The anxiety is already looming over me when I put the address into google maps. The phone will guide me with as much ease as a computer can, she’ll tell me every turn to make, when to switch lanes and prepare to exit a highway but none of that will stop the anxiety from fueling the circling thoughts in my mind. I know I’ll be okay, it’s just the build-up before even stepping foot in my car that paralyzes me.
And the thought of walking into a restaurant alone terrifies me. Absolutely leaves me in shambles. Will there be a hostess who will immediately show me to the table? What if there is no one there and I have to stand there awkwardly and wait? What if there are no seats at the bar? Then what do I do? I don’t know if you want to wait for a seat to open or choose another place?
When my social anxiety takes over, I lose trust in my own decisions. I don’t think that what I want is going to make you happy. I end up telling myself you’re just going to regret asking me to hang out, that I’m too much of a burden to keep around, that I can’t even walk into a restaurant without panicking.