Here are 25 Things All Bartenders Are Tired Of Hearing.
1. “I want something fruity, but like, I want it to be strong,
but I don’t wanna taste the alcohol.”
Ohhhh, you must be freshly 21. A couple more Sex on the Beaches and you won’t taste, see, or feel anything anyway, except maybe the cold ceramic toilet later.
2. “Keep the change!”
*Opens checkbook to find .66 cents on a $45 dollar tab*
Thanks buddy, but I couldn’t even buy a Polar Pop with that. You keep it, you need it more than me apparently.
3. “You’re seriously, like the best bartender I have ever met!”
*Opens another checkbook to find a $0 dollar tip…*
Gee thanks… your compliment is totallyyyyy gonna keep my electricity on and buy groceries this week.
4. “I’ll get… *proceeds to shout out 15 drink orders*.”
Yeah, remembering all 15 DIFFERENT drinks is not the highlight of my night, and neither is when you want to pay for them all separately.
5. “You’re gonna get a HUGE tip!”
That’s a damn lie and we both know it. The ones who brag about tipping generously are generally the worst tippers.
6. “How much is… *insert expensive liquor*
Bro, I am already in the weeds. There are 8 people waiting at the bar, and you’ve asked the price of almost every bottle in my entire bar. I don’t have everything memorized, like I fucking know off top of my head??
7. “Can I still get happy hour price, I swear I showed up before it ended.”
No, you didn’t, you lying ass. You can’t show up an hour after happy hour ends, and still get $4 KJ chardonnays, this isn’t Applebees Barbra.
8. “I’ll be ready for another one in probably 4 or 5 minutes, can you come back then?”
Of course, why not? It’s not like I’m doing a million things as it is, you’re clearly more important, so I’ll be sure to cue my internal alarm clock to remember you’ll be ready in 4 minutes. Sike, you’ll get it when I’m able to get it to you.
9. “Are you sure there is alcohol in this? It doesn’t taste like it.”
Are you sure you’re not blind? Because I just poured your drink IN FRONT of you, and you know that there is alcohol in it. So fuck off, you’re just trying to get more liquor for free.
10. “You should try *insert condescending advice*”
I know what I am doing. I’ve been doing this for a long time. I don’t come into the gym and tell you how to workout do I? Stop telling me how to do my job, I got this Brad.
11. “You’d be prettier if you smiled more.”
Listen sir, thanks for the backassward compliment, but I’m already a 12 on a scale 1 to 10 bitch, I don’t need to be prettier, so how about you stop telling me what to do, and mind your business.
12. “I can get it myself.”
Just stop! Stop reaching over my bar to refill your water, grab a beverage napkin, or a straw. I can handle getting those things for you from MY side of the bar. Now I have to clean up the water YOU spilled, the 30 straws you slung everywhere for ONE straw, and now I have no napkins because you clearly needed 900 napkins to sit your water on.
13. “What’s on draft?”
The draft list is LITERALLY in front of you dumbass…Pick it up, and read the damn thing.
14. “Can you turn up the music/change the song?”
Yeah sure, it’s not a busy Friday night, it’s clearly not louder than an ACDC concert in here, and I’m clearly not in the middle of making drinks. I’ll drop everything and get right on that. Not.
15. “Can I just have a little taste of *insert expensive bourbon* to see if I like it?”
Sure. You’ve already asked to taste 10 different ones, and then settled on a Budlight…
16. “I’m so drunk/had a lot before I got here.”
Yeah, cool story bro, you’re bragging about being so ‘LIT’ and you’re on my nerves, so you’re cut off. You’re welcome.
17. “Make it good and strong.”
Listen, Imma give you the standard pour amount as everyone else gets, unless you wanna order a double, which your cheap ass won’t.
18. “The drinks are soooo expensive, give me a tall since I’ll get more liquor.”
Sorry to crush your dreams my guy, but a tall doesn’t equal more liquor, it just means more soda or juice.
19. “Barkeep/ Sweetie/ Babe/ Doll!”
Oh, are you talking to me? Were you trying to summon me? I have a name…which I have told you every time you’ve asked, which has been 97 times already.
20. “Yoooooo, hey, hello?”
Uh yeah, I see you dude. I AM BUSY. You’re not the only one in the bar, and aggressively banging your empty glass on the bar is only going to piss me off. Keep doing it, and Imma go full 50 Shades of Petty, and you’ll get your drink last.
21. “I have been waiting forever for a drink.”
And so has everyone else. There is only one of me and there are 50 of you self entitled assholes. Yeah, I saw you wildly waving your $20 dollar bill, how could I miss it? And if you snap your fingers at me one more time, I pinky promise, I WILL shove that $20 down your throat.
22. “Can you put *insert sports channel*/change the channel?”
Sure, it’s dinner rush, the bar is packed, the server drink tickets at the well are longer than the Nile River, but you want me to immediately stop the 20 million things I have going on, and your impatient ass doesn’t even know what the channel is!
23. “I’m a regular, hook me up.”
You ain’t shit, and you don’t get free shit because you’re a “regular” bro. And you tipping me extra doesn’t change the fact that me giving you free shit is like me stealing from the company, and putting me at the risk of being fired.
24. “Surprise me.”
Cool, ‘cause I’m a mind reader and I know exactly what you like and usually drink.
25. “I know the owner.”
Yeah, what a coincidence, so do I….do you want a fucking gold star?
About The Author
Kayla Leanne Goss. Just a 30 year old small town girl, trying to navigate this rollercoaster we call life, writing about relatable shit that WE ALL go through and struggle with daily.
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