It used to be said that “father knew best” and, if your dad happens to be a smart, kind, well-adjusted man who nurtured and supported you during your formative years, this may be true.
If, on the other hand, your male parental unit is reminiscent of Homer Simpson…or Rumpelstilltskin (Once Upon a Time) you might not have the greatest opinion of him. Contrary to popular believe, respect must be earned, even from children and when a parent fails to remember this, the results are usually tragic.
While fractured families come in many forms, and have a myriad of contributing factors, one of the biggest stems from people who shouldn’t be parents, insisting on doing so anyway, and while the list of “anti-parents” is probably divided evenly between mothers and fathers, let’s just talk about the fathers; specifically, those who are shining examples of what not to look for in a father figure:
- The emperor of la-la land: This guy has created a world of his own so complete, he no longer has any contact with reality. He has been in his children’s lives since the beginning (hopefully) and yet, he is unaware of even the most basic facts about them, constantly saying things like: Today’s your birthday? Really??
- Mr. Not-ready-for-prime-time: This guy is a blast! He’ll buy you anything under the sun, occasionally take you on excursions, and challenge you to a beer pong tournament (at 16). However, if there’s any real parenting to do, like, say, you catch your boyfriend cheating or lose your job, he’s M.I.A; Thank God for mom…
- The where’s the beef? guy: You learned to order pizza at a very early age because your dad simply refused to make a meal. Not even if he was home all day and your mother worked a double shift, he was not going anywhere near the stove! To this day you wonder if he even knows how the stove works…
- The center of the universe: Unlike the emperor of la-la land, this guy totally lives in our world, because he believes he is the center of it. The Earth doesn’t revolve around the sun, it revolves around him, and if he has to upstage or belittle you to prove it, so be it.
- Negative Norman: If you don’t have anything nice to say…why not say it to your child and emotionally scar them for the rest of their lives? This is the dear old dad whose “pep talks” took years of therapy to undo. Wherever there was hope, he obliterated it, wherever self esteem reared it’s confidant head, he stomped on it, anything to wipe that smile off your face…
- Mr. Manipulation: “You know, if you really wanted to make me proud you’d…” Doesn’t matter what the predicate to this sentence is, cause the point is not to make him proud, it’s to make you think you can make him proud by doing whatever pointless nonsense he wants to drag you into this time. This poor excuse of a parent gets off on control and he’s not above destroying everyone in the family to achieve it.
- The score keeper: You graduated college in three years, your dad reminds you that he did it in two and a half, and studied abroad! You’re spending your summer in Versailles? When he was your age, he smoked with the monks of Tibet. Anything you have done, or ever will do, odds are daddy dearest did it better. Or so he’d have you believe…
- Liar, liar, pants on fire: He’s constantly regaling the kids with stories from his past, problem is, none of them are true which should make for interesting conversation when your child wants him to talk about his daring escape from the Temple of Doom at parents day…
- Mr. Argumentative: This guy loves to fight; anyone, anywhere, anytime and home is his training ground. Forget to put away your toys as a kid?, dad screamed at you for 45 minutes. Have a friend over? Perfect time for dear old dad to start in on you about you sub-par life plans. And let’s not even talk about romantic partners; he’s actually attempted to provoke a physical fight with someone you were seeing…more than once.
- The exploiter: Under no circumstances do you share ANYTHING with the exploitative father! This “man” lives to bring you down, and he’s more than capable of using the worst moments of your life to do it. Love and protect? Not this guy…
