he insisted he had to look at his butthole.

AvsMama

h/t: Reddit.

Employees Reveal The Dirtiest Secrets About Their Industry And It’ll Leave You Shook

Working for a big corporation or organization can be a great gig, but it can open your eyes to a lot of atrocities that go down behind closed doors. Most companies like to present a clean, eco-friendly, pristine image to the world and its customers but, in reality, they couldn’t give two sh*ts about what actually happens. And, if you knew the truth, it would probably change the way you feel about a lot of industry big shots. Recently, users on Reddit who work for big industry names have been sharing the dirty secrets no one wants you to know—so prepare to be shook.

1.

Starbucks corporate makes us have those recycling bins in the lobby to present this green image, but most of the time all of the garbage ends up going to the dump anyway because the facility doesn’t have recycling.

princesscupcakes69

2.

Businesses offer rebates rather than cash discounts because they know the odds of you going to the trouble of mailing in a rebate coupon are minimal. Then they don’t pay the first time, because they know the odds of you complaining about it are infinitesimal. But they usually will pay off if you complain.

RonSwansonsOldMan

3.

I work with kids at a daycare and we see babies take their first steps sometimes but we never tell the parents because we don’t want them to feel bad about missing it.

theraccoonrobot

4.

Never use glasses provided in hotel rooms, especially the bathrooms. I’ve seen those get ‘cleaned’ with the same rag that cleans the toilet and sink.

m7anders

5.

When renting a storage unit you do not need to get the insurance they offer. Even if they say it’s “mandatory”, it’s illegal to force you to get insurance. Also the rent will increase yearly, forever.

LoweredBap

6.

I used to work at a large national chain of bridal stores and the wedding dresses you’re trying on are never washed. We would try to spot clean if a bride got makeup or a build-up of deodorant inside, but they smelled like BO and dirt.

kelliee408395f38

7.

I worked for a very large lingerie company. When we would get returned underwear, you’d think they’d just get damaged out because nobody knows if they were really worn, but they don’t. We put them right back out on the floor.

nataliea412d34a21

8.

Funeral homes are businesses, and funeral directors will absolutely take advantage of grieving people.

The most offensive to me are the cremation boxes. They’re literally just big cardboard boxes, and should cost less than a hundred dollars. But they also make really expensive boxes, and directors will say things like “grandma would be more comfortable in this”. No, she won’t, because she’s dead. Some of these boxes reach 1000 dollars, and of course are all just burned.

Loktharion

9.

I don’t know that this is a secret but flight attendants and pilots don’t get paid while boarding, deplaning, and delays. So when you’re delayed and angry, so are we. We’re not making money and still have to be there.

boozeandarrows

10.

The food on a supermarket deli counter is often stuff that’s gone or about to go past its best before date.

chrysowen84

11.

Professional hair color at a salon costs the salon around $6 a tube. That $40 product actually costs $10 to anyone who had a license. Salons are huge cash cows because the products are actually so cheap.

breelightyear

12.

At a hospital the straight cash price discount for many outpatient tests (MRI, CT, X-Ray, Ultrasound, Labs, etc.) can often be cheaper than using insurance and dealing with deductibles, co-pays, co-insurance, and on and on.

I’ve seen test billed for thousands of dollars to insurance cost a cash paying patient less than $400.

It’s insane.

UniqueUsername1138

13.

Credit companies will raise your interest rate for no reason and wait for you to call and complain to get it lowered. Check your statements and review ALL notices that come with your bill.

fishead62

14.

Almost every register nurse has what is called a blacklist of doctors she or he would not want even remotely near them should they need emergency services.

People need to take better care and precaution of who they choose to accept as their doctor.

heftyhotsauce

15.

The comforters in hotel rooms almost never get washed. They are nasty.

Ice_Burn

16.

I worked at a sports bar and we would regularly find chicken heads or other weird parts of the chicken with the wings. Chicken wings are forever ruined for me because of the things I’ve found while working there.

cecekalagis

17.

In an auto shop, what your mechanic tells you may not be in your best interest, but instead what is most convenient, and what is the least amount of work to do.

TheAbominableBanana

18.

Hospitals are not clean

The only really clean place in a hospital is the operating room, other than that the place is crawling with germs and whatever else has mutated on the floors and walls.

NinjaMcAwes0me

19.

The clothes you find at an outlet (more often than not) are not “cast-offs” or overages from the regular store. There’s a whole separate entity that designs and produces clothes at a lesser quality for outlet prices.

