I know most of the world doesn’t agree with me on this, but for the few of you out there who have been personally victimized by pickles, nothing will ring more true to you that what I’m about to say:
Pickles are nasty, evil, miserable items that should be completely eliminated from existence.
I say this now because, as has happened any number of times before, I sat down to lunch earlier and ordered my meal very specifically: I ordered a cheeseburger and said, as I always say, “If you could hold the pickle please, I’d appreciate it.” And, as is usual, the plate came complete with the pickle on the side, and I immediate had to go into emergency rescue mode. Of course, it was no use: at least 10 French Fries were already dead on arrival, and I had to peel off a now soggy edge of an otherwise perfect bun that was no longer edible.
I swear to God, I feel fucking traumatized.
It’s not necessarily the pickles themselves (although believe me, I could happily live without them), but it’s the pickle juice that creates such havoc. This potent, powerful taste infects everything it touches, leaving a trail of food wreckage in its path. Nothing, no matter how tasty, can withstand even a single drop of pickle juice contamination.
And there are no vaccines – no way to stop the infection. Once the pickle is on the plate, the juice gets flowing and it will destroy. All you can do at that point is collect the dead and waste a few dozen napkins trying to soak up any remaining drops that may still be trying to seep into as-yet-untouched and still edible food.
It’s power goes beyond just sheer food destruction, too. Like any evil genius, the pickle has found a way to brainwash people and turn them into mindless robots. That’s the reason why waiters and waitresses can’t get themselves to leave the damn things off your plate, even when you specifically ask them to. That’s the reason why people, when you tell them you don’t like pickles, look at your with the kind of shocked horror usually reserved for people who torture kittens, and exclaim, “How can you not like pickles?!?”
One day, someone will run for president on an anti-pickle platform, and I will vote for that person.
I’m done now. Down with the pickle!
