I go through actions every day but I don’t feel like I am actually living. It is like it is a blur. I go to class and keep up relationships because I feel like I have to. I eat because I feel like I have no other choice. It is like my body goes through action but my mind is empty, I am emotionless.
I smile because I feel like I should.
The most emotion I feel is crying myself to sleep at night or the daily frustration at myself for all these feelings. Every day I get mentally drained from going through the day trying to act okay and trying to get past the demons that are in my mind.
Sometimes I want to reach out to people and explain my actions. The days I cancel plans isn’t because you aren’t a priority it is because I physically and mentally can’t leave my bed. The days I don’t reply to you, don’t take it personally, I just don’t have the strength to try that day. It’s not that I don’t care about you, it is that I don’t care about myself.
I know you may not understand that, but I need you to. You don’t see the demons inside my head, draining every ounce of energy from me.
Every day I question what my purpose is, why am I here if life is going to be this hard. I start to feel like a burden because I see how my depression is affecting other people. Sometimes, I wish they could see the demons in my head so they would understand. Other days, I would rather go unnoticed.
I am not “sad”, I am numbed to my core and done putting effort into a life that I don’t even know if is worth living.