Some first date stories are bad. But, some first date stories are f**king awful. Like, I mean, so awful they are almost unbelievable. The ones that you hear and say: “Nah, no shot that’s true.” And then you stop and realize how truly disgusting some humans can be and swear off dating for the rest of your life.
Twitter user Jacqueline shared the story of her friend’s date with a morgue worker and—brace yourselves, this is disgusting.
Her friend met the guy on Tinder.
After the date, they hook up and have sex. It gets…graphic.
After letting him plant his seed all over her chest, she has a rash the next day.
She decides to go to the doctor, who then sends her to a dermatologist.
And, they found “tiny parasites” under her skin.
The doctor says the only way a person gets these kinds of parasites are from having sex with animals or having sex with dead people.
But, sometimes we try to fix them and they come out awful.
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We can try to be funny.
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Like, really funny.
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But, we all know that they’ve left their “mark” on us.
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But, there is no one who has done a better “ex” coverup than this one person who turned his ex-wife into a glorious, brilliant, wonderful devil.
Not only did he go through the pain, trouble, time, and money of sitting through this ink session (that had to be a lot of shading for that color red), but, he thought about this a lot. His ex-wife must have been a hell of a woman to deserve this. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.
And, while we’re on the subject of stupid people doing stupid things—like getting their lovers tattooed on their bodies—enjoy these horrible/funny/brilliant coverups.
Let’s face it—sometimes in order to get the job done, we have to do it ourselves. This reigns true for several things in life, but, for sure it reigns true for giving ourselves some pleasure and TLC. While we may map out some time in our day/night to get down with ourselves, sometimes, things go wrong, things happen, and awkwardness presents itself front and center. How do we live these moments down? Welp, we don’t. So, instead, we share them online. Thankfully, some people have the balls to confess their awkward masturbation stories for our laughing pleasure.
1.
When I was younger, the only way I could get off was with the showerhead. For a while, I’d prop my foot up on the soap dish that was attached to the shower wall to get a better angle. After months or years of doing this, I guess it couldn’t take my weight anymore. It came crashing down off the wall mid-session. My parents still haven’t repaired that portion of the wall.
I was spending a few days at my best friends house after a breakup to recover. He has two cats and they were doing their own thing so I was sitting in the living room and decided to have some personal time. He and I had talked about masturbation around the house before so I didn’t feel weird or gross about doing it in his house. Anyways, I am just going at it and all of a sudden I hear an “ahem” and my name coming from the corner. I looked up and learned that he had installed a kitty cam to watch his cats and I was unintentionally putting on a webcam show for him. And to make things worse, I learned later that he was showing his boss and we aren’t sure if she’s aware of what transpired, but my friend definitely did.
I have a 5-year old nephew and we’re pretty close. He used to let himself in my room because he always wanted to play, especially when I’m sleeping during the day (I work night shifts). I was masturbating one morning when he opened the door asking for a bottle of milk. He even asked why I had no clothes on. I just told him I was going to change clothes and afterwards, I told him to knock first before entering any room. It took him a while to practice that. And to let you know, my doorknob is broken so he could easily come in. I’m not willing to change it so from now on, I block my door every time I masturbate.
This wasn’t me, but my man and I had a long distance thing going so we would send each other videos. We had been wanting to for a while but stuff kept getting in the way till finally one night we could. Right as he was at the finish line his parents walked in to talk to him. They just walked right back out.
After moving into my college dorm, a big group of us all decided to get to know each other and go see some museums. We walk into one of the museums and there’s a bag check so the security guards have to check that you don’t have any weapons or anything. Well, I had forgotten that I had my vibrator in there until the very old security guard pulls it out and holds up before asking “um, ma’am what is this” and I had to explain in was a vibrator in front of all the new people I had met at school and all the other people visiting the museum. What a great way to make friends the second day after moving in for your freshman year of college.
My boyfriend at the time and I were having phone sex while I still lived with my dad, and when I started getting handy with my tatas (I was wearing an oversized t-shirt and underwear) I felt something move under my shirt. I cringed and calmly hung up the phone, sat upright, and lifted up my shirt.
A tarantula (my least favorite animal) was perched on my boobs.
