My competitive drive has always been extreme. Another defining moment in my life was how I learned to read.
One day when I was in kindergarten, I came home and told my mom that I wanted to learn how to read. She said that I would learn in first grade and tried to brush me off. I was insistent that I learned how to read “now.” So my mom approached my kindergarten teacher to figure out the best way for me to get started.
Even then, I had this domineering quality about me that did not want to wait for anything. If I wanted something, I wanted it now. I wanted the pleasure of instant gratification. Waiting was never an option for me when it came to my desires. I think that is one of the most insidious things that people don’t always get about addiction. It is this indefatigable desire to get something now, to cure your uncomfortableness now.
You don’t necessarily think about consequences or ramifications of instant relief. That is honestly way too far in the future to even fathom in the throes of addiction.