Guarding
It’s perpetually guarding your heart. And refusing to let others in to see your scarred beauty because you fear if you express your truth, they will leave. It’s always being prepared for goodbyes but feeling irreparably shattered when others walk away. And it’s blaming your wavering openness for your loved ones’ absence in your life.
Distancing
It’s slowly distancing yourself from friends and family because you’re afraid you’ve revealed too much to them, so now, in the wake of your anxiety, you feel like you have to leave them. It’s justifying your decision to relinquish your relationships by convincing yourself that they wouldn’t miss you anyway, but secretly wishing they’ll come running back to you, wondering where you’ve been.
Excusing
It’s constantly having excuses at the ready for leaving the party early, as the sights, sounds, and voices blur together, overloading your senses. And it’s feebly mentioning you feel sick and wondering if everyone can see right through your words. It’s knowing in your heart that you are mentally ill. And wishing you could disclose your mental illness with the same ease at which you express your mounting nausea — without fear of judgment.