I screamed bloody murder and woke up my dad, to which he stormed into my room to find me in my underwear, screaming with a tarantula on my tits.
To this day, I have no idea how the tarantula got there.
I’d been in the shower with my vibrator/dildo when my dad knocked on the doer loudly to inform me that my step brothers pit bull has attacked my Pomeranian and had to be rushed to the vet. I quickly jumped out and got dressed to go with my dog. Only after getting home did I realize I’d left my vibe in plain sight in the middle of the bathroom floor with the door open while the rest of our family was home. Made a bad day worse.
I used to live with two girls in college and one time when we were all hanging out in the living room I went into my room to masturbate to some porn. I was confused as to why the volume on my phone wasn’t working and then all of a sudden I realized my phone was still connected to the bluetooth speaker that was in the living room. I could hear my roommates talking laughing about it and i was MORTIFIED. Now I’m always paranoid about the bluetooth.
When I was about 7, I had just discovered masturbation and I was going at it when my mum walked in. For some reason, instead of stopping, I kept going but brought my hand up so I was frantically rubbing my stomach. I then proceeded to say « my stomach feels funny » after she had JUST watched all of that.
I was watching porn on my phone and it was slipping out of my hand. My boyfriend wasn’t home and his step mom had her entire family over (about 16 people) for Christmas Eve dinner. Well the phone slipped out of my hand and somehow by the grace of god I casted the video to my TV, which was on full volume. I could hear the silence that followed after I tried to quickly turn the TV off. I was traumatized. Still am.
Just the other day. I was having me time and using something on my phone for inspiration. So super close to the top of the hill and my grandpa called. Whew. Talk about instant buzzkill. All of a sudden a pic of my grandpa was on my phone, staring back at me, and I was no longer in the mood.
I once walked in on my stepbrother masturbating in our shared bathroom when I got out of soccer practice early and thought no one was home. I walked in, saw him fully cocked, we locked eyes, I walked out and to this day we’ve never talked about it.
When I was old enough to discover the art of having a me-some, I was young enough to not understand lighted windows at night, and my bed was right next to the window. Let’s just say my street got a nice, enlarged backlit silhouette on my window shade of ONLY MY HAND AND MY PENIS and the motions that follow. Months of this went on before I noticed. My poor neighbors. How do you even bring that up.
In my early twenties I moved back home for a couple of years. The house I grew up in was in pretty remote and rural area and semi off the grid. Our primary means of heat was two cast iron wood burning stoves. While I was living there, we had an extremely long wet winter with months of nonstop rain. To keep the house warm we had a pretty strict routine for maintaining the stoves. On top of this, we couldn’t close bedroom doors at night or the rooms would get too cold. I was also going to school to finish my degree, taking extra courses to finish school and working part time. I did not have much privacy or time to myself and the time I did have was consumed by school, or helping with home heating or just other stuff around the house. One afternoon my professor wasn’t feeling great so he ended class early. I got home, spent an hour dealing with the stoves to warm up the house. After I realized I still had some time before anyone would be home or I needed to start prepping dinner since it was my night to cook. Immediately I got into bed for me time. After I came I realized it had been literal weeks since I had an orgasm because my life was so crazy. I got dressed, washed my hands and started dinner. After a bit, my mom came home, I said hello and asked how her day was. She froze and stared at me shocked. Then she started to rant about how for weeks I had been incredibly grumpy and irritable and gone days at a time without saying any basic greetings to either her or my dad. I listened and apologized and after she left I had a fit of giggles for failing to realize how my lack of orgasms had impacted everyone.
I live in a dorm. I always have this intense fear if I watch porn, I’ll accidentally play it on sound for the entire dorm to hear. I’m always afraid I’ll get in trouble. I’m masturbating (fully clothed thankfully) and I hear a knock at my door. I go over and it is the head of my res hall along with a man in uniform. By this point, I’m freaking out. So I open the door and I’m greeted with “Can we do a fire safety check?” Apparently this had nothing to do with my porn and it was just a concidence.
So for a couple weeks every year, miller moths sneak into everyone’s houses here in Colorado, attracted by the light. One night, I was having some me time using porn on my phone. Problem was, all the other lights in my room were off. Right when I started to climax, one of those pesky moths flew to the light of my phone, only to be sucked into my mouth by a deep breath in! Let me tell you, nothing messes up an orgasm like a moth! I made sure to always leave at least one other light on whenever I masturbated after that.
