All realists know one thing: second rate philosophy is stupid and pointless. Is the glass of water half full? Or half empty? Well, that depends: did you just pour the water into the glass? Then it’s half full. Did you just drink some of the water? Then it’s half empty. It’s just a glass of water! Simple as that.
There are pessimists, and there are optimists, and then there’s the rest of us: people who fall somewhere in-between those generalizations who just recognize the truth behind the hackneyed cliche’s all optimists love:
1. “You’re a true survivor.”
People preach about how strong we are in the face of loss or adversity, when really they just have no idea what else to say. I’m a survivor, you say? Shut the hell up – we’re ALL survivors.
2. “That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
Oh, please…we do what we have to do to get by. Maybe we learned something which in turn made us wiser, but it certainly didn’t make us stronger! If anything, we’re probably more anxious and fearful of what could possibly be coming next.
3. “God only gives you as much as you can handle”
Really? So the master of our spiritual universe thinks we can handle getting mugged after leaving the doctors office, where we’ve learned we have some rare disease after spending our last two hundred bucks because we have no health insurance, only to come home to an eviction notice with whatever stuff we own laid out in the street? Thanks, God, for having so much faith in us. Keep it coming if you think we can “handle it.”
4. “There are plenty more fish in the sea.”
Exactly what body of water are they referring to? It’s certainly not the Atlantic, Pacific or Indian oceans. We’ve searched the Nile, the Mediterranean, the Caribbean and even the Dead Sea…nothing’s biting. Got any tips on bait?
5. “Money can’t buy happiness.”
Horseshit. We’re so much happier when the bills are paid. Money buys comfort which in turn makes us happy.
6. “Good things come to those who wait.”
We’ve been patiently waiting to win the lottery and meet the perfect mate. Cut the crap…reality is, good things come to those who get up off their asses and make shit happen.
7. “All good things must come to an end.”
So what the hell did I do all that waiting for? And does this mean the bad stuff’s going to last forever?
8. “This, too, shall pass.”
Yeah, so does gas.
9. “When one door closes, another one opens.”
How can you be so sure? All of the doors might be locked and we might not be able to find the keys.
10. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”
Great, we’re allergic to citrus.
