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Happy Fathers Day To The Absent Father Who Made Me Stronger.

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For those of us who have an absent father. A dad that is alive but was never really there for use Fathers Day is not an exciting time of year. I actually get a lot of anxiety about this day. It is not my intention to hurt anyone else feelings but the truth is, Fathers Day brings up a lot of painful memories. 

 

As I stand here in Target in the middle of the card isle looking through the cards, I am looking for a very simple Happy Fathers Day. However, as I read through them I start to feel a little sad. One card says, thank you dad for always being there. In my mind I am thinking about all the times that you werent there. All the times when I was little and really did not even know who you where. 

 

 

I am transfixed right there. I see the nights that you were drinking and decided going to a buddys house was more important then spending time with me.

 

Or when you were drinking and you where fighting with everyone in the house. It was so loud that most nights It was hard to go to sleep. Then there were the nights that you would call the house that I was staying at until three or four in the morning because you where drinking. In these moments it was very apparent that your feelings about how life was going meant much more than what was best for me. 

 

When we first started talking again, I thought these where things that I could get past. That I would be able to forgive. I thought that we were going to have a different relationship. I thought that now because I am an adult that I would not need you the way that I did anymore and so things would be different. Then I found myself in need of your help. I came to you like I was always told that I could and you told me you just couldnt do anything to help me. The literal answer was, well you are an adult now so you should be able to figure this out. 

 

I was heartbroken, yes I figured it out, but in this moment I knew that I was on my own.

 

 

I would never be able to just go to my dad and ask for his help. So durning this Fathers day I am looking for a new relationship. One with a lot lower expectations than I have had pervious. I almost feel like I need to have no expectations for the relationship. It is not for lack of hope for a relationship. I just think our relationship will not be the same as a normal father daughter relationship will be. 

 

 

I will also say that our relationship has taught me some hard life lessons. No, maybe I should not have had to learn them as earl in life or through our relationship. However, one of the biggest things that Have learned is how to be strong and independent. As well as, how I will raise my children. No, I cannot guarantee that the person I choose to be their father will never disappoint them. However, I as their mother will be able to say. I am here and show them that I am here no matter what. I will be gladly do what I can to help them through life. 

 

So, thank you. Thank you for showing me that I do have the strength and the will power to keep going no matter what. That yes, I can figure it out on my own even though I should not have had too. I am strong for the lack of relationship that we have had. I also know that this is not the relationship that I will have with my own children. Instead I will break the cycle!


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