So when I was about 13, I was over at my grandparents house watching Mythbusters while sitting on their massage chair. My lower back had been hurting, and the chair relieved the pain… abit too much. You can expect what happened after watching a whole marathon of myths for 2 hours nonstop. When I finally finished I had no idea what I experienced and thought I was dying. Grandmother then randomly walked into the room and found me flushed and sobbing. Could never watch Mythbusters the same way again.
Ah, butt stuff. The wariness us ladies feel about it is almost as strong as our male counterpart’s desire to try it. While there’s many a woman who has tried it and loved it, there’s plenty out there who are terrified to try it.
Before I gave it a try my first time, I read almost every tip article on the Internet but didn’t find myself more confident. So, I am writing the article I wish I would have read before deciding to give it the old college try. Gals who want to give it a go, this is for you.
1. Realize it actually isn’t going to hurt that bad.
The first and most important step is realizing that this isn’t going to be the worst pain you’ve ever felt in your life. It certainly doesn’t feel completely natural, especially the first time, but it honestly is not that bad. It becomes a lot less scary once you realize that.
2. Warm up to it, but only a reasonable amount.
A lot of articles recommend going from pinky to pointer finger to multiple fingers to toy etc. Realistically, you don’t need to do that much preparation. Giving a finger or two a try leading up to it certainly can’t hurt, but you don’t need to be stretching yourself out with a different thing every day.
3. You don’t need to “clean up” before.
Any article that suggests you should do an enema before or otherwise “clean” yourself out is ridiculous. It is your butt. There is supposed to be stuff in there. And regardless, pretty much nothing comes out. I’ve had anal many times and have never seen anything on him after. His junk isn’t going to be covered in shit, so stop thinking that.
4. And that said, you don’t need to be drunk, either.
If being drunk will make you feel infinitely more comfortable, go for it. But being sober and being able to, in a positive state of mind, let him know what does and doesn’t feel good, is a positive thing.
5. Decide what position you want to try before getting started.
Discuss with your partner what you want to try. I know being on top sounds horrific, but allowing yourself more control can be beneficial. Doggy or even missionary allows them more control over speed and depth. Whatever you want, discuss before.
6. Lay a sheet down – you probably won’t need it, but do it anyway.
I’ve never had any sort of mess, but of course, your butt is involved. There is always a small chance there could be a mess. Lay a sheet down to see how your body reacts. Chances are, nothing at all will be there and you won’t have to do it next time.
7. Use a lot of lube – but not too much.
Using lube will make everything much easier and much less painful. Using too much lube will result in a LOT of slipping that might be more painful than it actually going in. But some on him and some on you and see how it goes. You can always add more.
8. Start slow.
Unless you’re VERY antsy to get it over with, don’t have him just jackknife himself into you. Have him insert a finger or two, and then slowly work your way up. Have him start by thrusting slowly until you let him know when (or if) it is okay to go faster.
9. Remember…you’re not shitting on his dick. I promise.
You’re going to feel like you’re shitting the entire time, and you’re going to feel like you’re shitting after. You’re probably not. Don’t be anxious the entire time.
10. Try to stimulate yourself however you prefer.
There are many women who are able to get off from anal penetration, but many more who can’t. Use a vibrator or stimulate yourself with your fingers to let yourself enjoy it, too!
11. Get into it – no sex act is enjoyable if you’re just laying there tolerating it.
Maybe it hurts and maybe it doesn’t feel like much, but try moaning or dirty talking or getting into it however you prefer. It’ll make your partner (and you!) feel more comfortable.
12. Discuss cum maintenance before starting.
If you’re using a condom (which is recommended!), then you’re golden. If you’ve been with the same person forever and you feel confident in their sexual health and choose not to wear one, discuss what’s going to happen when he gets off. Regardless of if he’s going to pull out or if he’s going to cum inside of you, have something ready to clean up. You can’t get pregnant from anal, but you can get pregnant from dripping in afterward. Be diligent.