CheeseWarden

20.

Terrible and illegal things go on in every strip club. Owners only hire people for upper management who they have trusted for years because they all know this.

ImportantArtist69

21.

Most ‘subscription services’ will raise their prices over time because they expect you to just suck it up. Call up and politely complain about the price. Either you are speaking to someone who can reduce the price or they can put you through to a person authorized to reduce the price.

Ralcolm_Meynolds

22.

Your mortgage has been transferred so many times that the odds are that your payment records are incomplete.

aworldwithoutshrimp

h/t: Reddit, BuzzFeed.

Men Are Sharing All The Hilarious ‘Secrets’ Women Probably Don’t Know

Just as there are many things that men have trouble understanding about women, there are also several male habits that confuse the hell out of us.

Fortunately, someone recently asked the dudes of Reddit about their “guy secrets” they think girls don’t know about. The responses have been enlightening, to say the least. See for yourselves…

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Pray For These 21 People Who Said Super Awkward Things While Gettin’ It On

We all say stupid things some of the time. But some of us say really stupid things at the worst possible times. Reddit user BeaverMcstever recently brought these folks out of the woodwork when they asked, “What was the stupidest thing you have said/done during sex?” The answers were awkward and strange, but mostly hilarious.

1.

What she said to me: “I want to blow your brains out!”

What she meant: “I want to blow your mind!”

j_grouchy

2.

I shouted POUND IT INTO ME right in his face, for no reason. Scared the life out of him and he flopped in seconds. It haunts me sometimes. We are still together and it’s never mentioned but I burn with shame when I think of it

showusyourmickey

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3.

She said something along the lines of “you love my pussy, don’t you” and I thought it would be funny to reply “eh, it’s alright”

phonedesk

4.

Not me, but my ex [a straight girl] once drunkenly said my youngest sisters name in the heat of it. Ended things extremely quickly. I am a guy….

FreeSkittlez

5.

Getting a bj. Accidentally farted, decided to not say anything in hopes of it not smelling like absolute sh*t…20 seconds pass, it smelled like someone sh*t on the floor…needless to say it ended right there.

God_Damn_Goobacks

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6.

I called my boyfriend “Dad” instead of “Daddy”

MajorNugget

7.

One of the first times I was having sex with my first girlfriend I got a leg cramp mid thrust and just screamed out “My Leg!”

As I nearly flung myself off the bed. That fish from Spongebob became way funnier after that.

TheSoup05

8.

My ex is going to town on top of me. We’re both having a great time we’re both close. It’s about to be one of those magical moments where everybody cums together. He looks me in my eyes and asks if I like that. My stupid f**king mouth decided to say “Oh yeah” like the goddamn Kool-Aid man and then my boyfriend started laughing so hard he went soft.

WTF, me?

Yourhandsaresosoft

9.

Asked High School on/off girlfriend to marry me while mid climax. She declined.

mini6ulrich66

10.

I used to have a friends with benefits thing with this girl named Angela. After her, I started dating a girl named Andrea. One time I called Andrea Angela. That ended pretty quick.

PhilipLiptonSchrute

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11.

I was f**king a girl once and she asked if I could feel the Mediterranean breeze in her pussy.

halfandhalfmilk

12.

I was getting a pre-sex bj from my girlfriend and she turned on the TV for background noise and I happened to see that G.I. Joe was on so I said “is that G.I. Joe?” And she choked on my dick laughing and now it’s an inside joke

waterfinch

13.

My wife was feeling really frisky one night and was telling me she wanted me.

I tried to, in my sexiest voice, to sound all turned on and blurted, “Do you want some weiner sex?”

Needless to say, no, she didnt want weiner sex.

numbers17

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14.

When I was 16 and very inexperienced, I thought I be a little adventurous with my then-bf. So I slip my hand down his shorts hoping to give him a little joy, except I didn’t understand that dicks tend to tuck against one leg instead of floating right in the middle. Cue me patting him frantically and saying with genuine concern “where is it?” Didn’t live that down the next 2 years of that relationship.

epicPants_13

15.

I was with my then girlfriend. At the moment of truth I shouted, at the top of my lungs, “I’M CUMMING INSIDE YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW!!!”

She froze, her eyes wide …And then she burst out laughing.

We’ve been married for over 20 years.

When the children aren’t around, she’ll randomly yell, at the top of her lungs, “I’M CUMMING INSIDE YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW!!!”

20 year inside joke.

Still funny.

chetkincaid

16.

