“I apologize for my absence. There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” – Laurell K. Hamilton
I know I’ve made it nearly impossible for you to get close to me lately, and I also know that you’ve tried your hardest to support me through my struggles. The thing is, my depression takes a life of its own, it suffocates my mind and all I want to do is pull away from my friends and shut down. Please believe me, I feel terribly sorry for pushing away the people that I love, so I hope you know that I don’t do it consciously, it’s actually very confusing and painful thing to do because I don’t have control over it.
1. I’m aware that my depression makes me behave like someone you barely know.
Trust me, I barely know myself when I’m depressed and I hate the feeling. It’s so overpowering, it takes away most of my energy and turns me into a shell of a person. When it takes over, I feel low, sad and irritated and I can barely focus. I think part of the reason I seclude myself is because I feel shame about my state. I don’t want the people I care about to see me down. It’s hard to recognize myself when I’m depressed, so putting myself out there adds to the overall feelings of inadequacy and shame.
2. Believe it or not, I miss you all when I isolate myself.
I feel that I’m missing out on so much and what I want the most is to feel like myself, so I can be the best friend that I can be to all of you. For the most part, my depression makes me feel like a burden when I’m trying to hide it around you. I feel worthless like I have nothing to offer and in all honesty, the last thing I want to do is hurt or bring my friends down.