13. Realize it might not get you off.
Don’t expect to enjoy it. If you do, yay! If you don’t, that’s okay – sometimes we make sacrifices for our partners, and if it isn’t that bad, you can choose to do it again without getting off.
14. If you hate it, you don’t have to do it again.
Everything is worth trying once. If it is awful, embarrassing, painful or otherwise unenjoyable, don’t do it again. And if it hurts horribly while doing it, you don’t have to finish. Trying something is just that – trying it. If it doesn’t work out, there are plenty of other ways to have fun in the bedroom!
Trust me, I know putting something in your butt is scary, but I promise it isn’t as bad as it sounds! Give it a try and maybe add the booty to your sex rotation!
Twitter user @itssraych shared the story of her friend, Bridget, after she was complaining about a Tinder date she had gone on. Bridget said she had one to top it and, yeah, she really did.
Bridget said that her Tinder date had told her to wear a “black dress” for their surprise first date. But, it wasn’t to a restaurant or a movie—they went to a crematorium.
And, it wasn’t just a random day there, it was his grandmother’s funeral.
She felt bad leaving, so she stayed for the service.
She also found out that he and his girlfriend had broken up only a few weeks before, and he needed a “filler” for the funeral.
We’ve all been there. Drunk and spontaneous on New Year’s Eve, trying to do something special. But one too many drinks and an accidental proposal later, U.K. redditor u/Propermistakeregret needed legal advice and turned to the internet.
“Proposed to girlfriend whilst drunk on NYE night, can I cancel and get the ring back,” the viral post on popular subreddit LegalAdviceUK begins, before our hungover antihero dives into his night of regrets. He says he fell in love with a co-worker and bought the ring for her, and has been planning to break up with his girlfriend for a while. But now it’s too late: “It’s been posted on my friends Snapchat, my girlfriends Facebook page, everywhere. I saw people proposing so I wanted to go with the flow and proposed to my girlfriend whilst partially pissed. Can I get the ring back and cancel the engagement please?”
Though genuine legal advice was quick to follow, many Reddit users chose to point out the problems with u/propermistakeregrets’ decisions. Why was he dating two women at once? Who just decides to propose because everyone else is doing it?
One user pointed out that in the U.K., engagement rings are an “absolute gift,” which means that “unless some agreement, express or implied, was made when giving it” that it “would be returned if the marriage did not occur.” They even provided this very helpful link to a site for legal advice.
Another user agreed, telling u/propermistakeregret “You can break off the false engagement by being a real douche and telling her you’re actually seeing someone else and this was a mistake but the ring is hers to do as she wishes. I hope she sticks it where your sun doesn’t shine when you tell her.”
Only one user, Dusty-Pilgrim, gave him any leeway for having been inebriated. “If you were so drunk that you lacked legal capacity to make a gift then that could be grounds for getting it back,” they wrote. “Realistically, unless the ring cost a fortune, lawyers aren’t going to get involved and you will have to resolve this between you.”
Propermistakeregret didn’t actually seem to regret his decision all that much, as he spent most of his time in the comments complaining about the cost of the ring and the unfairness of the situation. He did not reply to a request for comment and the Daily Dot cannot independently verify his story.
He later considered stealing the ring back, apparently, though Reddit advised him not to: A user pointed to the first section of a 1968 law stating that “A person is guilty of theft if he dishonestly appropriates property belonging to another with the intention of permanently depriving the other of it.”
The top commenter on the thread hit the nail on the head. “Well, from a legal perspective you’re shit out of luck because a gift is a gift, even when given by a moron,” they wrote.
In the end, propermistakesregret did some soul-searching and came to a (likely terrible) decision. He is going to conceal his affair for the rest of his life and marry the woman he accidentally proposed to.
My MIL chose to have my Brother-in-laws funeral on my first wedding anniversary with her Son. She could have waited a week, but chose to punish me instead. She also wore purple at my wedding when the wedding party was told to exclusively wear pink, black or, silver. I’ll never understand.
After I married her son, she posted a bunch of my wedding pictures with nasty comments. Things like, “the cake, which no one ate,” “the whole family, plus the bride,” “this is the only picture of the original 6 (her and her kids) SERIOUSLY?!” She was also mad that my photographer didn’t know that she was my flower girl’s grandmother. She posted all of it publicly on Facebook.
