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LOL! Enjoy Your Salad, I’ll Keep Eating Junk Food and Not Feel Bad About It

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Kale is all the rage nowadays. But kale is also pretention vegetable-fied. I’ll stick with my Baconator, thanks.

Does fast food make you gain weight like crazy? Sure it does. But there’s nothing like the warmth and sogginess of McDonald’s fries to end a crazy drunken night — or a Tuesday.

I’m sick and tired of these women who walk down the street practically emaciated, refusing to allow themselves the pleasure of that succulent burger or that creamy mac and cheese. Who are you really trying to impress?

Let me tell you something: Junk food is pretty f*ckin’ awesome. It’s what makes Valentine’s Day slightly more bearable. Or if you’re into that lovey dovey crap, you can eat chocolate with your S.O., and it’s magical.

And what about the Super Bowl — or really any sporting event for that matter? Who ever heard of someone eating a Greek salad while watching football? Pizza and beer, b*tches. Get it together. Your BF will thank you.

If I really cared about my eating habits, I’d go to the gym (*save for hysterical laughter*).

If I live to be 87 (if I haven’t already died of a heart attack at 30), I’m not going to regret eating terribly. I’m going to be happy because many of the times I ate crap were great times. Many of those moments were bonding experiences during a girls’ night or consoling my BFF when her scumbag boyfriend dumped her.

And yes, I’ll eat the occasional salad because, whether I like it or not, veggies are good for me. And I really don’t want to die of a heart attack at 30. But the reason I have a bad diet isn’t to spite those who have healthy diets. I eat junk because it makes me feel good. I’m not insecure about what my friends, my parents or “society” will say.

Being someone who works in media, I really couldn’t care less what Cosmo has to say about how I should look or eat. It’s up to me to determine how I take care of myself.

Plus, I’m 23, and my metabolism is a lot faster now than it will be in about five years. So why not take advantage?

In the words of Ron Swanson: “The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.”


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