It’s time to go to dinner with your friends. You’re sweating hard. Am I going to like anything there? We feel you, picky eaters:
1. Your friends get pissed because you don’t like anything.
Sushi? Indian? Mexican? You’re not into the “exotic” foods your friends always enjoy. Sorry, gang, we’re not getting Chipotle tonight. Or tomorrow.
2. Your parents tried to get you to eat better as a child by stuffing your food with veggies.
Your parents are the reason you’re in the therapy; they are the sole reason you have trust and resentment issues.
3. Your friends are constantly encouraging you to “broaden your horizons.”
“You should try this spicy tuna roll; I promise you’ll like it.” Bitch, I like my burgers and chicken nuggets. You’re not my mom. Keep eating your raw fish like a caveman.
4. But then you get defensive because you’re not as picky as they think you are.
I LIKE CALAMARI. And spicy chicken sometimes. So ha!
5. Your friends always make fun of you.
“You’re definitely going to have chicken tenders, spaghetti and pizza as your dinner options at your wedding.” “Don’t forget the french fries.” Y’all are sitting at the kid’s table at my wedding.
6. You get excited to tell your friends when you’ve tried something new.
“Guys, I tried kale today — and I liked it.” “OK, honey. Call me when you try duck.”
7. You’ve had the same lunch every day since kindergarten.
PB & J with chips and an apple. I’m saving money by bringing my own lunch to work. I don’t need your pretentious grown-up food. Y’ALL JUST JEALOUS.
8. Waiters look at you funny when you order.
Yes I’d like a plain hamburger, medium well. Yep, plain. Nope, no lettuce, tomato or onion. Yes, you heard correctly. Don’t give me those eyes…
9. Sandwich places get annoyed at you.
Can I have the BLT with no tomato or lettuce? And can you throw some ketchup on there? Thanks.
10. You put ketchup on everything — and an insane amount.
Mac and cheese, eggs, turkey, salad — ketchup is bae 100000 percent, and you go through bottles like crazy.
11. When you go to a restaurant and they have a different ketchup brand instead of Heinz.
Remain calm. You can survive one meal without Heinz. Just give Hunt’s a chance — I bet it won’t bite.
12. Vegetables other than lettuce and carrots are the enemy.
Olives, Brussels sprouts and corn can go to hell. There is no place for them on any plate you may eat off of.
13. Pre-fixe menus make your heart race.
Uh oh. What if I hate everything on this menu and have to starve? I can’t with these four gourmet options. This is such a “recipe” for disaster.
14. Drinking is just as bad.
You don’t drink most alcohol, unless you reeeeallly can’t taste it at all. Vodka crans, Cosmos and Sex on the Beaches are your go-to. Tequila? Whiskey? No thanks.