My husband and I went to visit my MIL at her house. She had moved into my hubby’s old room and was showing us the changes she made. We sat on the bed to talk to her and, I kid you not, she said, “You know what I did in this bed? I masturbated.”
My MIL unfriended me on Facebook…twice! The first time I was pregnant with our first and her first grandchild and I was typical first time mom and by the book. I was worried about our cat smothering the baby (I know, dramatic) and asked if anyone could take him, even on a temporary basis until the baby could roll. She posted on Facebook that I was a horrible pet owner (went get into all the my husband and I have done for our pets) and I put her in her place by reminding her of that and that this was my first child and I didn’t know. She unfriended me and uninvited herself to the hospital to wait for the delivery. She came. The second unfriending is a lot juicier and, over a year and a half later, still in place.
Broke into my and my (now ex) husbands house by breaking the window above my toddlers toy box. Stole all the baby books and photos and dumped a can of coffee into our 60gal salt water fish tank.
She took my pellet stove fireplace, insisted she needed it for warmth and sold it for thousands of dollars and left a gaping hole in my house. Took a diamond ring of mine, told me she will give me money for it and never did. Exhusband cheated on me but she gave ME a religious video about how women must learn to forgive. WHAT.
Within the first 15 minutes of meeting my mother-in-law for the first time, she casually whipped out her boob and started to show me a strange mole she was concerned about. Then, she went into great detail about the vaginal mesh she had put in. Thankfully she didn’t try to whip that out to show me.
I was hosting Thanksgiving dinner and spent about seven to eight hours cooking. My MIL showed up with duplicate dishes of just about everything I made (we told her to only bring two dishes, tops). When I commented that we had a lot more food than I was expecting, she said “Well, we don’t really need to put yours out, do we? Just put yours in the freezer.”
-Melissa Linton Ferrell, Facebook
10.
My MIL keeps in regular contact with several of my husband’s exes through Facebook and will call them with updates, despite him telling her to stop. She even tried to reunite my husband with one particular ex who had cheated on him.
On the way out the door to go to the rehearsal dinner for my wedding, my MIL patted my stomach and asked if there was “something I wanted to let everyone know” about why we were getting married, implying I looked pregnant.
When asked how my husband was, where he works, etc., I overheard my MIL say, “Yes, Matthew met his wife and gave up all his dreams.” I wish I could make this stuff up.
My MIL told me in front of my own mother that I needed to have sex with her son seven days a week and I need to have an orgasm at least five days a week in order to get pregnant.
At my sister-in-law’s wedding, my 3-month-old son was having a really hard week. He started teething, got his second round of shots, and had a horrible allergic reaction to cradle cap shampoo. A midwife friend of mine was able to take him during the ceremony because I was a bridesmaid. She was finally able to calm him down by singing. After the wedding, my MIL walked up to us as I was taking my son back and said, “She’s a lot better at this than you are.”
When my husband and I were going through the home-buying process, we found out that my MIL had a credit card in my husband’s name that she opened when he was 18. When we confronted her about it (because it had a $3000 balance) she lied and said it was his debt from college that she was graciously paying off to help him out. I looked online at the statements and the previous purchases that were from boutiques in her home town. She also told me she wasn’t sure how the whole ordeal affected me at all considering it was in his name and not mine. It very easily could have kept us from getting a loan to buy a house. I don’t trust her at all!!
My MIL and i get along fine but a few years ago she gave me salmonella by giving me a piece of mostly raw chicken. I guess i should have looked at it before i ate but anyways it made breastfeeding my 4 month old very difficult because i had diarrhea and was vomitting simultaneously and was super dehydrated. I never said anything to her and asked my husband not to say anything either, safe to say I cut into everything she makes first before biting into it now.
She came to visit in the hospital after my long, difficult c-section. Though she was fully healed from a surgery a few months before, she insisted my husband fetch her from the entrance and bring her to the room in a wheelchair. She then propped her dirty street shoes on my clean, sterile hospital bed and proceeded to talk so loudly the nurse couldn’t properly run my baby’s hearing test. When the nurse asked her to talk more quietly she snapped at the nurse. When my husband finally told her it was time to let me get some rest, she said, “I’m sorry, is this all about you?” I lost it and yelled “it is about us and our new baby!” My blood pressure spiked so high the alarm went off and nurses had to come and ask dear MIL to leave. She later wanted an apology. She never got it.
