Sometimes you wonder if there’s even an underlining reasoning at all.
You ask yourself a million questions a day just to try to make sense of it all, but find yourself coming up empty.
Empty.
What a belittling, unsettling feeling of upwelling emotion. To be empty.
If life is supposed to be fulfilling, exciting and create a scene of happiness, then why aren’t you sensing just that? Why aren’t you living in each moment, following a fire that’s within your soul? If life is worth living why don;t you feel free to do so? Oh, the questions they pile up in your head. They feel as if they’re ripping through your skull, like your brain is going to burst.
You wish you could explode with peace instead of unrest.
“I apologize for my absence. There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” – Laurell K. Hamilton
I know I’ve made it nearly impossible for you to get close to me lately, and I also know that you’ve tried your hardest to support me through my struggles. The thing is, my depression takes a life of its own, it suffocates my mind and all I want to do is pull away from my friends and shut down. Please believe me, I feel terribly sorry for pushing away the people that I love, so I hope you know that I don’t do it consciously, it’s actually very confusing and painful thing to do because I don’t have control over it.
1. I’m aware that my depression makes me behave like someone you barely know.
Trust me, I barely know myself when I’m depressed and I hate the feeling. It’s so overpowering, it takes away most of my energy and turns me into a shell of a person. When it takes over, I feel low, sad and irritated and I can barely focus. I think part of the reason I seclude myself is because I feel shame about my state. I don’t want the people I care about to see me down. It’s hard to recognize myself when I’m depressed, so putting myself out there adds to the overall feelings of inadequacy and shame.
2. Believe it or not, I miss you all when I isolate myself.
I feel that I’m missing out on so much and what I want the most is to feel like myself, so I can be the best friend that I can be to all of you. For the most part, my depression makes me feel like a burden when I’m trying to hide it around you. I feel worthless like I have nothing to offer and in all honesty, the last thing I want to do is hurt or bring my friends down.
I have written this note several times in my head for over a decade, and this one finally feels right. No edits, no overthinking. I have accepted hope is nothing more than delayed disappointment, and I am just plain old-fashioned tired of feeling tired.
I realize I am undeserving of thinking this way because I truly have a great life on paper. I’m fortunate to eat meals most only imagine. I often travel freely without restriction. I live alone in the second greatest American city (San Francisco, you’ll always have my heart). However, all these facets seem trivial to me. It’s the ultimate first world problem, I get it. I often felt detached while in a room full of my favorite people; I also felt absolutely nothing during what should have been the happiest and darkest times in my life. No single conversation or situation has led me to make this decision, so at what point do you metaphorically pull the trigger?
I’m going to miss doing NYT crosswords (I was getting really good). That one charcuterie board with taleggio AND ‘nduja. Anything Sichuan ma la, but that goes without saying. A perfect plate of carbonara (no cream!). Real true authentic street tacos. Cal-Italian cuisine. Hunan Bistro’s fried rice. The pork belly and grape mini from State Bird Provisions circa 2013. Popeye’s of course. Bambas too.
I’m also going to miss unexpected hugs. Al Green’s Simply Beautiful. Cherries in July. Tracing a sleeping eyebrow. Smoking cigarettes. The Golden Gate Bridge at sunset. That first sip of iced cold brew in sticky August. Making eye contact with people walking down the street. When songs feel like they’re speaking to your soul. Jeopardy. Saying I love you. Late night junk food binges. Shooting the shit. And especially the no-destination-in-sight long walks.
No GoFundMes, no funeral, no tributes, no doing-too-much please. All I ask now is for you to have one delicious (I mean a really really great) meal in my honor and let me go, no exceptions.
It’s selfishly time for me to be happy and I know you can get down with that. Please try to remember me as a whole human you shared memories with and not just my final act. This is not your fault. It’s not exactly easy for me either, I’m here for you. I love you. I always have and I always will, I promise. Shikata ga’nai.
I’m coming home, Dad. Make some room up on that cloud and turn the Motown up.
I’m really sorry mama.
Tara was found dead by police, with a strap around her neck, having hung herself. Our heartfelt condolences to Tara’s friends and family during this difficult time.
I know that things have not been easy lately, trust me, if anyone knows it’s me. The truth is, I haven’t been myself lately. In fact, I’ve been the furthest from myself that I’ve ever been. Some days, I feel like I’m not even in my own body and am, instead, a ghost sitting in the room, watching my life drift past me as I stand idly in a corner. There are moments where I feel as though I could crawl out of my own skin, uncomfortable to even live in the notion of reality. Others where I feel I am drowning and gasping for air. No, it hasn’t been easy.
But, despite all of my struggles and disastrous days, you have been the light at the end of my cold, dark, desolate tunnel every single day.
From every phone call to check up on me, to every text message during the day—the endless emojis, tagging me in memes to make me laugh. To all of the big things you’ve done, like helping me find a new therapist, talking me off a ledge, trying to find the good when everything seems so, so bad.
Depression is a hard thing to comprehend, especially when you’re not going through it yourself, but Dad, I need you to know this isn’t “just a funk.” It breaks my heart that you don’t completely understand what I’m going through, but I also sort of expected it.
Dark Places
I’m in a really dark place right now. There are times I spend the whole day curled up in bed, too emotionally exhausted to get myself to do anything productive. And I want to talk to you about it, but how do I explain emotional exhaustion to someone who’s never experienced it for themselves? So instead, all I can say is that I’m really struggling, dad.
Some days I can’t even get myself out of bed at all, I just don’t feel to have a reason.
Depression has infected almost every ounce of my life to the point where I can’t control it, it’s like a poison in my system that I can’t flush out. My mind convinces me that no one cares about me. And ny body tells me I don’t need to eat. My heart tells me I’ll be safe if I just stay inside my house and my head.
But the thing is, I don’t feel this way every single day. I do have good days
And I know that’s where it gets confusing to you because you’ve seen just how happy I’m capable of being. You’ve seen me on those good days and you believe that woman to be all your daughter is and believe me, I do too.
I want to be that woman who surprises you with burgers and shakes and eats with you in front of the TV, the woman who can’t stop laughing at your silly jokes and has so much to tell you.