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I write about what I know, and what I know is that words hurt

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I have been on a weight loss journey since January of 2019. I started my journey because I was tired of the fat shaming from others (which is a real thing) and the fat shaming and self-hatred I felt inside of myself. As my journey continued, it transformed into something more than just a journey about losing weight. It became a journey about finding myself. There were many layers that were unraveling. A lot of it was extremely emotional. I cried a lot, I kept to myself a lot, I reached out when I needed to reach out. Plain and simple, I was a hot mess. There were a lot of emotions and a lot of feelings that I kept inside of me for so many years that they had became part of how I identified with myself.

I am someone who values my worth based on others thoughts and feelings and words towards me and it is exhausting. I was never one to think I was a good person because I thought I was a good person, I only thought that because of words said by others. For many years (many wasted years),  the amount of love that I had for myself was nonexistent. (It still is, a work in progress). The reason for that was because of words. Words hurt. They take just a few seconds to come out of your mouth, yet the impact, positive or negative can have lasting effects.

Middle school years were three of the worst years of my life. I cried every single day because girls were mean.  I kept my issues and my problems to myself. I never allowed anyone into that part of my life. I sucked it up and just kept on moving. I cried, wiped my tears and pretending that everything was okay. There were times during that time where I contemplated on many occasions hurting myself. I did not think that I would be missed if something happened to me. Also the thought of dealing with the constant bullying and mean words was worse than what was in my head. I will admit, I did “try” a few times. As a grown 34 year old woman, I am so glad that I did not try for real.

Alongside my weight loss journey, I have been trying to focus on my mental health journey. I bought so many self-help books (still never read), so many self-care journals, never opened. The initial step is the hardest step to do. I decided to do a different approach the other day & I had a reiki session. I had no idea what to accept, what was going to happen, nothing. After the session was over, we talked about the findings. Out of everything that was said, she talked about how I have closed myself off a lot in terms of self-love and healing because of words that were said that hurt me. Instantly 20+ years of emotions flooded my mind. I was 11-13 years old again and all those mean words and all those tears and all those feelings were fresh.

The next night I had a dream. I was with people from middle school & high school. There was a guy reading things from my yearbook that people had written to me & everyone was laughing saying how untrue all those things were.  People only said nice things because they felt sorry for me.

The pivotal part of the dream was when I saw one the girl who was the biggest mean girl to me and a bunch of her friends.  I completely went off on her and started screaming and telling her how horrible she treated me and made me feel; how because of her I cried every single day & had thoughts about hurting myself because of how I was treated.  I am not a yeller, I keep majority of my feelings if someone hurt them to myself. However, being able to tell her how I felt about 20+ years(even if it was only a dream) was so therapeutic. I woke up sad, and not because of the dream, but because I let all those years pass. Because I allowed those people to take up so much space in my heart. I allowed their hurtful words define me within myself.

When I woke up that morning and decided that they were done invading my mind and my heart. I grew up to a be a good human being. And I treat people the right way, I am kind and considerate. And I am a good friend. I am a good person.

 

About The Author

My name is Chrissie. I live in New Jersey and I am 34 years old. And I come from a big Middle Eastern family. I am the oldest of 5 kids. In my spare time, I love to read and bake. And I like going to the gym and spending time with my niece Ava and our dog Stitch. You can find me on tumbler

 


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