My girl once put her hand on my dick and said “pull the lever, Kronk!” when things were starting to get hot. I started laughing so much I couldn’t keep it hard.

plfwqekgqwnrgnw75731

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17.

I brought home a girl from a bar one night. She was on top, and asked me if I liked it rough. I said something like “yeah, baby”. I had my eyes closed for a few seconds, and when I opened them she had her fist cocked back, with a big sh*t eating grin on her face.

She clocked me in face (closed fist), and then was surprised when I pushed her off. I should never have had said “yeah”.

nokittythatsmypie

18.

I was experimenting with my girlfriend, we hadn’t done anything sexual before, and midway through teaching her how to give a handjob I said “I think you’ve got the grip of it”.

That was the end of that for the night.

FeatousHobbledehoy

19.

We were going at it, and my girl let out the perfect “uhhhh” sound, and that triggered a Pavlovian response in me where I blurted out “Na-nah -Na-nah”.

We had to stop and laugh our asses off for like five minutes before continuing.

Master P, for those who don’t get the reference.

Beeftech67

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20.

Before we began, I got up to go grab a condom. The girl was like, “Just so you know, I’m on birth control. I got the implant. You can feel it right here.”

Rather than say something like, I just like to be sure or something non offensive, I looked her dead in the eyes said, “Well, I’ve had a vasectomy. I don’t wear condoms to prevent babies.”

She never called me back.

Jckruz

21.

Having two very young kids we’ve become very familiar with a lot of nursery rhymes and what not, and one time during sexy times in the midst of it I somehow blurted out “Johnny Johnny yes papa….” Thankfully my wife had a sense of humor and she went “OH YES, YES, PAPA!”

Stop_PM_me_ur_boobs

 

17 People Share The Most Hilarious Life Advice They Got From Their Dads

    Every dad has his own true and tried life advice that he one day passes on to younger generations. Whether it’s about maintaining relationships or his secrets to success at work or even how to get out of a speeding ticket, father’s are notorious for sharing their words of wisdom.

    But in my opinion, the best guidance is the kind that seems most ridiculous. Just take it from these people who are sharing the funniest life advice they ever received from their dads.

    1. Keep to yourself.

    2. It’s just a scratch.

    3. Write this one down.

    4. Embrace your demons.

    5. Self-preservation is key.

    6. A solid piece of dad advice.

    7. He knows from experience.

    8. Follow your heart.

    9. You’ll always be a kid in his eyes.

    10. Work hard.

    11. Keep those boys away.

    12. Never be afraid to ask.

    13. Play to your strengths.

    14. Watch those allergies.

    15. He was a boy once.

    16. Don’t get sloppy.

    17. He’ll always be there to protect you.

This Twitter Thread Of Messed Up Family Stories Proves Y’all Need Serious Help

Several days ago, @lukasbattle asked Twitter users to share their most f**ked up family stories.

He first offered his own: 

The responses were so plentiful and completely screwed up that it prompted him to follow up with this tweet:

All families are messed up in their own way, as someone once wisely said. Some of us just choose to share those ways on Twitter. And for that, we thank them.

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30 Super Troubling Misconceptions Some Men Actually Have About The Female Body

The quality of sex education in America varies from state to state, but it’s safe to say that nowhere is it actually great. Or even remotely comprehensive. 

For the longest time I didn’t know whether girls peed from the same hole they bled from or from separate ones (the answer: separate ones).

But women ultimately figure this stuff out faster than men, probably because they have more to worry about socially and physically, and because women are historically more open about discussing sex/body stuff with one another than men are.

Which is why it isn’t totally surprising, but still highly discouraging, that when BuzzFeed asked its community to share “the wildest misconceptions men have had about women’s bodies,” the answers were…this:

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1.

“I had swallowed, and the guy was shocked. I was feeling pretty proud of myself until he says, ‘Why would you do that!? What if you get pregnant!?’”

spookyfish

2.

“An ex-boyfriend didn’t understand why women needed pads and tampons during their period. He thought you could just hold it in like pee and that we were relieving ourselves in our pants out of laziness.”

marianat44ac4b78a

3.

“I’ve heard multiple men make the argument that feminine hygiene products should be a luxury tax if we insist on being too lazy to go to the bathroom when we need to bleed. They thought that we could just start and stop the flow of blood when we want.”

cuteyjaime0

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4.

“My roommate dated a guy who SWORE that the only thing women need to have an orgasm was good eye contact. This guy was in his 40s.”

libbymonstar

5.