After I had my son all I wanted was a beer. I wasn’t nursing or anything. My husband took a picture of me enjoying the beer and holding my son and she replies to the picture saying mother of the year. I literally wanted to hit her.
I have been married to my husband for 6 years, together for 8 years. My MIL has never remembered my birthday. After I had my baby( her grandson) she came over to meet him she asked me “ are you sure their isn’t another baby in there? You still look pregnant” she’s horrible!
I was in the hospital having my third baby in under 4 years. My mother in law proceeded to attempt to re decorate my house. She brought art from her house and hung it on my walls and removed some of my art that I had hanging. I came home with a newborn to see her thrift store crap hanging on my walls. I was furious.
The first time I met the mother in law she turned to my boyfriend (now husband) and said “I’ve just been the the lawyer to put the house in a family trust so certain people can’t get their hands on it.” She said this whilst glaring in my direction. It was more hilarious than hurtful, TBH. Petty cow.
We all have those stories where our parents, who are behind the times, mistake modern technological items for something else. Like, how many times have your parents seen a new piece of technology and thought it was something dirty and foul? Maybe they haven’t, but I sure know that my mom has mistaken some back massagers for some other dirty items (swear, they were clean).
One Reddit user, u/i_love-lamp, shared the recent story of his mother-in-law coming into his house and trying to get him into some big trouble over the holidays. The story involves a fish tank, a fish gravel vacuum, and a very annoying mother-in-law. Apparently, this woman is the kind who loves gossip and spreading rumors about people. According to u/i_love-lamp, she shows up unannounced and often times just lets herself into their home—obviously, that’s annoying.
We all make mistakes when we’re running out to work, exhausted, and just trying to make it through the day. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve worn two different socks because I’m half asleep and struggling to get out on time. For many of us, wearing the wrong thing is as simple as “oops, these pants definitely don’t match this shirt.” But, for one woman, her wardrobe mistake was quite embarrassing when she accidentally wore singing underwear to work.
Lisa shared the story on Twitter of how at work in a dentist office, she wore a pair of underwear her ex-boyfriend, Adam, had given her years ago—not knowing they were “musical panties.”
Lisa said that the music played right out of her crotch—when her patient’s head was only inches away.
Embarrassed, she tried to blame it on her phone ringing—but, let’s be real, she definitely felt it.
She decided to completely get rid of the underwear altogether, to prevent any further “mistakes.”
Could you imagine?!?
She decided to share the hilarious story on Twitter because don’t we all love embarrassing ourselves online?
She also shared that she and Adam had broken up years ago, but threw the underwear on because—well, it’s a pair of underwear.
And, she explained she had no idea that the underwear was “singing panties” because they look like completely normal underwear.
Here’s what they look like:
Honestly, this has to be the funniest “accidental” mix-up there is. We hope Lisa threw those panties away for good.
There’s nothing like the holiday season to put you in a sentimental and nostalgic mood. Many of us look back on the people we truly care about and wonder if they’re happy and how they are spending their holidays this year—especially our exes. While we all want to reach out and wish them a Happy and Healthy Holidays we know better. It really is like beating a dead horse. Texting one ex is one thing—but, texting all of them in a group chat, well that takes serious guts.
One man, named Tom, decided that for Christmas, he would wish all of his exes a Merry Ex-Mas by creating a group text with all of them in it. Tom claimed that this year he was “lonely” and wanted to remind them all he was still in existence. As you can imagine, it backfired.
Gemma seemed to be over it. Bella definitely didn’t want to be here. And Lisa, well Lisa had no time for Tom’s crap.
Steph decided to speak up after Bella tried to drag Tom for sleeping with her while they were together. Let the games begin!
Obviously, the ladies weren’t into it.
But, Gemma was down for the humor and decided that if Tom could be such a good sport, she’s down to grab a drink with him for the holidays.
So, while it backfired a bit—it turns out, Tom was truly winning in this idea.
