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10 Secrets Teachers Won’t Tell You

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The title is itself a contradiction because here I am in fact, a teacher, to tell you some secrets.

When I was a little kid, I was sure that teachers were wheeled into their closets on the weekend rendered useless until again the room was filled will children. I didn’t realize that teachers were in fact living breathing humans. Amazing. Here are some things that happen that we don’t necessarily want you to know…

  1. We eat in the same seats at lunch, just like the kids. Much like the high school clichés we hated when we were actually in high school, teachers continue to be stagnant in this regard. We’ll sit at the same table with the same people. We have best buds and people we don’t like. High school drama all the way.

  2. We have to pretend to be shocked and dismayed when students pick up on weird eccentricities of our colleagues. We totally know Mrs. So and So is a weirdo. We think she’s boring and needs to rethink her make up, too. However, we can’t break the teacher code and agree with the kids, so we play stupid and say, “Let’s get back to work, people” instead.

  3. I don’t want to see you in public. Seriously. The last faces I want to see on my time off are yours. Maybe that sounds mean, but I don’t need you taking Instagram pictures of me on the sly while I’m on a date. I don’t need you to ring up my groceries that may or may not include feminine hygiene supplies or acne medication. I just want to be left alone…especially if I’m in a bathing suit or at a bar. 

  4. Sometimes, we send annoying kids to the guidance office. That sealed envelope kids are carrying to a guidance counselor may in fact say, “Help, help! This kid is driving me up a wall. I can’t slap him without losing my teaching certificate and I need him to be where I’m not.” (Or something to that effect…) Guidance counselors have something we lowly teachers do not have, a waiting room.

  5. If you have BO I’ll send you to the nurse and tell you they need to check your vision. Kids are routinely called to the nurse to update files. No one thinks twice about it. Sending you with a raging case of body odor will be message enough for them to give you the Hygiene Lecture.

  6. When I say I need to step out and speak with a teacher it means I have to go to the bathroom. Bad. As a little kid, I thought teachers had super human bladders. I never saw them go. As a teacher, I can tell you that a four minute passing period between classes is not enough time to gather up my laptop, talk to students who are slacking, move to the next classroom on a different floor in another wing and make it to the one stall designated for 300 women in a ladies’ room in a galaxy far, far away.

  7. I have favorites. Don’t act so shocked, so do you. People by nature prefer other people in varying degrees. It’s true. This is why sometimes I write on the board a minute longer than necessary. I need to roll my eyes.

  8. We love snow days too. Any teacher who says they haven’t slept in their pajamas inside out and flushed a few ice cubes to provoke the Snow Day gods is lying. We text our teacher friends in group messages and pray for school to close. We want to sleep in and go to the mall too.

  9. We hate when you think you fooled us. We know you missed class because you were hung over. The whole line about the sick grandmother doesn’t work. Now I think you’re a liar AND a jerk.

  10. We think the dean is an idiot, too. We just can’t tell you.

Oops. I just did.


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