“I once had a 40-year-old man correct me in how a woman ‘wipes.’ He told me and two other women that we are supposed to wipe back to front. We said no and he told us we were wrong.”

brettmarynnw

6.

“A man told me he never has missionary sex because if a woman is on her back during sex with her head hanging over the edge of the bed, she will literally break her neck when she comes.”

ashley-elizabethj

7.

“When cuddling, by having their knee shoved against your clothed vagina, you will surely have an orgasm. This was told to me as he kept pushing it uncomfortably on my vagina.”

cocopa

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8.

“A guy told me he believed girls were born without gag reflexes.”

brennat48513f1ab

9.

“A guy I used to work with grounded his 13-year-old daughter for having a UTI because the only way she could get one was by having sex.”

taylorzufall

10.

“My ex once said that he gets so nervous around women on the first of every month because that’s when we all start our periods. It took a while to explain how menstruating actually happens.”

melaniek17

11.

“I had a classmate ask me if females could only get aroused and pregnant during our periods, and if that’s why we decline sex.”

mcrmacke

12.

“My ex vehemently tried to argue that ‘vagina’ was a term that could loosely be applied to the entire region of lady parts, and therefore women ‘peed out of their vaginas.’”

allisong435bb7baa

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13.

“In my last year of school, a guy asked me why girls didn’t use Q-tips instead of tampons. I told him the Q-tip wouldn’t absorb all the blood from a period. He said, ‘Why not use the whole box then?’”

beatrizc4184ba0d2

14.

“My boyfriend though contractions during birth were pleasurable. As in they felt like orgasms.”

brooker46c157d8a

15.

“This guy I knew from high school told me that he doesn’t believe girls poop because we’re not supposed to do gross things. I said, ‘Everyone poops. If you don’t poop, then you could be hospitalized,’ and he still didn’t get it.”

alisiakrieg

16.

“My husband used to think that women were the most fertile the day before their periods because ‘The egg is just dangling there waiting to fall out.’”

angwx

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17.

“This fully-grown 27-year-old man told me that because I was wet from the shower, I was also ‘wet’ down there.”

prettysummerreign

18.

“One time my now ex-boyfriend made a comment to me about how woman lactate 24/7 and then asked how our tops weren’t constantly stained.”

velvetbonesss

19.

“I was told the size of a man’s penis is the determining factor in female pleasure. He really thought only a big penis will give a woman an orgasm.”

emilybatsont

20.

“My boyfriend once pointed and poked at stretch marks on my legs, questioning if it was a rash or bruise. I’ve given birth and have had weight fluctuations. He said he didn’t know stretch marks could be anywhere other than the stomach.”

rambogirl

21.

“I had a friend in high school tell me he could tell which girls have had sex and which haven’t because of how they moved their hips when they walked.”

tennillec

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22.

“I was told that women can’t be pilots, or parallel park, because of estrogen. I mentioned that I have parallel parked on several occasions and that I have had several female pilots. But no, I really didn’t parallel park because I have too much estrogen.”

marinas6

23.

“My boyfriend thought that an annual pap smear was to ‘clean out’ your vagina, like when you go to the dentist for a cleaning.”

annelised2

24.

“My dad thought I could turn my period off. One day I told my dad I needed to get pads from the store and he literally yelled at me, ‘YOU NEED TO STOP THIS PERIOD BUSINESS BECAUSE I CAN’T KEEP BUYING PADS.’”

c481d3dd13

25.

“An ex of mine told me that my vagina didn’t actually produce any lubrication. He was convinced that all of the ~natural juices~ came out of my asshole.”

courtneyg401a99acc

26.

“I was at the gym one day lifting weights and a man walked up to me, beer belly and all, and asked me if women really have muscles.”

sarahb42f04396b

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27.

“When we first started dating, I told my boyfriend I had to change my pad. He was asking me if it was painful to take off the pad and if my skin or hair ever got caught in it. He swore the sticky part went on YOU, not your underwear.”

crazedflower

28.

“I work in a pharmacy and a man approached the counter and handed me a prescription for an ointment for his daughter. He told me, ‘The doctor says she should apply this to her ‘labia’?’ He used air quotes. As if the labia doesn’t actually exist.”

cristinli

29.

“I was told that if you stand up after sex, the semen will just fall out and you won’t get pregnant.”

monicajm

30.

“In middle school sex ed, we were taught that females had 10 holes in their vagina, and every one had a different purpose.”

flute185

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h/t BuzzFeed

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