When someone looks at me, I look happy.
I get out of bed and put on the smile to show the world that I have got this. And I am not scared of what is coming my way. I have got it all together. Because I am happy. Life is good. These are the things that I tell myself anyway. I tell myself that I look happy, like nothing in the world is wrong.
Inside, I am battling. My mind is at war every day. I am worried about what the future will hold. Will we make it through the month? And will the car make it until I can afford to get a new one? Will I be able to make it through the hard times? What is going to happen? These are the consistent questions that I deal with. This causes a spiral of things to happen.
First I start getting irritated. Severely irritated with the people around me. To strangers I can be super nice. To my friends and family I am mean. I am doing everything I can to push these people away from me. Because in my head I am a terrible person who just needs to be alone. By the end of the night I find myself in bed alone. Feeling pretty numb. My mind still spinning with thoughts. Worries of the past present a future.