A good tweet is an art form. Some people use their twitter accounts to document their daily latte designs (and truly, we don’t care about those tweeters unless they are famous people. I am very interested in seeing celebrity lattes). But, then there are those creative geniuses who have found a way to make us laugh in 140 characters or less.
Here are a few of my ultimate faves from 2014.
Making fun of old people is always fun…
@Tmoney68 @AndyAsAdjective It’s so hard to laugh anymore with the #chemtrails epidemic, but that tweet was funny! “8 mi with my blinker on”
— #CHEMTRAILS R POISON (@MarkTwainRocks) May 16, 2014
So true, Mindy. So true.
I asked the writers if we could sing Popeye the Sailor Man instead of Happy Birthday from now on because I think it sounds more celebratory
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) August 26, 2014
On being an awesome parent…
*hears daughter singing like an angel in bed* *turns up the television*
— Root Beer (@MrNickJC) May 24, 2014
He’s right. Beach balls are the worst.
How about a colorful striped ball that you can’t play any games with? – Pitch for beach ball
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) July 4, 2014
Hating on healthy people…
Thanks for bringing that quinoa salad to the office potluck. Everyone hates you.
— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) August 11, 2014
This.
When someone calls me pretentious, the white gloves come off.
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 21, 2014
I’ve got two tickets to paradise. Actually, I’ve only got one ticket. And it’s not to paradise. Ok, I’ve got a coupon for a free frogurt.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) November 15, 2014
If you’re a parent, follow @HonestToddler. Each tweet is written from a toddlers perspective. Hilarious (and each one truer than I’d like to admit).
It’s strange hearing “You need to wash your hands” from someone who hasn’t showered in two days.
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) December 12, 2013
They call it “naptime” because “toddler screams in bed while parent catches up on DVR and eats their snacks” was too long.
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) April 9, 2014
We’re going to Target for paper towels. See you in three hundred dollars.
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) March 27, 2014
She changed out of her pajamas and febreezed the house. Daddy should be home soon.
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) January 17, 2014
More hating on quinoa…
Don’t say you love someone then six hours later make quinoa.
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) February 11, 2013
And now, let’s camp out at Kelly Oxford’s twitter account for a while, because she’s the twitter queen.
Is it cardio if you try on a bikini and have a panic attack for 20 minutes?
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) October 8, 2013
A hobo just hit on me and I stopped to listen to what he had to say. So, that’s how I’m doing.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) March 6, 2014
This comes from a good place in my heart; homeless people build the best forts I’ve ever seen.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) January 17, 2014
Tweeting “Unfollow” is like crashing a party you weren’t invited to, then announcing you’re leaving when no one even knew you were there.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) August 26, 2014
Me: Goodnight. I love you bigger than the city of Los Angeles & every person in it lined up holding hands. My youngest kid: Holy crap.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 11, 2014
The loudest drunks are groups of sober teenage girls.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) April 17, 2014
Ellen. Yes.
Why’s the “Reply All” button right next to “Reply”? “Reply” should be at the top of your email, & “Reply All” should be in another building.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) November 14, 2014
He’s right.
The only difference between riding a tandem bike with your 8 yr old and dragging a dead body is nothing.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 1, 2014
Yes, that was a bad day for me.
Bad day for hypochondriacs. Cable news keeps showing Ebola symptoms.
— Alex Pappas (@AlexPappas) July 28, 2014
There’s gotta be a few seconds during a bear attack where the bear is huggin you and you’re just like “aww.”
— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) October 27, 2014
I like you so much, Anna Kendrick
I’m so humble it’s crazy. I’m like the Kanye West of humility.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) November 4, 2014
On true love.
You know it’s love when you’re not to embarrassed to give him your REAL Starbucks order
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) November 5, 2014
Wish I had the confidence of the woman who boldly admits they’re the Miranda of their crew.
— Jessica Biel (@JessicaBiel) September 20, 2014
Yes!
I want an apology from the person who started sorry not sorry
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) November 27, 2014
