Where do I begin? I feel as though there are not enough words I can write to truly express all of the emotions that consume me on a regular basis knowing that you are gone. There are so many words I wish I could say to you, so many calls I wish I could make, so many moments I look at, wondering if you are somewhere off in a distant place watching me with pride.
The way in which you left this world was too abrupt. I wasn’t given the proper time to tell you everything I wanted to say. And I wish I could look you in the eyes and tell you how much you truly mean to me, how much I need you in my life, how big of an impact you’ve had on me. I look back at our time spent together, knowing that I could have done more to be better—to do better, to be better to you and for you.
There are so many conversations I want to take back—how I wish I could rewind time and take the cruel insults I slurred at you in haste and anger back and swallow them whole. I feel like a beast—a demon—for speaking to you so cruelly. And I wish I had known then, what I know now—you never know when a word spoken can be the last.
I wonder so often if you are angry at me. And I wonder so often if you are at peace. I wonder so often if you are looking down on me, missing me, cheering me on, loving me from afar.